MARITAL ADJUSTMENT: PSYCHOLOGICAL POINT OF VIEW IN ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVES DR MD INTEKHAB UR RAHMAN ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR UNIVERSITY DEPARTMENT OF PSYCHOLOGY B.N.MANDAL UNIVERSITY MADHEPURA-BIHAR PIN-852113 E-mail: rahman3521@gmail.com ABSTRACT The present study is seeking to determine the Islamic lifestyle in predicting marital adjustment in the light of psychological concept. Marital adjustment is harmony and empathy in achieving common goals of life between husband and wife that leads to satisfaction from living together. Religion is considered as one of the most effective spiritual aspects which are able to provide the meaning of life in each moment of lifetime and rescue a person in special condition from suspension and meaninglessness. The main aim of this research is to study the relationship between religious orientation and marital adjustment and its different aspects in the light of Quran and Sunnah to provide the effective way in improving relationships and marital adjustment among the couples to establish and keep good intimate relations. INTRODUCTION Marriage is a holy sacrament in which man and woman get into a lifelong relationship of oneness that includes the physical, psychological and spiritual dimensions. Universally marriage is one of the most intimate and socially recognised interpersonal domains. In marriage two people share their present life, their future, and their past. These elements of commitment to a permanent union of lives distinguish marriage from other relationships that may temporarily meet the needs of two people. The resulting personal confidence, even security, contributes to ability and a willingness to work to create a successful marriage. Marriage is a relationship, which also endorses sexual commitment between spouses. In various cultures people marry for various reasons. Some marry for the fun of it, while others marry for economic reasons, to take cover under the protective wings of the proposed rich spouse. Thus, defining the term marriage is not an easy one because of the diversities in the systems of marriage the world over. Although marriage is known to have some common qualities, it varies from one culture to another. Marriage can be defined as a legal term describing certain relationship concerning individuals in order to fulfill three different types of needs: material, sexual and psychological. Religiously, marriage is defined as a loving intimate relationship between a man and a woman geared towards procreation and parenting, companionship and fulfilment of social and economic necessities (Saxton, 1992). Marriage provides a person an opportunity for a secure and protected satisfaction of his needs for companionship, affection and sexual expression. It involves the most intimate type of emotional relationship between two individuals (Coleman, Morris & Glaros, 1987). Many marriages suffer because the two partners fail to develop a relationship which is characterized by mutual acceptance, trust, care, concern, love, and admiration and sharing of role responsibilities. The success in marriage is said to depend partly on finding the right person (Ruch, 1970). But the mere fact that two persons are suited to each other does not guarantee that they will make a successful marriage. Ruch (1970) rightly says that being the right person is more a matter of becoming the right person. This implies considerable change in their personalities they bring with them at the time of marriage. In short, a good marriage does not simply happen; it has to be worked out (Stone and Stone, 1967). In Islam marriage is highly revered and extolled and accorded a detailed treatment both in the Quran and the sunnah of the prophet (SAW). It is, for instance, called as the sign of God (Rome 30: 21) a way of Prophets (Ar Raad 13:38) and the sunnah of Muhammad (SAW) (Abi Abdullah Mohammad). Quran describes marriage as a sacred covenant (An Nisa 4: 21,) and uses the simile of a garment (Al- Baqara 2:187) to describe the unique relationship between husband and wife and asks both the partners to be very kind and respectable to each other. Family, the basic and most important unit of any society is considered a divine establishment since the times of the first couple of Adam and Eve. Considering its importance Islam has laid down set principles for its formation. Nikah (Marriage contract) between a male and a female is considered the most important prerequisite with zero tolerance for any sort of extra marital relations before or after marriage, declaring it a culpable crime (An Noor 24: 2.). MARITAL ADJUSTMENT Despite all advantages and benefits which marriage and family formation have for life of individual and society, based on existent data has overall rate of marriage decreased. In comparison which 10 years ago, now less people are willing to marry. On the other hand statistics are indicating that not only average age of marriage has increased, rather the rate of divorce has increased, too. There are many factors involved in marital adjustment and marital satisfaction, In the meantime piety and religious adherence is one of the pillars of a happy life. Marital satisfaction increases. In this paper we will discuss the role of Islam on marital adjustment. Marital adjustment is the self-revelation of couple at any point of time and is a process which is created during life, because it requires the adoptability of attitudes and tastes, recognizing personal traits and creating interaction patterns (Sanaei, 2001, HosseiniNasab, Badri, Oskui, 2010). Nowadays, to establish a good relationship and keeping an intimate relation, face many problems and marital dis-adjustment more than any other problem force people to receive counseling and treatment services. Therefore, studying marriage and marital adjustment play significant roles in mental health. Marital adjustment is coordination and sympathy in an attempt to achieve common goals between man and woman, which in turn, results in a mutual satisfaction with life. Marital adjustment makes them avoid conflicts or solve the problem by an appropriate strategy; thereby, both of them feel satisfaction with their relationship. Choosing a wife and formation of a family is the most critical event in youth and affects life up to the end of life. If there is not marriage and family, there is not society and if there is not society, there is not culture and civilization. Couple's compatibility and adjustment is one aftermath of a successful marriage, which not only affects their satisfaction, but also reduces marital tensions. Marital adjustment can influence individuals' different personal and social aspects. In fact, the cornerstone of a good performance is family and it facilitates parental criticism(Cumming, Mark &Watson, 1997), lengthens the lifetime of the couple (Coomb, 1991), enhances health (Demo, 1996), results in economic development (Waite, 1997) and increased satisfaction with life, reduces psychological problems, help fulfilling a better management of conflict (Abraham& De Bruyne, 2000), better relational skills and problem solving (Johnson & et al, 2005, Reza Zadeh, 1999) and better skills of conflict resolving (ShafieeNia, 2003). On the other hand, the marital conflicts and discord between couple not only causes above mentioned difficulties, but also disrupts social relationships, tendency to moral and social deviances and also the decline of cultural values between couple (Popenoe, 1996 &Niolon, 2000). When there is marital instability, there is a problem in raising and nurturing the children, which may lead to an increase in the rate of juvenile delinquency in the society and lack of peace. With so many marriages ending tragically in divorce (Adegoke & Esere, 1998), it is more important now to work on the religious aspect of adjustment between husband and wife. So many problems escalate when there is lack of Islamic knowledge, and many problems are resolved when there is Islamic education about marital life. Truly Islamic education is the key to a successful marriage and without it no marriage can survive in this divorce-filled world we live in. Islam lays great importance on dignity of the family and its members. Since social life is inevitable for human existence, marriage becomes a compulsory institution. Islam recognises matrimonial relationships only, and prohibits adultery and illegal relationships. ‘Do not come near to adultery; for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil way’ (17:32). While prohibiting adultery Islam promotes the practice of matrimony. The Messenger of God said: ‘When a man marries, he has fulfilled half the religion.’ After marriage, both husband and wife should be loyal to each other and should have mutual understanding in safeguarding the relationship and preserving chastity. Even though a matured girl has the right to select her husband it should be done in a fair manner. It should be on social grounds, and not an individual affair. The Holy Qur’ān says: ‘So marry them with their marriage portions (Mehr) decently (so that they live) a protected life (in marriage) not indulging in illicit affairs, nor having secret lovers! (4:25) It is further stated: ‘Since you have thereby sought contentment with them, give them their marriage portions (Mehr) as is stipulated’ (4:24). Regarding position of women in society, the Holy Qur’ān states: ‘And women shall have rights similar to the rights (enjoyed by men) against them, according to what is equitable and just; but men have a degree of advantage over them.’ (2:228).The advantage is about the responsibilities to the family as the head. Regarding the wives, the Qur’ān orders, “Treat them politely; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good” (4:19). In view of the above mentioned facts about marital satisfaction and adjustment, we have tried to analyze and discuss the important factors and determinants of married life in the light of psychological studies and Islamic concepts of well adjustment of married life by citing the order of Allah (verse of Quran) and sayings (Hadith) of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH). HUSBAND AND WIFE RELATIONSHIP Marriage relationship is one of the fundamental aspects of human relationships. According to Dyer (1983), marriage relationship refers to dyadic relationships between husband and wife defined by the status and role of "wife" in reciprocity with the status and role of "husband". Marriage is a universal social institution (United Nations 1988, 1990) through which an adult male and an adult female, generally acquire new statuses, husband and wife. The statuses the husband and wife acquires goes through from institution to companionship, that may endure and sustain in their life cycle (Burgess and Locke 1945), they play reciprocal roles to meet their material, sexual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs for their survival. Since the nineteenth century, the burden of sorting out the family problems has fallen increasingly on the women in families. Women came to be seen as not only responsible for nurturance of the children but for the management of all relationships and feelings. This responsibility is predicted on the assumption or discourse of natural differences between men and women with women being regarded as naturally more nurturing, caring and sensitive (Dallos & MC Laughlin, 1993). On the other hand, women were largely responsible for providing a decent home and ensuring that their husbands were satisfied and happy. This could be interpreted to mean that women were expected to 'service' their husbands domestically and sexually (Jeffreys, 1990). It could also be interpreted to mean that because of their greater sensitivity, women were better at working out ways of conflicts than men. It was often assumed that a drunken, violent husband was a result of the wife's sluttish immorality. She therefore deserved the beatings she received which only symbolized her failure as a woman and virtuous wife. The image of the ideal women constructed largely by the middle classes, was a woman who kept the house clean and comfortable for her man to come home to. She was seen as non sexual, non-aggressive in contrast to the view of men who were seen as essentially driven by and unable to control these impulses. Within this discourse women in the nineteenth century were regarded as being morally superior to man and therefore generally better able to sort out "family matters1' (Dallos & MC Laughlin, 1993). In most situations involving human relationships, elements of conflict are present. Marriage is no different from other relationships in this respect. Whenever two or more people attempt to live harmoniously together adjustments must be made. One person who is selfish and demanding or thoughtless and inconsiderate of the rights of others can create constant friction and unpleasantness. In marriage people are inclined to take their differences more seriously and to project themselves into controversial issues because they feel they belong to each other. They cannot go their separate ways and avoid differences as easily as can room-mates. In addition, the marriage relationship involves sex, which plays an important part in determining levels and types of interactions. The sexual part of their interaction may serve as a strong bond that holds husband and wife together and aids them in working out points of difference, or points of friction so that they react more emotionally in all other areas requiring adjustability (Landis & Landis, 1977). Actually, the companionship in the marriage relationship develops between a man and a woman is based on their purely interpersonal trust, dependency, competence, mutuality, complement, love, sympathy, touch, fellow-feeling, obligation, commitment, evaluation, regard, self-exposure etc. that create unity and integrity in diverse beliefs, values, norms, attitudes of the persons, who involve in that relationship (Zimbardo and Ruch 1980; Yorburg 1993; Foster 1960). In addition, this relationship has both positive and negative sides: the former creates and develops self-esteem, satisfactions, regard, security, sense of integrity and capacity of adjustment, and the latter develops anxiety, stress, embarrassment, insecurity, aggression and even violence within and between partners, depending on how they relate to each other, how to behave to each other, how to consciously deal with conflict, misunderstanding and resolution, how much extent their interpersonal needs fulfill and the wishes to continue or discontinue the relationship. Impact of marriage and formation of wife-husband relationship on growth and promotion of human Character and consequently society from view point of Islamic psychology is so deep that Imam Mohammad Bagher quoting prophet Mohammad (PBUH) says: no foundation in Islam before almighty God is more popular that marriage (Imam Khomeyni, quoting biazar shirazi, 1361). Concerning wife conjugal status her foremost role is to provide companionship and love to her husband. The basis of the marriage relationship is love, affection, harmony, mutual tolerance, respect and trust. And in all these qualities, the husband and wife are interdependent, complementary, reciprocal and mutual. They are expected to find peace and tranquillity in each other’s company and be bound together not only by the sexual relationship but by “love and mercy”, depicted by Quran: “And among His Signs is this that He created for you wives (spouses) from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”(Aayah No. 21, Surah Ar-Rūm, Chapter No. 30, Holy Quran). It is indeed Allah’s mercy upon mankind that He created spouses for human beings and that too from their own kind. Imagine the world with humans living without a spouse. Or imagine if a spouse was not from same kind i.e. suppose a human had a spouse from community of Jinns etc. It would have been very difficult to achieve compatibility. Alhumdolillah, the mercy of The Almighty is vast. He has blessed the mankind with this beautiful relation of husband-wife. Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said that women are sovereign of their homes, empowered with full control over it and the children; the following saying of Mohammad (SAW) enjoins upon woman this sense of her responsibility: “All of you are guardians and responsible for your wards and the things under your care; a man is guardian of his family and is responsible for them, a woman is guardian of her husband’s home and the children and is responsible for them, all of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your wards (Mohammad Ismail, 1985).” The best role a woman can play in keeping the marital tie intact and strong, is to recognize her husband as the one responsible for running of family affairs. She is supposed to obey him even if his judgment is not acceptable to her, in any particular matter provided he does not go beyond the limits of Islam. In the context of marriage in Islam, the meaning of obedience is the recognition of the role of husband as the head of the family unit and the submission and loyalty of both husband and wife to a higher law, the shariah. Allah orders women to be obedient to their husbands: “Virtuous women are, therefore, obedient; they guard their rights carefully in their absences under the care and watch of Allah (An Nisa 4: 34.).” Several sayings of the prophet Mohammad (SAW) encourage women to be obedient to their husbands. The first tradition cited below has been quoted by almost all the muffassereen. “The best wife is the one who pleases you when you see her, obeys your orders (demands), and guard you property and her own honour (chastity), when you are not at home(Mohammad Ismail) Tantawi and Qartabi quoted that having said these words prophet recited verse 34 of Al Nisa (Tantawi and Qartabi). “If a lady is obedient to her husband and keeps her husband pleased, she enters Paradise.” Refer to the following hadith: Umm Salamah (RA) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “Whichever woman dies while her husband is pleased with her, then she enters Paradise.” (Hadith No. 1161, Chapters on Suckling, Jami’ At-Tirmidhi, Vol. 2). Thus it is evident that according to Qur'an and hadith obedience of wives towards their husbands is described as a desirable quality of the wife and these sources outline and persuade women for this desired attitude for the functional harmony and good relationship of the family unit in long terms. It is however important to realize that this obedience is not absolute in its implication as the Prophet Mohammad’s (SAW) rulings prescribe: “None should be obeyed in the disobedience of Allah.” “Obedience is obligatory only in what is good and lawful”. Thus it is clear that obeying a husband is obligatory for a wife; but she is not supposed to obey her husband if he orders her to do anything that leads to disobedience of Allah and His Messenger (PBUH) refer to the following hadith: Narrated Aishah (RA): An Ansari woman gave her daughter in marriage and the hair of the latter started falling out. The Ansari woman came to the Prophet (PBUH), mentioned that to him and said, “Her husband suggested that I should let her wear false hair.” The Prophet (PBUH) said, “No, for Allah sends His curse upon such ladies who lengthen their hair artificially.” (Hadith No. 5205, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7). This tells us that although women are supposed to obey their husbands, but any order or wish of the husband that leads to disobedience of Allah and His Messenger (PBUH) is not to be obeyed by the wives. This is a clear ruling for all to understand. Therefore, it should be understood that husbands have no right to stop their wives from meeting her parents, brothers, sisters and other blood relatives. Similarly, if a husband asks his wife to abandon Hijab and wear modern revealing outfits, she is not supposed to obey him at all. RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE Rights and Duties of husband and wife have been prescribed for smooth functioning of the family. Man has been given the status of the caretaker, while woman is regarded as the centre of the family. In the status of caretaker and maintainer he has been given the sole responsibility of earning for the family, exempting woman from any kind of economic liability for herself or the family. Islamic law secures her financial rights in the family setup through her right of dower, inheritance and maintenance for her as well as for her children. Still she can enter any lawful profession or business if she requires or desires so, provided that her primary responsibilities of motherhood and as guardian of her house are not totally negated or undermined by her working outside and her sanctity and the sanctity of the society is not affected. While till 18th Century in Western world it was inconceivable to inherit or own her property, in 7th Century under Islamic law she was given full possession and control over her property being single, married, widowed or divorced. This also stands a unique feature of Islamic law that unlike certain other religions it does not rule out the possibility of dissolution of marriage as a last resort between estranged couples. Describing divorce as the most detestable act among the permissible things (Abu Dawood Suleman). Islam gives both the partners the right to terminate it, though in different ways and conducts under different circumstances and situations. Wife has been considered as a guardian in her husband absence. In Aayah No. 34, Surah An-Nisa’, where Allah mentions that woman is a guardian in her husband’s absence. The husband goes out to earn livelihood. The wife stays at home. It is her duty, in absence of her husband, to be a guardian. Narrated Ibn Umar (RA): The Prophet (PBUH) said, “All of you are guardians and are responsible for your words. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian and is responsible for her husband’s house and his off-spring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your words.” (Hadith No. 5200, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7). This makes it clear that it the responsibility of a wife to take care of her husband’s house, their children and her husband’s wealth, when he is away from the home. She is not supposed to allow anyone enter his home (in his absence as well as presence) whom he disapproves of. Apart from this, she has to guard her chastity in absence of her husband. If the parents of her husband are alive and live with them, it is her responsibility to take care of them. Talq bin Ali narrated that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “When a man calls his wife to fulfill his need, then let her come even if she is at the oven.” (Hadith No. 1160, Chapters on Suckling, Jami’ At-Tirmidhi, Vol. 2). When the husband calls, it is the duty of the wife to satisfy her husband. If she refuses, the consequences are as mentioned below: Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that the Prophet (PBUH) said, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry at her, the angels curse her until the next morning.” (Hadith No. 5193, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7; Hadith No. 2141, Book of Marriage,Sunan Abu Dawud, Vol. 2) In another similar narration reported by Muslim, it is mentioned that the angels curse such a woman and are not pleased till the husband of that woman is pleased with her. However, if the wife has a genuine reason for refusing (like being sick, going through her menstrual cycles etc.), there is no sin on her. Such a right is not only reserved for a husband. A wife also is a human being and she also has desires. Unlike a husband, she might feel shy of putting her desires in front of her husband, but Islam makes the husband take care of this. It is the right of a wife that her husband provides her physical satisfaction. Refer to following hadith: Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As (RA): Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in Salat all night?” I said, “Yes, O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)!” He said, “Do not do that. Observe the Saum sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for Salat at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you.” (Hadith No. 5199, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7). Husband has no right to disclose the secret of her wife as mentioned in a hadith: Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudri (RA) said: Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “One of the most evil people before Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who is intimate with his wife and she is intimate with him, then he publicizes her secrets.” (Hadith No. 3542 (1437), Book of marriage, Sahih Muslim, Vol.4) It is shameful on part of a husband to discuss about the intimate moments of her wife with him in front of others. This damages the modesty of the lady, and Islam takes the issue of modesty (especially of women) very seriously. Allah considers such a man to be one of the most evil of the men. Treatment of in-laws plays very important part in keeping the relations between husband and wife sweet or sour. It is responsibility of a husband that he gives proper respect to all relatives of his wife. He should understand what feelings his wife has for her relatives and should ensure that her feelings are not hurt. Special care should be taken regarding parents and siblings of the wife. Sadly, some Muslim husbands tend to behave with her relatives in a rude manner, and stop their wives from meeting their parents and other relatives. Islam does not allow this. This is bound to hurt her feelings and have a bad effect on their marital relation. Responsibility of a wife is even more. She lives with the in-laws and has to tread a more dangerous path; a path that could make or break her life, depending upon how she handles her course. It is very important that the wife shows utmost respect to parents of her husband and take proper care of them. Unfortunately, a woman makes this as the biggest threat to her peaceful married life. Majority of the marital disaccords occur due to strained relations between the wife and her parents-in-law (especially mother-in-law). Wife has to understand that if she does not behave properly with her parents-in-law, that wouldn’t please her husband. Even if her parents-in-law are not right in their treatment with her, she should adopt the course of patience. Similarly, she should treat relatives of her husband with proper respect and dignity. But there is a word of caution here: Relatives of husband include his male brothers and cousins too. It is important that the wife treats them well, but Islam asks her to maintain a distance with them. It is not allowed for her to intermingle with them closely. Following hadith says it all: Uqbah bin Amir narrated that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “Beware of entering upon women.” So a man from the Ansar said, “O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)! What do you think about the Hamu?” So he said, “The Hamu is death.” (Hadith No. 1171, Chapters on Suckling, Jami’ At-Tirmidhi, Vol. 2). Hamu stands for those relatives of the husband who are not Mahram i.e. the brothers, cousins etc. It is disliked for the woman to be alone with them or too close to them. In present times, by the time they marry, most of the women have completed their education. However, if a woman has not completed her education by the time of her marriage, she has full right to complete her education, as it is obligatory on every Muslim to be educated. And the husband must take it as his responsibility to ensure that his wife completes her education. She even has the right to get educated more. But the wife should be honest in her pursuit of education. She should go for really useful education (some recommended educational courses for women shall be evident in next section), because she already has some big responsibilities on her shoulders as a wife which might be affected. Therefore, it is her duty to maintain a balance between her studies and her responsibilities as a wife towards her husband, home and kids. From Islamic point of view, there is no harm if a married woman works. She is allowed to pursue professional careers, earn money and grow in their careers on equal terms with males. Example can be taken of Syeda Khadija (RA); she was a successful businesswoman. In fact Islam recommends women to pursue certain careers. For example: it is responsibility of our society to produce female doctors specialized in gynaecology and radiology. Islamic principles ask for treatment of women patients for gynaecological problems exclusively by female doctors. Similarly, Muslim society should have specialized female doctors to carry out tests like Ultrasound etc. for female patients. In order that women pursue these careers, they need to study these courses. Here comes need of another career for Muslim females, that of a teacher, who can teach these courses to female students. Therefore, it is need of the hour that females come forward and take on meaningful career roles. There is also no harm if a wife intends to pursue any of her creative hobbies (like craft, arts etc.). Such works can be done from home itself. Husbands should be understanding and supportive in such cases. However, there are certain conditions which should be met if a woman has to pursue a profession. These are as follows: The professional career of a wife should not affect her marital life. If it is against the wish of her husband (reason could be any), such a career should not be pursued. The professional career of a wife should not lead her to ignore her duties towards her home and kids. If her career means leaving the kids unattended at home, at the mercy of maids, then such a career has to be abandoned. The career she opts for should be a meaningful one. I have already mentioned few such careers above. Tell me what is the point in a lady working as a bank executive, or on any other similar post? This point hurts me a lot when I connect it to times of recession like nowadays. Several women can be seen working in places just for the sake of pursuing their careers (they might not be requiring money as the financial needs of their families might have been taken care of by their husbands already), whereas on the other hand, several men have lost their jobs and finding it difficult to earn bread for their families. Imagine, if these ladies had not been working, it would have created extra vacancies that could have helped many men earn livelihood for their families. Working ladies should ensure that they observe all do(s) and don’t(s) for women in Islam, like Hijab etc. Even if a woman pursues her profession, the primary responsibility of providing the family with food, clothes etc. remains with the husband. In case the woman is forced to work out of necessity (if her husband is dead or she has no one else to earn livelihood for her family), then she bears the responsibility of providing her family the daily necessities, and in such a case, she can even go for any honourable profession (be it a clerical job or sales etc.). Some people are of the opinion that a wife has to obey her husband silently, even if he treats her in a wrong manner; she is not supposed to complain about her husband, as he is her appointed Imam. This is yet another wrong concept. We have already talked that a wife is not supposed to obey her husband if he asks her to do anything against the will of Allah and His Messenger (PBUH). Now if such a situation leads to clash, then what shall the lady do? Should she keep quiet? No; Islam has given her the right to complain about her husband. Refer to following: It was narrated from Aishah (RA) that she said: “Praise be to Allah Whose hearing encompasses all voices. Khawlah came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) complaining about her husband, but I could not hear what she said. Then Allah, the Mighty & Sublime, revealed:(Hadith No. 3490, Book of Divorce, Sunan An-Nasa’i, Vol. 4). “Indeed Allah has heard the statement of her that disputes with you concerning her husband, and complains to Allah. And Allah hears the argument between you both. Verily, Allah is All-Hearer, All-Seer.” – Aayah No. 1, Surah Al-Mujadilah, Chapter No. 58, Holy Qur’an. This is regarding Khawlah bint Tha’labah who came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) complaining about her husband, and said, “O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)! He spent my wealth, exhausted my youth and my womb bore abundantly for him. When I became old, unable to bear children, he pronounced Zihar on me. O Allah! I complain to you.” Zihar means saying of a husband to his wife that ‘you are unlawful to me for co-habitation just like my mother’. On this Surah Al Mujadilah was revealed. Therefore, a woman has a right of raising her voice and complaining about her husband, in case he does not deal with her justly. Regarding position of women in society, the Holy Qur’ān states: ‘And women shall have rights similar to the rights (enjoyed by men) against them, according to what is equitable and just; but men have a degree of advantage over them.’ (2:228). The advantage is about the responsibilities to the family as the head. Regarding the wives, the Qur’ān orders, “Treat them politely; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good” (4:19). COMMITMENT AND TRUST BETWEEN WIFE AND HUSBAND Commitment is an important factor leading to stability and continuance of marriage. Marital commitment is distinct from global commitment and concerns the partners’ perceptions of the likelihood that they will form and maintain marriage to a particular partner. According to the investment model of commitment, proposed by Rusbult (1 983), three categories of variables are said to enhance commitment. a. Individuals become more strongly committed in so far as satisfaction level is high. Satisfaction is greater to the extent that the outcomes resulting from involvement are good and comparison level is low. b. Commitment is argued to be influenced by comparison level of alternatives, defined as the perceived desirability and availability of alternatives. Outcomes obtained in the current relationship are compared to anticipated outcomes in the best alternative option (Canary & Stafford, 1994). c. The third class of variable is said to be the investment size, which is said to shape commitment. Invested resources presumably enhance commitment because the acts of investment serve as a powerful psychological inducement to persist and as the cost of ending a relationship. Canary and Stafford (1994), studied the behavioural characteristics of the committed partners and reported that commitment appears to exert general effects on behaviour, in that committed individuals also enact diverse relationship maintenance behaviours. For example, highly committed individuals exhibit greater (i) willingness to accommodate rather than retaliate when a partner behaves poorly (ii) tendencies to derogate tempting alternative partners (iii) willingness to sacrifice immediate self-interest for the good of the relationship and (iv) inclinations to perceive their relationship as superior. Wieselquist, Rusbult, Foster and Agnew (1999) linked interpersonal trust with commitment. Trust is said to include three components, i.e., of (a) predictability, or, belief that the partner's behaviour is consistent; (b) dependability, or belief that he partner can be counted on to be honest, reliable, and benevolent and (c) faith, or conviction that the partner is intrinsically motivated to be responsive and caring-belief that the partner's motives go beyond instrumental bases for benevolence. Commitment and trust go hand-in hand, and they constantly get influenced by each other. Commitment has been implicated as an important factor in the stability or dissolution of a marriage. Heaton and Albrecht (1991) found that marital duration and commitment to the relationship were important factors in the stability of unhappy marriages. The interaction of many years in a relationship contributes somewhat to its stability, even if not to its satisfaction. Belief and attitudinal patterns also seem to be quite important. The belief that marriage is a life time commitment contributes to its stability. Even in the most extreme cases of battered women; Strube and Barbour (1983) found that both economic dependence and commitment to the relationship were independently and significantly related to decisions to leave1 stay in an abusive relationship. This shows another important face of marriage, i.e., the relationship between negative impact of a distressing marriage on the well-being of individuals and vice versa. All social relationships involve both wanted and unwanted demands, conflicts and gratification, irritation and pleasure. The intensity and importance of intimate relationships exacerbate the negative and demanding, as well as the positive and rewarding side of human interaction. The conflictual critical and controlling aspects of relationship with spouses should have an especially powerful impact on mental health because they stem from important and valued social ties. Moreover, spouses cannot easily terminate their relationships, their negative behaviours are likely to be reciprocated or escalate. These types of relationships may have negative aspects and these negative aspects may have strong detrimental effects on mental health of concerned partners. Poor mental health can be a cause as well as consequence of a distressing marriage. The link between depression and interpersonal relationship has received considerable theoretical and empirical attention. Some causal structures have been proposed. First, interpersonal discord could precipitate or maintain a depressive episode. Second, an episode of depression could lead to marital discord. Few studies support the second model i.e., that depression has a negative impact on intimate relationships. Nelson and Beach (1990) report that the depressed individual's self critical comments can be f'i-ustrating to a spouse or family member, who may consequently treat the depressed individual in a negative or rejecting manner. The depressed person, perceiving this hostility, may in turn, become more depressed, potentiate a vicious circle. Mathews, Wickrama and Conger (1996) on examining the relationship between quality of marital interaction and marital instability, found that, couples who were observed to exhibit high level of hostile, angry, critical, stubborn, inconsiderate, defiant or rejecting behaviour, which has not counter balanced by considerate, co-operative or affectionate behaviour, were more likely to perceive high levels of hostility in their marital interactions. Islam also mentioned that wife and husband should be committed to each other and have trust upon them. It is said in Quran “…they guard their rights carefully in their absences under the care and watch of Allah” means guarding the husband's honour and property as well as wife's own loyalty towards him, under protection of God as it is the responsibility inflicted by Him. Ibn-ul-Arabi says it is obligatory upon her to protect his mal (property), and house. She will have a good dealing with his family members. And what he does not like in his presence, she will observe it in his absence also. Tantawi says she protects and secures in the absence of her husband which has been made obligatory for her and that is the protection of her own nafs (self) and property. Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is reported to have said: "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would order a woman to prostrate herself before her husband"( Abu Eisa Mohammad) ,and the other in which prophet (saw) told a sahabia, that “your husband is your heaven and hell” (Nisha Puri) . prophet Mohammad (SAW) promising great reward for such attitude of women. “For a woman who is dutiful to her husband, there are birds in the air and fish in the sea and angels in the skies and beasts in the forests who pray for her forgiveness by the Lord.” Emphasizing the commitment and trust in each other it is said in Quran about wife and husband that they are Libas (apparel, dress, body cover or screen) for you and you are the same for them (Al Baqara 2: 187.) RESPONSIBLE SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR Adjustment in marriage is a vital factor for satisfactory marital and sexual life (Hashmi, Khurshid and Hassan, 2007). Marital adjustment plays a major role in the sexual functioning of couples (Henry and Miller, 2004). Sex is a very sensitive barometer for assessing couple’s marital functioning (Elliott and Umberson, 2008). Sexual activity in the context of marital relationship may be an important site of conflict as well as relationship vitality. Studies find that sex is an essential element of relational intimacy, a key to personal fulfilment, and also crucial for relationship longevity (Elliott and Umberson, 2008). Satisfactory sex life is an important influencing factor for a harmonious marital life. The success in marriage is said to depend partly on finding the right person and partly on being the right person. But the mere fact that two persons are suited to each other does not guarantee that they will make a successful marital relationship, rather their level of adjustment decides the success of their marital and sexual relationship (Cohen, Geron and Farchi, 2009). Satisfaction in marital and sexual relationship is the most basic ingredient of marital adjustment. The maintenance and endurance of a quality marital relationship is in part a function of couple’s abilities to accomplish certain relationship goals, such as communicating and problem solving, obtaining and keeping a job, maintaining a home, raising children, handling finances, and maintaining a satisfying sex life. Some couples naturally acquire these skills before or within the relationship, but some are not. Conflict resolution style of couples is an important factors that determining martial satisfaction (Schneewind and Gerhard, 2002). The ability of couples to solve problems that occurs in day to day life determines happiness and duration of marriage (Kurdek, 1995; Friedman, 2004); whereas hostile and distancing behaviors among couples are associated with marital distress (Roberts, 2000). Communication skills of couples are related to their marital and sexual satisfaction (Burleson and Denton, 1997). Poor communication between couples is lead to marital distress and sometimes it is seen as the sign of marital conflict (Klinetob and Smith, 1996). With the help of review of literature and its findings we can conclude that relationship problems can affect the sexual functioning of couples. Sex can be seen as the result of better interpersonal skills among couples. Better interpersonal skills result in better marital adjustment and better marital adjustment result in enhanced sexual functioning. Therefore, the key to have satisfactory sex among couples is to maintain their relationship efficiently. Sexual behaviour has an important place in Islamic order and rights of physical intimacy has been very well described for better adjustment of married life. Islamic concept of sexual life is widely accepted nowadays. Talq bin Ali narrated that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “When a man calls his wife to fulfill his need, then let her come even if she is at the oven.” (Hadith No. 1160, Chapters on Suckling, Jami’ At-Tirmidhi, Vol. 2). When the husband calls, it is the duty of the wife to satisfy her husband. If she refuses, the consequences are as mentioned below: Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that the Prophet (PBUH) said, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry at her, the angels curse her until the next morning.” (Hadith No. 5193, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7; Hadith No. 2141, Book of Marriage, Sunan Abu Dawud, Vol. 2). In another similar narration reported by Muslim, it is mentioned that the angels curse such a woman and are not pleased till the husband of that woman is pleased with her. However, if the wife has a genuine reason for refusing (like being sick, going through her menstrual cycles etc.), there is no sin on her. Such a right is not only reserved for a husband. A wife also is a human being and she also has desires. Unlike a husband, she might feel shy of putting her desires in front of her husband, but Islam makes the husband take care of this. It is the right of a wife that her husband provides her physical satisfaction. Refer to following hadith: Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As (RA): Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in Salat all night?” I said, “Yes, O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)!” He said, “Do not do that. Observe the Saum sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for Salat at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you.” (Hadith No. 5199, Book of Nikah, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 7). It is mentioned in Quran that even if the husband has had hundreds of sexual intercourse with his wife still if he vows not to have sexual intercourse with her for a period of four months, the Shariah grants right to dissolve the marriage to the wife as the situation of Eilaa arises. Hazrat Umar (Radhi Allahu Taala Anhu) kept this guidance while deciding about the grant of vacations to the soldiers. Therefore it would not be right to think that having one single sexual relationship with the wife would fulfill responsibility of the husband for a life time, and she would not have any right to dissolution of marriage on the basis of husband’s impotency. Regarding sexual diseases, Islam has warned people many centuries ago. The incurable diseases like HIV/AIDS could be checked only through responsible sexual behaviour within the bonds of marriage. FAMILY PLANNING AND MARITAL ADJUSTMENT When people make choices to marry, they want to live happily ever after. They want a loving, happy, successful marriage. After they have been married for a while, and the novelty has worn off, they tend to discover that marriage does not maintain itself. Marriage takes work from both spouses to stay. After marriage every couple not only consumes marital sex for sexual satisfaction and reproduction, but also involves in role relationship to meet material and social needs according to their cultural patterns and they want to tend towards family planning. World Health Organization defined Family Planning as “A way of thinking and living that is adopted voluntarily, upon the basis of knowledge, attitudes, responsible decisions by individuals and couples, in order to promote the health and welfare of the family group and thus contribute effectively to the social development of a country”. Family planning refers to practices that help individual or couples to attain certain objectives: 1. To avoid unwanted births. 2. To regulate interval between pregnancies. 3. To bring about wanted births. 4. To control the time at which births occur in relation to the ages of the parents and to determine the number of children in the family. The attitude of a woman towards family planning is influenced by her education, age, income, background, husband’s occupation and her status among other factors. In terms of age, it has been found that the percentage of women approving family planning decreases as the age group increases. But the acceptance is about two- thirds even among the older age group for their better marital satisfaction and adjustment. We should remember that the basic purpose of a marriage is reproduction. Islam recommends us to have children; this is understood by following narration: It was narrated from Aishah (RA) that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “Marriage is part of my Sunnah, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations…”(Hadith No. 1846, Chapters on Marriage, Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol. 3). In Quran it is also mentioned “Say: Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited you from. Join not anything in worship with Him; be kind and dutiful to your parents; kill not your children because of poverty – We provide sustenance for you and for them; come not near to Al-Fawahish, whether committed openly or secretly; and kill not anyone whom Allah has forbidden, except for a just cause. This He has commanded you that you may understand.” (Aayah No. 151, Surah Al-An’am, Chapter No. 6, Holy Qur’an). It means if the reason of birth control is that one is poor, or thinks that he/she will not be able to afford another child, or for any material reason; then, in light of the above commandment of the Qur’an, it is absolutely forbidden. And that is because Allah provides sustenance for us, as well as the sustenance for the coming child. . Qur’an prohibited this heinous act, and clarified that one should not fear poverty because of feeding your children; certainly, their provision is provided by Allah. If the couple adopts ‘birth control’ measures due to health concerns of the woman, then Islam permits doing so. Health/Medical reasons could call for different types of ‘birth control’ measures. 1. Temporary birth control measures (like condoms, contraceptive pills etc.): The following Ahaadith are in favour of temporary birth control measures. Jabir (RA) narrated that a man from Ansar came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH), and said, “I own a slave-girl whom I visit (i.e. cohabit with), and I dislike that she should become pregnant.” He replied, “Practice ‘Azl’ if you wish, for whatever has been decreed for her will occur.” After a period of time, the man returned and said, “My slave-girl has become pregnant.” He said, “I had already informed you, whatever had been decreed for her will come to pass.” (Hadith No. 2173, Book of Marriage, Sunan Abu Dawud, Vol. 2). It was narrated from Abdur-Rahman bin Bishr bin Mas’ud, who attributed it to Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudri (RA), who said, “The Prophet (PBUH) was asked about ‘Azl’ and he said: It does not matter if you do (or) not do it, for it is only the Divine Decree (that decides).” (Hadith No. 3549 (1438), Book of Marriage, Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4). It was narrated that Jabir (RA) said, “We used to practice coitus interruptus (i.e. ‘Al-Azl’) during the time of Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) when the Qur’an was being revealed.” (Hadith No. 1927, Chapters on Marriage, Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol. 3). ‘Al-Azl’ or ‘coitus interrupts’ means that a man has intercourse with his wife or slave-woman, but he does not allow emission of semen inside, rather, he ejaculates outside, in order to prevent pregnancy. These narrations tell us temporary measures for ‘birth control’ are allowed. Therefore, use of temporary measures of modern times, like condoms, contraceptive pills etc., is permissible for Muslims. However, their permissibility or prohibition depends on the intention behind it. If the intention is good i.e. with a view that infant’s (nursing) health is not injured, or the woman’s health does not permit pregnancy, then it is alright. But if the intention is bad then definitely it becomes wrong. 2. Permanent birth control measures: Some of the permanent ‘birth control’ measures include total removal of uterus of the woman, vasectomy, tubectomy etc. ‘Vasectomy’ is a surgical procedure done on males in which the male ‘vasa differentia’ (i.e. the duct that transports the sperms from epididymis to the penis) are severed and then tied in a manner so as to prevent sperms from entering the seminal discharge, thereby preventing the occurrence of fertilization in the process of sexual intercourse. ‘Tubectomy’ is a similar sterilization procedure which is done on females. The basic principle of tubectomy is occlusion of fallopian tubes of the female so as to prevent union of sperm and the egg. When it comes to permanent ‘birth control’ measures, there is no doubt that all such permanent ‘birth control’ measures are prohibited in Islam; all scholars are unanimous on this front. Therefore, we should refrain from all such preventive measures of ‘birth control’ which render a male or a female permanently infertile. However, if a person is forced on medical grounds to go for such a measure, then it is permissible. 3. Abortion: if the medical experts confirm that it is essential for the health of the mother that the pregnancy be aborted, then only it should be done. It should not be aborted due to fear of poverty and concerns about how to raise children. Thus we found out that family planning is permissible in Islam to maintain marital adjustment only if Medical’ (or ‘health’) is the most important reason that validates the use of ‘birth control’ measures. Based on this, it is absolutely all right for a Muslim couple to space between their children using temporary measures like condoms, contraceptive pills etc. The thing to be remembered is that the spacing between the children should not be done with a wrong intention (i.e. due to fear that how will they maintain more children); the spacing between the children should be based on the reasons related to nursing of the infant, well-being of the infant and of the mother from medical and/or health point-of-view. CONCLUSION From the above discussions and findings we can conclude that marriage is a commitment with love and responsibility for peace, happiness and development of strong family relationship. Marriage provides a person an opportunity for his needs for companionship, affection and sexual expression. Marriage is the most intimate type of emotional relationship between individuals. The success in marriage is based on partner’s ability to share, accommodate, accept, compromise, and plan together determines the success in the relationship. It is noticed that the phenomenon of marital adjustment is given a priority in all cultures, as marriage is one of the most important commitment an individual makes in his or her life. It is revealed that good marriage not only produces a satisfied life but it also generates a sense of well being. It is manifested by the research that Islam has neither established nor endorsed patriarchal mind set or attitudes, rather has secured woman in providing her basic fundamental rights and protection of her fundamental freedoms. In Islamic model of family, prophet (SAW) himself is seen trying to please and comfort his wives as much as they are trying to please and comfort him, and in doing so he occasionally joins them in household chores in appreciation of their domestic role, as well. 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