How To Be An Introvert In An Extrovert World

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Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

—Aristotle

How To Use The Word Introvert

There’s a lot of confusion about what exactly an introvert is. Partly this is because there are different ways the word is used.

1. Common Definitions

In common usage, introverted is often used as a synonym for shy. But as any introvert knows, these are not the same things at all. I, for one, am rather an extreme introvert, but I’m not particularly shy. (We talk more about this in How To Tell The Difference Between Introversion And Shyness.)

2. Jung

Renowned psychoanalyst Carl Jung wrote of introverts as people who lose energy during social interaction, while extroverts gain energy from being with others. According to Jung, most people are a mix of the two — anyone who was purely one or the other would be in the lunatic asylum (his words, not mine!).

Although there’s some evidence for Jung’s energy distinction, it’s not quite what psychologists mean when they talk about the introversion-extroversion continuum.

3. MBTI

The hugely popular Myers-Briggs Type Indicator extends aspects of Jung’s theories and classifies sixteen personality types. Most people enjoy identifying their profile and learning about the implications for their personal and work life. I — an INTJ — sure do.

However, the MBTI does not meet psychologists’ requirements for a statistically valid and psychometrically sound personality test.

4. Psychology

Psychologists conceive of introverts as being sensitive to stimulation — noise, people, lights, everything. Because of this sensitivity, introverts are easily over-stimulated and become uncomfortable with too much input. This explains why many introverts avoid parties and crowds and enjoy simpler, smaller pleasures. Why they cancel plans and crave personal space. Why they register everything that’s going on and feel exhausted by it all.

Extroverts, by contrast, tend to need a higher level of stimulation to feel comfortable. For them, plenty of people around and lots going on feels good. Too little stimulation can be unpleasant.

According to psychological research, the tendency toward introversion or extroversion is biologically based and appears to be relatively stable throughout life.

This is not to say that people are born one defined way and stay the same forever. We are all affected by life experiences, different environments, and countless other factors — human psychology is not simple! But there does appear to be a tendency toward introversion or extroversion that’s relatively fundamental to our personalities. And understanding this can help us to know ourselves better, to be kinder to ourselves and others, and to enjoy greater happiness.

Because psychologists look to evidence and research to back up their theories, and because my background is psychology, the psychological approach to introversion is the one I take in this book.

How To Understand The Psychology Of Introverts

If you’ve just picked up this book, you may be wondering what exactly being an introvert means and how to make sense of an introvert personality in an extrovert world. Or you may be wondering what you should have for lunch, which is also a fair and at times troubling question. Either way, I have answers for you (get the burger).

We are all Individuals (I’m not)

Many subjects in psychology focus on what people have in common. Perception, cognition, developmental psychology, neuropsychology, social psychology, even psychopathology — they all look at what’s the same about us.

But personality psychology, the rebel of the psychology world, is concerned with our individual psychological differences.

The kinds of questions personality psychologists are interested in are:

How are people different: is there a set of dimensions on which people differ?

How is an individual unique: can this be scientifically described?

Isn’t Personality just for Bad Hair Days?

You could say your personality is made up of those individual differences that are:

Psychological — as opposed to say, cultural, biological, intellectual, age-related differences

Enduring — consistent-ish over time and situations, rather than moods or emotions that come and go

General patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving — versus specific attitudes or habits.

In the 1930s psychologists tried to figure out how these individual differences might be structured, what the set of dimensions of individual difference might be. (If we were lipsticks, for example, they were looking for aspects like the shade, matte-versus-gloss-ness, degree of pigment, moisturizing quality.)

They began with a dictionary, and searched for all the various adjectives used to describe people. Yep, really! And it makes sense — can you think of a better starting point?

They then subjected these descriptive words to a cunning statistical method called factor analysis, which allowed them to cull many overlapping descriptors down to underlying, fundamental dimensions.

Over decades it emerged that many studies by different researchers using various data, samples, and assessment methods all yielded the same five dimensions (though different researchers had given them different names). These factors showed considerable reliability and validity (i.e., were psychometrically sound) and also stayed pretty stable throughout adulthood. They were called the Big Five because the dimensions were broad and abstract, each subsuming many narrower traits within it.

The idea was, by identifying a person’s position on each of these five dimensions, you could get a decent sense of their personality. Not a set-in-stone, perfect-predictor, know-the-person-inside-out sense. Just a rough map of what made this person’s psychological terrain different from someone else’s. How people differed, and what made them unique.

Today these five factors represent general scientific consensus on personality structure.

Five Things about YOU

So, what are these personality traits?

As you read these, remember they are dimensions. You’ll fall somewhere along a scale, not 100 percent at one end or the other.

Also remember that there’s no value judgment attached. They are essentially the product of statistical analysis — nobody is looking down their binomial distribution at you.

1. Extroversion

Although Jung coined the term to describe a tendency to focus on external rather than internal experiences, the modern psychological meaning of extroversion is broader. It encompasses sociability, energy, activity, sensation-seeking, interpersonal dominance, and a tendency to experience positive emotional states. Research suggests the tendency toward introversion or extroversion is biologically based.

A person high in extroversion could be described as sociable, assertive, enthusiastic, energetic, forceful, talkative.

A person low in extroversion, i.e., an introverted person, could be described as quiet, reserved, retiring.

2. Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects cooperativeness, altruism, and compliance. At the other end of the scale is a more calculating, hostile, competitive nature.

3. Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness is largely concerned with goal-directedness and impulse control. At the low end of the scale is impulsiveness and present-orientation.

4. Neuroticism

Neuroticism is a tendency to experience negative emotions including anger, sadness, shame and embarrassment. It does not imply mental disorder. At the other end of the scale is emotional stability, or coping well with stress.

5. Openness to experience

Openness to experience relates to the complexity of a person’s mental, experiential, and even aesthetic life. At the other end is conventionality and conservatism.

Discovering your own Personal Personality

There are personality tests that can identify where you fall on each of these dimensions. Such tests will give you pretty much the same answer over time, and whether self-rated or other-rated, they’re hard to cheat, they’re good at predicting behavior, and they get at something that’s real about personality.

But I suspect just by reading the descriptions above you’ve formed a fair idea of where you fall on each of these dimensions. Or at least you’ve recognized the dimensions on which you’d score high or low. The personality tests ask you to rate yourself on these kinds of descriptors anyway.

When I read the descriptions I would say I’m:

Extroversion: very low — like, sub-basement

Agreeableness: somewhere in the middle

Conscientiousness: pretty high — borderline pedant

Openness to Experience: very high

Attractiveness: Off the scale high … Wait, was that not one of them?

Having done the (kind of exhausting) test several times, I know this self-assessment is pretty much spot-on.

What you need to know about the Introvert Personality

As an introvert, or as someone who wants to better understand the introvert(s) in your life, you can now see how the introvert’s tendency toward a quiet reserve is part of their psychological make-up. It’s one of five fundamental dimensions of individual difference. It’s at the core of how we humans differ.

So why do you need to know that? What does it mean?

Well, it doesn’t mean you have to take a fatalistic view of yourself and feel you’re stuck being a particular way. Certainly people can and do change over time, and most likely there’s a range along each dimension where you can move and still be you. For example, you can indulge yourself and let your mind run away with you and lean in toward neuroticism, or you can be proactive and work on improving your coping skills and move to the more emotionally stable end of your personal range (something I’m always working on).

It doesn’t mean you should compare yourself with others and feel inferior. You aren’t like the extrovert and you genuinely don’t like parties and you truly enjoy quiet evenings in. It’s simply a way you’re different — it’s not a failing!

It also doesn’t mean you have to listen to the well-meaning advice of others who tell you to come out of your shell. You can learn what makes you happy, what feels right for you, and know that it’s perfectly okay if others don’t understand. In fact you shouldn’t expect them to understand — their personality is different!

And this is what’s so great about personality psychology. By understanding what makes us different, we can appreciate these differences — both in ourselves and in others.

We can stop judging — both ourselves and others.

We can be kinder and more accepting — toward both ourselves and others.

We can say, Hey, that’s just how it is for me, you, him, her, them …

And with this perspective, we can support one another to each be happy in our own, individual, different way.

How To Tell The Difference Between Introversion And Shyness

There are many misconceptions about introverts. A common one is that introversion and shyness are essentially the same thing. In fact, if you google introverted definition you’ll see shy as the first synonym. But psychologically speaking, being an introvert is not the same as being shy.

What is Introversion?

Introverts tend to be easily overstimulated by external environments, people, noise, lights, that kind of thing. They therefore prefer quiet and solitude.

What is Shyness?

By contrast shy people are timid around others and often fear how they’ll be judged. Consequently, they tend to be reticent about putting themselves out there where people may form a negative opinion about them.

Can you be both?

There is definite overlap, where people are both introverted and shy, though the extent of the overlap remains unclear.

Venn diagrams to the rescue!

If you love Venn diagrams — and honestly, who doesn’t? — then you’ll be happy to know that a handy explanatory Venn diagram follows.

As the Venn diagram shows:

Some people (me included) are introverted but not shy — we aren’t especially worried about others’ negative opinions, but we do like our quiet and solitude.

Some people are shy but not introverted — not particularly vulnerable to external stimulation but concerned about how they are judged and cautious about exposing themselves to judgment.

Some people are both shy and introverted. This is the overlapping part, the intersection.

People not falling into any of the above categories are neither introverted nor shy.

Has this reawakened your long-forgotten love of Venn diagrams? If so, I’ll leave you guys alone …

How To Tell The Difference Between Introversion And Social Anxiety

Is an introvert simply a person with social anxiety? The short answer is: nope.

The slightly longer, but still interesting answer follows.

4 Major Differences between Introversion and Social Anxiety

1. Introversion is a Personality Trait/Social Anxiety is a Disorder

Introversion is a personality trait. Or more correctly, an overarching term to describe a collection of mini personality traits. It’s biologically based and part of your inherent make-up.

Social anxiety disorder is classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical