Pure Derry

Press

Imprint Information

First published in 2013 by

Blackstaff Press

4D Weavers Court

Linfield Road

Belfast

BT12 5GH

with the assistance of

The Arts Council of Northern Ireland

© Pure Derry, 2013

All rights reserved

Pure Derry has asserted its right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Cover design by seagulls.net

Produced by Blackstaff Press

EPUB ISBN 978 0 85640 295 1

MOBI ISBN 978 0 85640 313 2

On Pure Derry

Long before Mark Zuckerberg started taking over the universe, one friend request at a time, Pure Derry lived on an old-fashioned website. One that was lovingly hand-built with good ol’ HTML pages, dodgy blue links, animated GIFs and one of those groovy hit counters that went up by one every time someone came knocking.

And they did: over 750,000 times, across 41 editions, between 2003 and 2007. The poor bastards ...

Pure Derry returned to the world of men in the shape of a Facebook page in the summer of 2012. Freed from the shackles of producing time-consuming ‘editions’, the editor (it is rumoured) now simply writes stuff during his lunch break, hits post and goes back to work. Others claim he gets £1 from Bill Gates every time someone shares a post.

Pure Derry now has over fifteen thousand fans on Facebook and is known to a new generation of readers, who were probably too busy playing with Power Rangers to pay much attention last time out.

This book is all our best bits (not necessarily in chronological order); the jokes, stories and features that you’ve laughed at, objected to, commented on and shared over the last ten years.

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Pure Derry: Edition 1

New Year’s Resolution: Read More

New ‘River’ Installation Hailed A Success

Derry City Council staff met in secret this morning to participate in a closed-doors group high-fiving session after the remarkable success of the recent Clipper sailing event.

Derry people were delighted to wake up last week to find that city chiefs had pumped billions of gallons of water into the centre of town, creating what’s known as a ‘river’, which flows right through the city.

The ambitious scheme, which other cities have used successfully for years, follows the principle that its ‘kinda nice’ to do stuff along the waterfront other than park cars, dispose of shopping trolleys and hire out floor sanders.

The spectacular event has galvanised the city ahead of the imminent 2013 celebrations, with tens of thousands turning out to see off the Clippers on the last leg of their voyage to end a brilliant week for Derry.

It wasn’t all plain sailing though. Local boat Derry-Londonderry initially looked in trouble after several crew members fell ill before casting off. However local actress, singer and yacht master Bronagh Gallagher kindly stepped in to help out.

‘She was always a very talented helmsman and navigator at school,’ said her agent.

Despite concerns, local mafia group, Repulsive Activities After Dark, didn’t spoil the event, with intel from MI5 indicating that both members were off doing a fag run to Santa Ponsa.

News Shorts

- Derry has come fourth in the Best in Travel 2013 guide published by Lonely Planet. Support came from all over the world, from as far away as China and South America.

Voters such as Ting Xu Doherty and Jesus-Ernesto McLaughlin are said to be delighted with the result.

- Bad news for the travelling public today, as Translink confirmed that the Derry to Coleraine line will be closed for nine months for essential maintenance.

- In even worse news, the Road Service has confirmed that the road to Strabane will remain open indefinitely.

- John Hume spends whole day opening bags of crisps for the elderly. ‘I did it for one person, and suddenly a big queue started to form. I only did what anyone else would have. For nine hours.’

Phil Coulter In Town Adultery Shocker

Derry citizens everywhere were shocked and saddened to hear of Phil Coulter’s adultery this week when, after a sudden raid on the Coulter estate, police found a number of songs professing love for any number of other towns and cities.

The discovery of ‘I Heartily Approve Of You, Milton Keynes’, ‘Bristol-Whipped’ and ‘Three Cheers For Ipswich’, among others, has led the PSNI to question the seventy-one-year-old songwriter and stuntman.

Lines such as ‘I never knew a town fairer/ Than Weston-super-Mare, ah!’ led angry police chiefs to publicly accuse Coulter of having pursued a ruthless campaign of infidelity for more than twenty-seven years.

Coulter, who for forty years has insisted that Derry is the one and only town in his heart, initially denied allegations of a string of affairs with other towns, cities and the principalities of Monaco and the Vatican City. However, in a change of heart, he later owned up to the shameful events, appealing directly to the people of the city for their forgiveness.

‘They meant nothing to me, those places. You don’t know what it’s like on the road – suddenly everyone wants a piece of you, and it’s so easy to give into temptation. Derry, you were always my number one and I would never have said, sung or written anything to hurt you. I was drunk and lonely. I’m really sorry.’

Lines recovered from his song ‘Hmmmmmm, Stockport!’ seem to contradict this claim, however: ‘When I got off the ferry/ From that shithole Derry/ I found that Stockport/ Was an altogether more affable and interesting place in which to live.’

Even more sickening is the fact that each of the 496 other cities appear to have been completely unaware of his infidelity. Bradford mayor John Bradford said in a statement released last night, ‘We are saddened and devastated to hear this news of Phil Coulter’s adultery. It’s hard to believe that we mean nothing to him. We feel like such fools.’

Bradford added, ‘We, as a community, must move on and re-evaluate our relationship with Coulter. Coming after all his years of famously calling us the town he loved so great, this will not be easy to do. But we will strive to put this behind us.’

On hearing the news, Pope Benedict XVI lost hope in humanity and handed in his resignation.

Other Headlines

- Foyle Search and Rescue temporarily forced to shut as keys to the boat are lost.

- Real centre of universe found. Derry women in shock.

- Gun panic at Derry pub as clueless barman misunderstands boss’s instruction to give out free shots.

New NI Back-To-Work Scheme Not Working, Say People Who Actually Work

Northern Ireland taxpayers are finally getting to see their hard-earned tax pounds put to use, as thousands of people who get paid for not having a job continue to work at bringing down the economy.

Meanwhile, those who get paid to keep the economy running failed to turn up for work for the eighteenth day running. 

The controversial ‘Our Time, Our Place’ back-to-work scheme, which has been in operation now since 3 December 2012, requires loyalist dole claimants, more used to waiting around for their number to be called, to support a new alternative approach of refusing to believe when their number is up. 

It remains unconfirmed if the huge salaries of work-shy MLAs will be divided out amongst the protesters, who have been working tirelessly to reinstate fascism in the halls of power in their absence. None of the politicians, not a single one of them, had anything to say on the matter at all. 

Everyone remained unavailable for comment, indefinitely. 

‘Silence in the courtyard, silence in the streets. The biggest mouth in Stormont’s just about to speak,’ said First Minister Peter Robinson when he kicked off a festive game of cross-unionist ‘Who Can Go The Longest Without Speaking’ nearly three weeks ago up on the Hill. 

Meanwhile, the PSNI, the publicly financed strong arm of the law, upheld its commitment to keep the local community safe by providing weak-fingered real-time Twitter updates about how little its officers are actually doing. 

SPORT

Derry Snooker Table Shortage Continues

Snooker clubs in the North West are in crisis today, as news emerges of a citywide shortage of snooker tables at clubs all over the Foyle area.

It is believed that the shortage is linked to a supply problem at the manufacturers, as the wood used to build snooker tables is the same as that used in the creation of dado rails and cheap laminate flooring.

Packie McGarvey of North West Snooker voiced his concern about the shortage, fearing that it could bring the city’s snooker league to its knees. ‘It’s a disgrace,’ said Packie. ‘We all have to share one table and no one has a clue whose shot it is next. It’s not so bad when you get down to the colours, but when big Danny is on the beers and everyone is trying to hit the cue ball at once it’s a real nightmare.’

There is now a fear within the Foyle snooker community that this shortage could force the upcoming Creggan snooker festival to be cancelled. Joe Quigley of the Foyle Snooker Community Association said, ‘This shortage could force the upcoming Creggan snooker festival to be cancelled.’

Dear Majella: Derry’s 1 Agony Aunt

Dear Majella,

I’ve started putting on a bit of weight in recent months, and I think it’s really starting to bother my husband. I bought two different Atkins books a few months ago, and despite reading them both several times, I haven’t lost ANY weight at all.

Anyway, I decided that I would start my own diet and see how it went, and I have to admit, I’ve been really good lately. For starters, I only buy a small packet of chocolate digestives now for having with my tea instead of the big pack I would normally have bought. Now I know what you are thinking: chocolate isn’t good for you, but I’m no slouch, Majella, I lick all the chocolate off the biscuits before I sit down for my cuppa, meaning I save lots of calories. It’s just like having NORMAL DIGESTIVES!!

My mother has also been telling me that it’s not good to send out to Bridie’s chippy every night for dinner, so I’ve taken her advice and started eating Ryvita and tuna fish crackers at teatime. This is really handy, because it tides me over lovely til I wait for Mickey to make the longer drive over the Golden Fryer in the Waterside instead. Have you heard similar bad reports about Bridie’s? I wonder what the matter is!! I have been buying in lots and lots of diet yogurts, Go Ahead bars and Weight Watchers microwave meals, but no matter how many of them I eat (I mean I don’t even like yogurt but I force myself) I never seem to lose a pound. It’s really frying my head, Majella. Nothing I do seems to work and me heart is broke!

Worse than that, I’m out a fortune and I just can’t keep up with all this for much longer. I’m that bad for money now, I was even considering doing a few hours part-time work in the wee shop round the corner, but I worked out that it wouldn’t be worth my while after I paid for taxis there and back, so I didn’t bother. The bastards are charging £2 minimum fare now, ye know – it’s a fuckin’ disgrace. Anyway Majella, I need your help, what can I do???

Love

Donna, Creggan

Majella says

Ack luv, we’ve all been there, and sometimes the oul diets are hard to get right. My advice would be to get in some exercise when you can – it’s the only surefire way to shift the flab. Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘I haven’t got the time for fancy exercising’ – and I understand this (you don’t have to tell me how good the daytime TV shows are!!). But there are some easy exercises that us independent, free-thinking, intellectual and empowered women of Derry can work into our busy schedules and daily routines to shift the weight.

Some of the exercises that I personally use to stay shipshape include beating around the bush, dodging the issue, hiding the truth, taking a hike, jumping to conclusions, moving the goalposts, running around in circles, side-stepping the issue and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. They are really good, and no one will even know that you are getting exercise!

Majella

Horoscopes

Aries

Fortune favours you this week when you find an unused shipping container down the back of the sofa. Knowing a good business opportunity when you see one, you convert it into a shop and relocate it to a busy Galliagh roadside

Taurus

A visit from an old friend cheers you up this week when they tell you some great news. Their life has turned out even worse than yours! Reinvigorated by the wonder of existence, you tap