IELTS WRITING MrBi's IELTS Overall ESSAY COMPARISON

IELTS WRITING MrBi’s IELTS Overall ESSAY COMPARISON This is my essay on an interesting topic – Music. You can find the sample elsewhere online, yet I was not satisfied with that answer, so here we are. The original essay contains no mistake when it comes to the 4 criteria (i.e. Task Achievement, Coherence & Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range & Accuracy), so it was graded 8.0+ by an IELTS examiner. He made some minor improvements to strengthen the arguments in order that the essay can reach 9.0 Bandscore. The examiner is working in HCMC right now and he wishes to remain anonymous owing to the confidentiality agreement he signed with British Council. Feel free to read, analyse and distribute the material. Bui Hai Anh MrBi Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/buihaianh.1505 IELTS WRITING MrBi’s IELTS Overall There are many types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Should we focus more on preserving traditional music or is international music that is heard everywhere nowadays more useful to a society? ORIGINAL WORK – by MrBi Bandscore: 8.0+ Since the first appearance of modern human, music has always been an integral part of everyday life. Along with the heterogeneity of life, many genres of music have risen and fallen, of which some can withstand the test of time, although they now have to struggle against the trendier ones. However, both have their imprints on history. Music is one of the indispensable parts of humanity. Even when being unborn babies, people can listen to their mothers’ lullabies, which accompany them in their childhood. They can feel the maternal love and devotion via the melodies and rhythms, an important factor leading to a better upbringing. When they grow up, music diversifies following the multitude of sentiments ones experience in their lives. Music fills their lives with senses of sympathy, even encourages them to strive for the best and transcend the limits. Currently, it is widely perceived that folk music belongs to the seniors, while the youth feel more comfortable with contemporary rhythms, especially ones with global recognition. One explanation could be that the elderly, living long enough to understand the true quality of life, often appreciate the effort and the creativity of the ancestors, and traditional music contains those, with all the legacy and history of a country hidden below. In contrast, adolescents often desire to separate themselves from their forebears, using modern music as one of the instruments. Both views have their merits, and to foster a diverse society, the two genres should receive support to develop, so that people can enjoy the new musical achievements while understanding the life of their ancestors. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that no one could live without the effect of music. No matter whether it is traditional or modern music, people should respect it to encourage the understanding between generations. Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/buihaianh.1505 REVISED VERSION by an IELTS Examiner Bandscore: 9.0 Since the first appearance of modern humans, music has always been an integral part of everyday life. Along with the heterogeneity of life, many genres of music have risen and fallen, of which some can withstand the test of time, although they now have to struggle against the trendier ones. However, both have their imprints on history. Music is one of the indispensable parts of humanity. Even unborn babies can listen to their mothers’ lullabies in the womb, which will soon accompany them in their childhood. They can feel the maternal love and devotion via the melodies and rhythms, an important factor leading to a better upbringing. When they grow up, music diversifies the multitude of sentiments one experiences in life. Music fills their lives with a sense of sympathy, even encourages them to strive for the best and transcend the limits of the life of the mundane. Currently, it is widely perceived that folk music belongs to the seniors, while the youth feel more comfortable with contemporary rhythms, especially ones with global recognition. One explanation could be that the elderly, living long enough to understand the true quality of life, often appreciate the effort and the creativity of their ancestors, and traditional music contains such attributes with all the legacy and history of both a country’s well known and beloved songs along with the more esoteric and tacit meanings that older generations feel a special attachment to. In contrast, adolescents often desire to separate themselves from their forebears, using modern music as one of the instruments to proclaim their youthful independence. Both views have their merits, and to foster a diverse society, the two genres should receive support to develop, so that people can enjoy the new musical achievements of the present while at the same time understanding the life of their ancestors. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that no one could live without the effects of music. No matter whether it is traditional or modern music, people should respect it to both encourage the understanding between generations and respect the historical elements of tradition through such a beautiful vocal art.