The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss

You

INTRODUCTION

Millions of Pet Deaths Every Year—

But Very Little Effective Help

The death of pets affects people all over the world. In the United States alone it is estimated that there are more than 14 million pet deaths each year. Death of a pet is an obvious, heartbreaking loss. Pet loss can occur in many ways, including pets that run away or are surrendered due to financial reasons. These losses combined account for nearly 40 million new grievers every year. Given the dimension of the problem, you’d think that there would be a tremendous number of resources available for those who have lost a beloved pet. But you would be wrong.

As you may have discovered, there is very little effective guidance for grieving pet owners. Yes, there are first-person books in which grieving pet owners describe their pain, sometimes in very poetic language. And yes, there are other books that provide some measure of comfort by helping the griever not feel so alone. And yes, again, there are some support groups where people can talk about the pain they feel in a safe nonjudgmental environment. But those books and groups tend to provide only short-term relief, not the kind of long-term completion of the grief caused by the death of your pet.

Compounding the problem is the fact that friends—and even family—often do not understand or accept the intensity of the grief we feel when our pets die. That sad fact makes many pet grievers isolate from human contact for fear they will be judged.

We have written this book to give you effective guidance in dealing with the death of your pet(s), whether that happened recently or a long time ago. We want you to be able to achieve a sense of completion, rather than resigning yourself to living with pain.

FUR, FEATHERS, FINS, SCALES, OR SHELLS

It’s almost impossible to determine the exact origin of the human-animal bond. It probably began as a mutually beneficial hunting partnership. But the issue of blending skills in order to survive has long been trumped by an even more powerful link—the emotional bond—that ties us to our pets in ways that are sometimes hard to explain to those who just don’t get it.

It may seem that dogs and cats are the focus of this book. But that’s not entirely true. They are the central characters in this book because that reflects our personal experience to a large extent. But our emotional connections are not limited to furry canines or felines. Other body coverings may house the creatures we fall in love with—fur, feathers, fins and scales, or shells.

The bottom line is the heart line between us and another entity, and the degree to which it opens our own hearts. This book is for anyone and everyone who shares or has shared part of their life with a mammal, bird, reptile, fish, amphibian, or even an invertebrate. That covers all of the animal groups, from the commonplace to the exotic.

Many of us grew up with pets, but not every child had that opportunity. For a variety of reasons, some people don’t get a pet until later in life. No matter when or why a pet comes into our life, we all retain the potential to forge a powerful emotional alliance. Others write eloquently about that emotional bond. But that bond is not the primary topic of this book.

The real topic of this book is what happens to us when that bond is severed by death, or disappearance, or even when circumstances force us to rehome our pets and we never get to see them again. Ultimately, the purpose of this book is to help you deal with the grief caused by the physical ending of your relationship with your pet.

ABOUT THE GRIEF RECOVERY INSTITUTE®—ITS FOUNDERS AND BOOKS

We are John W. James, Russell Friedman, and Cole James, and together we represent The Grief Recovery Institute. In the introductions to our other books, we mention that it’s unlikely that a person would wake up one morning and say, Grief, what a concept, I think I’ll make it my life’s work. That is not how it happened for John or Russell. Cole’s story, as you’ll read, is a little bit different.

Here is a brief outline of our lives, the institute, and the evolution of The Grief Recovery Handbook and our other books and articles.

John W. James is the founder of The Grief Recovery Institute and the original creator of the principles and actions of the Grief Recovery Method®. John did not choose the career of helping people deal with loss; it chose him—in a very painful way. In 1977, John and his then-wife had a three-day-old son die. Reeling from the impact of the death of his son, and then from the divorce that followed a few months later, John was forced to deal with the grief that brought him to his knees.

Trapped in pain and unable to get helpful guidance from friends, family, or professionals, John looked for a book that would tell him what he could do to deal with the pain in his heart; but the only books he was able to find were first-person recitations of the pain other grieving people had experienced. John didn’t need to read about anyone else’s pain, he had enough of his own. What he needed was a book that could answer this question: What can I do about it? (This is the same question grieving pet owners ask us.)

John couldn’t find a book that answered that question, because at that time no such book existed.

John’s Personal Recovery Created the Missing Book

Through trial and experimentation, John figured out a series of actions that helped him feel emotionally complete with his son who had died. It soon became obvious that his ability to help himself was valuable to others who were dealing with the death of children or other important people in their lives. John left his construction business and opened The Grief Recovery Institute. At that point, he realized that he could finally write the book he’d never been able to find—the one that answers the question, What can I do about it?

In 1986, John self-published the first edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Rather than being just another book that recites the pain of personal grief, it is a book of actions to help grieving people discover and complete what has been left emotionally unfinished by the death of someone important in their life.

When John began the odyssey that led him out of his emotional wilderness, he went back over all the losses that had affected his life. The first one he recalled was when he was six years old and his beloved dog, Peggy, died. The day she died, John’s parents said, Don’t feel bad, on Saturday we’ll get you a new dog. But John did feel bad, and he didn’t want another dog. That incorrect information, from his parents, who were powerful authority sources to John, negated his normal and natural emotional reaction to the loss and set up the false idea that relationships can simply be replaced like light bulbs.

The story about Peggy’s death, and John’s parents’ guidance, is the cornerstone of the misinformation in the original edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook, and in all subsequent editions. As you will see, it is also a major part of the foundation of this book to help you look at many of the ideas you may have learned about grief to see if they are valuable and helpful for you. If not, we’ll help you discard them and teach you better ways to deal with your grief.

In 1988, Harper & Row published an updated version of The Grief Recovery Handbook, written by John and coauthor Frank Cherry. In 1998, HarperCollins published the revised edition written by John and Russell Friedman. And in 2009, HarperCollins published the 20th anniversary expanded edition, also by John and Russell.

Russell Friedman joined John at The Grief Recovery Institute as a volunteer in 1987. He arrived on the heels of his second divorce and a major financial meltdown that led to bankruptcy. Devastated by that one-two punch of losses, he was having a very difficult time with the emotional roller coaster that had become his day-to-day life. Like John, Russell also feels that he didn’t choose a career in grief recovery, but that it chose him. The circumstances that led him to show up at the institute were totally random, as was the impulse to call John and volunteer the day after attending an event where John was the featured speaker.

Here’s Russell’s version of how it happened: The day after the presentation, I was sitting in my apartment in Hollywood; my car had already been repossessed. As I sat there trying to figure what to do with the rest of my life, I spotted John’s business card, which I’d gotten at the event. I decided to call him to thank him. After John answered the phone, I mentioned that I had been at the event the day before and I wanted to thank him. He said ‘You’re welcome.’ There was a pause, and then my mouth opened and a voice came out of it and said, ‘I want to volunteer to work for you.’ I looked around my apartment and I was the only one there, so it had been me who’d said that. John was quiet on the other end of the phone for a bit and then he said, ‘Well, can you come to the office tomorrow, and we’ll talk?’ Luckily the office was only a few blocks from my apartment so I was able to walk. I went up there the next day, and we talked. The following day, I began working at the institute as a volunteer. I’ve been there ever since.

Of course, when John tells the same story, or at least his side of it, it’s a whole lot simpler and shorter. He just says, Russell came up to the office one day twenty-seven years ago, and he hasn’t left yet. So we became partners, coauthors, and friends.

As for Cole James, if you guessed that John W. James and Cole James are related, you’d be right. We’ll let Cole tell you the story of how and why he is one of the coauthors of this book:

My name is Cole James and I work at The Grief Recovery Institute. I am a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®. My father, John W. James, founded the institute, and I will forever be in awe of what he did for the world. I’ve cheered for my dad and Russell from the sidelines for as long as I can remember.

I never thought of working at the institute—I had other plans for what I was going to do with my life. That was until grief went from theoretical to personal for me. By my midtwenties, I had lost a friend to drunk driving, a cousin to suicide, and all of my grandparents. Last but not least, I’d said my final good-byes to three dogs and one cat.

I was enjoying a successful career working in television when I attended a four-day Grief Recovery Method Certification training. I went partly to see exactly what my dad did, and also because I knew I had some losses that were accumulating in my tummy and they didn’t feel good.

That weekend changed the trajectory of my life. It was so powerful that I couldn’t understand why this information wasn’t available to everyone. I wanted to help spread the message in any way I could. At the end of that four-day training I made plans to give notice at my job and join The Grief Recovery Institute full time. I’m pretty sure that all of my entertainment industry colleagues thought I was crazy when I told them. You’re doing what? That sounds so depressing.

I have been on board now for four years, and I can tell you this work is anything but depressing. It is uplifting. The feeling I get when I’ve been able to guide people to release the pain they’ve been carrying around is indescribable.

Because I’ve had such close relationships with animals my whole life, and because I’ve had to deal with my grief when they died, I