Breaking Out of the "Man Box": The Next Generation of Manhood

Introduction

People are taken aback by the idea of men standing up and speaking out to end violence against women and girls. Within the socialization of manhood, tradition teaches men to have a lack of interest in women outside of those they love and care for. So for men to speak out publicly on behalf of women and girls is outside of the norms that define manhood. I have thought about this question a lot: How did I come to do this kind of work? While I would like to say that I simply woke up one morning and decided to do the right thing, that’s not the case at all. The truth of the matter is that women have inspired me at different points in my life and continue to inspire me about my role and responsibility as a man.

People often ask me: Why do you work with men to end violence against women and girls? Did something happen to you as a child? Was your father abusive? Were you abusive? Were you molested as a child? The answer to all of these questions is no. It is important for me to mention that my mother was sexually abused by my grandfather throughout her adolescent years, though she did not share this with me until I was already doing this work.

While I spent many years challenging our social constructs as they relate to racism and other forms of group oppression, I had given little attention to sexism. I worked in a small community in New York, just north of the Bronx. Women in that community were paying close attention, dedicating their lives to addressing male domination and its role in domestic violence and sexual assault. Women in that community and others I knew in and around New York State took an interest in my development. I must admit I was a difficult subject matter at times. It took many women in and around my life over a period of years, challenging my thoughts on manhood, to wake me up. We shared many years of thought-provoking, meaningful conversations and subsequent self-reflection. These and countless other women invested time, energy, and wisdom, eventually influencing my thinking about the collective socialization of manhood. In this process as a man I felt like a student, and I guess, there was so much to learn. It was difficult at times to understand and accept the role I played in marginalizing and dominating women. As good men—because we don’t physically abuse women or intentionally do anything to harm them—it can be difficult to understand the role we play in supporting a culture of male violence toward them. At times I was resistant to the teachings; this is common behavior with members of any dominating group—whether it be race, class, or others. But I continued to engage in these conversations and women remained patient with me, and eventually I understood why it was important for men to take a stand—to end violence against women and girls, and to promote healthy and respectful manhood.

This book is a call for men to hold on to the wonderful things about being a man, like the pride we take in working hard, being providers, and loving husbands, partners, and fathers, while examining some aspects of manhood that are tripping us up. We need to reexamine the aspects of manhood that are not benefiting our well-being and that support a culture of violence against women and girls.

The motivation to write this book, along with reasons of equity and humanity, includes my need to celebrate the life of my mother, Marie Nelson-Porter. Because of her, and the wonderful relationship she had with my sisters, I was privileged from an early age to see that women are incredibly courageous and special. I cannot explain it all but I do know that the best of me comes from my mother and her influence. My mother passed away on the evening of March 15, 2000. On that day, I made the decision that I would spend the rest of my life celebrating her life. I dedicate this book to her memory.

Steeped in the socialization of manhood is the need to be in control.

Good Men, It’s Time to Be Part of the Solution!

At this point, you may be questioning why you picked up this book in the first place. You are a good guy, not one of those men who would ever put his hands on a woman. You would never commit rape or hit your wife or girlfriend in a fit of anger or rage. In fact, you would threaten physical harm to any man who abused a female loved one of yours. In your opinion, you are not the problem, so how does this book have anything to do with you?

Well, this book has everything to do with you.

You are a well-meaning man who can help to end violence against women and girls by being a part of the solution. A well-meaning man is one who believes that women should be respected—especially his wife or girlfriend, mother and daughters. Often referred to as a good guy, a well-meaning man wants women to be treated fairly and thinks that abusing a woman in any way is unacceptable.

Well, it’s time for those of us who are good men to acknowledge the role male privilege and socialization play in domestic violence, teen dating violence, sexual assault, sex trafficking, as well as in aggression against women in general. It’s time for us to claim collective responsibility. It’s time for us to become part of the solution.

My intention in this book is not to bash any good man. I know that an assault on men is not going to end the assault on women. Instead, through a process of reeducation, I seek to help us understand how we play a part in this problem. Unfortunately, despite all the goodness of the well-meaning men, we have been socialized to operate in a system where our role includes domination, dehumanization, and oppression over women. This can happen in such small and insidious ways that we’re unaware of it. And it’s sometimes so easy and accepted to behave this way that we don’t question ourselves about it.

Now please do not think I am claiming to be perfect or have it all together. I am still a work in progress as a well-meaning man. Before engaging in the work of ending violence against women and girls, I never considered myself to be sexist at all. When I found myself in situations where women were challenging me on what they defined to be my sexism, I was extremely insulted. I would often think and sometimes say to myself, They don’t know me. They don’t know what they’re talking about. I am not sexist. But, these women would not let me off the hook that easily.

During this time I was a fairly well-known trainer around New York State on addiction studies. I trained addiction professionals and students on a variety of topics related to better serving chemically dependent people. Many of our training efforts focused on issues of race and class, urban and suburban, and we explored various ethnic groups as well. The goal was to understand what was required to best serve them. When it came to addressing women’s issues, I did not make the same effort as I did with issues of race and class.

So, with a lot of love and patience, women in my circle helped me to understand that I could not effectively teach about racism without understanding the impact it had specifically on women of color. Similarly, I could not effectively teach about classism without an in-depth understanding of the experiences of financially poor women. What are specific challenges when working with financially poor women of color that are different from financially poor men of color? With all these topics, I knew I had a lot to learn. It was time for me to challenge my own personal teaching about manhood in order to truly understand the experiences of women in a male-dominating society.

Over the next five years, I immersed myself in learning about sexism and male domination. I began to understand and develop a critical analysis of the collective socialization of manhood. This is when I really started to recognize that domestic violence, sexual assault, and all forms of violence against women are rooted in a sexist, male-dominating society.

I began to cultivate the skill of talking to men about our role and responsibility in ending violence against women. I understood the challenge ahead of me. I quickly learned and understood that as men we have been collectively taught to define what it means to be a man by distancing ourselves from the experiences of women. In order to effectively distance ourselves we are collectively taught to have a lack of interest in women and girls outside of those we love. This is not saying that we are bad or uncaring men; I know it might sound that way. Nor does it say that we as men are all in the same place with this thinking. It does say though that we are all aware of this collective teaching. When exploring the collective teaching of manhood I have found that the more we as men and boys express an interest in the experiences of women and girls, outside of sexual conquest, the more our manhood may come into question. It should be noted that our collective understanding of manhood is extremely heterosexist and homophobic. Further, this collective socialization of manhood teaches men to see less value in women, to view them as the property of men and as objects, particularly sexual objects.

So the toughest question became: how do I engage men in order to discuss these historic barriers already in place? And how do I accomplish that in a loving, respectful, yet accountable way? Luckily, in my favor, I have always been the kind of man that other men respected, and I always give respect right back. So, rarely have I been in situations with men where I am outright disrespected. I would learn to perfect this skill as I engaged more and more men about breaking out of the man box.

I understood that as a man it was important for me to meet men where they are, and not expect them to instinctively have a high sense of consciousness when thinking about these issues. I recognized that I could love men through the process even when I strongly disagreed with their thoughts and views. I learned that I could hold men accountable for inappropriate language and behavior during our engagement in a loving way. My goal is to draw men into my message, not put them on the defensive and create more distance. One of the ways I learned to engage men is through the experiences of women they love and care about. My motto became: Reach in and grab the hearts of men, ensure that they leave your presence thinking and feeling differently than they did when they entered.

THE IMPORTANCE OF TRANSPARENCY

A key skill and requirement I learned for engaging men is transparency. Steeped in the socialization of manhood is the need to be in control. The opposite of control is vulnerability, which is a feeling not acceptable and far outside of the man box. So what I had come to know is that if I want men to talk about and share their experiences, which means asking them to be vulnerable, I would in turn have to do the same. Not only would I have to do the same, meaning share in a vulnerable way, but I would have to do it first. Over a period of time, by sharing my life stories with men, I learned more about my socialization to manhood in countless ways.

I began to relive times and experiences throughout my life, with a new lens. I was able to make sense of experiences that had previously baffled me.

I think back to my own father and an example of the impact male socialization had on his life. My brother, Henry, had died tragically when he was a teenager. The burial was a two-hour drive outside of New York City on Long Island. It was