Happiful March 2020 by Happiful

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

“I am the

change

“

Same-sex routines & slaying Strictly in heels, trailblazer Johannes Radebe has arrived

Let your light shine Ooze confidence and embrace your power

MARCH 2020 £4.00

RELAX. UNWIND. DE-STRESS. The formula to find calm in five simple steps

DIET MYTHS Feed facts not fiction on p64 9 772514 373000 03

HAPPIFUL.COM

DIY wellness Mother Pukka FRANKIE BRIDGE: “I have depression, this is who I am”

Addressing anxiety

Photography | Gift Habeshaw

“

To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful… – AGNES DE MILLE

Paving the way How do we know who we truly are? What moves and inspires us? The things that spark the excitement and passion we couldn't be without? It's often in the most testing times that we actually start to find out. As Henry David Thoreau said: "Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." In the midst of a mental labyrinth, characteristics and elements of our personality we never knew were there, can rise to the surface. We can find strength in our deepest reserves, and hope in the dark. This issue features countless stories which empitomise that notion. People who have struggled, and felt knocked down, but who found a unique path out. People revolutionising the world and attitudes around them, to make others' lives that little bit better. The incredible Johannes Radebe has been through some unimaginable events, but through it all he learned the power of embracing and putting his true self in the spotlight. Loud and

proud, he's sending shockwaves through Strictly, and setting fire to gender norms. We also chat to Mother and Papa Pukka about their secrets to the elusive 'happy ending' – and how it's not the fairytale people might expect. Whether we want to redefine our own future, or inspire positive changes we want to see in the world, I hope you feel empowered reading this issue. Happily ever after comes in many forms – don't wait for the story around you to unfold. Pick up a pen, and write the next chapter.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 16 Johannes Radebe

The Strictly pro on family, bereavement, and being a trailblazer for the LGBTQ+ community

32 Frankie Bridge

Star of The Saturdays opens up in our chat about being a 'work in progress'

47 Helping hands

The story of how one woman managed her trichotillomania with a set of acrylic nails

73 Aiding anxiety

Ironically, getting help for anxiety can be anxiety-inducing. Follow our guide to reaching out

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 14 What is echoism?

Do you skip the spotlight to blend into the background?

35 DIY wellness

Discover the creative activities that could help you unlock mindfulness

90 Quickfire: MH Matters

Lifestyle and Relationships

Life Stories

27 Get moving this March

39 Sarah: Prioritising myself

28 Ditch diet culture

Columnist Grace Victory explores how to break self-deprecating cycles

52 Easy lovin'

Learn how to follow your feelings and restore balance with your partner

76 Meet the Pukkas

Bloggers Mother and Papa Pukka get honest about long-term relationships

Sarah's world was consumed by her eating disorder, but with time and patience she found her happiness

57 Naphtaly: Breaking free

PCOS controlled Naphtaly's life and led her to depression, until she had an idea that changed everything

87 Henry: Building dreams Henry was living in deep depression before he met a counsellor who reignited his passion for life

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Gemma Calvert, Fiona Thomas, Katie Conibear, Salma Haidrani, Jenna Farmer, Sarah Young, Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman, Henry Grace, Sylvia Mac

SPECIAL THANKS

Paul Buller, Tom Buller, Krishan Parmar, Alice Theobald, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Bethyn Casey, Laurele Mitchell, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, Sarah Lane, Peter Klein, Josephine Robinson, Letesia Gibson

Food & Drink

Culture

62 Plate-up pasta

30 Ask the experts: burnout

Delve into these delicious, body-boosting pasta dishes

64 10 nutrition myths

We break down food myths so that you can live your healthiest, happiest life

Happiful Hacks

Our career coach gets get to the root of the problem

42 Our top picks this month 50 Sarah Greenidge

Uncovering the truth about the wellness industry

68 Taking a stand

24 Ask for what you need

Louisa Reid's latest book explores what it means to back yourself

44 Explaining your time off

70 Therapy with a point

60 The anti-stress tool kit 80 Embrace your power

What to expect from acupuncture

83 Konnie Huq

The presenter and author on girls in STEM, and not conforming

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

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CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and therapy.

Rav's review We’re all inherently impacted by the relationships we’re a part of – they play a huge role in our lives, and each relationship we have is a part of us. In this month’s issue there’s a host of practical and insightful tips on how to better manage them, as it’s not always easy. The advice on page 24 is particularly helpful, highlighting the benefits of open communication. Given that this allows for connections and understanding, it is vital for a relationship to function healthily. Expressing yourself and being listened to is the starting point for all meaningful relationships. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

DR KALANIT BEN-ARI

LAURELE MITCHELL

BA MA PhD psych

BA (hons) PgDip MNCS Snr Accred

Kalanit is a relationships counsellor and public speaker.

Laurele is a counsellor with experience working with couples and families.

BETHYN CASEY

SARAH LANE

BSc MSc MBACP

Bethyn is a counsellor who offers creative therapy to her clients.

Sarah is a counsellor and mindfulness teacher offering personal therapy.

RACHEL COFFEY

GRAEME ORR

BA MA NLP Mstr

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

PETER KLEIN

JOSEPHINE ROBINSON

BSc PGDip CBT MA BABCP

DipCNM ANP

Peter is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist.

Josephine is a nutritional therapist, and yoga and meditation teacher.

DR LAURA WYNESS

LETESIA GIBSON

PhD MSc BSc RNutr

Dip BSc Psych & Sociology

Laura is a registered nutritionist, working in research and comms.

Letesia is a creative career coach specialising in burnout.

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The Uplift

KIDS

Photographer proves boys can have a royally good time, too! What makes a princess? For so long, we’ve been told that princesses are ‘just for girls’. But that’s changing, and Chicago-based photographer Kitty Wolf is behind a new campaign showcasing the joy that comes with unreserved self-expression. During her time working as a princess performer, Kitty started to spot something that didn’t sit right with her. Time and time again, she would see little boys watching longingly from the sidelines at parties. And when she attended an event dressed as Elsa, only to find one particular little boy just as excited to see her as the girls, she decided to do something. Kitty created a celebration of the joy that can be found in dressing up as your favourite princesses regardless of gender, in a photo series that sees boys captured with their favourite princess performers. Speaking of the photo series, one boy’s mother said: “A child’s gender doesn’t dictate the toys they want to play with. Or the clothes they wear. Or their favourite colours. Or their emotional response to things. Let’s celebrate kids for their kid-ness, and let them be little!” Find out more about the campaign, and browse the full photo series, at boyscanbeprincessestoo.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WORK

Loosen your tie – work is getting more casual

Molly attends Huntington House’s ‘Knit and Natter’

CHARITY

‘Close-knit’ community brings pride and purpose to residents What’s better than a cuppa and a catch up? According to the residents of one care home, having a ‘Knit and Natter’. Offering a place to regularly meet, chat, and raise money for charity, the ‘Knit and Natter’ group at Huntington House care home, in Surrey, is helping to create a sense of pride and responsibility among its residents. Now an integral part of member’s lives, the group helps residents to rekindle fond memories and make new connections, and has quickly expanded to include staff, and members of the local Women’s Institute.

But the social benefits are just one side – the group knits items to support charitable projects including brooches for the Poppy Appeal, and blankets and hats for hospitals in the UK and South Africa to keep premature babies warm. Director of Huntington and Langham Estate, Charlie Hoare, said: “When you become reliant on others to care for you, you can feel a loss of self-worth. But finding a way to help others can often make up for losing the independence to look after yourself.” What a perfect way to spread a little warmth and cheer, wool-dn’t you agree? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Love casual Fridays? Well, new research suggests Monday to Thursday is getting less rigid too, as a poll carried out by Accountemps saw 91% of US managers agreeing that workplaces are less formal than they were 10 years ago. So what’s behind the shift? Managers speculate that more relaxed social norms, and organisations catering to a younger workforce, are behind the more laid back vibe. Where tattoos, piercings, and dyed hair were once a no-no in the office, a third of managers now agree that they’re sufficiently professional. Even the London Metropolitan Police has relaxed a ban on recruiting people with tattoos, saying they now consider body art on a “case-by-case basis”. But it’s not just the way we look that’s changing office culture, the way we communicate is, too – with 30% of managers saying emoji use and casual lingo is now more prevalent in emails. Self-expression is at the core of who we are and, considering we spend an average of 3,507 days at work in our lifetime, being our true selves full-time can only be a good thing. Writing | Kat Nicholls

March 2020 • happiful.com • 9

“

Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others – BRIAN TRACY

ANIMALS

Parrots prove sharing is caring You might know them for their quick wit and shrill catch-phrases, but new research shows that parrots may have a softer side. In a trial published in Current Biology, African grey parrots – which were first trained to understand that small metal tokens could be swapped for a food treat at a specific ‘exchange window’ – had their compassion put to the test. In the experiment, one bird was given a pile of tokens but no window to exchange them through. Next to the first bird, another had no tokens, but access to the window. After some consideration, the bird with the tokens began passing them through the enclosure to its neighbour, allowing it to access a treat – despite the fact the treat wasn’t shared. Speaking of the experiment, Peggy Mason, from the University of Chicago, admitted she was stunned. “I think they had the sense that this was a useful token, and that it would turn into food for the other bird,” Peggy explains. “It’s surprisingly giving, just because the only thing the bird doing it gets is that warm glow of helping.” That’s a glow we’ll all be familiar with as it turns out generosity is interspecific, and that Polly is more than happy to share the cracker! Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

March 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

Wordsmiths get ready… It’s not a race, but a chance to put your mind through its paces. Relax, enjoy, and put your brains to the test with this month’s puzzles

Wheels in motion

Using the letters in the word wheel no more than once, make as many words as possible of three or more letters, always including the letter in the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – three minutes, GO!

D N

5 = word wizard 10 = gaming guru 15+ = Shakespearean superstar

T I

U E

Wordsearch

Flex those mental muscles, and find the 12 words in the grid below DANCE

RUN

YOGA

PILATES

CLIMB WALK SWIM

BOX STRETCH CYCLE ROW JUMP

How did you do? Searc h ‘freebies' at shop.happifu l.com to find the an swers, and more!

The Going up

‘Dinosaurs in love’. Google the song, but have tissues at the ready

Chin chin! Drinking three cups of a tea a week linked to longer life

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Beer yoga – yes, it really is a thing!

Liar liar... Study finds people care more about appearing honest, than telling the truth

330% more children admitted to A&E for their MH in the past decade

Going down

wellbeing wrap Starry-eyed

In a landmark achievement, scientists have taken the world’s most detailed pictures of the Sun’s surface. The patterns of boiling plasma, looking like ‘cells’, are each the size of Texas! The secrets of the universe are starting to unfold...

Good news – there’s no need to feel guilty for hitting that snooze button. Experts have revealed that getting a good night’s sleep could be as good for you as going to the gym. It’s because when we’re tired, we tend to choose more calorific foods and have higher cortisol levels – time for a self-care duvet day?

Work it!

#REPRESENT

“Imagination, life is your creation.” Barbie is certainly imagining a brighter future, with the launch of a new range of diverse dolls for its collection. Including one with no hair, and another with vitiligo, it’s a fantastic move for representation and empowerment.

With so much of our lives spent at work, more and more companies are realising the importance of nurturing their employees’ ARE OFFICE ROMANCES wellbeing. But what actionable A THING OF THE PAST? steps can people take in 2020? Times are changing, and while 30 years ago, one in According to research from the five couples met in their workplace, a new study says PwC Health Research Institute, its now it’s only one in 10. The research, from Stanford the top focuses should make it University, revealed that instead of stolen glances clear wellbeing is a priority, and over the printer, online dating and apps are now the encourage individuality, so people most popular way to meet your other half. We might can find wellbeing practices that have fewer stories like Tim and Dawn, but it’s a new work for them. love story for the digitial age.

Zzz

READ ALL ABOUT IT

Love lives aside, there’s been a surprising shift away from tech elsewere. In a recent US poll, it was revealed that Americans visited more libraries in the past year than cinemas, or any other cultural activity. On average, adults went 10.5 times. In another nostalgic throwback, maybe Arthur the aardvark was right – having fun isn’t hard, when you’ve got a library card! WITH MORE THAN 86,000SQ FT OF OPEN SPACE, BROMLEY HAS BEEN NAMED THE BEST LONDON BOROUGH FOR WELLBEING. IT CAME OUT TOP AFTER BEING RANKED ON HEALTHCARE, PARKLAND, AND SPORTS FACILITIES – OTHER AREAS TAKE NOTE!

FANCY A ROAST?

A study from Appalchian State University, USA, has found that a bit of banter between a couple could be the secret to a long-lasting, happy relationship. A bit of friendly teasing lets your partner feel ‘seen’ by recognising their special little quirks. Lovely!

Pace yourself

Are you a known dawdler, or basically the real-life Flash? It could be time to pick up the pace... A new study has revealed that our walking speed can actually indicate our life expectancy, with those who walk faster expected to live 15 years longer. The research from the University of Leicester, discovered that people who walked up to 100 steps per minute had a higher life expectancy that those taking 50 steps per minute. While it doesn’t directly prove that walking fast will give us more years, it certainly shows a correlation. Perhaps it’s time to lace up those trainers for a speed walk around the block!

What is

echoism?

Afraid to step into the spotlight, or put your own voice and opinions out there? If you’re more comfortable blending into the background, and mirroring those around you, you may be displaying echoist behaviours... Writing | Fiona Thomas

ou’ve probably heard of narcissism before – and may even know a narcissist yourself. Well those who might display a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a need for attention, actually

14 • happiful.com • March 2020

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

have an opposite, which you may not be as familiar with – echoists. Are your friends and family always encouraging you to open up about your feelings? Do you feel sick whenever you get a bit of limelight? Do you actively downplay your successes to avoid

any unwanted attention? Do you struggle to describe what your own personal interests and hobbies are, finding it easier to latch on to things that your partner enjoys? These are just a few red flags which could mean that you are experiencing echoism.

THE STUFF OF LEGEND... The name for the mental health disorder narcissism was actually inspired by a Greek mythological character. Narcissus was so selfobsessed that he was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection, and part of his story involved his partner Echo – a forest nymph who was punished by the goddess Juno for talking too much. Echo’s ability to express herself was taken away, and in the absence of a voice of her own, she was only able to speak by repeating the last few words she heard from others. This is where the term echoism originates from and, as with the myth, the behaviours are often intertwined. Cognitive behavioural psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member Peter Klein says: “Sufferers with such tendencies will often have had a narcissist as a parent. Narcissists tend to have opposite tendencies and use sufferers to fulfil their own needs and desires, which can make the tendencies of echoism even worse.” RECOGNISING THE REFLECTION Coined by Harvard Medical School lecturer Dr Craig Malkin, the term echoist describes someone who, like the Greek nymph Echo, struggles to have an autonomous voice. They tend to emphasise other people’s needs over their own, and have difficulty accepting compliments. In more serious cases, sufferers can’t define their own identity because they automatically take on the interests and desires of those around them, leaving no room for their own preferences. Echoism is a personality trait, which is thought to intensify as a coping mechanism in response to living with a narcissist.

Echoists aren’t easy to spot and they don’t present themselves as you might expect. They are often highly intelligent individuals who are kind, supportive, and successful to boot. But if you go against their wishes, when they adamantly state they don’t want a fuss (such as with a surprise party), be prepared for them to potentially kick off...

Echoists tend to feel things more intensely, and feel more empathetic than the average person ECHOISM IN RELATIONSHIPS Echoists tend to feel things more intensely, and feel more empathetic than the average person. When exposed to a narcissistic parent, they often learn not to express freely, because displaying emotions evokes a negative response from their caregiver. The child is solely focused on managing the overwhelming emotional needs of the parent, leaving little room for their own. The echoist will grow up believing life is easier when they take up as little space as possible in a relationship, and will rarely share their problems because they fear burdening others. Ironically, they often worry that they will appear selfish and narcissistic. Unfortunately, cutting off ties with the parent in question doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it can often lead to a noticeable dip in self-esteem, and even

bouts of depression. “Self-doubt, worries, and self-criticism are accompanying features,” says Peter. “These make it even harder for the sufferer to express their own needs and desires.” In some cases, it then perpetuates the cycle and makes the echoist the ideal prey for another narcissist. Echoism can play out in romantic relationships, too. Women are thought to be more vulnerable than men, and children of narcissistic parents often find themselves drawn to one-sided relationships in adulthood. Those affected will gladly give their partner attention, and shower them with compliments, but actively shun anything when it’s reciprocated. Platonic friendships can also act as the breeding ground for this counter-dependent behaviour. Echoists give endlessly to emotionally-needy friends, leaving little room to talk about their own problems. On the surface, this suits the echoist just fine. But in reality, it can cause complex emotional, identity, and attachment issues, which often centre around excessive feelings of guilt. REDISCOVERING YOUR VOICE Treatment for echoism tends to focus on teaching the person to recognise their own behaviours, and express the emotions that have gone repressed for so long. Peter says: “Understanding one’s own needs in relevant situations, and the practice of expressing these in a graded manner, can be helpful. Due to the complexity and individual expressions of echoism, this is best performed in conjunction with a suitably trained professional.” March 2020 • happiful.com • 15

Head over heels Breaking boundaries in the ballroom, Johannes Radebe is the Strictly Come Dancing professional who’s captured the nation’s heart – and he’s certainly got our attention, too. By performing in the show’s first ever same-sex routine in 2019, and dancing up a storm in heels, Johannes is shattering gender stereotypes and putting representation on the map in mainstream media. Yet the journey to utterly embracing himself wasn’t always easy. But through bullying, homelessness, and grief, he’s remained true to himself, and it’s beyond refreshing... Interview | Gemma Calvert

Photography | Paul Buller

f all the hello hugs shared with celebrities, rarely have I been as impressed as when Strictly Come Dancing pro Johannes Radebe arrives at Happiful’s south London studio, wrapped up against the January frost in a woollen pea coat and oversized scarf. A big grin is pursued by an even bigger, heartfelt embrace, and in 10 seconds flat, I’m sold. After 22 years of dance training, the South African-born star possesses a body built of muscle, but his character is gentle and beautifully exposed. After sinking into a leather sofa at the rear of the studio, away from the hubbub of photoshoot preparations, the dancer and choreographer is instantly at ease. He underscores what he says with smiles aplenty – like when he expresses adoration for his “best friend”, fellow Strictly pro Graziano Di Prima, who he was with the night before, performing on the fourth night of the Strictly Come Dancing live tour. >>>

“I spend every single day with him, mostly because his girlfriend isn’t with us. He hangs on to me for dear life but, the truth is, we need each other!” says Johannes, who joined Strictly in 2018, but enjoyed his first celebrity pairing in 2019 when he and former Coronation Street actress Catherine Tyldesley coupled up. They lit up the dance floor until week six. Touring with the Strictly pros, enthuses Johannes, is “like being on holiday with your best mates” and even though many have secured lucrative gigs outside the hit BBC1 show – such as Oti Mabuse on The Greatest Dancer, and AJ Pritchard who joined RuPaul’s Drag Race UK as a dance coach – he insists there is never jealousy between the cast. “The pie’s big enough for everybody. We don’t live in the competitive world anymore. Not to say that the competition isn’t rife when we come to Strictly, because we all want to win, but we’re all different. We all have our qualities. It’s so nice amongst the pros. They’re all kind. It’s been so great.” Now 32, Johannes finds himself at a fascinating moment in his career, and has every reason to be cheerful. For one, he is finally at home in his own skin. Three months before we meet, a fortnight before he and Graziano danced in the show’s first same-sex routine, Johannes slayed a pro dance sequence, performing to ‘Fame’ in a pair of high-heeled PVC boots. It set the Twittersphere ablaze, with Strictly fans commending him for breaking the mould of gender stereotypes. It also, he says, attracted a flurry of praise from “older gay men” who “identified with the boldness and the confidence”. 18 • happiful.com • March 2020

“That was my coming out party to the world,” grins Johannes, revealing that when show bosses proposed the idea he agreed, not to publicly shout about being openly gay, but to educate his extended family back home. While Johannes has “always known” he is gay and never hidden his sexuality, he says some relatives were still asking at family functions when he would “come home with a wife and kids”. Johannes, who concedes that in Africa there is a generational gap of LGBTQ+ education and acceptance, sighs. “It’s a reality, but we live in such progressive times, and I realised there’s no need to hide any more,” he says. “The world has been ready, all I had to do was embrace who I am fully, fully, fully, because that was always my fear – that sense of rejection, that feeling of ‘if I do this, what if somebody mocks me? I don’t want to bring shame to my family.’ It took me 32 years to finally accept that and say, ‘Honestly, this is my life.’” Johannes believes historically there’s been insufficient media representation of LGBTQ+ minorities, but has observed an improvement over the past two years. He was “inspired” by groundbreaking US series Pose, which delves into the New York City ballroom scene at the height of the AIDS crisis, and accepts credit for his own role in the acceptance of greater diversity within society. “I’m the change. Honestly, I see it like that. I’m the first gay black man on Strictly. I just think, good for you Johannes. I’m proud!” In the last series of the Danish version of Strictly, a male duo emerged victorious, and Steps singer Ian ‘H’ Watkins and pro

The world has been ready, all I had to do was embrace who I am fully, because that was always my fear skater Matt Evers were paired on this year’s Dancing On Ice. Surely it’s time for Strictly to regularly feature same sex couples, and to hell with the armchair critics (Johannes and Graziano’s dance attracted 189 complaints to Ofcom)? “Out of how many million viewers?” says Johannes, instantly putting the protest into perspective. “It’s good that the BBC have started. Whenever they are ready to make that step, they should know there’s representation.” For Johannes, who never thought he would “have a voice”, being a respected public figure is a responsibility he cherishes. He’s actively planning to align with a LGBTQ+ youth charity, and is intent on making a difference to vulnerable youngsters’ lives. “I hope with my actions I’m breaking barriers, and bringing comfort and assurance that it’s OK,” he says. “Life gets better.” Which is true. Johannes and his elder sister Pearl grew up in the small South African township of Zamdela, raised by their mother Jacobeth, and dad Benjamin. Curiously, as he describes the “very real struggle” of a “lack of opportunity and finances”, Johannes smiles. >>>

>>>

February 2020 • happiful.com • 19

Suit | Ben Sherman, T-shirt | Reserved, Trainers | Lacoste

Top & trousers | Topman

Dance was my escape. It became my world, my refuge “Going back home humbles me, because you can see how they [survive] with as little as they have,” he says. “As a child, I didn’t know what we lacked, because I had my dad and I had mum, and with all that lack there was love – lots and lots of love and encouragement.” Johannes began dancing at the age of seven, and at “10 or 11” got his first pair of dancing shoes, a gift from his dad. “That was his way of saying ‘I approve’. I was dancing my third competition, and while he wanted me to be a soccer star – he thought 20 • happiful.com • March 2020

dance was going to be a phase – he gave me the freedom to explore. Our neighbourhood wasn’t the safest, so he loved that after school, I had somewhere to go and I was off the streets. Dance was my escape. It became my world, my refuge.” Johannes’ hobby and his “flamboyant demeanour” made him a target for bullies, but at dance school and in the family home, he was free. He adoringly describes his mother as his “best friend”, “queen” and “biggest counsellor” – a woman who didn’t bat an eyelid when she discovered her teenage son squeezing his size 11 feet into Pearl’s high heels. “I used to hang out with my mother all the time, experimenting with all these things in front of her, and she just did not care, honestly, and in that regard, thank God for my mum,” says Johannes. At school, the abuse Johannes endured was predominantly

verbal, but on one occasion turned physical when he got into a fight with a bully, and the perpetrator returned with a baseball bat. “I thought ‘This is it.’ That’s the worst it got,” shudders Johannes, still grateful for the onlookers who stepped in before damage was done. The words fired at him as a young boy, and the anticipation of physical violence, must have been incredibly wounding? He nods. “It left me confused, feeling like there was something wrong with me. It was isolating. For the longest time I thought ‘I’m not worthy,’ and ‘Why are you putting yourself through this?’ I could have easily left dance because it brought all that attention to me but, at the same time, it made me so happy.” Adolence is rife with challenges, particularly for LGBTQ+ teens – with one study from the Children’s Society revealing that half of gay or bisexual 14-year-olds had self-harmed.

Jacket & trousers | Scotch & Soda

It’s a devastating statistic, that speaks volumes to under-supported demographic, and one that Johannes has seen play out in front of him. “I lost a friend of mine. He was 10 or 11 and in school with me. Talk about flamboyant and OTT, he was mighty gay and he had it harder than me. He deflected the attention from me so many times, and protected me. As young as I was, when that happened, I understood where he was coming from. He had it hard.” His friend’s suicide wasn’t the only loss Johannes experienced as a youngster. When he was 14 his father, who had then separated from his mother, died aged 46 from tuberculosis – a neglected disease which still kills more than 100,000 South Africans every year. The heartbreaking period of grief propelled Johannes to make a life-changing decision, and accept an offer to enrol at a dance school for disadvantaged youngsters in Johannesburg, 111 miles from home. For four years, under the family’s guidance and inspired by his dance idols Bryan Watson, Jason Gilkison, and Motsi Mabuse – who he now works with on Strictly – Johannes honed his versatility as a performer. He trained in ballroom, Latin, contemporary, jazz, and ballet, and established a steadfast work ethic, dancing in shopping malls and parking lots to fund entry and travel to national dance competitions. To this day, he remains the undefeated South African Latin champion. Despite trying to continue his studies, financial woes eventually saw Johannes quit in favour of employment in Johannesburg, appearing in a stage show and teaching dance to the elderly. But for two years, before getting his “break” on a cruise ship, Johannes >>>

lived rough, sleeping in the doorway of a city-centre taxi rank, and showering in shopping mall toilet facilities, all so he could save money to send home to his family. It was during this ordeal that he had the biblical verse ‘no weapon formed against me shall prosper’ tattooed on to his ribs. “That was my mantra for the longest time. I come from a family of very strong personalities. My mother and my aunts are my pillars of strength. But looking back, I was so miserable, and I can’t tell you where the courage to do that came from,” says Johannes, quickly correcting himself. “I actually tell you lies. It was all because I needed to provide for my family. That was so important.” It still is. Johannes sends home a portion of his Strictly earnings, but now the gesture comes without sacrifice. He rents an apartment in north London, and is househunting in South Africa for his own place, plus one for his mum. I ask what his father would make of his achievements. The question prompts Johannes’ chin to fall to his chest. “Dad’s death was a sad one, because it was quick. We were very close…” he says, his voice momentarily disappearing. “I think dad would have been very proud. Mostly, I think he would have been shocked that I had the courage to do what I’ve done. The fact he didn’t get to see all this unfold leaves me feeling sad at times, but I’m happy I did it and I’m sure, wherever he is, he is happy, too.” As our time together draws to a close, I wonder whether Johannes unwittingly carried the shame he endured as a boy into adulthood 22 • happiful.com • March 2020

I think dad would have been very proud. The fact he didn’t get to see all this unfold leaves me feeling sad at times, but I’m happy I did it and I’m sure, wherever he is, he is happy, too and, if so, what effect his two gamechanging Strictly performances and the subsequent “incredible” response of his wider family have had on his mindset. “Yes I did,” he confirms. “When I’ve got people coming up to me, saying ‘Johannes, you’re such a wonderful person,’ I think ‘Maybe there’s actually nothing wrong with me, after all this time.’ It’s a beautiful feeling. Being in this country has been very liberating. It’s nice to settle in a place where I feel I’m seen, where there’s much more freedom, and people are more liberated and progressive.” As Johannes has always sought counsel from family and friends who have kept him “in check”, what is his advice to loved ones of LGBTQ+ youngsters? “Love and show support,” he says firmly. “Make sure they know there’s nothing wrong with them. I’ve been blessed to come across people who, when I was being bullied in the middle of the street, would bring it to order and say ‘That’s not right.’ We need to live in a world where we’re not afraid to stand up to what’s wrong, because what I do in my bedroom has nothing to do with you. I don’t dictate how you should live your life, so why are you telling me how to live mine?”

While Johannes’ last relationship was three years ago and shortlived – the nomadic life of a dancer doesn’t always lend itself well to long-term commitment – if the right opportunity presented itself, he would leap at the opportunity to settle down. “I wish I had a boyfriend. I’m not saying it’s the one thing that’s missing, but it would be nice to come home to somebody. I’m not young anymore! I would like to be with somebody who’s going to take this all the way,” he says, referring to marriage and children. As for the next step in his career? That’s simple. “I want to continue the Strictly journey for as long as I can,” he says. “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, – as long as they’ll have me, I’ll come back.” After the shoot wraps, I bump into Johannes on the street outside before he heads off to resume his Strictly tour duties. “You can’t keep away from me!” he laughs, and there’s no point denying it. When kindness, graciousness, emotional generosity, inner strength, and a desire to help others combine, the allure is truly captivating. Johannes will be appearing in the Strictly Professionals Tour from May 2020. Find him @johannesradebe on Instagram.

Styling | Krishan Parmar Grooming | Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Morgan’s Pomade and Babyliss Pro

February 2020 • happiful.com • 23

How to ask for

what you need in a relationship

Communication is often considered a secret ingredient for happy relationships, but it doesn’t need to be complicated – or secret Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar

I “

think I need time alone,” my boyfriend said, looking a little exasperated on a recent Sunday evening. We hadn’t been arguing (in fact we’d had a really nice day together), although I had noticed a shift in his mood as the day went on. After a slightly confused and defensive facial expression from me, he explained what he meant. As an introvert, an empath, and someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, quiet time alone is something my partner needs at the weekend to feel recharged and ready for the week ahead. It had taken a year of us living together for him to: a) realise that as much as he loves me, he still needs time away from me; and b) that it was OK for him to ask for this. Once he explained why he needed alone time, I felt a little swell of pride. Depression has a habit of swallowing your self-worth, so allowing himself to be vulnerable, and asking for something he needed, felt like a milestone. Since then, we’ve both been more open about what we need, whether

24 • happiful.com • March 2020

it’s a couple of hours alone in our local cafe, or for us to share the house admin a little more. It’s taken a little navigating, but has helped us both thrive within our relationship. Often, when we’re in long-term relationships, we can feel that our partners should know what we need intuitively. We expect them to read our minds, and we sit with frustrations bubbling under the surface when they don’t. Then, one day, we hit boiling point, culminating in an argument involving demands, heightened emotions, and blame. If we can get to a place where we can ask for what we need in relationships before this point, it’ll save a lot of heartache. OK, ready to ask for what you need? Follow these steps:

1 PLAN WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY Understanding what it is you really need can take some self-reflection. Take your time over this. Give it some space, think through what you want to say, and plan how you’ll say it.

Remember that we’re all worthy of feeling happy and fulfilled in our relationships. Asking for what you need isn’t being demanding, it’s showing a commitment to communication that will have only positive ramifications for your relationship.

2 CHOOSE YOUR TIMING WISELY What we need often comes to the front of our minds when we’re not getting it, and sometimes this happens during a heated discussion or argument. Try your best not to bring it up then. Wait until you’re both calm, and pick a time when you can give the discussion the space it needs.

3 AVOID PLAYING THE VICTIM It can sometimes feel like we shouldn’t have to voice our needs (especially if they seem pretty obvious to us), which can lead to frustration and passive aggression. If this happens, it can be easy to play the victim when the discussion takes place. However, when you use victimised language, you end up

When expressing what you need, do so from a place of honesty and authenticity, not from a place of entitlement

punishing your partner for not knowing something you’ve never told them. They’ll likely get upset by this, and put up walls of defence in reaction. This puts a stop to any conversation and can cause further arguments. When expressing what you need, do so from a place of honesty and authenticity, not from a place of entitlement.

4 USE ‘I’ STATEMENTS With the above in mind, try to stick to ‘I’ statements. Rather than placing the blame or responsibility on your partner by telling them what they’re not doing, such as: “You’re always on your phone”,

keep the conversation centred on what you need and how your partner can help – “I need to feel more connected to you when we talk, and feel you putting your phone down during discussions would help.”

5 AND IF YOU’RE ON THE RECEIVING END… Don’t panic! The fact that your partner is talking to you about what they need means they care about the relationship, and want it to flourish. Feeling defensive is natural, but try to remember this is not about anything you’re doing wrong. It’s about what your partner needs to feel fulfilled.

Understanding what it is you really need can take some selfreflection Encourage them to explain more about how you can help them, and if it’s something you feel unable to give, try to work out a compromise. Now is also a great time for you to consider what you need in the relationship. If your partner has opened the doors of communication, keep them open. March 2020 • happiful.com • 25

Photography | Sept Commercial

“

We rise by lifting others – ROBERT INGERSOLL

g n i v o Mon up Most of us know exercise is good for both our mental and physical health, but it’s not just through running and hitting the gym that you can reap the benefits. Here we’ve pulled together five adventurous ideas packed with mental health benefits. Ready, set... go!

Writing | Kat Nicholls

1 Skydiving Jumping out of a plane may not, at first, seem like an enjoyable activity – but it turns out it could be just what your mind needs. Skydiving releases a huge number of endorphins which can help ease mild depression, and psychologists say falling through the sky can help us to put our emotions into perspective. Plus, you don’t have to jump alone. Tandem skydiving lets you enjoy the ride while safe in the hands of an expert. To book your first jump, visit goskydive.com

2 Team sports All sports are great for your health, but team sports in particular have been found to have beneficial effects. Working with others towards a shared goal is a lovely way to bond with others, and our social connections play a big role in emotional wellbeing. Head to beinspireduk.org for ideas and ways to get involved, or simply do an online search for team sports in your area. Many team sports can be adapted for differing abilities too, visit parasport.org.uk for more information.

3 Nordic walking If you’re already an avid walker and want to step up your game, try Nordic walking. Using two poles to harness the power of your upper body, the Nordic walking technique helps you propel yourself forward, and turns walking into a full-body exercise. The poles also take some weight off the knees and lower body joints, making it suitable for all ages and fitness levels. Visit nordicwalking.co.uk to learn more and to find a local instructor.

4 Surfing From Cornwall to Scotland, the coastlines of the UK have some great surfing spots. Being at one with nature, and the adrenaline rush you get after catching the perfect wave, makes it an unsurprisingly great activity for your mental health. Apparently, just 30 minutes spent catching waves can reduce negative thoughts, and decrease self-destructive behaviour. Wave Project is a mental health surfing charity that can help you use surfing as a coping strategy. Head to waveproject.co.uk to find out more. 5 Horse riding Horses are used as therapy aids because they’re incredibly intuitive and have the ability to mirror your feelings. This can make horse riding especially beneficial for those living with mental illness. Horse riding is also accessible for all abilities – the Riding for the Disabled Association has nearly 500 centres across the UK, learn more at rda.org.uk. If you want to reap the mental health and therapeutic benefits specifically, search for equine therapy services in your area.

Mental health and diet culture…wit h

Grace

Our columnist Grace Victory has experienced first-hand the alarming link between mental health problems and our insidious diet culture. But, she reveals, you won’t find real happiness and fulfilment in a smaller pair of jeans…

ne of the many reasons for my past poor mental health has been the link between diet culture, fatphobia, and the incessant belief that I am not good enough. Do you remember the first time you saw something that made you feel terrible about yourself? I don’t. I just remember grabbing my tummy at age eight, and wanting to chop the chub off. Diet culture is so subtle, so sneaky, that we digest it subconsciously throughout our lives, especially as children. It can be the ‘Are you bikini-body ready?’ ad on the Tube, the ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ quote on Instagram, or ‘I just don’t think women with big thighs should wear mini skirts’ conversations you hear at the office. Diet culture is everywhere, and deeply ingrained within our society, because someone, somewhere, is making big bucks from making women feel like shit. Keeping us hungry and counting calories keeps us small – not

28 • happiful.com • March 2020

just physically, but mentally and spiritually, too. It keeps us focused on things that don’t actually matter, so that we don’t have the mental capacity or energy to take the patriarchy down, or question the beliefs that have been programmed into us. As children, many of us inherited unhealthy thoughts and feelings towards food and our bodies. We were taught to count calories, no carbs before marbs, no eating after 6pm, and that apple cider vinegar would give us a six-pack. When Slimfast was out, Slimming World was in. When small bums were out, big bums were in. The ideals of how we should look, and who we should be, change constantly, so that we remain in a vicious cycle of self-hate. And guess what? The money keeps rolling in to the corporations who sell us the products or services that will ‘fix’ us. This is a battle we never win, because we – and our bodies – are not the problem. I remember a few years ago, after finishing treatment for an eating disorder, I was so incredibly

Keeping us hungry and counting calories keeps us small – not just physically, but mentally and spiritually, too angry. I had realised that falling into disordered eating and negative body image is almost inevitable if you simply look at the advertising and messages we see and hear. There is a narrative that you are morally wrong if you don’t conform to look a certain way. That women should fall in line, and never dare to break free from the story that no longer serves them. Diet culture is just another tool to take away our power. We’ve been brainwashed into believing that our own intuition isn’t enough, and that we cannot trust our bodies to eat well. So, we allow things outside of us to do the work instead.

@GRACEFVICTORY Grace recommends Body Positive Power: How to stop dieting, make peace with your body and live By Megan Jayne Crabbe (Vermilion, £12.99) Health at Every Size: The surprising truth about your weight By Linda Bacon (BenBella Books, £10.99)

This is why our relationship with food – and ourselves – becomes so skewed. We tear ourselves down in any way that we can, and even though 95% of diets do not work, we blame ourselves if we don’t lose weight. We exercise to look good, despite feeling like utter crap. We constantly think about our bodies in a negative way, and every day that goes past is another day of

self-loathing and self-deprecating behaviour. But we hardly see it, because it’s normal to hate who we are, and radical not to. We disconnect from parts of us in a bid to become smaller versions of ourselves. We shrink, pick, and even cut away at who we are, in the desperate hope that we will find happiness in a smaller pair of jeans.

And this was me, and sometimes, it is still me. I’ve been so much thinner than I am now, and it still wasn’t enough. I got to my goal weight and the goal changed, and then all of a sudden I was Googling boob jobs and bum lifts. It became apparent that no matter what I looked like, I still wouldn’t like myself. It wasn’t my body after all. Happiness and self-actualisation cannot be found on the outside – it is about the inner you. It is about knowing who you really were before you internalised other people’s standards. It is about setting your own standards. It is about letting go of fear, and instead choosing love. Life does not begin when you’re thin. Life is happening now. So, stop engaging in behaviours, conversations, and diets that make you feel like you’re not good enough. You are.

Love Gracex March 2020 • happiful.com • 29

Ask the experts Career coach Letesia Gibson answers your questions on workplace burnout Read more about Letesia on lifecoach-directory.org.uk

I am exhausted. I’m in the middle of a big project at work, and I can’t see things getting better any time soon. Every day is hard. What can I do?

It sounds like your spiritual and emotional energies are being compromised. When we live with compromise in things

I think I need to leave my job, but it never seems to be ‘the right time’. I can’t afford to leave without another job lined up, so I’ve been putting it off. Can you help me?

like our values, expectations, sense of reward, and control or fairness, is exhausting. We cope with this by going on autopilot, withdrawing, and giving up. Immediate relief will come from getting into your body more often. It will feel counterintuitive to do more when you feel tired, but gentle movement, like walking or yoga, will help to regulate your nervous system,

It’s great that you’re intending to leave a job that’s burning you out. But ‘the right time’ will never emerge while in that draining zone. We have to create the fertile conditions for the new strength and motivation to grow, and the first step is putting you first, more often. Write down the good parts of the day. Practise saying

giving you fresh perspective and a feeling of being in control again. Getting out of this dorsal state is necessary for change. This experience of work isn’t working for you. Being truthful about your mismatch with it will give you clarity on what about it needs to change. That kind of honesty is easy to say and hard to do, but the energy you’ll get back will be worth it. ‘no’ more often. Commit to carving out time to start a transition plan. Can you cut down your hours, or take some holiday? Before the new job, you need to get clear on what you actually need to thrive in the next role. When you know this, you’ll be ready to start looking for a new job, and see what new energy you have for change.

Burnout

I’m worried about a colleague. They have become detached and seem to have lost their ‘spark’. How can I support them?

One of our fundamental needs is to be truly seen, and when a person becomes disconnected, they have become invisible – even to themselves. When this is done with kindness and compassion, it creates a much-needed space for connection. Tips include keeping things simple. Let them know that you see them in this struggle, and that you are there for them. Have soft eye contact. Be gentle with your tone of voice. Choose a place and time that fits this more intimate moment. Avoid speculating why this is happening, or trying to fix it. Be ready to listen. Don’t get hung up on needing to do something, or expecting them to ask for something in return. The very act of seeing them is a powerful support in itself.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

AN OPEN BOOK Frankie Bridge was first thrust into the spotlight as a member of S Club Juniors, before going on to join the hugely successful girl group, The Saturdays. But behind the scenes, things weren’t easy – and for a short time in 2012, she found herself an inpatient at a mental health hospital. For Frankie, this was an opportunity to speak about the realities of mental health, and she hasn’t looked back since. Here, we catch up about her new part-autobiography, part-self-help book OPEN, and what it means to be a ‘work in progress’...

Hi Frankie! Congratulations on your new book, OPEN. Does it still feel a bit surreal? It does! It’s weird because people who I don’t know are now getting to know me quite intimately! But it’s good because when I’m saying things that I’m feeling, and seeing that others have also experienced it, it makes me feel less alone – at the same time as making them feel less alone. It was a difficult writing process, but I enjoyed it. And now I’ve got the end result, it was all worth it. In OPEN, you’re asking people to ‘Speak out. Ask for help. And be helped.’ Do you remember the first time you spoke out about your mental health? I went to the doctor, I thought I was just tired. He was the one who suggested I needed some therapy, and that was a weird moment because I just couldn’t see it, it wasn’t something that I knew anything about, or that anyone had spoken about. 32 • happiful.com • March 2020

But it was after that that I realised he was right, and I realised that things weren’t quite as they should be.

and depression, and I just wanted to raise awareness that there are different things that people go to hospital for.

In 2012 you had a short stay in a mental health hospital. Did you have any preconceptions about it before going in? In my head, it was all padded walls and being locked in your room. It wasn’t like that at all, it was a really comforting place to be, and it was such a relief to be around people who I didn’t have to lie to, or pretend to be OK in front of. It was just a massive weight off my shoulders, and I didn’t really expect that before I went in.

How do you approach conversations about mental health now? I don’t always know how to approach it with other people, because everyone’s different, and I don’t want to frighten people off. But if anyone asks me a question, I find it quite easy to talk about my mental health. It doesn’t mean if I’m walking around and someone asks me how I am, I’ll say, “Oh I’m awful.” There are only certain people that I tell. But it’s important that I have those people.

You then went on to talk publicly about your stay. Was that a difficult decision? No – it was more that, at the time, the press assumed that I had some kind of addiction or eating disorder. No one really thought about anxiety

As a mother of two boys, do you talk about wellbeing at home? I do try to but, though I struggle with my mental health, I don’t really know how to approach the subject with them at such a young

Photography | Sophie Davidson

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I have anxiety and depression, this is who I am, and it is what it is age. I just try to ask questions about how they’re feeling. When they’re at school, I ask them whether people are being kind, are they happy, and just reassure them that I love them. When they’re scared about things, I try not to just brush it off and push it to the side – I try to be understanding. You call yourself a ‘work in progress’, what do you mean by that? I’m not going to be fixed. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and it’s not going to go away. So every day I have to work on getting up and staying positive. I’m always learning what can press the wrong buttons, and what presses the right buttons. But I think that comes with age and surrounding myself with the right people. I’m kind of accepting that this is who I am. I have anxiety and depression, this is who I am, and it is what it is. Do you have a message for someone who might be going through something similar? Knowledge is key. Know what is happening to you, find someone you can confide in, and don’t give yourself such a hard time. Remember, a better day is around the corner. ‘OPEN’ by Frankie Bridge is out now (Cassell, £18.99). You can follow Frankie on Instagram @frankiebridge March 2020 • happiful.com • 33

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SHAHROO IZADI JAMIE WINDUST

MEGAN CRABBE KIMBERLEY WILSON

• Listen • Like • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Jamie Windust, Megan Crabbe, Kimberley Wilson, Shahroo Izadi and many others who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

34 • happiful.com • February 2020

Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair

I am. I have

crafting From slow sewing to paper cutting, we explore the wonderful world of mindful crafts and how they benefit our mental health

any of us know by now that mindfulness is a pretty wonderful thing. It can reduce stress and anxiety, and generally help us to maintain our mental wellness. Mindfulness meditation is often hailed as the ultimate mindfulness practice. But the brilliant thing about mindfulness is that it can be tapped into in so many ways. One creative idea is to take regular crafting activities and give them a mindfulness spin by slowing down, and letting the activity absorb your attention. Counsellor Bethyn Casey incorporates creative therapy into her work, and believes crafting can be ideal for those looking for a different approach to mindfulness. “There is something outside of yourself to focus on – trying

Writing | Kat Nicholls

to sit and meditate when our thoughts are rushing can be just what we need, and I would never discourage mindfulness meditation, but sometimes a meditative state is hard to achieve and a busy mind can be frustrated further by the struggle to relax on its own accord. “Playing with colours, symbols and shapes can be absorbing, our attention focused on something else, but ideally pressure-free, and so we may more naturally relax into a mindful way of being.” But the actual benefits go beyond this. Research from the British Journal of Occupational Therapy suggests doing crafting activities on a regular basis can improve mood and increase feelings of relaxation. And Bethyn notes that being creative

in this way can ultimately help us access difficult emotions, too. “By crafting, we’re just letting images, shapes, colours, and our intuition, lead us in different directions. Somehow the fun of the objects themselves can mean we drift out of boxed thinking and discover that something within us can quietly rearrange things in the background. “Suddenly we’ve put our tools away, and whatever it was that was stuck and knotted and inaccessible inside has somehow formed itself into something tangible that can be touched and explored.” Sometimes, focusing on something external can help us internally. If this sounds like something you’re keen to try, we’ve got some suggested mindful crafting activities for you – get your tools at the ready. >>>

March 2020 • happiful.com • 35

Paper cutting

Paper cutting involves making intricate designs using a craft knife and, traditionally, just one sheet of paper. The entire process of paper cutting, from designing to cutting, takes extreme focus and care, making it an ideal mindful craft. When cutting, try to focus your attention on what you’re doing and take it slowly. You might want to attend a class or follow online tutorials to get started. Once you feel happy with the technique, all you need is a template, a craft knife, and a piece of paper – simple!

Macramé Macramé is a type of textile made using knotting techniques. You can use any materials that can be knotted, such as cotton, twine, yarn, or even leather, to create a beautiful wall hanging or plant holder. The activity is both challenging to the mind (some of the knots can be intricate), and relaxing as there are often repetitive actions needed. This combination can trigger a flow state, where you feel relaxed and as if time is standing still.

Mindful scrapbooking Cutting and sticking in this way can feel incredibly therapeutic, and it turns out there’s a reason for this, as Bethyn explains. “We can discover things about ourselves we didn’t know – when collaging, we’re drawn to certain types of images, shapes, and colours that resonate with different meanings for us. By playing about

36 • happiful.com • March 2020

ttings for Use scrap cu k oo pb ra sc your

with them, and rearranging what goes where, new ways of seeing old patterns appear; suddenly the world isn’t a lonely place; we are our own friend, gradually discovering new ways of relating to the world around us as we continue to practise our craft.” As a bonus, you get to keep your scrapbook after you’re done! Pick a theme or simply let your intuition guide you!

Never underestimate the power of a box full of craft toys; they can open up a whole different world inside our own minds

Slow sewing Instead of reaching for the sewing machine, slow sewing is all about stitching a project by hand. The gentle, focused nature of hand sewing makes it a perfect mindfulness activity. It can also be nice to try alongside other people, especially if you struggle with social anxiety. “Having crafting to focus on means the excess energy anxiety brings can go into what we’re creating, rather than building up within. Sometimes being able to share a craft activity together quietly, without the normal social pressures of having to make conversation, can be in itself socially fulfilling,” Bethyn says. If you’re new to sewing, why not reach out to see if anyone would be willing to help you learn and form a slow sewing group? You might make some friends while developing a new skill.

We know carving out time for yourself can be difficult, especially when the demands of work and family seem to be tugging at your sleeve. Having a dedicated activity to turn to can not only help you prioritise ‘you time’ (and make you excited about it), it can help you switch off from modern-day stressors (yes, we’re looking at you Twitter).

As Bethyn says: “Never underestimate the power of a box full of craft toys; they can open up a whole different world inside our own minds; it’s a world where we get to make choices about how we shape our creations, and this can help us begin to make choices about how we want to craft our own lives.” So, whether you’re a crafting newbie looking to try something

different, or a dab hand with a craft knife, you officially have permission to get creative more often. Trust us, your mind will thank you for it.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more about Bethyn Casey, mindfulness, and art therapies.

March 2020 • happiful.com • 37

“

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things – ROBERT BRAULT

Photography | Natasha Kasim

TRUE LIFE

Learning to choose me

Sarah’s world was consumed by her eating disorder for more than a decade. It’s wasn’t an overnight transformation, but with time, patience, and understanding, she learned to embrace her natural body as it is Writing | Sarah Young

was terrified, standing on the scales, praying that the number would show a drop in weight. I’d just woken from a nightmare where I’d gained two stone overnight. When I opened my eyes, my hands had been running over my protruding hip bones, even in sleep, just to check that they were still prominent. I kept feeling like there was a shadowy presence, just out of the corner of my eye, watching me. It felt like death. I felt like maybe I was ready for him. It was early 2012 and I was nearly 21. I’d been living with an eating disorder for almost a decade. The reason for its development can’t be pinpointed to one

single event, but rather a combination of many factors coming together to make the perfect storm. This period was the worst I’d ever been. My brittle, dry hair fell out in clumps in the shower. I was experiencing memory loss. I was dizzy a lot, the world seemed grey, and my senses were dulled as if my brain was smothered in cotton wool. I had insomnia, and when I slept I had nightmares. I was entirely, unequivocally, weary of being sick and miserable. I was weary of being in a living hell. I was weary with the despair, the darkness, the anger, and the devastation. I was weary of the calories circling around my head all day and night. I was

tired of counting down the minutes until I was ‘allowed’ to eat, of the starving and compulsive exercising, and eventually, the purging. I was exhausted by the intense fear I felt at going anywhere near food, and the utter desolation of my mind and body that meant I lived in a starving shell that couldn’t function, and a mind controlled by a single focus: to lose weight. A severe mental illness caused by a combination of genetics and my environment was my way of handling the world and myself, but finally, after eight years, I decided that this could not go on. At first, I viewed death as the only escape from the torment, but as moments of clarity started to push their way to the forefront of

my mind, the possibility of recovery developed from rejected thoughts to cautious actions. However, I was faced with a world that seemed to not want me to recover. Not fully, anyway. It was as if everything in the world was screaming: “Recover, but not too much. Gain weight, but not too much. Eat more, but not too much.” I felt like the world was asking me to tone down my disordered thoughts and behaviours… but not too much. I watched others call themselves “recovered” from eating disorders, while closely restricting their intake, and controlling their exercise. For me, that felt like still being sick. It felt like being better, but not well. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 39

To hear more from Sarah, follow her journey on Instagram @bodypositivepear

I felt like the world was asking me to tone down my disordered thoughts and behaviours… but not too much It felt like still being inside a cage, and not able to live life freely. But I found out, you can push further. I came across a blog that suggested another way. It suggested that we all have our own individual natural, healthy weights, that our bodies need to be at their healthiest. It talked about eating freely in order to recover from eating disorders. It talked about listening to your

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body fully, and responding to all the hunger that recovery brings. It talked about becoming friends with your body rather than treating it as the enemy. It also led me to a website that changed my life, and made me realise that I don’t have to engage with diet culture, or live my life trying to please society by having the ‘perfect’ body. Formerly known as Your Eatopia, now The Eating Disorder Institute, the site

taught me about health at every size, weight set point theory, and fat acceptance. I decided to reject the idea of an ‘ideal’ body. But this wasn’t a decision I made in an instant – it took years of research, getting involved with feminism and the body

positivity movement, and learning about the impact of diet culture, and how the diet and weight loss industry intentionally make us hate ourselves for profit. It took deciding to be as healthy and happy as I could possibly be in both body and mind. It took deciding to let

I choose my health and happiness over the approval of others. I choose me OUR EXPERT SAYS go of the importance that I had placed on being a certain weight. I turned out to be one of those people who naturally have a higher body weight than some. This can mean dealing with increased stigma around weight and size, and knowing that some people will look at me and decide that I am unhealthy/lazy/greedy, while knowing nothing about my lifestyle, or who I am as a person. I am also aware of my own weight privileges, in that there are people at higher weights who suffer a lot more stigma and discrimination. My body is the size that I can live my life as a healthy and happy person. If I wanted to be smaller, I’d have to focus on calorie restriction, and possibly an excessive amount of exercise, and we all

know where that would lead. I accept my body. I know I am doing what is right for me. I choose my health and happiness over the approval of others. I choose me. I have been ‘in remission’ as I like to call it (as I don’t believe eating disorders can ever be fully cured) for five years now. It was a long, hellish journey to end up here, but it was the most important thing that I have ever done for myself. If I could say one thing to those thinking about fighting that war, I would say that however indescribably hard the battle is, it is all worth it – a billion times over. To get to where I am now, I chose to reject the ideas and ideals that are so entrenched in our culture and our society. I chose my actual health over the

idea that you have to be a certain weight, shape, or size to be healthy. I chose my actual happiness over the absolute lie that you have to be a certain number on the scales to be happy. Those lies are fed to us all day, every day, everywhere we look, but I don’t buy it any more. I have decided to live my life in a way that means working with my body and letting it be whatever weight, shape, or size it needs to be to enable me to be healthy and happy. I will not change that for anyone. I choose me.

Over the years, suffering from her eating disorder caused Sarah severe symptoms that brought her to a crisis point in her life. She found online resources that helped her to change how she identified with her body. They inspired her and helped her to stay in a healthy relationship with herself and food. It helped her to value her own opinions of her body over that of others. Often this is first step in changing – knowing and finding who you are, not what others say you should be. Now Sarah is much more confident and comfortable with life. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor

March 2020 • happiful.com • 41

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

March

Feel empowered by real experiences, from real people. Get involved with the global movement celebrating women and girls, discover the influencer breaking down barriers, and take action to end stereotypes around eating disorders

PAGE-TURNERS

The Wellfulness Project ‘Wellfulness’ is all about using mindfulness to improve your wellbeing. You don’t need to practise meditation, mindfulness can be used anywhere at any time. The Wellfulness Project will guide you through how to apply mindfulness in everyday life.

PUT ON A SHOW Women of the World Festival

Women of the World is a global movement celebrating women and girls. This year is the 10th anniversary of the WOW festival, and it’s set to be bigger than ever! Visit the festival for three days of events, performances, and debates from the world’s leading speakers, activists, and performers. (6–8 March. To find out more, visit thewowfoundation.com)

(Out 5 March, Octopus Publishing Group, £16.99)

OUT AND ABOUT London Dog Week

This week-long celebration is all about the power pups have to bring people together. Head to the capital to enjoy fashion exclusives, interactive experiences, and competitions, all while raising money to support the welfare of dogs around the country. It’s bound to have tails wagging! (23–29 March, for more information head to londondogweek.com)

PLUGGED-IN Amber Guzman

Amber lives with muscular dystrophy, which has left her unable to walk long distances, and has made daily activities more challenging. To help distract herself, Amber began to embrace her passion for cosplay, and now she inspires thousands with her complex costume designs, eye-catching photographs, and ingenious incorporation of her wheelchair.

(Follow @amber_ kohaku_chan on Instagram)

TECH TIP-OFFS ThinkUp Positive Affirmations

Do you want to develop a more positive mindset? ThinkUp helps you achieve this by allowing you to choose a positive affirmation, record yourself saying it, and listen to it daily. You can record multiple affirmations specific to your goals, and add your favourite music and photos to tailor the app just for you. (Download from the App Store and Google Play, find out more at thinkup.me)

LEND US YOUR EARS How Did We Get Here?

Ever wonder how you ended up in a certain situation? Close friends Claudia Winkleman and Professor Tanya Byron discuss the reallife difficulties their guests are facing, and help them to understand why they can’t put into practice what they know they should do.

THE CONVERSATION Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Anyone affected by an eating disorder deserves support, no matter what their diagnosis, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, age or background. This week is about breaking down the stereotypes around eating disorders, and sharing real-life stories about how people are affected. (2–8 March, get involved at beateatingdisorders.org.uk)

Images | Mulan: Walt Disney Pictures, Amber: Instagram @amber_kohaku_chan

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

SQUARE EYES Mulan

This Disney favourite is back with a bang in this live-action feature film. Mulan tells the story of a young Chinese woman who disguises herself as a male warrior in order to protect her father. Far from a princess waiting to be saved from her tower, this script is filled with female empowerment. (In cinemas 27 March)

TREAT YOURSELF

GET GOING

Chocathlon Yorkshire Getting active doesn’t mean you have to give up all tasty temptations! Choose between 5K or 9K routes, and refuel at the chocolate stations as you walk or run around the track. Prizes are on offer for the top three finishers, as well as the best fancy dress.

(7 March, find out more at chocathlon.co.uk)

WAKEcup coffee cup

If you’re trying to go green, a reusable coffee cup is a great way to cut down on the plastic! The WAKEcup coffee cup is made from sustainably farmed bamboo and stainless steel, and 10% of profits go directly to The Marine Conservation Society. Start saving the planet with your coffee. (£19, visit globalwakecup.com for more) Win a WAKEcup coffee cup! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: How much coffee cup waste does the UK produce each year? a) 10,000 tonnes b) 20,000 tonnes c) 30,000 tonnes UK mainland only. Competition closes on 19 March 2020, good luck!

WIN!

How to deal with the

“How's work?" question

Taking time off for our mental health is often essential, but many of us dread explaining why we’re taking time away Writing | Katie Conibear Illustrating | Rosan Magar

ften it’s not until we’re taking time off to look after our mental health that we realise how much small talk revolves around work. It’s seen as a universal icebreaker, from people we know well to those we’ve just met. We might be at a party (yes, you can be unwell and still go to parties), a family gathering, or just out for a coffee with a friend. While it can feel overwhelming to socialise when we’re unwell, it’s important as it stops us from isolating ourselves, and these are the people that can support us, and help carry us through. So to then be presented with the “how’s work” question can sometimes feel like too much to deal with. As innocent as the intention, it can be a loaded question. I’ve been asked this when I’ve been ill with mental health problems, and that feeling of dread will begin to creep over me. I’ll feel flustered and anxious, with a tightness in my chest. I’ve found myself making excuses, or trying to avoid the

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question completely. But rather than feeling shame, or hiding, here are four important points to remember when we’re having these conversations.

1 BE HONEST Sounds difficult right? It doesn’t have to be. The way we phrase our responses can make everyone who is a part of the conversation feel at ease. Think about the person or people you’re talking to. How can they relate to your situation? Do they know us well or are they acquaintances? There are simple phrases that work well in these situations: • “I’m taking some time out for my mental health.” • “I’m making my health a priority.” • “I need time to refocus so I can do my best at work when I go back.” • “I was feeling stressed and near burnout, and needed some time off to recharge.” Depending on the person, we can figure out how much detail we want to divulge. If you feel you can

be completely honest, do it! The majority of people will care and ask how they can help.

2 LOSE THE SHAME We often find ourselves apologising for being mentally unwell. We do it because of shame and guilt, but thinking differently about why we’re off can make our conversations easier. Ask yourself: “How likely is it someone will think less of me? I’ve made a call about my health and I needed to take time off.” Feeling ashamed won’t help us feel better, it will sabotage our efforts to get back to work. If someone does shame us for being unwell, they need to be educated; it is a fault with them, not us.

3 TELL THEM YOU’RE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF Having time out from work means you’re taking your health seriously. It might be you’ve stopped yourself from reaching burnout. Or you may have reached burnout, and had the presence of mind to realise

that you needed a break. Everyone can relate to these feelings to an extent. If it’s an ongoing, long-term illness then it shows that we know ourselves well, and taking care of ourselves should be praised. We’ve taken responsibility for our health, which shows maturity. We should be proud that we’re not trying to work through an illness, but instead are making our health a priority.

4 REMEMBER WORK DOESN’T DEFINE YOU Although work is an important part of many people’s lives, it doesn’t have to define us. There are so many more things that are a part of us – our hobbies, passions, and personality to name a few. When we really think about all the topics we’re interested in, the possibilities for a conversation are endless. Shifting a conversation to

a topic that is important to us can make socialising less stressful to deal with. It can also help us find purpose outside of work. It can help us realise that our identity matters just as much as our career. Katie Conibear is a freelance writer, focusing on mental health. She blogs at stumblingmind.com and has a podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a focus on hearing voices. March 2020 • happiful.com • 45

Photography | Marcos Paulo Prado

“

Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward – ROY T BENNETT

How acrylic nails helped me beat my hair-pulling disorder For years, Salma battled trichotillomania – the irresistible urge to pull out her hair. Then a simple trip to a nail salon transformed her life, and her sense of self… Writing | Salma Haidrani

or most of my teens, mornings often followed the same pattern: I’d wake up with raw and red eyes, a sore scalp, several missing lashes, and patches of bare skin between my eyebrows. It took a few seconds before it’d dawn on me why: I’d deliberately pulled my hair out, and now there was hardly any of it left. It wasn’t always like this. With our thick mane and full set of dark eyelashes, no one could easily tell me or my twin, Layla, apart. >>>

March 2020 • happiful.com • 47

Any attempts to ‘cure’ the disorder over the years – from putting plasters on my fingers, to meditation – had failed But at 15, I’d developed trichotillomania, a disorder that saw me pull at my lashes, brows, and later my scalp. Stressed by looming exams, the familiar ritual of pulling a strand and coiling it around my fingers was soothing. It soon became addictive, and it wasn’t long before bald patches the size of a 50p piece appeared on my scalp. When I ran out of head hair to pull, I started tearing out my pubic hair. I feared anyone finding out, so I’d painstakingly spend hours in front of the mirror, lining my eyes and brows with heavy kohl liner and pencil. Despite my efforts to conceal my disorder, it wasn’t long before school friends found out. One particularly cruel jibe I heard was: ‘How can you tell the difference between the twins? Salma’s the one who doesn’t have eyelashes.’ The challenges that came with my condition were exacerbated by my heritage. Communities of colour like mine – I’m halfLebanese, half-Pakistani – can often have an uneasy relationship with mental health. I certainly saw this first-hand. Relatives were reluctant to see trichotillomania for what is – a mental health disorder – but as something I could easily control. My parents, uncles, and aunts remained convinced that all it took to control my condition was willpower.

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Any attempts to ‘cure’ the disorder over the years – from putting plasters on my fingers, to meditation – had failed. I had resigned myself to dealing with the disorder for the rest of my life. But that all changed last April when I was taken, with fellow bridesmaids, to a salon to have matching red acrylic nails applied, ready for my sister’s wedding. That evening, I found that the length made it difficult to grip, let alone pull, my lashes. I was so overcome with panic that I considered running back to the salon to have them removed. Over that week, it became too much effort to keep trying, and soon I realised that I barely pulled. The impact acrylic nails have had on my life has been immeasurable. Within a month, lashes and brow hair started sprouting for the first time in years. Two months later, I had a full set of (albeit stubby) lashes. Applying mascara for the first time in more than a decade was surreal. With my hair growth came renewed confidence: I no longer had to hide. Now I’m rarely seen without my acrylics – I’ve experimented with neon-green talons in summer and jet-black fingertips during October. If anything, I don’t feel like ‘me’ without them. That’s not to say there haven’t been drawbacks. One white

acrylic nail broke mid-way through a week-long trip to Ibiza last summer, and I found myself tugging absent-mindedly at my lashes while sunbathing. Having to maintain my nails once a month can also take a toll on my finances. A new set can set me back as much as £45 (sometimes £65 if I opt for intricate designs). As a freelance journalist, my income can be unsteady, so sometimes I’ve had to cancel seeing friends, or cut back on meals out. A surprising side-effect, too, has been discovering the stigma associated with acrylic nails. Although a number of celebrities have popularised acrylic nails – from the likes of Cardi B, Rihanna, and Kylie Jenner, to the female cast of Love Island – that the idea of acrylic nails being ‘common’, ‘classless’ or ‘tacky’ still persists. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been asked ‘How do you do anything with those nails?’ and even ‘How do you wipe after going to the toilet?’ At times, I’ve had to reveal my condition to complete strangers – something I’ve kept secret for more a decade – to distance myself from the negative associations of acrylics. It does a disservice to the transformative impact acrylic nails have had on my life and sense of self. After all, I haven’t pulled for a year and a half, something I’d

I haven’t pulled for a year and a half, something I’d never have thought possible a decade ago

Salma’s acrylic nails helped to stop her hair-pulling disorder

never have thought possible a decade ago. I no longer need to endure a three-hour round trip for eyelash extensions – nor have to

brace myself for the technician’s confusion as she notices the empty patches of bare skin between my lashes. I can spend hours trawling make-up counters, trying new

mascaras – a ritual I’d consigned to history, thanks to trichotillomania. For those battling the disorder, help is on hand. Though a fresh set of acrylic nails works for me, that’s not to say that will be the case for everyone. Mindfulness, fidget toys, wearing a tight-fitting hat, and CBT, can have a similar effect. Online trichotillomania support groups, too, offer much solace and comfort, as people the world over have made me feel less isolated as we exchange ‘progress photos’, much-needed encouragement, and distraction techniques. To women of colour like myself with the disorder, I say: you’re not any less of a ‘woman’. It’s heartening that high-profile figures, like Sam Faiers and Colin Farrell, are more vocal about their experiences with trichotillomania – I know I would have benefited from knowing that there were others who also struggled. Gone are the days of waking up with a blurred vision and tell-tale bare skin between my brows. Gone, too, are the days of people being able to easily tell me and my twin sister apart just by a quick glance at the bald patches on my scalp. And for that, and more, I thank my acrylic nails. Salma Haidrani is an awardwinning freelance writer and journalist based in London. Follow Salma on Twitter @its_me_salma

March 2020 • happiful.com • 49

M e d i a

p a r t n e r

Wellbeing – fact or fiction? How many contradictory posts on wellness have you seen in the past week? It can be hard to decipher what you should (and shouldn’t) believe online, but fortunately there’s a new movement to change that – Sarah Greenidge’s WellSpoken is a trailblazer for truth and credibility across the industry Writing | Lucy Donoughue

hat would you say if your boss told you to bend the truth? Or that blurring the lines of what you could and couldn’t say was OK? For Sarah Greenidge, this situation came up while consulting for a consumer health PR firm... “I was really shocked, stunned, at what could be said at a consumer health level,” she says. Sarah’s concerns were raised when she was asked to cast an eye over a campaign. “I remember giving it back with red marks, noting there were a lot of things that couldn’t, or shouldn’t, be said, and was met with a response of: ‘This is health and wellness, so it’s different. We don’t have to be so stringent.’” To address this shocking state of fact and fiction, Sarah had the idea for WellSpoken – an independent authority providing a code of practice to ensure consumers could get credible, evidence-based information on nutrition and wellness.

Having worked in healthcare, medical communications, and regulations, Sarah had the knowledge and experience, so her first step was to get to grips with exactly what the main issues were. After a year-long journey, she realised two main things… “There wasn’t enough infrastructure, regulation, or standardisation in place when it comes to dealing with something that’s inappropriate,” Sarah says. “Unfortunately that’s still the case, unless you breach the advertising rules, but you can put out some really dodgy information and there’s no repercussions, apart from a bit of backlash. “The second thing is, I asked five CEOs what credibility and wellness meant to them, and I got some smashing answers – but they were all different,” Sarah says. “We don’t have a standard way of keeping our communications credible.” So, by working with the University of Barcelona and the University of Sheffield, WellSpoken

developed a framework. It offers accreditation and the WellSpoken Mark, to ensure consumers can find trustworthy information, and that those providing it are sharing authentic, reliable, and evidencebased content. It’s an important step forward. Given that the worldwide wellness industry is worth 4.2 trillion dollars, it’s big business. But WellSpoken isn’t just about calling out misinformation. It’s also about supporting and developing credible – and incredible – content. And it’s also important we move with the times. The way we’re consuming information is changing, so it’s not just the big brands that need to be aware of the impact they’re having. “Often the way influencers make money is by being an ambassador,” Sarah explains, “or by being paid to share content about products. If you’re not experienced in that field, you might end up promoting something you wouldn’t ordinarily, and it’s not maliciously done.”

I remember giving it back with red marks and was met with a response of: ‘This is health and wellness, we don’t have to be so stringent’ You may have seen the video clips from an undercover BBC3 series, exposing this very issue. Influencers, including Lauren Goodger, were filmed agreeing to promote a fake product called Cyanora, without questioning the poisonous ingredient hydrogen cyanide. Part of WellSpoken’s work has involved researching the impact of influencer behaviour, by analysing more than 3,500 health and wellness influencers, and offering them data, and even guidance on pricing, for posts. But there’s still more work to be done, Sarah insists. “We’re looking at the psychology behind the influencer-follower relationship – how ‘followers’ interact with those they follow, and how this might cause them to drop their guard. “For example, if they read information in an article by an unknown author, they would be more likely to park that. But when that same information comes from someone they’ve put their trust in, they are more open to receive and act upon it – so influencer’s can have even more responsibility than a brand, in a way.” With that responsibility, WellSpoken suggests the following four tenets every content producer

should abide by. “We use SOBI. S stands for substantiation – making sure you can reference research and, where it’s personal opinion, showing that really clearly. O is is making sure you’re not out of remit. B is balance. And I is for incomplete – not leaving out vital information.” It’s an approach she hopes many in the wellness industry will adopt moving forwards! Find out more about WellSpoken at wearewellspoken.com and follow it on Twitter @WellSpokenMark

Sarah will be at Live Well London (28 Feb to 1 March), speaking at ‘How To Be A Credible Business in the Wellbeing Industry’ and ‘Fact or Fiction: What To Believe When It Comes To Your Wellbeing’. Find out more at livewelllondon.com

How to stop resentment building in your relationship Occasional arguments can be a natural part of our relationships, but is there a way to avoid upset and imbalances before they develop into something more? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

omantic relationships can be tricky things. From keeping track of the dayto-day, to the dozens of tasks and responsibilities on our plates (such as remembering the birthday of a family member you’ve never even met), relationships can come with a lot of added responsibilities. For many, the imbalance in emotional labour that can develop leaves us feeling exhausted, overstretched, stressed, and fedup. As counsellor Laurele Mitchell explains, when we feel that the balance of our responsibilities within a relationship is off, it can lead to a whole host of problems. “It’s incredibly stressful to take responsibility for someone else, to remember everything that needs to be done – never mind to do it – especially if we subjugate our own needs in the process,” Laurele explains. “It can lead to

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bitterness and resentment, being critical, and even contemptuous of our partner, which all have the potential to damage the relationship, especially if our partner is blissfully unaware of the problem!” Communication is key The more stressed and under pressure we feel, the more likely we are to bottle things up. After all, how can those around us not see how overwhelmed we are? Yet when we let these feelings and overall sense of discontent build, we risk making ourselves feel worse. “Effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and the antidote to the impact of emotional labour,” Laurele says. But how can we start to do this, if the effects of emotional labour are already being felt? “Firstly, articulating your feelings honestly and respectfully

to your partner, with the view of understanding one another, rather than apportioning blame, can actually deepen the relationship, even if it feels risky at first. Secondly, honouring our feelings enough to articulate them to another is empowering and reminds us that we matter, too.” ...but how we communicate with each other can differ Relationship expert and counsellor, Dr Kalanit BenAri explains that while communication is key, how we express ourselves (and our needs) can vary greatly. “When talking about emotional labour in a relationship, it’s important to note that women and men express and regulate their emotions differently. It’s not that one gender is better than the other, just that we communicate emotions in what can appear to be different languages, and

in different areas of life. It is important for couples to learn about their partner’s ‘language’, and to communicate openly and honestly about their own experience. The goal is to move away from blaming and shaming, to collaboration, growth, and possibilities.” While we may think we are being open and frank with how we are feeling, sometimes our partners can miss the signs – as can we. “When one partner feels they hold the emotional labour, but do not communicate it in a way the other can really understand and share that responsibility, it can lead to resentment. Having this mindset not only disempowers them but also prevents change from happening.” Focus on what you want – not what you don’t The way in which we frame and share our feelings can have a

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What is emotional labour? In essence, emotional labour refers to having to keep up a happy outward facade, take on additional tasks (such as housework and general life admin), or take on an ‘organisational’ role at home, which can often be seen as ‘nagging’

huge impact on how our partners perceive – and react – to them. Dr Ben-Ari suggests that we should share our feelings from our own perspective, focusing on small steps and potential solutions we can work towards together, rather than looking to place the blame. “For example, rather than saying, ‘I’m exhausted, you never care, I need to take care of everything…’ say ‘I’m exhausted. I feel a lot is going on for me. I would really appreciate it if we can have one dinner this week without the kids to share and plan the next week.’ “Couples are much more aware of what they don’t want, but have little idea about what they do want. When we put the focus on what we are ‘not getting’ this is what’s going to grow. Instead, look at your partner through the eyes of love. Appreciate what they 54 • happiful.com • March 2020

already do, ask for specific and instructed support, and this is what’s going to grow.” Share the load Resentment and discontent can build not only when we feel like we are taking on more than our fair share, but also when one partner feels like they need to be ‘in charge’ of splitting the workload. It can be easy for one partner to fall into a more ‘organisational’ role, where they feel like they have to be responsible for tracking every little thing from birthdays and bills, to chores. Yet we may not realise that our partners, too, may be feeling there are areas they are shouldering the load. For example, I found myself growing frustrated that my partner expected me to have a

list of chores ready for him each weekend; couldn’t he just as easily figure out what needed doing? It wasn’t until we talked about it, that we realised by having this list, it helped him to feel less overwhelmed and distracted with the sheer number of ‘little things’ that regularly add up. Identify what works for you Splitting everything 50/50 may sound like the ideal way to go, but finding the best way to balance the load can vary greatly, depending on your relationship and needs. By focusing instead on talking and working together to find compromises, you can both be happy with, you can ensure that you each feel happier with your responsibilities. We each have our own strengths and

Couples are much more aware of what they don’t want, but have little idea about what they do want

weaknesses; it’s OK to keep these in mind and to work with, not around, these needs. Consider speaking with an expert If you’re worried that the communication in your relationship may have broken down, speaking with a relationship therapist or

couples counsellor could help. While a counsellor will not ‘give you the answer’, they can help to create a safe space where you can talk openly and confidentially, without worrying that they will ‘take sides’. When you have been with someone for a long time, it can be easy for communication to break down without realising

it. Speaking with an objective, unconnected third party can help you to gain new insight and perspective into issues that may be clear or more covert. To find out more about relationship counselling and emotional labour, download the Happiful app, or visit relate.org.uk for relationship help and advice. March 2020 • happiful.com • 55

“

Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning – GLORIA STEINEM

Photography | Ian Dooley

TRUE LIFE

Finally free to be me

The impact of Naphtaly’s polycystic ovary syndrome isn’t just physical, but mental too. She struggled with depression and loving herself for years, but has finally found a way to nourish herself, and find peace Writing | Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman

uffering with your mental health is not easy. And I should know, having struggled with my mental health for more than a decade. During adolescence, I experienced anxiety and stress due to my polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). By the age of 16, this developed into low moods, causing anxiety and selfhatred. At 17, I moved to London to study, but had no social connections there at that point. My depression became worse, causing me to feel like my energy and motivation were drained. But none of this compared to the feeling that I had lost myself and my identity. During my bachelor’s degree at university in

2014, it became harder and harder. I felt caged inside my own mind, dying to be free. I had a rage inside of me, all I was doing was taking medications for my PCOS, and whatever the doctor had prescribed did not work for me at all. It was hard to focus on my studies – in class I felt numb, and even lonelier. I didn’t know how to manage my anger and depression. Carbs, alcohol, and sugary sweets made it easier to survive those stressful days, but only for a short period of time. I started talking really negatively towards myself. Can you imagine spending 24 hours a day inside your head, with only negative thoughts for company? I couldn’t find equilibrium.

When I turned 19, I started partying a lot, which was hard as I was working full-time while going to university. The amount of pain I had from the PCOS was increasing with an imbalanced menstrual cycle, and I was putting on a lot of weight, even when eating healthy and exercising. I was going six to eight months, or even a year, without having a period, then having them last from four to six months long. Not only was my mental health affected, but also my physical health. During those times, it was hard to accept who I was seeing in the mirror. I had spots on my face and I began wearing loads of makeup to hide the

person underneath it, which didn’t help. There were days where I locked myself inside my room without seeing daylight, without seeing or talking to anybody. The worst part was that I was ashamed to tell my parents, friends, or partner how I felt, because I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. When I began explaining to a few friends and colleagues about the way I felt, it was always one answer, which was “It’s only in your head” or “You’ll get over it.” At the age of 22, I was feeling rejected, sad, unmotivated, and things weren’t going well in everything from my personal life to my career. I hated feeling like there was no spark in my soul. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 57

I felt caged inside my own mind, dying to be free

I wanted to only spend time with myself; all I wanted was to be in my own sad little world. But I had – and still have – my amazing supportive partner who was always there to help me through this process. In 2017, during my final year at university, I was feeling exhausted and drained, but I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I went to the doctor to get help with my PCOS. I looked myself in the mirror, and asked myself: is this how I want to feel?

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My answer was no, I wanted help, I wanted to be myself and happy. I’ve tried numerous things to combat my depression – I changed jobs, went on frequent holidays, exercised, ate healthily, spent time off social media, had herbal teas. The list goes on, and it was tiring. But nothing seemed to work. In 2017, I had an idea: why not create something for relaxation without breaking the bank? I wanted to provide and practise self-care within

the comfort of my home, so I started to investigate what was needed. I thought home fragrances and skincare would be a great way to start, and launched NaphtalyWorld in summer 2017. This was the start of me being able to accept my depression, and start on the road of recovery. I used to see my mental illness as an

affliction. But now it’s a part of who I am, and I’m comfortable discussing it openly now. I realised that I had to learn to forgive myself, and show more compassion towards myself. Now, I keep a gratitude journal and write positive things in it every day. I have a healthy diet, exercise more often, and

Find out more about Naphtaly at naphtalyworld.com

travel when I can. I also have positive affirmations posted all over my house, and I make sure to practise mindfulness daily. I am now better at looking after myself, and do more for me. I go on solo-dates to restaurants, the opera, movies, holidays, and generally make myself a priority. I don’t beat myself up for having a bad mental health moment, or day, or week anymore. My business has been a game-changer for me, not only because I’m

I don’t beat myself up for having a bad mental health moment, or day, or week anymore

doing something I love, but because I can share my story with others who are also living with depression and PCOS, or are looking for a new way of improving their health and wellbeing. Now, for the first time in my life, I am more than happy and feel at peace with myself. I am a health and wellness coach, dedicated to helping others and myself. I run an award-winning skincare and home fragrance business, and I am writing a wellness cookbook to be

published this year. I hold wellness events, do public speaking, and much more. My journey has taught me the importance of health and wellbeing for creating a balance of good nutrition, good health, and happiness in one’s life. I hope my words give you the strength and knowledge you need to act as your own advocate, and the power to create change in your life – starting from today. Many women learn to manage PCOS naturally. For me, I have learned not to let this affect me mentally anymore – everyone is different, and trust me, you are not alone. Please know that there is no quick fix or magic potion to cure depression or PCOS, along with many other mental health conditions, but there is still so much hope for those affected. Help is all around you – yes, it often

does take a lot of hard work and courage, but you will get there.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Naphtaly’s story is one of inspiration. Gradually people are recognising just how many of us struggle with mental health. It’s also not unusual for our physical health to impact upon it too. What’s fantastic is Naphtaly found a way through her darkest days – what’s more is she’s willing to share it. The more we feel able to open up to others, the lighter the burden becomes. It also enables us to find a new path through our struggles – for Naphtaly that was through her business. There’s always a way through – it begins with sharing your story! Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

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How to de-stress in five simple steps Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Sometimes stress builds up, and you feel totally overwhelmed. When this happens, you need tools that work in the moment to help you feel relaxed and in control

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e all know that too much stress isn’t good for us. As well as damaging our mental and physical health, it can cause problems at work and in our relationships. But taking action can be easier said than done. Making time for self-care, reaching out for support, and getting enough sleep, are all fantastic for keeping us calm, but let’s be realistic, sometimes circumstances don’t allow for this. There are times in our lives when things build up, and the feeling of being overwhelmed hits you like a brick wall. When this happens, getting up from your desk at work to go to a yoga class, or saying “Sorry kids, I need some me-time, make your own dinner” isn’t always possible. This is why having some tools to lower stress is so important. The following steps can help you do just that.

2 FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING

1 SAY ‘STOP’

4 USE THE WOOP TECHNIQUE

Often when we’re stressed, our thinking becomes too fast and we spiral into panic. The trick to getting out of this is self-awareness. As soon as you recognise what’s happening, say the word ‘stop’, ideally out-loud – but in your head is fine, too. The ‘stop’ technique (or thoughtstopping) is often used in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help prevent obsessive or worrying thoughts from taking over. By recognising what’s happening, you have the opportunity to change your way of thinking.

A good step to take after using the stop technique is to deepen your breathing. When we’re stressed, we take more shallow breaths, and this can lead to physical anxiety symptoms such as dizziness and chest pain. To counter this, try to breathe from your belly and exhale a little longer than you inhale. The 4-78 breathing technique is great at reducing anxiety and stress – simply breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, and breathe out for eight.

Imagine yourself in a calm setting, somewhere quiet, and really allow yourself to be there

3 VISUALISE YOURSELF SOMEWHERE LOVELY

Classical music has been shown to slow heart rate, lower blood pressure, and reduce stress hormones. But if classical isn’t your thing, any music you love will give your mood a lift. Find something that reminds you of a happy memory and, if you can, have a five-minute dance party!

This may sound incredibly simple, but a little visualisation can go a long way. Imagine yourself in a calm setting, somewhere quiet, and really allow yourself to be there. Maybe you’re on a beach, in your childhood home, or a tranquil garden. Find a place you feel safe. Remember a time you felt calm, confident and in control. Recall how you felt, and let your body respond.

Developed by psychotherapist Gabriele Oettingen, the WOOP technique can be a powerful way to move past mental blocks. Take a few minutes to think about the following: Wish – what is your wish or hope right now? Outcome – what is the ideal outcome? Obstacle – what might be getting in your way? Plan – what is one action you can take? Make the following plan: “If [obstacle], then I will [action or thought].”

5 LISTEN TO YOUR FAVOURITE MUSIC

Use these techniques when things get busy, but try not to rely on them solely for reducing your stress. There are times when stress is unavoidable, but it’s important to recognise when it’s taking over and becoming a daily feature. If you’re finding stress is affecting your health, you need to think long-term. It’s always worth speaking to your GP, but you may also want to try talking therapies such as CBT to help you understand the link between thoughts and behaviours, or hypnotherapy which can help you change your response to stress. Stress affects us in many ways but there are also a variety of methods to tackle it, so don’t worry – the right help is out there for you. March 2020 • happiful.com • 61

Bellissimo! Pasta recipes to make you weak at the knees Writing | Ellen Hoggard

ometimes, nothing beats a warming bowl of pasta. It’s cheap and cheerful, and you don’t need to be a Michelinstarred chef to whip up something mouth-watering. By dabbling in the world of seasonal vegetables, and mixing up your sauces, you can make a pasta recipe go a long way – cooking in bulk to feed you for a whole week, while also providing you with more than your five-a-day. Nowadays, it’s a lot easier to accomodate for allergies, too. With pasta varieties in abundance, and many alternative dairy products now available, there’s nothing stopping us all from getting out the big pot and whipping up a bowl of delicious, but nutritious goodness.

Vegetarian Bolognese Serves 4

Grilled Asparagus & Pesto Spaghetti Serves 4

Ingredients 1 onion 1 large carrot 1 courgette 1 red pepper 200g mushrooms 2 tbsp olive oil 1 tsp garlic 1 tsp dried mixed herbs 2 tbsp tomato paste 1 tbsp vegetable stock concentrate 400g can chopped tomatoes 400g spaghetti 40g parmesan, grated

Ingredients 25g basil 25g flat leaf parsley 1 tsp garlic 100g green olives 2 tbsp pine nuts, toasted 40g parmesan, grated 2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra for brushing 230g asparagus, trimmed and halved 300g wholewheat spaghetti Salt and pepper

Method • Slice the onion. In a pan, heat the oil and cook the onion until soft. Chop the carrot, courgette, pepper and mushrooms into small chunks and add to the pan. Sauté for 5 minutes. • Add the garlic, dried herbs and mix. Add the tomato paste, vegetable stock and chopped tomatoes. Bring to boil, then simmer for 20 minutes. • In a large pan of boiling water, add the spaghetti and boil for 10–12 mins. • Drain the spaghetti and divide into 4 bowls. Add the vegetable bolognese with a sprinkling of cheese. Serve hot with an optional side salad.

Method • In a food processor, add the herbs, olives, pine nuts and parmesan. Combine until coarse. Add a glug of oil and combine until a smooth, green pesto. Set aside. • Preheat a griddle pan, or the grill. Brush the asparagus with a little oil and cook for 10–12 minutes, turning regularly until tender. • Meanwhile, cook the spaghetti in a large pan of boiling water for 10–12 minutes. • Drain the spaghetti and return to the pan. Add the pesto and asparagus and stir. Serve in bowls with an extra sprinkling of parmesan and black pepper. Enjoy.

OUR EXPERT SAYS… Vegetarian Bolognese This is a great recipe to batch cook and store in the freezer for busy evenings. The large variety of vegetables offers a myriad of good bacteria, promoting healthy bacterial diversity in the gut. The carrots and red peppers are loaded with vitamin C and A, benefitting the immune system and skin. These well-cooked vegetables will be easy to digest, while rich in fibre, which should help stable blood sugar levels. I would suggest opting for fresh vegetable stock instead of concentrate, to benefit from the added antioxidants, and enhance the nutrition-density of this recipe. Grilled Asparagus & Pesto Spaghetti I love the use of fresh basil and parsley. Not only do they add flavour, but they also offer a myriad of nutritional qualities! Parsley is well-known for promoting bowel motility and decreasing bloating, while basil is highly regarded for its immuneenhancing properties. The basil and pine nuts make a feisty immune-boosting combo, while the nuts also offer a dose of healthy fats for satiety, and minerals, such as magnesium (for sleep), zinc (for skin), and iron (for healthy red blood cells). You could swap asparagus for a more seasonal vegetable, such as purple sprouting broccoli.

Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Josephine (Beanie) Robinson is a nutritional therapist, yoga and meditation teacher, and co-founder of The Health Space. Find out more at thehealth-space.com

10 nutrition myths debunked

We all want to live healthier lives, but with so much nutritional information online and on social media, how can we separate the facts from the fiction? Jenna Farmer chats to the experts to debunk the myths around healthy eating, and shares their top tips for a healthier you

The myth: Going gluten-free will improve your gut health The reality: Unless you have an allergy or intolerance, a glutenfree diet really is no healthier than one with gluten in it. “For the majority of people, going glutenfree is not going to improve gut health. However for the 1% of the population who have coeliac disease it is of course essential,” explains Dr Sammie Gill, a dietitian who specialises in gut health. If you suspect gluten is a problem for you, ask your GP to test you for coeliac disease, but don’t cut out any food group without medical advice. But what about those food intolerance tests we see on social media? Registered nutritionist Dr Laura Wyness urges her clients to be wary. “Many allergy tests have no scientific basis, and can be harmful when multiple foods are excluded without reason – not to mention a waste of money!” Laura advises any testing should always be done under medical supervision with the support of a dietitian. 64 • happiful.com • March 2020

The myth: Carbohydrates cause you to gain weight The reality: We’ve all heard the mantra ‘no carbs before Marbs’, but is it true that tucking into carbohydrates can cause weight gain? Absolutely not. The NHS advises that there’s very little

evidence that ditching carbs can help with weight loss, and that tucking into healthier whole grain carbohydrates, like brown pasta and rye bread, actually offers a whole host of benefits.

The myth: Eat five pieces of fruit and veg a day to stay healthy The reality: Five-a-day is certainly a good target to aim for, but it’s not quite as simple as that. “Some research suggests seven, or even 10 per day, is actually optimal,” explains nutritionist Anna Mapson. But however much fruit and veg you manage to consume, don’t go reaching for the same produce time and time again. “Smoothies can help with upping your intake, but they reduce the amount of fibre, so you shouldn’t have more than one a day. Instead, aim for variety to keep your gut microbes happy,” Anna adds.

The myth: It’s difficult to get enough protein on a vegan diet

The myth: We all need to up our fibre intake The reality: There’s no denying that fibre is vital for a healthy gut, but it’s not as simple as reaching for the Bran Flakes. “Different fibres behave in different ways when they reach the gut, so variety through different sources (such as wholegrains, fruit, veg, nuts, seeds, and legumes) is key,” advises Dr Sammie Gill. “In some circumstances you can have too much of a good thing. For example, with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), certain types of fibre can aggravate symptoms,

and increasing fibre too quickly may actually worsen symptoms temporarily.” Therefore, if your gut is sensitive, quickly upping your fibre isn’t the answer. It’s worth keeping a food diary, paying attention to the types of fibre you consume, and increasing it gradually to avoid digestive discomfort. Those with medical conditions, such as inflammatory bowel disease and diverticulitis, are sometimes advised to follow a low fibre diet to help with symptoms.

The reality: This one has an element of truth in it. Make the switch without doing any research and you could find it tricky. However, with a little forward thinking, it’s perfectly possible to tuck into plenty of protein-rich meals on a vegan diet. “Vegan protein intake requires careful planning, but can be achieved,” explains Anna Mapson. “Ensure you’re eating protein at every meal. Plant-rich sources include tofu, beans, pulses, and nuts. Most people underestimate how much protein is actually plant-based – one cup of beans is around 8–9g of the 50g of protein you need a day.” Beans on toast for dinner it is then... >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 65

The myth: Switch to sugar-free alternatives to help with cravings The reality: Many sugar-free drinks and sweet treats rely on artificial sweeteners such as aspartame. A recent overview of studies found that these sugar substitutes actually offer no health benefits, and aren’t linked to weight loss.

Generally superfoods are expensive, but common vegetables like carrots, cabbages or blackberries, are packed with just as many nutrients The myth: You need to splash out on superfoods to be healthy The reality: Hands up if you’ve dashed out to buy the latest superfoods – such as kale and pomegranate – without really understanding the hype. There’s nothing wrong with these products, but you’ll often find the health benefits elsewhere – at a much cheaper price. “Superfood is a marketing term,” explains nutritionist Anna Mapson. “Generally superfoods are expensive, but common vegetables like carrots, cabbages or blackberries, are packed with just as many nutrients.” Save your cash and spend it on a rainbow of fruit and veg instead. 66 • happiful.com • March 2020

ore Find m al n nutritio e th info on pp ul a Happif

The myth: Not eating after 7pm helps you to lose weight

The myth: Everybody should detox on a regular basis

The reality: What time you tuck into that cheeseburger and fries really makes no difference to how many calories are in it. You might find it more comfortable to eat a heavier meal at lunchtime (and find this helps with things like bloating and heartburn), but that’s about it!

The reality: It’s often been said that a regular detox (whether that’s through a juice cleanse, fasting, or cutting out food groups from your diet) is necessary for optimal health, but the truth is that your body already does this on a daily basis. Our bodies detox in a number of ways – in fact yours is probably doing so right now! Essentially, our bodily systems can flush out ‘toxins’ every time you take a deep breath, go to the loo, sweat, or even get your period. And the good news is that it’s perfectly capable of doing it without our help. While you don’t need to embark on detox cleanses, ditching habits, like excessive alcohol consumption and smoking, does make it that little bit easier for your body to do its job!

The myth: Alkaline diets prevent the body from becoming too acidic The reality: Alkaline diets have been on the scene for years now, but do they actually have any truth in them? Dr Laura Wyness says no. “It stems from the idea our blood PH can change according to our diet, but if food changed our blood PH we’d be in a lot of trouble! Our body constantly regulates the PH of our blood to ensure it stays within a PH of 7.35 to 7.45 to prevent us from dying. Alkaline foods include lots of fruit and vegetables, so in lots of ways it can be healthy, but not because of the impact on our body’s PH level!”

What time you tuck into that cheeseburger and fries really makes no difference to how many calories are in it

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

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Gloves Off

Book Review

Raw. Relatable. Re-readable. Unforgettable. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

hen it comes to books for teens, the topic of bullying isn’t exactly new. It’s something that, by the time we reach adulthood and are finally able to start making our own decisions, we will have encountered in some form or another. And yet, somehow, Louisa Reid’s young adult novel, Gloves Off, manages to encapsulate the whole, horrid experience in what feels like a unique and visceral way.

WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Written in poetic verse, Lily, a teen in secondary school, shares her

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experience of being mercilessly, physically and emotionally bullied. When a particularly bad incident forces Lily to open up about her experiences, she is introduced to boxing as a way to confront her fears, stand up for herself, and own her own space. Split between Lily’s perspective and her mother, Bernadette’s, thoughts and feelings, it’s easy to become swept away with Lily’s journey from victimhood to learning to take charge of her life, and discovering her voice. An emotionally taxing read, Lily’s journey feels as refreshingly authentic as it is frustrating.

ADULT INFLUENCES From our personal expectations to our world view, the adults around us shape us more than we might realise. Throughout Gloves Off, we see how Lily’s life, experiences, and expectations, have been affected by those around her. From her distinctly working-class background and the unsafe estate in which she lives, we see how the pressure to succeed can be as stifling as it can be a source of strength. While Lily’s relationships with her mother, who shares many of the same weight and confidence struggles, and her father – a supportive

and loving, if albeit at times absent, figure – create a complex, often thought-provoking backdrop, it is Lily’s school life that is one of the most frustrating aspects of her story. Highlighting the failings of over-worked, under-experienced young teachers, it feels like Lily is being failed by a system that should be there to make everyone feel safe and included. While Lily seems able to brush off the failings of her teachers, as a reader, I was left feeling frustrated and angry on her behalf. And this, in many ways, is how the author succeeds in creating such a believable, and heart-

wrenching story; we see genuine human failings, rather than easily dismissable villains or malicious intentions from those around her.

SHOULD I BUY IT? Yes. If, like me, you’re unfamiliar with fiction written in poetic verse, it can take a little while to get used to the format, however it’s easy to become lost in the rhythm and authenticity of Lily and Bernadette’s voices. The stylistic choices help readers to feel more connected with Lily in particular, and her thoughts and feelings as you experience each twist and turn along with her.

For teen and young adult readers, getting a glimpse into Lily’s mother’s perspective offers a truly unique take. Highlighting the delicate balance between how parents can teach and guide us, and how they risk passing on their own insecurities and fears to their children, it feels like both parents and teens alike can each get something different, yet equally as valuable, from reading Gloves Off. Offering a stark reminder of how cruel teens can be, Gloves Off is not only a must-read for teens who have experienced bullying themselves,

but is an important narrative for all of us. Intrinsically, we want to fit in – we want to be liked. Gloves Off reminds us that using cruel words – or turning away when we see behaviour that we know isn’t right – can have a significant impact, perhaps just as much as that of those who are actively, overtly bullying others. Touching on so many important subjects, from self-loathing to suicidal thoughts, friendship to social isolation, fat-shaming to building selfesteem, Gloves Off is simply a must-read, no matter your age.

If you liked this, you’ll love... No Big Deal by Bethany Rutter Emily knows she’s smart, funny, awesome – and fat. She doesn’t need anyone else to tell her these things; she likes herself and her body – it’s time everyone else caught up.

What If by Anna Russell Written in poetic verse, Russell’s latest novel explores mental health, OCD, and the impact our struggles can have on friends and family.

Must Reads Being Miss Nobody by Tasmin Winter

Rosalind hates her new school, and is an easy target. Creating a new blog, Miss Nobody, Rosalind finds a place to speak up. But has Miss Nobody become a bully herself?

To find out more about spotting the signs of bullying, and advice for teachers, parents and employers, visit counsellingdirectory.org.uk

Gloves Off by Louisa Reid Paperback available from 5 March 2020 (Guppy Books, £7.99) Great for… • Teens looking to see the wider impact of bullying • Parents with teens • Anyone who has struggled with their weight, selfconfidence, or bullying

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Acupuncture

Getting to the point

It’s thought to have been around for more than 5,000 years, and today it’s used alongside standard treatments as an alternative therapy that promises to be the solution to a number of complaints, from chronic pain to mood control. So what can you expect from an acupuncture appointment? Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler took to the treatment chair to find out

or me, acupuncture is the Big Foot of alternative therapies. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who’s tried it, and there are plenty of myths and unanswered questions that surround it. Does it hurt? How can having needles systematically tapped into your skin be relaxing? And, vitally, does it work? Acupuncture is used as a complementary therapy to soothe complaints about everything from muscle and body pain, to stress, anxiety and depression. Using very fine needles that are tucked under the skin at specific points on the body, the practice is based on traditional Chinese medicine which believes that life energy flows through us. It’s thought that this energy can get stuck or blocked, causing pain or low mood, but that it can be relieved by the needles, restoring our balance. While some modern practitioners embrace this traditional belief, many now work alongside Western medical practices, viewing it as a

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

means of tapping into neurological systems, and a way to complement formal diagnoses and treatments. Eager to find out more, I headed to therapist Toni Hennings, at Crowthorne Health, to try acupuncture for myself. I’ll admit, before I arrived, I was feeling apprehensive. I don’t have a fear of needles, as such, though the thought of what was about to happen did make me a little nervous. But my fears were soon put to bed. To begin the session, we sat down to chat about my medical history. Of the 90-minute appointment, this took up the bulk of the time as Toni meticulously worked through everything from childhood illnesses, to my general lifestyle – reassuring me that no stone would be left unturned, and that the treatment would be tailored to my specific needs. I got undressed and lay face down on a massage table, as Toni began to gently press up and down my back, either side of my spine, feeling for where to insert the needles. She told me to take a deep breath in,

Try this at home While it’s not a good idea to experiment with acupuncture on yourself, you can try pushing certain pressure points with your fingers to relieve stress and anxiety. Feeling worked up or overwhelmed? Run your finger down your pinkie and into your wrist crease, keeping it in line with your little finger. Pressing firmly on this point is thought to alleviate anxiety and help to regulate your emotions. and then on the out-breath, she tapped in the first needle. To say I didn’t feel anything would be a lie... I did feel the needle go in, and as she worked down my back, some areas were more sensitive than others. It was a small prick, like you may expect, but there was no pain once they were in place – and as she left me with the needles in my back for a few minutes, I soon forgot they were there, and began to feel calm and relaxed. After a short time, Toni removed the needles, and I slowly got up to

sit back on the table. Moving on to target points specifically chosen to ease stress and anxiety, she put two needles in my knees and in my wrists. Now, honestly, these points tested my cringe-factor. It’s not every day that you spend a morning sitting with needles in your soft spots, but I closed my eyes and breathed through the taps, soon settling back into the calm place I was before. Following the session, we reflected on how the treatment went, discussing how acupuncture could be used long-term to manage mood – and touching on how, often, people who come for a physical problem will find the wellness benefits are just as powerful. For me, I left feeling energised and intrigued about the potential that acupuncture has to be an effective treatment across so many different areas. And that night I slept soundly straight through to my alarm, something Toni had predicted would happen. If you have any hang-ups about whether the treatment will be painful, let me put your mind at ease – you may feel a small prick, but make sure to breathe through the insertion and you will be fine. For those uncomfortable with needles, you probably don’t need me to say that this may not be the treatment for you. But with a relaxed mindset, and good communication with your therapist, acupuncture can be a great complementary therapy that gets straight to the point of your concerns. Visit crowthornehealth.co.uk to find out more, or head to therapy-directory.org.uk to discover therapists in your area.

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Why is getting anxiety medication so anxiety inducing? When you live with anxiety, certain tasks can feel overwhelming – none more so than booking an appointment with your doctor for support Writing | Kat Nicholls

tanding in front of my wardrobe, looking at what clothes I should pack for a weekend away, I started to cry. My anxiety was at its worst; the simplest of tasks felt impossible. When you have anxiety, your thinking gets very fast and your brain works overtime. Your body reacts accordingly – cue symptoms like chest pain, nausea and dizziness – putting you in a constant state of fight or flight. This can leave very little headspace for decision-making and carrying out simple tasks. It’s no wonder that, for many of us living with anxiety, life admin

often falls to the bottom of our to-do list. This can be even more pertinent when it comes to tasks involving our anxiety, such as booking a doctor’s appointment, or getting repeat prescriptions.

Before we can get the help we need, we often need to overcome obstacles. Some of these are in our mind, and some are very much in the real world. But whatever obstacles you are facing, there are ways to leapfrog them, and get the support you need. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 73

THE OBSTACLE: TALKING TO A DOCTOR “With mental health conditions that aren’t always visible, like anxiety, people can worry that others – including their doctor – won’t believe them,” counsellor Sarah Lane explains. “Sometimes clients are socially anxious, and seeing an authority figure, such as their GP, might be challenging for them, as they fear being judged.” Sadly the fear of not being believed can, in some cases, come from experience. Jessica Pardoe tells me how she was affected when the first doctor she visited about panic attacks dismissed her. “It caused me to totally resent the idea of talking to a medical professional about the way I was feeling again for some time. Every time I went to the GP I considered bringing it up, but had that usual twang of anxiety that stopped me from doing so.” With encouragement from her boyfriend, Jessica was able to go to a different doctor and received the support and medication she needed. The experience does still come up in her mind, however, when she goes for check-ups. “I’d love it if initiatives could be introduced to help curb the anxiousness that doctor’s surgeries and pharmacies bring about. Perhaps less intimidating decor, or finding a new way to book in patients for appointments without them having to state what they're visiting for – which, if you live with anxiety, is awful.” HOW TO OVERCOME IT First of all, remember that you deserve to be heard. If you have

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a bad experience, or aren’t comfortable speaking to a certain doctor, you can request to talk to another. If you’re worried about leaving the house, or being at the doctor’s surgery itself, ask your doctor if they offer telephone assessments, or home visits. If they can’t, they may be able to recommend a quieter time for you to book an appointment. It can help to have someone attend your appointment with you for support, and some GP practices also allow other people to book appointments for you. If talking about your mental health worries you, Sarah encourages you to remember the facts: “Anxiety is very common; a high percentage of your doctor’s patients will also have anxiety, so they are likely to understand what you’re experiencing and how it might be affecting you.” THE OBSTACLE: GETTING APPOINTMENTS AND PRESCRIPTIONS According to GPonline, nearly three quarters of GPs in the UK reported a rise in appointments over the past year in their practice. With more appointments and not enough doctors to help, delays in getting appointments

If you’re unhappy with the service you’re receiving, you can make a complaint. You can do this directly, following the surgery’s complaints procedure, which should be available on their website. If the problem isn’t resolved, you can complain to the NHS Commissioning Board, email: contactus@nhs.net or call 0300 311 22 33. and medication are sometimes inevitable. “The biggest problem with getting medication for anxiety is actually booking to see a doctor,” Ben Taylor tells me.

What matters is that you are able to access any healthcare treatment that you need “Both myself and my sister got knocked back because the nurses at our practice can’t talk about mental health issues. So you build yourself up to go, and end up leaving empty handed and told to book again with someone else... which you don’t.” In 2019, changes in legislation allowed advanced paramedics to prescribe medication, and Ben says this has made a real difference in his area. Having said this, it’s clear that availability and waiting times for appointments are ongoing issues. HOW TO OVERCOME IT The best approach here is to get familiar with your doctor’s surgery, and do your homework. Find out the best ways to book an appointment and ask about typical waiting times. Apps like Patient Access and MyGP may also be able to help. These allow you to book appointments, pharmacy services, and access medical content easily. Speak to your doctors about the booking services that they’re supported by. THE OBSTACLE: REMEMBERING TO ORDER REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS When you first start taking a new medication, you’ll need to have regular appointments with your doctor to ensure it’s

helping you. While this can feel stressful, we all react differently to medication and it’s important to be monitored initially. You may need adjustments to ensure what you’re taking is working as well as possible. For Dan Francis, getting past this point to a place where he could order repeat prescriptions made things easier. However, he found it tricky to remember to order medication before he ran out. “The main way to get medication when this happens is to contact the doctor’s practice and request an emergency prescription, but this can take up to five days to be ready. “For a few months I was limited to a two-week supply as I was forced to see a doctor for a check-up... even though the next appointment I could book was in a month’s time. This meant I had to keep putting in emergency prescriptions to the doctor’s practice just so I could have enough to keep me going.” HOW TO OVERCOME IT For Dan, help came in the form of technical assistance. He was able to use the Patient Access app to order repeat prescriptions to be delivered to his local pharmacy and used calendar reminders to prompt him. “Setting reminders in my calendar in advance so I knew when to order my next

prescription really helped take the pressure off worrying about forgetting it.” There are several services available to help you order repeat prescriptions easily, including Healthera, Well, and Echo Pharmacy. Speak to your doctor and find out which services are available in your area. Finally, when it comes to both booking appointments and getting prescriptions, Sarah advises us to not put them off. “When we avoid things, although it makes us feel better in the short term, in the longer term it tends to increase our anxiety. Try to put aside worries about what other people – GPs, receptionists, pharmacists, assistants – think of you. What really matters is that you are able to access any healthcare treatment that you need.” Keeping up with appointments and taking any prescribed medication is, ultimately, a form of self-care. Try to see it in this way, and lean on the support of loved ones, and even apps, when you need to.

Learn more about Sarah Lane’s work and find support for anxiety at counselling-directory.org.uk

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P U A K PUK Romance isn’t dead – it’s just not always as easy as it once was. We delve into the secrets to a long-lasting relationship with the digital parenting superstar duo, Mother and Papa Pukka, who reveal their top tips to rediscover your long-term love... Writing | Gemma Calvert

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During the hard times, Anna, 38, credits her hubby – fellow journalist Matt Farquharson, 43 – with being her rock. She recalls with heartbreaking clarity when she first miscarried in A&E. “Matt just held me and that was the point where we got married – not the day I was worried about favours, the live band, and 5,000 Scrabble tiles spelling out our guests’ names,’ she says. “We got married in a hospital ward during one of the darkest moments we’ve experienced together.” But by the beginning of last year, Anna and Matt’s solidity had weakened. Confused by the seemingly gaping chasm between “I do” and “The End”, and tired of daily frustrations with each other, the couple became disillusioned by marriage.

“It’s easy to cruise along and think ‘everything’s fine’, but you let little disappointments go, and ignore things that should be dealt with – that shortness with your partner, that sarkiness about mundane nonsense, starts to build and affect someone,” explains Matt, aka Papa Pukka, whose hilarious take on fatherhood has turned him and Anna into digital parenting royalty. Anna agrees. “It was never one thing, it was an amalgamation of things that were chipping away at our happiness, and wearing down on what was once a really shiny thing,” she says, adding that

Photography | Emily Gray

hen does the gloss dull on a shiny, happy marriage? For author, presenter and journalist Anna Whitehouse, it was precisely eight years and two children after saying “I do” – the moment she discovered one of her husband’s jagged toenail clippings in her cosmetics bag. “That was the straw that broke the camel’s back,” admits Anna, whose filter-free parenting blog, Mother Pukka, has become a go-to for frazzled parents. Over the past six years, Anna has “cracked open the very real issues” of her life, sharing her innermost feelings with her 241,000 Instagram followers, about everything from five miscarriages, PTSD, anxiety and postnatal depression, to working in pyjamas, getting “spangled” with her mum on a rare night out, and swimming with two kids (FYI don’t do it).

Anna and Matt’s Flex Appeal campaign for flexible working for parents, has helped get a bill read in parliament. They are striving to change attitudes about a ‘one-size-fits-all’ worklife, and to think about individual needs instead

Images | Instagram @mother_pukka

Matt just held me and that was the point where we got married – not the day I was worried about 5,000 Scrabble tiles spelling out our guests’ names. We got married in a hospital ward during one of the darkest moments we’ve experienced such issues were compounded by “exhaustion, postnatal depression, redundancy, the weight of finances and admin”. All of this led Anna to one place – hunting for an escape route. “I’ve said to Matt a couple of times ‘Maybe I should just f**k off,’” she confesses. ‘You get to the point where you wonder ‘Is this it?’ and ‘If this is it, do I want this?’” To find answers, Anna and Matt committed not to a divorce, but to writing a book “separately but together”. They agreed on nine topics, from going it alone to porn, and then wrote down their deepest thoughts while interviewing

experts including residents of a love commune, monks, and their own parents. They only read each other’s contributions before penning the final chapter. The process, says Anna, “nearly broke us, then mended us again”. “One psychiatrist said ‘being married or in a long-term relationship is about as close as you can get to being in therapy without being in therapy’ because the other person is this mirror, reflecting back to you your very best and worst traits,” says Matt, who believes the process helped them reframe the meaning of the “elusive” happily-ever-after by

getting real about the dynamics of a modern-day relationship. “It’s taught me patience and a rediscovered mutual respect. We’ve now worked out what the next stage is, and that it can be just as happy if not happier.” But Anna and Matt, whose 2017 book Parenting The S*** Out Of Life became a Sunday Times bestseller, refute the suggestion that they are now bonafide relationship gurus. “We’re just two exhausted people who found divorce one administrative thing too many,” laughs Anna. “Matt and I are still on a journey… but I haven’t told him I want to f**k off for a very long time!” >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 77

A K K U P E TH RO UT E TO HA PP ILY R E T F A R E EV

1 EMBRACE THE MUNDANE “Realise that the mundane is the happy ever after, that the banal cheese and pickle sandwich, and a cheeky bum squeeze by the fridge, are the things to celebrate, not big romantic dinners where there’s so much pressure to have the perfect date,” advises Anna. “Stop chasing what Google wants you to find, what Getty Images are telling you love looks like. Stop looking for that Disney happy ever after.”

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2 CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY “It’s easy to stop trying when you’ve been with someone for a while,” admits Matt. “It’s worth stopping to think: ‘If I was to give my best self to this person, what would that look like, and what would I be doing?’” “Be vocal about your needs,” adds Anna. “I recently said to Matt, ‘I just need you to ask me sometimes, ‘How was your day?

How are you? Who are you?’ We have lost each other so very much in the last few years, because we haven’t checked in enough in this pursuit of the bigger, the better, the faster, the richer.” 3 STRIKE A BALANCE BETWEEN BEING SUPPORTIVE AND OVER-DEPENDENT “One of the things we learned is the huge value in being able to bugger off and be by yourself,” says Matt. “Everyone needs a little bit of time in their own head and you don’t often get that, especially in a family set-up. Creating a bit of space purely for you, whether through exercise, going to a museum or watching a film, is incredibly important for helping you appreciate the time you do have with your partner.” 4 FIND YOUR ‘SOMETHING' “When one person feels like they’ve lost themselves, maybe after giving up their career, there’s often a sense of ‘who am I now?’ For a healthy relationship with yourself and with your partner, you have to have that something,” says Anna. “The minute I stopped putting heavy expectations on other humans in my life to fix me and make me happy was when – through writing this book – I found happiness. It was such a simple shift.” 5 WORSHIP YOUR PARTNER AS MUCH AS THE KIDS “A psychiatrist I spoke to said problems creep into relationships when parents worship their children in a way that they don’t any more worship their partner,” explains Matt. “What kids need to

As part of the Flex Appeal campaign, which supports parents, carers, creatives, and anyone for whom the standard nine to five isn’t suitable, Anna and Matt organised a flash mob dance in Trafalgar Square

see is a loving, mutually respectful relationship between whoever is raising them. It’s easy for people to overlook that, and I’ve definitely realised I need to make my best effort with Anna as much as I do with our kids.” 6 GET PHYSICAL “On a really primal level, the more you have sex, the more you want to have sex, the more you feel connected, and the healthier and happier you are. The physical side can just be contact – a hug or a fruity WhatsApp message,” says Anna. “That said, the other day I messaged Matt to say ‘let’s get it on tonight’ then by the evening I was really tired, I’d dealt with a doctor’s appointment over a potential bunion, and I wasn’t there! Actually, what mattered was that contact, a hug, and recognising that those little moments build up to a bigger picture.”

7 TREASURE THE TOUGH TIMES “Recognise that tears can be just as good as laughter,” insists Anna. “If you Google romance and love, you’ll see pictures of sunsets and cocktails on holiday in warm weather with a very heteronormative couple holding hands. The images should be those when you’re in a million pieces, sobbing on the floor with mascara running down your face, unable to find a way out of the door through anxiety, or postnatal depression, or post-miscarriage trauma, and your partner is there lifting you up, holding you up as you sob, saying ‘It’s sh*t and I’m here.’” 8 BE CONTENT WITH THE NOW “The desire to get on and do better is part of the reason people end up having affairs,” warns Matt. “People remember the great relationship they had with their partner in their 20s, then 15 years

later, with kids and a mortgage, hanker after that with someone else. Marriage vows say ‘for richer, for poorer’, but ‘the poorer’ is more important. Tackle that. Money isn’t going to buy the joy that you’re seeking.”

‘Where’s My Happy Ending?’ by Anna Whitehouse and Matt Farquharson is available now (Bluebird, £14.99)

March 2020 • happiful.com • 79

Small changes to feel

P OW E R F U L

We all have days when we feel out of our depth and like we’ve lost control. Here are five small changes you can make to get back on top. It’s your time to shine Writing | Ellen Hoggard Illustrating | Rosan Magar

e live in a ‘switched on’ world where we pride ourselves on being busy. We work hard, maintaining social lives and

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relationships, while also striving to be the best version of ourselves. But sometimes, this constant state of busyness can leave us feeling downand-out. Naturally, we hit a point of

exhaustion, and when things feel out of our control, we typically fall back and surrender. But there are ways you can reignite your energy levels and

get your power back. Lifestyle changes and maintenance – regular movement, healthy eating and time for yourself – are key in looking after both your physical and mental health, and we know that. However, there are some tricks you may not know that can jump-start the ignition. Small changes you can make to feel powerful, whether it’s planning your week ahead, or sneaking into a room five minutes before a meeting to flex your favourite power pose. Ready?

jobs that are important, but not urgent. Then, mark the things that someone else can do, or are low priority. On a new piece of paper, write the top three things you need (and want) to get done. Forget all the little jobs and things that are holding you back. You now have your list for the day (or week) – try to stick to it. Giving yourself this time to complete your priority tasks will leave you feeling much better – and totally in control.

1 RECOGNISE THE PROBLEM

When you’re feeling stressed, it can take a lot of energy to actually get out of bed and dressed. But trust me, putting on your favourite outfit – one that makes you feel like you can do anything – is a quick trick that can really put a pep in your step. When you’re wearing what makes you feel good, you naturally hold your head higher. And by being open and standing tall, you allow air into your lungs. You relax your shoulders and float with ease. Sometimes, it’s as simple as pushing your shoulders back and taking a deep breath.

If there’s something specific grinding your gears, acknowledge it. Are you feeling overwhelmed by your ever-growing to-do list? Have you got a month full of social plans, but really, all you want is a night in your pyjamas and a takeaway pizza? Has a loved one or colleague annoyed you, and you can’t seem to get it out of your head? Whatever it is that’s winding you up, acknowledge it. Shout it from the rooftops. Get in your car and scream. Let out a loud sigh, dropping your shoulders as you release the breath. Sometimes, it’s letting go of your frustrations in a physical way that can immediately give you a sense of relief.

2 MAKE A LIST Write down the things you need to do – or think you need to do. If you have a million things going round in your head, you’re never going to be able to focus and do them all to your best ability. Write everything down and then, be ruthless. What do you absolutely need to do? Mark the tasks. Next, mark the

3 GET DRESSED

4 TREAT YOURSELF This may be as small as picking up a coffee on the way to work, or arranging a night out (or night in) with your loved ones and a delicious meal. It’s easy to get bogged down with the negative stuff and forget to spend time on yourself. A simple but effective change can be your attitude. There’s nothing wrong with throwing your hands up and proclaiming, f**k it! Forget

Get in the stance that for you, reflects true power, and soon you’ll be oozing strength and confidence those little worries that you can’t do anything about. Often in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter. Book some time away. Take a day off to do what you want. Leave the guilt behind.

5 FIND YOUR POWER POSE For an instant boost in energy, confidence and power, you need to find your power pose. Brought to public attention by psychologist Amy Cuddy, whose TedTalk has now garnered more than 55 million views, power posing is a technique in which you adopt a stance you associate with power, in the hope of “feeling and behaving more assertively”. It may sound silly, but for many people, taking five minutes before a big presentation to take a deep breath, and stand in a position that represents power, can instantly lift your mood and clear doubts. It doesn’t have to be applied only at work either; if you’re going on a date, or doing something that makes you feel a little nervous, channel your inner power muse (think, what would Beyoncé do?). Get in the stance that for you, reflects true power, and soon you’ll be oozing strength and confidence, and going about your day with ease. March 2020 • happiful.com • 81

£57

£40 R CODE: ENTER

A PCHIEM P CKOUT HA E AT TH

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First two copies + postage & packaging = FREE On an annual subscription using code HAPPIMAR at shop.happiful.com Includes postage and packaging (mainland UK). Prices and beneﬁts are correct at the time of printing, using code

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Konnie Huq:

An exact science What did you want to be when you grew up? A police officer? A teacher? An analytical textile technologist? The world of science can often feel mysterious, but author and ex-Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq is on a mission to open up the world of STEM to the next generation. Here, we speak about the pressure to conform, the importance of visibility, and her debut children’s book, Cookie… and the Most Annoying Boy in the World Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I Photoraphy | Ed Miller

“

t was a different time,” Konnie Huq says, as she reflects on her childhood, and the ways it compares to those of children in 2020. “We used to play out all day in the holidays, we’d be on our bikes and just come in to eat.” Today’s children have a lot to contend with, from tackling the technology problem (Is it good? Is it bad? When is enough, enough?), to an ever increasing pressure to perform at school – and, of course, the age-old question: what am I going to be when I grow up? >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 83

When I was growing up, going into TV as an Asian wasn’t necessarily something I thought was actually a possibility “I was going to be an engineer,” says Konnie. “I did physics, chemistry, maths, and further maths A-levels. My parents came over from Bangladesh in the 1960s with dreams of their kids being scientists, engineers, doctors, accountants, and mathematicians – because those were revered professions.” In the end, Konnie took another course, stepping into the limelight when she first appeared on our screens in 1994, presenting a Saturday morning children’s TV show on GMTV, before going on to be Blue Peter’s longest-serving female presenter, from 1997–2007. Though, she notes that this wasn’t something she did, or even realised she could, aspire to as a child. “When I was growing up, going into TV as an Asian wasn’t necessarily something I thought was a possibility because I didn’t see any others,” she says. “And actually I sort of fell into my job. I went to open auditions for TV presenters, but not with a view to getting a job as a TV presenter, just for a fun day out.” “I remember hearing a lady’s voice on the radio when I was really young and thinking, ‘I didn’t realise women can do radio DJing as well.’ So it’s only what you’re used to that you see as a possibility.”

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There are so many forces at play when it comes to predicting how our lives will pan out. Wealth, ethnicity, disability, geographical location, and many more variables all come together to affect the choices that we make. So often, the first step to breaking down these invisible barriers is visibility – seeing people who look, sound, and think like you, doing the things you aspire to be. “My role model, though I don’t know if I had her when I was a kid, is Ada Lovelace,” Konnie says. “She’s the epitome of a woman scientist. She foresaw that computers had the ability to make music, pictures, and all the things they do today. Though I don’t know that I discovered her when I was at school, because she wasn’t celebrated as much as all the men you hear about.” These days, we’re taking the time to retrospectively celebrate the women who may not have got the credit they deserved in their time. But the current gender divide in who’s going into STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) subjects and industries is something worth talking about. Girls make up just 35% of students taking STEM subjects at school and in higher education, and just 22% of the industry workforce. Undeniably, there’s something at play here, and this issue is at the heart of Konnie’s debut children’s book series Cookie. A sassy, determined girl, Cookie’s love for science takes her down a path of hilarity and the occasional sticky situation (think classroom lemonade bottle experiments gone explosively wrong). Konnie

describes the series – the second of which she is currently writing – as ‘stealth woke’, subtly expanding readers’ experiences of different people, and weaving in lessons on all kinds of systems, from solar to social. “For instance, Cookie is from an ethnic minority family. She’s Muslim. Her best friend has two dads,” Konnie explains. “It’s the minorities that make up the majority, and the majority is more interesting for the variety. That’s what inclusivity and diversity are about. “So I’ve got a lot of that in the book, but instead of shoving it down people’s throats it’s secondary,” she continues. “It doesn’t affect the plot that Cookie is Muslim, or that Cookie is from Bangladesh. It’s nothing to do with it. It’s like you’re saying if a character has green eyes. We’re all defined by so many things.” But breaking free of the messages that tell us to blend in with everyone else, and celebrating who we are, isn’t always easy – and Konnie notes that the early years of her career were full of pressure to “conform” to a certain standard. “When I was in my 20s, I was more easily led by other people,” Konnie says. “I was never really into fashion, but for work I was told that I had to be into fashion. I do think that when you’re in this industry you have to play the game. You have to toe the line.” For Konnie, a lesson that she’s learned over time is that happiness can be found in the simple things in life – with the people you surround yourself with, and the things that you choose to prioritise.

‘Cookie! and the Most Annoying Boy in the World’ by Konnie Huq is available now (Piccadilly Press, £6.99)

“When you find friends who you really like and who you really get on with, that’s kind of all you need,” she says. “I can go have a laugh with them or chat to them, and I come back thinking, ‘That was priceless.’ Happiness comes from within, it comes from helping each other.” At a time when questions about consumerism, technology, and the future of the planet, are all weighing heavily on our minds, it can be easy to take the dimmer outlook. But perhaps by turning our focus on to the people who matter most to us, while simultaneously broadening our horizons and embracing the limitlessness of our abilities, we can begin to make the difference that we want to see in the world around us. As for Konnie, is she hopeful for the future? “Just look how amazing young children are,” she says. “Yes, I am. I am, definitely.”

March 2020 • happiful.com • 85

Is mental health on your company agenda? We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider at work, Happiful can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain the benefits to your boss

Dear <<Boss/HR Manager>>, I'd like to become a mental health first aider for <<your company name>> and I'm hoping you can help. Here are some of the reasons why <<your company name>> will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our employees: 1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental health, and break the stigma in the office and in society. 2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early intervention means faster recovery. 3. Empower people with a long-term mental health issue or disability to thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation in the Equality Act 2010. 4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive and become more productive. 5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation, where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are supported as equal parts of the whole person. 6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda, and improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.

Happiful offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a minimum of eight attendees. Yours sincerely, <<a future mental health first aider>>

To register your company’s interest or to book an individual place, visit training.happiful.com or drop us an email at training@happiful.com

Did you know that stress, anxiety, and depression are the biggest causes of sickness absence in our society? Mental ill-health is currently responsible for 91 million working days lost each year. The cost to UK employers is £34.9 billion each year.* Happiful has partnered with Simpila Healthy Solutions to oﬀer internationally recognised courses and training events in the UK. Each course is delivered by an accredited Mental Health First Aid England instructor and is delivered in a safe, evidence-based programme. *Source: MHFA England

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TRUE LIFE

A voice of understanding

After years of hiding his pain and depression, Henry found himself at breaking point. But the connection and trust with a special therapist, and his own passion for music, opened him up to the possibility of a brighter future – one which he embraced whole-heartedly Writing | Henry Grace

Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat

hen I was 18, I was diagnosed with depression. It was 2010, and I had just finished high school. But instead of celebrating with my friends, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in London. The truth is that it was a relief. For so many years, I’d covered up my depression and, to some extent, hidden it pretty well from even myself. I never told anyone about the pain I was in, the selfharming, or that I almost took my own life when I was 16. It probably seems strange that I was unaware I needed help. But mental health was just never a conversation at home or at school. And so when the truth finally came out, I

hoped that life would get a little better. But after three years of therapy, and a few stints in psychiatric hospitals, my condition had only worsened. I’d been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, and was put on a cocktail of drugs that left me comatose half of the time. I felt completely hopeless and often contemplated suicide. The few things that brought me any real happiness during this time were my family, friends, and writing music. I count myself incredibly lucky to have not only lived a life surrounded by wonderful people, but also to have found a passion so early on that has always found a way of guiding me. Music has helped shape me as a

person and, in many ways, defined my life so far. But by the time I turned 21, life had pretty much unravelled. I could no longer maintain relationships, couldn’t get a job, or even get through the day without having a panic attack. I had overdosed twice, dropped out of university, and stopped writing music. With nowhere else to go, I moved back home to my parents’ farm in rural Oxfordshire and, after only a week or two, found myself contemplating suicide again. Suicide is a really complex topic. It totally devastates everything it touches but, for so many who feel like they can no longer cope, it often seems like the only way out. For me, life had

become unbearable. I had, quite literally, lost the will to live and so, one summer evening, I walked out the door of our farm and tried to end my life. A few days later, I woke up to find myself in a hospital hooked up to multiple machines. I can remember closing my eyes tightly and feeling devastated that I had survived. When doctors told me that there were no available beds in any of the NHS psychiatric hospitals across the UK, my family organised for me to go to a rehab in Arizona. Two days later, I found myself boarding a plane to America. I arrived in Arizona a completely broken man. But it didn’t take long for me to find my feet. >>> March 2020 • happiful.com • 87

Photogrphy | (Right) Isabella Clegg

Henry performing at Bush Hall, fundraising for Young Minds, in 2019

For me, life had become unbearable On my second day, I met my therapist. He told me his life story – how he’d lived through gang warfare, abuse, addiction and depression, and how he’d transformed his life to eventually become the man sitting across from me. It blew me away. No therapist had ever told me anything personal before. But before I even had a chance to catch my breath, he was asking to hear my story. And so I spilled my whole life out before him. He listened and somehow made me feel completely comfortable. It was as if, for the very first time, I

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was telling my story to someone who actually understood. When I finished, there was a brief silence between us as I watched the wheels in his mind turn, before he asked plainly: “What would your life look like, if it wasn’t like this?” I told him I had no idea. He nodded in agreement, looked me dead in the eye, and asked: “Do you want to change?” The question took me by surprise. Not because it was so direct, but because no one had ever asked it before. Usually therapists took these moments to just tell me what they

thought was wrong with me, and that I needed to do this or that to cope. But here was a man simply asking me if I wanted to change, and asking in such a way that made change almost seem possible. Hope started to swell inside me, and suddenly, with more honesty and integrity than I had ever had before, simply said “Yes.” At that moment I realised that I had the power to build the life of my dreams. And so I admitted to myself that, through no fault of my own, I had gotten myself into this mess. Events had happened in my life that I’d had no

control over, and no idea how to deal with. I’d become accustomed to being my own worst enemy, and had grown to see the world not for what it was, but for what I perceived it to be. By taking ownership of my depression, I suddenly had power over it. With every day that passed, I worked on changing my way of life, my beliefs, my actions, my views – both of the world and of myself. I was reclaiming my existence, and it was the most incredible feeling. To achieve something you want in life, I think you require three things. You

Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat

Here was a man simply asking me if I wanted to change, and asking in such a way that made change almost seem possible

have to believe in yourself, you have to work hard, and you need a bit of luck. I was lucky to go to Arizona, I was lucky to meet the right people at the right time, and I worked harder than I ever thought possible, but, more than anything, I believed in myself. And that’s what it took for me to beat nearly a decade of living with depression. I don’t have all the answers, and life still grinds me down at times, but I really wouldn’t change a thing, because my past, however hard it was at times, has made me who I am today. I truly believe that hope is

everything, so I never let go of it. Instead of returning home to England from Arizona, I moved to Los Angeles, acquired a visa, enrolled myself in a small college, and started a music career. I met people who helped me in more ways than I can ever possibly explain. But what I am most grateful for, above all else, is that they encouraged me to start taking my music seriously. During my five years in California, I released two EPs, had my music played on the radio, picked up endorsements, and, in 2016, moved to

San Francisco after being accepted to study at the University of California, Berkeley. I graduated last year with a degree in English Literature, and moved back home to England, where I now work as a musician and a mental health advocate for young people. I have toured the country, gone on air with the BBC to talk about mental health, and curated shows that raise awareness and money for mental health charities. Advocating for mental health was never an intention of mine at the beginning, and I certainly never imagined that I would now be trying to help people on a daily basis. But, in the end, I became so inspired by those who shared their stories, and by the countless people who devote their lives to helping others, that it only seemed right to share mine in the

hope it can help someone, somewhere, believe in themselves again.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Henry’s experience is truly inspirational, having overcome such adversity, to now being in a position where he is helping others and shining the light for positive change. His journey did not come without it’s struggles. After multiple attempts to end his life, Henry found invaluable support from his therapist that changed his life forever. The role that music has played is also key for Henry. Connecting with an activity we enjoy is vital to maintaining our wellbeing, and provided Henry with a flourishing self-belief. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

March 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters After suffering severe burns as a child, Sylvia Mac founded her campaign and support network, Love Disfigure, in the hopes of reaching others with skin disfigurements. Here, she shares personal milestones, and the things she’s learned along the way

When I need support I… talk to family members to get their advice, but more importantly get their hugs and love.

Photography | Kaye Ford

Mental health matters to me because… I suffered for years with severe depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem due to the scars on my body. Learning about my mental wellbeing has certainly helped me become the survivor, or thriver, I am today.

The best lesson I’ve learned in life is… always accept a compliment. All too often, we deflect positive messages such as, ‘You look great!’ We reply, ‘Oh no, not me.’ Replying with a simple ‘thank you’ not only makes you feel good about yourself, but it should also help keep that positive mindset.

When I’m lacking motivation I... take ‘time out’ and switch off from everything. Sometimes I turn off my phone and relax in a calm environment – a bath or swimming pool – or pop to the gym and listen to high-energy music until I’m back on track.

When I need some self-care, I… recover by resting and spending alone time, or have spa treatments with my daughters. Reading positive books on selfcare always helps. Sometimes you’re pulled from all different directions, but I know how to deal with this by knowing my self-worth.

The moment I felt most proud of myself was... when I received my Point of Light award from Theresa May. The certificate came through the post with ‘10 Downing Street’ marked on the envelope and I couldn’t stop reading it over and over. It was definitely one of my biggest and proudest moments.

One thing that being a burn survivor has taught me about myself is... just how strong I am emotionally, physically, and mentally. I count myself as a thriver, which is third in line after ‘victim’ and ‘survivor’. I no longer have ‘down days’ worrying about what people will think about me and my scars. It’s truly amazing.

My biggest tip for self-love is… remind yourself every day just how beautiful you are. Look in the mirror and repeat: ‘I am beautiful, I am worthy’. Keep hold of that positive mindset and carry it throughout the day.

The main thing I want people to know about dealing with disfigurement is... no matter where your skin differences are on your body, it still affects many people mentally as well as physically.

Visit lovedisfigure.com for more. Sylvia Mac will be speaking on ‘Finding Your Confidence – Inside and Out’ at Live Well London (28 February to 1 March). Visit livewelllondon.com for tickets.

Photography | Joelvalve

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Dance is the hidden language of the soul

– MARTHA GRAHAM December 2018 • happiful • 91

UPLIFTING NEWS IN YOUR HANDS

The Happiful App

Happiful App is a product from the Happiful family, which includes: Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource and Therapy Directory. Helping you find the help you need.

Happiful March 2020

Articles inside

Mental health matters

A voice of understanding

Konnie Huq: An exact science

Small changes to feel POWERFUL

PUKKA-UP PUKKA-UP

Why is getting anxiety medication so anxiety inducing?

Acupuncture: Getting to the point

Gloves Off

10 nutrition myths debunked

Beliisimo! Pasta recipes to make you weak at the knees

How to de-stress in five simple steps

Finally free to be me

How to stop resentment building in your relationship

Wellbeing – fact or fiction?

How acrylic nails helped me beat my hair-pulling disorder

How to deal with the “How's work?" question

Learning to choose me

Mindful Crafting

AN OPEN BOOK

Ask the experts

Mental health and diet culture… with Grace

Moving on Up

How to ask for what you need in a relationship

Head over heels

What is echoism?

Parrots prove sharing is caring

Loosen your tie – work is getting more casual

‘Close-knit’ community brings pride and purpose to residents

Photographer proves boys can have a royally good time, too!