Selecting a Spouse- The Heavenly Path

INTRODUCTION

There are a plethora of traditions brought to us by the Ahlul Bayt on the beauty and wisdom of marriage, as well as verses from the Holy Qur’an.

However, despite this clear injunction towards marriage, young adults that have reached a marriageable age delay in taking the step towards marriage, a step so weighty that it secures half of one’s faith.[1]

On deeper consideration, it is apparent that this delay is not caused by apathy or from a disregard of the value of marriage; rather, it seems there are difficulties in the methods used by which young adults seek suitable spouses. In some instances, the methods seem artificial and impersonal, such as providing personal details to unknown matchmakers; in other instances, traditional matchmaking services are used but this can lead to frustrations through repeatedly failed attempts. This ultimately leads to the young adult giving up on the system. For others the whole process may seem so daunting that they procrastinate. Unfortunately, in some cases, the aforementioned reasons result in young adults using alternative methods to seek spouses, not all of which are halal, or even successful in the long term.

The process of finding a suitable spouse is in no way a smooth and easy one. However, this does not mean it must become unnecessarily daunting and laborious as it sometimes becomes. This manual aims to provide someone on the path of seeking a spouse with requisite information and guidance through every step of the process.

The manual begins by highlighting the beauty of marriage, and identifying the reasons why one needs to embark on this journey of finding a ‘mate’. Possible hurdles that people have cited as obstructive are treated and possible solutions have also been mentioned. This is then followed by ways to identify whether one is ready to take this step of getting married or not, looking at the Islamic criterion as well as practical signs.

The book then addresses what one may look for in a potential spouse both from a jurisprudential point of view and from the traditions of the Ma’s min. The book also comprises a section on important Islamic laws and rulings that lay out essential information about the investigation process.

The book then delves into some suggestions for finding a potential spouse whilst adhering to the Islamic Laws. The discussion covers the methods of getting to know the potential spouse in order to see if they fulfil the criteria of what is being looked for. Tips of preparation for this phase are detailed, with an outline of the areas and issues that should be discussed by both parties; samples of questions are provided to ease this process further, whilst ensuring that all relevant issues are covered.

The next step in the process is then outlined, as well as an in-depth look at how one can determine whether or not this is indeed the right person. This all important issue is covered by first looking through an intellectual perspective of the role of the heart and mind, and the oft-stated phenomenon of ‘I just knew he/she was the right one for me’ and ‘we just clicked!’ Practical signs that can assist the decision are mentioned, based on anecdotal feedback from a large number of people who have been through this already, and have gone on to have successful marriages.

The topic of Istikhara and its place in spouse selection, and especially at this time of making a decision is then considered, followed by a reminder to always have reliance on Allah for such matters, as well as the performance of certain recommended acts of ibadah and du'as.

If by this point things are positive, the way forward is identified. Details on the proposal and engagement are provided, with a closer look at the engagement period and various practical signs that serve as an indicator that the match is indeed the right one, or whether things need to be evaluated further. Various other fiqh rules follow, covering both this engagement period and also what to do if the engagement were to break.

Should one be repeatedly unsuccessful in finding ‘the one’, some pointers are provided from the Holy Qur’an, after which the topic of repeating this whole process after having a divorce is discussed. Lastly, the manual ends with a close look at various contracts that are involved in this period, namely the Mut’ah contract, the Nikah contract and the prenuptial contract. The concept of the Mahr is also discussed in some detail.

With reference to the fiqh rules that have been cited throughout the book, it should be noted that they are all in accordance with Ayatullah al-’Uzma Sayyid ‘Ali al-usaini as-Sistani. Muqallidin of other mujtahids are recommended to refer to their own Risalah for these sections. Furthermore, whereas this manual provides only a brief and simplified overview in order to increase awareness and identify the existence of such rules, the Risalah provides much more detail on the individual areas covered and should be referred to for further reference, should the need arise.

It is our sincere hope and prayer that this manual provides you with the information and strength to take this sacred step towards finding a partner, one who will Inshallah help us take a vital step towards our ultimate goal, closeness to Allah, and who is a comfort to us as mentioned in the Holy Qur’an:

"Our Lord! Grant us comfort in our spouses and descendants, and make us leaders of those who are pious."[2]

We would like to thank all those who contributed to this manual in one way or the other, and supported it throughout. May Allah reward you for everything. In particular, we would like to acknowledge two sources we have obtained a lot of useful material from, as cited throughout the book: The Islamic Marriage Guidebook by Al-Haqq Publications, and Solutions for Marriage by Shabbir and Fatima Alibhai and co.

Lastly, we ask for your forgiveness if there are any shortcomings or errors in this manual; please let us know and Inshallah, we shall try to improve it for future readers. Any other comments or suggestions would also be welcome.

When using this manual, please remember our families in your Du’as, and all Marhumeen with a Surat al-Fatihah.

We humbly pray to Allah to accept this effort, and if accepted, we present it to our holy Imam of the time, Imam Mahdi.

All Praise belongs to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

Abbas and Shaheen Merali

Chapter 1

The Miracle of Marriage

THE MIRACLE OF MARRIAGE

The First Human Relationship [3]

Historically speaking, the very first relationship that was established was that of marriage between a male and female – not that of a mother/daughter relationship, father/son relationship or any other. In the book, Etiquette of Marriage, it mentions the beautiful story of Prophet Adam and his marriage, which we narrate here.

After Adam was created he felt lonely and complained to the Almighty about his solitude. Allah put Adam to sleep and then created Hawwah with the utmost beauty.

He covered her with the robes of Paradise and brought her forth with other ornaments of beautification. At this time He instructed Hawwah to sit near the head of Prophet Adam. When he awakened from his sleep and his eyes fell on Hawwah, he was so captivated by her charm that he wanted to reach out and touch her. At this point, the Angels forbade him from doing so.

Adam asked them: Did Allah not create her for me? The Angels replied: Yes, but you have to approach her in the appropriate manner. First you must propose to her (by asking her guardian for permission to marry her), then you must grant her the Mahr (gift), followed by the recitation of the Nikah (marriage contract).

Prophet Adam questioned: Whom do I have to ask for permission to marry her? The Angels replied: You must ask Allah. Then Adam A asked: O’ Allah! What will her Mahr be? Allah replied: Teach her the rules of My religion and send blessings (Salawat) on Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.

The Beauty of Marriage – Why should I get Married?

Man, just like any other creation possessing both a body and a soul (ruh) is in need of several things - each of which is essential for the safeguard of his survival and well-being. For example, the hunger pains and desire for nourishment compel one to eat so as to build up energy to live another day; the feelings of thirst make one drink water which is also essential for one’s life. These and many other things facilitate man to live a prosperous and healthy life.

Since man has been chosen as ‘the best of creations’, Allah has laid down the foundation of marriage in order to allow these needs of life, both physical and spiritual, to be fulfilled in a legitimate manner. The guidelines are very much in accordance with the intellect – since the laws are Divine and the specific conditions are befitting to the valuable souls of both men and women alike.

These needs and their fulfilment through the sacred institution of marriage will now be discussed in more detail:

1. Closeness to Allah

Marriage allows for the fulfilment of the higher needs of man, the most fundamental being the need to attain closeness to Allah. In fact, this one reason alone encompasses all the other advantages of marriage listed below and is THE ultimate goal, for the goal of anything in the period from birth to death is that it enables a person to serve his Lord and attain closeness to him. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an:

I did not create the jinn and the humans except that they may worship Me.[4]

Therefore, marriage must serve this ultimate purpose of servitude to the Lord and Creator of this world. How this is done is described below.

2. Satisfaction of Natural Sexual Desires

Sexual desires and needs are of the most primary human needs. The strong sexual desire inherent in human beings plays a key role in the protection of mankind and the continuation of the human race. Therefore, as it is so strong and natural, it makes no sense to defy this urge or to try and suppress it, nor is it sensible to give in to these desires without some boundaries and limits; both of these extremes have led to social problems as can be seen in the case of paedophile priests and moral anarchy.

In Islam, marriage allows for the satisfaction of sexual desires in a halal and legitimate manner. In fact, the fulfilment of this need is so important due to the ill consequences of it not being met, that if a person fears that by not getting married he/she will fall into sin,