Intellectual Annihilation

‘Not everyone can play a clever girl.  Men for example might struggle.  And that’s half the world’s population.’

‘The eye is attracted to shiny things.  Such as yourself.’

‘And money.  Money is attracted to pretty girls.’

‘So we want to cast you.’

‘If we cast you the money will come to us and we can make the film.’

‘Do you have a problem with nudity?’

‘And sex scenes?’

‘Graphic sex scenes.’

‘And people thinking you’re a lesbian because you played a gay character?’

‘Do sex scenes with another woman concern you?’

‘Because of course we can’t hire you if you’re not willing to do the sex scenes.’

‘There wouldn’t be any point making the movie if we compromised on the sex.  We need a fearless actress who’s willing to do the script as written.  I suppose we could negotiate the content of the scenes, but we don’t want to.’

‘We like how it’s written.  We could compromise but then we would be making a compromised movie right out the gate.  What’s the point of that?’

‘If we compromise so early, then what else are we going to compromise on later?’

‘We’re not artistic cowards.  We decide what we’re going to do and we do it.  The end result is what it is.  If it’s an embarrassing pile of shit, then it’s our embarrassing pile of shit.  If it’s a masterpiece, then it’s our masterpiece.  We’ll take the blame and the praise in equal measures.’

‘We don’t market test our films.  We don’t use focus groups and then re-cut them to the moronic opinions of fifty arseholes.  Arseholes without an artistic bone between the fifty of them.  Why would people who’ve never before had a creative thought in their lives suddenly know more than us about how to make our movies?’

‘We have control.’

‘That’s right.  We have control.’

‘But the control comes at a cost.’

‘We have control but no major studio backing.’

‘None of our films made blockbuster money.  Not the real proper amounts that attract future investors to our projects.’

‘No one has lost a penny on us though.  In the end they always earn it back.  They just don’t make much of a profit.’

‘We could compromise and suck the corporate cock by signing away all our control.  We could make movies for hire.  And we could end up making enjoyable, expensive, glossy movies that we’re not ashamed of.’

‘They might even be quite good.’

‘But until we’re that desperate, we’re going to plough our own field and do our own films.  We have enough capital to get a small film made.’

‘This is fine.’

‘But we recently got our hands on this story.  And it excites us a lot more than the script we were working on.’

‘But it will cost a solid amount of money to do it right.’

‘Without compromise.’

‘So we need a star.’

‘Someone with star wattage to excite the money men, but the acting chops to excite us as well.’

‘We’re not going to just give the lead role to a great pair of tits and a nice smile.’

‘No.  We need someone good.  Someone we can respect.  As an equal.  Someone who will put the effort in to match the quality of the role we’re offering them.’

‘It’s a good role.’

‘A great role really when you think about it.  An Oscar nomination is a certainty if the person who plays it doesn’t suck.  A win is possible.’

‘A remote possibility, but not too farfetched.’

‘But we need an actress with all this going on, and has a willingness to take risks.  The character is a lesbian.  You can’t wink at the audience to tell them that you’re not really.  You need to convince.  We’ve already cast the other part opposite the lead.’

‘Kelly Duval.’

‘She’s great.  So you’ve got to be at least as good as her or she’ll blow you off the screen.’

‘She’s really great.  We’re excited to work with her.’

‘You can’t be lazy.  You can’t phone it in.  If you get complacent she’ll have your lunch and your movie.  Is that what you want?  Her getting the Oscar nomination instead of you.’

‘She’s your co-lead so you’ll be competing for the same awards.’

‘Of course in the script you’re the real lead.  The film is ultimately about Maria.  It’s centred on her.  She’s the one who sleeps with the guy.  So it’s her story.  But what’s on the page might come out differently on the screen.  If Kelly plays Jessica as well as we know she will, then she might...’

‘...steal your lunch and your film.’

‘Exactly.  So you’ve got to put the effort in to at the very least match her.’

‘It will be worth it.  We’re sure of that.  We make oddball cult movies that not many people see.  But they don’t disappear with time.  The big blockbusters fade from memory, but our four previous films have stayed around.  People talk about them.  Argue about them.  Years and years later and they’re not forgotten.’

‘And the right people see them.  Film buffs and industry people.  Critics as well.  They see them and respect them a bit more than the average film.’

‘No matter how bad our movies are; we will always attract some great reviews among the many that slag us off.  We’re guaranteed some excessive praise from somewhere.’

‘No one can agree on anything.  One man’s shit is another man’s gold.’

‘We’ve built up a big enough reputation over the years as uncompromising, arty minded filmmakers that anything we do is automatically taken very seriously.  We are not dismissed.  There are always a few people who will call our failures successes.  They will defend our work in the face of any emperor’s new clothes taunts.’

‘So what we’re saying is – if we fuck up you’re still guaranteed some glowing reviews anyway.’

‘And if we don’t fuck up?  Then expect your legacy to be a lot more solid.  Awards, praise, respect and a five year extension on your fame will come your way.’

‘You can make critical duds and financial bombs for years afterwards before you use up all the good credit from our film.  As you starred in Journey Interrupted by the Intermission people will still hire you.’

‘We’re working on the title by the way.  It’s hard to remember it.  It just doesn’t fall off the tongue like it needs to.  We haven’t found anything better.  But we will.  We’re still looking.’

‘I suppose we should let you in on a little secret about how we found the story.  Our names are the only ones credited on it.  But we didn’t write the novel it’s based on.’

‘It’s a perfect example of what we were talking about.  Reputation.  How important it is in the artistic field.’

‘We didn’t write the novel.  We wrote the script but not the source book.  The story actually comes from a novel someone else wrote.’

‘The name of this person isn’t relevant, as you’ll soon learn.’

‘He published his novel and no one noticed it.  It sat mostly unread and un-reviewed for a year.  He thought it was a good book.  But as he was a no-name nonentity no one gave it the time of day.  So one day he had a moment of inspiration.  He thought to himself that if someone with a big cult reputation and a little bit of fame had put their name on that very same book, then it would be a bestseller and a lot of people would automatically be calling it a masterpiece.’

‘Now most people would grumble about the unfairness of the world and let it go.  Not this guy.  He decided to test his theory.’

‘He committed literary fraud.’

‘He republished the exact same book with the same cover.  The only difference was he took his name off it.  And he put our names on it instead as the authors.’

‘And he was proved right.  Without advertising it the book was discovered, read, reviewed and talked about.  It was straightaway hailed as a minor masterpiece.’

‘As far as literary fraud goes it was a small crime.  He profited off our names using his own work.  We weren’t exactly ripped off as we ourselves didn’t lose any money or had our intellectual property stolen.  It was the opposite of plagiarism.  We had new work we didn’t create attributed to us.’

‘At worst if it was a bad book our reputations might take a small hit.’

‘Surprisingly it turned out to be a very good book.’

‘Not without flaws.  There were a few silly bits and little niggles here and there.’

‘Which we’ve corrected in our script version.’

‘The script is better than the novel.  We really think so.  Our eccentric touch elevates it up a level we think.’

‘Anyway, it took us a few weeks to be alerted to the imposter book on the market.’

‘We weren’t concerned.  More amused than anything else by the gall of the man.  What balls to get ahead by such methods.’

‘Impressively strange and proactive.’

‘So we read the reviews and heard the general tone of the chatter.’

‘People liked it.  It was doing no harm to our reputations.’

‘I wouldn’t say it enhanced it much, but it wasn’t detracting from it.’

‘So now we were acclaimed novelists as well as filmmakers.’

‘We liked that.’

‘We tracked down the imposter and struck a deal with him.  We wouldn’t sue if he gave us the copyright.’

‘We kindly let him keep the money he’d already made.’

‘We gave the book to a proper publisher, collected a nice advance and adapted it into our new screenplay.’

‘This brings us up to here.’

‘His name isn’t included on the script because technically, legally, we wrote the novel.  He can try and claim his authorship back, but who’ll believe him and his crackpot story?’

‘We’ll just say we first released it under a pseudonym to test the waters before the real publication.  By coincidence the name we picked was the same as his.  And now he’s trying to cash in on it.’

‘The lazy bastard should try writing his own book instead of stealing our hard labour.’

‘Plagiarism is terrible.’

‘So that’s the saga of the novel.  As we were saying, we are seriously considering casting you.  We’ve seen your work and we see potential in you to deliver a great performance as Maria.’

‘We know it will be a hard sell with your agents and managers.  It doesn’t make great business sense today in the short term.  I’m sure you can get a big blockbuster that pays way more, has a massive ad campaign and won’t involve doing any real acting.’

‘But in the long term this role, this movie, will pay for itself.  It’s an investment for the future.’

‘It will help you stay around longer once you’re no longer the shiny new thing in town.’

‘People are fickle.  They all love you today.  But in a few years they’ll find the new you and you won’t be getting the job offers like you’re getting now.’

‘Make a movie of substance.’

‘Such as Journey Interrupted.’

‘And the offers will last longer.’

‘Use your fame to make something worthwhile.’

‘You need a few good films on your CV if you want to be more than a here today, gone tomorrow flash in the pan.’

‘Play Maria.  Do the lesbian love scenes.  Make something that people remember.’

‘Make something that impresses people.’

‘Make something of substance.’

‘Make something of your life.’

‘Make our movie.  We build to last.  The film will outlive us all.’

––––––––

‘Do you want to do it?’ asked my agent.

‘I’m very tempted,’ I said.  ‘They sold it really well as an interesting project.  They basically insulted me over and over and then offered me a chance to stop being such a joke.’  Why do women respond so well to being treated like shit?  Was it because it’s more challenging having to win them over?  Or did I just like bad boys because they weren’t boring.  I mean really, why did I like bastards so much?  Their sales pitch was all the more effective when they showed me such discourtesy.  I was intrigued.  Very intrigued.

I asked my manager, ‘Should I do it?  There isn’t much money in it.  If they can even get it financed.  All I can get out of it is acclaim.  I’m not sure if I really care all that much about being taken seriously.  Do you think it’s a good career move?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said.  ‘It probably wouldn’t do any harm to shed the squeaky clean image and make a dirty independent feature.  You’ve got a husband and a kid so you don’t have to worry about lesbian rumours.  Maybe it’s not such a bad idea.  What do you think?’

‘I’m very tempted.  They doubt I can hold my own against Kelly Duval, but I don’t see why I can’t go head to head with her.  Should I do it?’

‘I don’t know.  Tell you what, why don’t we let the cards decide?’

‘Have you got them with you?’

‘Always.’

He collected his briefcase from the floor beside his chair and placed it on the conference table.  He opened it and produced a deck of tarot cards.  They were wrapped in greaseproof kitchen paper with a red rubber band around them.  He unwrapped the cards and gave them a quick shuffle.  After they were reorganised he held them up for me to select one.

I pulled out a card from just above the middle.  Turning it over I found myself looking at the death card.  ‘What does that mean?’ I asked as I showed it to him.

‘I don’t know.  I really should get around to reading the instructions one of these days.’

‘It doesn’t actually mean death does it?’

‘No.  It means change or something.  Although I’m reading it to mean you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  So you might as well do it.’

‘Is