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    For This We Left Egypt?: A Passover Haggadah for Jews and Those Who Love Them
    For This We Left Egypt?: A Passover Haggadah for Jews and Those Who Love Them
    For This We Left Egypt?: A Passover Haggadah for Jews and Those Who Love Them
    Ebook136 pages1 hour

    For This We Left Egypt?: A Passover Haggadah for Jews and Those Who Love Them

    By Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel and Adam Mansbach

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    The book you hold before you is no ordinary Haggadah. If you’ve ever suffered through a Seder, you’re well aware of the fact that the entire evening can last as long as the exodus from Egypt itself. There are countless stories, dozens of blessings, and far too many handwashings while the meal turns cold. Now prepare to be entertained by another version of the book that’s responsible for this interminable tradition.

    With this hilarious parody Haggadah from the comedic minds of Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel, and Adam Mansbach, good Jews everywhere will no longer have to sit (and sleep) through a lengthy and boring Seder. In For This We Left Egypt?, the authors will be take you through every step of the Seder, from getting rid of all the chametz in your home by setting it on fire with a kosher blowtorch to a retelling of the Passover story starring Pharaoh Schmuck and a burning bush that sounds kind of like Morgan Freeman, set against the backdrop of the Promised Land—which turned out not to be a land of milk and honey but rather one of rocks and venomous scorpions the size of Yorkshire terriers. You then eat a celebratory brisket and wrap up the whole evening by taking at least forty-five minutes to say good-bye to everyone.

    So gather all the Jews in your life (even the few who don’t appear to be long-suffering) and settle in for a fun way to pass the time while waiting for Elijah to show up.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMacmillan Publishers
    Release dateMar 7, 2017
    ISBN9781250110220
    Author

    Dave Barry

    Dave Barry is the author of more bestsellers than you can count on two hands, including Swamp Story, Lessons from Lucy, Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys, Dave Barry Turns Forty, and Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up. A wildly popular syndicated columnist best known for his booger jokes, Barry won the 1988 Pulitzer Prize for commentary. He lives in Miami.

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      Book preview

      For This We Left Egypt? - Dave Barry

      Begin Reading

      Table of Contents

      About the Authors

      Copyright Page

      Thank you for buying this

      Flatiron Books ebook.

      To receive special offers, bonus content,

      and info on new releases and other great reads,

      sign up for our newsletters.

      Or visit us online at

      us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup

      For email updates on Dave Barry, click here.

      For email updates on Alan Zweibel, click here.

      For email updates on Adam Mansbach, click here.

      The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.

      This book is dedicated to the Jewish people,

      who have a great sense of humor,

      we hope.

      INTRODUCTION

      WHAT IS THE HAGGADAH?

      By Rabbi Schmooley Weiskopf

      The book you hold before you contains the liturgy for the Seder service on this festival of Passover—or, as reform Jews sometimes call it, Chanukah. It tells the story of our people’s slavery in Egypt, their release from bondage, and their mass exodus to the Promised Land. It is a much-beloved book, steeped in tradition and replete with prayers and songs of celebration in addition to fun pictures of inedible food and deadly plagues.

      Yet what has confounded rabbis and been a source of much theological debate through the centuries is the word Haggadah itself. What does it mean?

      Some have contended that it does not have a definition, that the word itself defines the text—just as the word kneecap has no other meaning than, well, kneecap.

      In fact, Haggadah is not a word, but rather the name of the only former Hebrew slave to drown once the waters of the parted Red Sea unparted. Haggadah crossed safely, but went back to retrieve a sandal that had come off his foot during that hectic rush between the walls of water. As a handful of witnesses overheard and subsequently blabbered to their Old Testament neighbors, the conversation between Haggadah and Moses once they reached the other side was as follows:

      Hey, Moses, do me a favor and keep the Red Sea parted just a few minutes longer? I gotta get my sandal.

      To hell with your sandal, Haggadah! I’ve got to unpart these waters so the Pharaoh’s army drowns. My G-d, it’s been hundreds of years since we relaxed.

      So what am I supposed to do?

      Hop to the Promised Land, Haggadah.

      But the portly Haggadah did not pay heed. He waddled back for his beloved sandal (it’s been said the pair were a gift from his aged mother shortly before she died of dysentery, leprosy, intestinal worms, plague, scurvy, and exposure), retrieved it, placed it on his foot, turned, and started running in an attempt to rejoin his now liberated brethren. But it was not to be, as the walls of the Red Sea came crashing down upon him—the irony being that about ten minutes later his retrieved sandal washed ashore, where it was reshaped by Moses into a hand puppet to amuse his grandchildren.

      And for these reasons, this Haggadah is dedicated to Haggadah.

      Happy Passover,

      Rabbi Schmooley Weiskopf

      P.S.: Then again, I could be wrong. In which case this book is dedicated to my high school track coach, Jim Hart.

      A NOTE TO PARENTS

      Over the years, countless parents have asked us this question: Where can I get a good family Haggadah? Really, it’s weird how often this happens to us. We’ll be sitting in a public-restroom stall,¹ and suddenly a head will poke under the door, and it’s almost always somebody asking where to get a good family Haggadah. Sometimes these people aren’t even Jewish. Sometimes they aren’t even parents. That’s how huge the demand is.

      And with good reason. Many young Jewish people today would rather undergo amateur eyeball surgery than sit through a lengthy and boring Seder. With that in mind, we wanted to make this the most entertaining and fun Haggadah ever. We thought about putting Sudoku puzzles in it, or a helicopter-chase

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