Defining Me

Chapter One

The usual post-show high flowed through Courtney’s veins as she took a bow alongside the rest of the cast. The roar in the room was nearly deafening as Courtney soaked it in. She closed her eyes, focusing on the excitement of the moment, the volume of the screams and applause, the smell of the flowers someone thrust into her arms.

Everything was as it had been a thousand times over the last four years, but completely different at the same time. It was different because it all came with an undercurrent of sadness, as well as anticipation for what was to come. A part of her wished she could freeze the moment in time, but she knew that wasn’t possible.

As she stepped off the stage, a feeling of disbelief washed over her. Before she could get too lost in the sensation, a voice rang through the din that usually followed a performance. Courtney shook her head and searched the crowd that bustled around as the person she sought came into focus.

Santiago! She waved her arms to direct his attention to where she stood, just beyond the stage door.

She watched as he made his way through the crowd, sidestepping some people while saying something to others before they moved to allow him through. A warm feeling settled over her as he drew closer. Not far behind him were her parents, followed by his. She smiled at them as they approached, glad that they’d all been able to make it.

As Santiago came closer, a sudden wave of anxiety took the place of the warmth. She had some big news to give him, and she was worried about how he’d take it. She pushed the feeling aside, going into the observer mode Miss Wilson, the woman she’d been working with ever since a breakdown years ago, taught her.

He swept her into his arms, hugging her tight. You were amazing out there. It was like there was a whole other person on stage tonight.

Thanks, she said as she returned the embrace. She allowed herself a moment to enjoy the feeling before pulling back to acknowledge the rest of their group. Hi, Mom, Dad. Hi, Mrs. Soraya, Mr. Tomas. I’m really glad you all could come.

Courtney, you know we wouldn’t miss any of your shows, her mother said. I just wish we’d been able to get to this one before closing night.

It’s okay, she said. I hope you all liked it.

"Si, Mr. Martinez said. As Santiago said, you were exceptional. I’m glad we came."

The praise filled her with warmth. Even after Santiago’s assurances years ago, she was still somewhat intimidated by his parents. When she’d first met him, she’d had no idea how high up his parents were in the organization — and how dedicated. She sometimes felt completely inadequate next to them and wondered why they were so accepting of her. Especially since Santiago had gone against the rules for her a couple of times.

I hate to run, Mrs. Soraya said, but we really should get going. We’re supposed to be meeting with some people in the morning, and we need to prepare still.

Courtney leaned in to give the woman a hug. It’s all right. Thanks for coming.

"De nada, she replied. We’ll see you at our house Friday, ¿verdad?"

I’ll be there, Courtney promised.

They exchanged goodbyes and Courtney waved as her boyfriend’s parents left the backstage area. Her parents soon followed suit, leaving her alone with Santiago. Well, if one didn’t count the cast still hanging out as they celebrated the last night of the play’s run.

Courtney led Santiago to the catering tables. They spent the next couple of hours chatting with the cast and snacking. She savored every moment of it, partially wanting to delay the conversation that was coming once she and Santiago were alone.

I really hope he’s going to be happy about this.

The idea that he wouldn’t be happy was upsetting, but it wouldn’t change anything. She’d made up her mind, and nothing was going to sway her.

As the crowd dwindled, Courtney summoned her courage and decided to get it over with. Why don’t we go ahead and leave? This party’s practically dead, anyway.

Sounds good, he agreed. Where do you want to go?

Why don’t we go to my place?

He nodded. Okay.

Something in his tone made her wonder if he was suspicious, but he didn’t ask her any questions. She was grateful for that, because she didn’t want to have an audience around for this. Great. I’ll just be a minute. I have to go wash this gunk off my face and return the costume. A pang accompanied the thought of returning it.

He just nodded, and the knot in her stomach grew worse.

He knows something’s up.

As she went through her post-show routine, she ran over what she wanted to say once they were alone. When she was sure she had her thoughts in order, Courtney took a last glimpse at the dressing room she’d been using for the past few months and then headed for the door. On her way out, she couldn’t resist swiping a necklace that had been part of her costume.

Chapter Two

Courtney and Santiago arrived in her apartment only minutes after she’d left the dressing room. She turned to face him. I’ll be back in a sec. Can I bring you anything to drink?

No, I’m good.

Okay. She gestured to the couch. Why don’t you wait there? I want to put my stuff away.

He nodded, taking a seat. She could practically feel his eyes on her as she made her exit. If she’d been hoping not to arouse suspicion, she was doing a crap job of it. For some reason, he was the only person in the world she couldn’t lie to. He could read her so well, it was almost frightening. At the same time, it was the one of the things she loved most about him. There were no secrets between them. No need to pretend to be something she wasn’t. He’d accepted her misgivings about his work, the work she was technically supposed to be doing, without a second thought. There were times she almost felt unworthy of that.

As soon as she returned to the living room, Santiago stood and embraced her. He planted a kiss on her forehead. I meant it when I said you were amazing before. There was something so different about you tonight.

She felt as though he were seeing right through her. She blushed. Thanks. There’s a reason for that.

He gave her a questioning look. Yeah?

Yeah. The reason is, this was my last show.

I know. The sign outside said, ‘closing night,’ and we were talking about it before. Confusion tinged his words.

No, I don’t mean the last show for this production. I mean that this was my last one, period. Well… except for maybe a one-time thing here or there.

He scrunched his face as he studied her. She could practically see her words sinking in. Why? The confusion suddenly turned to concern as he asked, Are you okay?

Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that things have changed, and acting’s just not going to be able to fit into the picture anymore.

I’m not getting you, Mia. Why wouldn’t it fit in anymore? This is what you love.

His nickname brought a sense of confidence. Because tomorrow, I’m going to see Mr. Warner to tell him I want to come back full-time.

His eyes nearly bugged out of his head at her words. You’re kidding me.

No, not at all. I’m planning to talk to him about it in the morning.

He frowned. This isn’t because I asked you—

It has nothing to do with that, she assured him. I know your family doesn’t care, but I do. I’ve been running for way too long. It’s time now. I want to know about my parents, and I want to do what they did.

But you love what you do so much. Are you really sure you just want to give it up?

She took his hand, leading him back to the couch. She sat down and tugged lightly on his arm for him to join her. Once they were both seated, she turned to face him and met his gaze.

I do love it. The thing is, as much as I do, it’s just not enough anymore. There are times when I’m standing on that stage and I feel so awful. I ask myself how I can be doing this when you’re out there risking your life.

"Mi amor—"

"I know what you’re going to say. You may as well not bother because my mind is made up. I have to do this. I can feel it deep in my gut. I’m here for a reason, and this is it."

He nodded. If you’re positive this is really what you want, I’m with you on it.

I am.

He smiled. I’m still not sure what changed your mind so suddenly, but I have to say that I’m glad it did. Do you want me to come with you?

That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.

He raised an eyebrow, nodding for her to continue.

I was actually going to ask you to, because I’m telling Mr. Warner that I want to work with you. You’re the person I trust the most, and it just doesn’t feel right to work with anyone else.

His smile wavered a moment. With me?

Yes, of course. Who else would I want to work with? 

Santiago frowned. I really don't think Warner will go for that after everything that happened before. 

Because of what they did? How messed up I was before? Why should that mean anything? It's been five years, Santiago. There really shouldn't be any reason for them to object. Besides, your parents worked together, and I'm positive mine did too, so it's not like there isn't a history.

That's true. 

So, he should have no problem with it. And even so.... well, you have influence, right? That should take care of the problem.

Mia, you aren't seriously asking that, are you? 

Why not? She frowned, confused by the tone in his voice. I’m not asking you to pull strings, exactly. I just want a fair chance. 

You deserve one, for sure. I think it's great that you want to return, but... 

You just don't want it to be with you. Why? 

His eyes strayed to the floor, an uncomfortable silence taking over the room. Her stomach lurched and her throat tightened.

Answer me honestly. Her tone rose as she crossed her arms.

The things I get involved in... they're much more dangerous than what you did before. I don't want you to get involved in it.

Are you kidding? Santiago, what is this? A double standard? I get to sit around worrying about you for five years, and that's okay, but if you have to worry about me, it's not? 

"That's not it, exactly. Mi amor, I wish I could explain it, but I can't. It's complicated." 

Try. I thought we had no more secrets between us.

He stood and crossed the room, his shoulders tensed. I know. It’s just… this is different.

You’re acting like you don’t trust me. 

Her words hung in the air between them, tearing her heart into pieces. It’s like I don’t even know him right now. How can I marry him if I don’t know him?

Santiago sighed. You won't like what I have to say. 

As long as you're honest with me, that's all I care about. What's the problem? Why were you so happy about my decision until I said I wanted to be paired with you? Why is it okay for you to be in danger, but not me?

Because there's something you don't know, and I'm not allowed to speak about it. Just... give me a day, okay? 

One day. That's all. 

That's all I'll need. In the meantime, don't tell anyone we had this conversation. In fact... don't go to see Warner until we talk. Okay? 

She raised an eyebrow in surprise, but nodded. I won't. 

Thanks. With that, he stood and headed for the door. I'll be back the same time tomorrow. 

Okay. She watched him leave, suddenly wondering what she got herself into.

Chapter Three

Santiago appeared in the warehouse his group worked out of, glancing around. It was mostly quiet. He only saw a few people milling about, and only one actually appeared to be working on something. The guy sat bent over a table, studying several photos and documents that were strewn about the surface.

He made his way through the open area, heading for a simple metal staircase that led to the top floor. He couldn’t get the conversation with Courtney out of his head. The obvious hurt in her eyes when he’d tried to discourage her from teaming up with him stung, as did the confusion and frustration in her voice as she begged him for an honest answer. He just didn’t know if he could give it.

She’s going to hate me if I don’t.

The thought shouldn’t have bothered him so much, but it did. She seemed to be the one person who could get under his skin in such a way, and he knew that wasn’t good for his job.

He almost laughed at the reaction he was sure to get upstairs if anyone knew exactly how he was feeling. They’d wonder what happened to him, no doubt, and would most likely give him all kinds of hell for being a wuss.

He reached the landing and opened the door to the meeting room. As he stepped inside, he saw everyone else was already there and waiting. He was relieved; that meant he could get right down to business.

Okay, here’s the story: Courtney told me she wants to come back full-time, and she wants to work with me. She’s demanding to know why I tried to talk her out of it.

You didn’t tell her anything, did you?

Santiago rolled his eyes at the question. Of course, I didn’t tell her, Rob, that’s why I’m here now. I’m requesting I bring her in. I want to tell her the truth, and see how she feels about this. I’ve already spoken to Daniels, and he said he’d allow it as long as you all agree. I’ll be taking full responsibility.

I don’t think that’s a good idea. We’re talking about the same girl that the enemy nearly did a transfer on. She’s unstable, and I don’t think she’s fit, said another.

I understand why you’re worried, Ken, Santiago countered. Yes, they did try that on her, but that was a long time ago. For the past year, she’s been helping Wilson part-time and she’s doing a good job. She’s strong, she’s stubborn, and I’ve never seen her more fired up about something as she was when she said she wanted us to work together. I think she’ll be an asset, and Daniels is interested in her.

And if she doesn’t like what you have to say? Rob narrowed his eyes at Santiago.

Relax; she’s not going to be a problem.

How are you so sure?

"Because she trusts me, and she’s loyal. She won’t tell anyone a thing if I ask her not to. You know me, guys. I