Why Cheaters Cheat

Why Cheaters Cheat

Infidelity from the cheater’s point of view

Tony George

Copyright © 2016 by Tony George

Smashwords Edition

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Disclaimer

The opinions and views provided in Why Cheaters Cheat are not intended as medical, legal or psychological advice. All information is provided for general information and entertainment purposes only. The opinions and content contained herein are not to be used as a substitute for individual therapies, professional mental health or medical services. As laws, details and personal situations vary from person to person and state to state, content contained herein are not and cannot to be used as a substitute for legal, parental, health, mental health, career or financial advice.

Contents

Introduction

Understanding The Basics Of Infidelity

Infidelity Excuses & Rationalizations

Relationship Issues

Excuse 1: You Made Me Do It

Excuse 2: As Faithful As My Options

Excuse 3: A Little Something For You

Excuse 4: It’s Human Nature

Excuse 5: It Just Happened

The Pathology Of Infidelity

Emotional Immaturity

Excuses And Triggers

Negative Socialization

Pornography And Promiscuity

No Moral Stop Sign

Collateral Damage

A Cheater’s Plan To Do Better

Then The Relapse

Will Your Partner Cheat Again?

Bibliography

INTRODUCTION

Learning that your partner (husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend) has been unfaithful is like a sucker punch to the gut. First there’s the loss of emotional equilibrium as you attempt to mentally reconcile the discontinuity in your life. You question what is going on, did I really see what I thought I saw. As the mind begins to recognize the truth of your discovery, you then feel a gripping pain that can literally knock you off your feet.

Although shocked by the realization that your partner is a cheater, a liar, a philanderer, recent analysis suggests that maybe you shouldn’t be surprised. That infidelity is actually a fairly common occurrence. In fact, a study by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy revealed that 57 percent of men and 54 percent of women acknowledge committing at least one instance of sexual infidelity.[1]

While some might view the magnitude of this assessment with a degree of skepticism, whether the study findings are exactly accurate or not, the indisputable conclusion is that a large number of people cheat. I know this to be true because I was first unfaithful as a teenager and infidelity played a role in practically every one of my relationships thereafter. So while not surprised by the pervasiveness of infidelity, I was astonished that close to half of the population maintains a commitment to fidelity even in the face of temptation and relationship dysfunction.

These are people likely experiencing the same problems as cheaters, yet they remain faithful. Which leads to the question, What is it about this second group that sets them apart? Are they simply better people? Have they by some stroke of fate avoided the issues that cause dysfunction and conflict in most other relationships? In other words, why do some people cheat while others remain true? Or to get personal you might ask, why did he or she cheat on me?

If you’ve been the victim of a cheater, the inescapable fact is that you need to know why your partner was unfaithful. While you might say that you don’t care, life has convinced me that hurt feelings buried alive (without explanation) do not die. They fester; creating a lingering dissatisfaction and an inability to move on. For the victim of infidelity, an explanation must be had; and not the lame excuses too often proffered by the cheater when pressed for answers.

Excuses Not Answers

When initially confronted a typical response from the cheater seems like an attempt to audition excuses to find one that will stick. Frequently, the first step is to rationalize the indiscretions as inconsequential, It didn’t mean anything baby, I love you. That was laughable because in some cases it was the text messages or social media posts professing his love to the other woman that were the basis for his undoing. So if this story is to be believed, he must have been lying to his side chick about his feelings in addition to being deceitful with you.

A second approach to minimizing the significance of sexual infidelity is attempted by suggesting that it was a one-time encounter. But from the victim’s perspective, whether it was once or 100 times, it was the emotional infidelity that served as the source of greatest frustration. Everything about your relationship appeared to be working. You were in love and had plans to share a life together. Sexual compatibility was never a problem; you were always both a lady in the street and his freak in the sheets.

So with another excuse that didn’t stick, he sought to blame you saying he did it because you never have time for him. You’re always busy with the kids.

As one who cheated in practically every relationship since middle school, I know from experience that avoidance of personal responsibility is a primary objective when facing the why question, even if that means making the victim the scapegoat. So when blame is directed at you the victim, the insecurities that reside in the subconscious mind may cause you to pause and consider the validity of this accusation.

The truth is you are actively engaged with two small toddlers or a demanding job or supporting aging parents or whatever life stress you have and sometimes you lack the energy for mind blowing, hanging from the ceiling fan, sexual gymnastics. Fortunately, you quickly gain perspective and realize it doesn’t feel right that you are somehow responsible for his (or her) infidelity. Being angry or discouraged because of problems in the relationship is understandable. What’s perplexing is the use of these issues to justify infidelity. Early on, you’d sensed an emotional distancing and asked what’s wrong? You wanted to fix it but were told repeatedly, it was nothing.

After rejecting a litany of ridiculous excuses, it soon becomes clear that you’re not going to get a straight answer from your cheating partner. Still frustrated, you might have sought advice from your friends, which likely left you even more confused. Far too often what you hear from them is all men are dogs. And then what? If this is the reality, it gives men an excuse because they are simply doing what men do because of their nature. And if the cheater is female, having your friends label her a slut does little to alleviate your pain or provide true understanding.

Despite a lifelong history of infidelity, I longed for a relationship rooted in trust, commitment and love. When I got married I believed that’s what I had finally found but within a few years I was back to a pattern of behavior that even I didn’t understand.

Though I made dozens of personal declarations to stop cheating; each was met with disappointment and inevitable relapse. After reading every available resource I could find, I came to realize that I’d never discover answers on my own and therefore sought out professional assistance. Yet even with the support of a licensed marriage and family therapist who guided me through a regimen of intensive weekly counseling sessions, I continued to struggle with infidelity.

I was totally frustrated by the snail’s pace of change in my behavior, in spite of the encouragement of my therapist. Even more so when she made a proclamation that seemed totally implausible.

Tony, sometimes life puts us through difficulties so that we can learn how to be a voice of wisdom for others. You probably won’t agree but I’m convinced that one day you will have a testimony to share. God always has a plan for our lives even when we don’t see it ourselves.

Linda L., MSW

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

At the time this prediction seemed almost laughable. I was nearly four months into weekly therapy sessions and for the first time in my life, I’d finally come to understand why I cheated. With Linda’s guidance, I had even begun the work necessary to effect sustainable change in my behavior. Yet despite it all, her confidence still seemed misguided. Not only was I a work in progress, I had yet to fully extricate myself from my most recent adulterous relationship. Clearly, my life was antithetical to fidelity and commitment. How could I possibly be a source of wisdom for others?

Many years later, with Linda’s prophesy long ago forgotten, I stood in line at Macy’s awaiting my opportunity to purchase a Christmas gift. The two women ahead of me were involved in an animated discussion of how a mutual friend had learned that her husband had been sleeping with a coworker for several years. While I frowned at their lack of discretion, that didn’t deter my decision to ear hustle. So I stood quietly and pretended to read email on my iPhone while surreptitiously listening to their conversation.

According to the story teller, her advice to their friend was to leave the cheating husband because he was a selfish bastard who only cared about himself and his sexual needs. Reflecting on my personal struggles from the past, I thought here’s a woman looking for answers and advice and what she gets in response is a meager insult. Now I understand the friend was no expert, but this response was woefully inadequate. Sure, the husband’s behavior was selfish, even reprehensible. But to close the book by characterizing years of amoral behavior with a mere slur minimizes a serious behavioral and possibly emotional problem.

The demonization of the husband, though warranted, fell short of providing the wife with meaningful guidance in understanding the husband’s behavior or advice for avoiding a repeat of this situation in the future. She needed to move on with her life, and the statement seemed more a validation of the victim’s anger than offering counsel and support. Left with limited insight to explain why her husband cheated, her choices were to stay with a man who might cheat yet again or divorce him with a high probability of picking another unfaithful man.

Now before you question the implication of this last statement, let me clarify. I’m not suggesting that this book or any other can legitimately claim privy to offering a predictive model for infidelity. What I am saying, however, is that not all men or women cheat. But among those who do, there are a number of similarities in attitude and behavior, and understanding some of the factors that contribute to a tendency to be unfaithful is important.

A Path To Truth

Although many affairs go undiscovered, when exposed, infidelity often triggers a proverbial tailspin of emotions for the victim — shock, confusion, self-doubt, even rage. How could someone you trusted, a person who freely confessed an unwavering commitment to your relationship, the one individual with whom you had openly shared your heart and dreams, so easily betray you?

To fully appreciate what’s happening, you need an unbiased second opinion…and that’s where Why Cheaters Cheat comes in. There’s an old saying that it takes one to know one.

As a prolific and now reformed cheater, I understand the why experience from the inside out and can provide clarity to the question that for many victims of infidelity often goes unanswered. That’s not to say that because I or anyone else has been unfaithful they we are endowed with an intuitive