To Be to Is to Was

Copyright © 2018 Stephen C. Bird

All rights reserved.

Cover Design by Stephen C. Bird. Copyright © 2018

Illustrations by Stephen C. Bird.

Copyright © 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018

Hysterical Dementia

Print ISBN: 978-0-69206-946-2

eBook ISBN: 978-0-69217-221-6

Dedicated to

My Friends, My Family, My Colleagues, My Associates, My Supporters,

My Detractors, My Idols, My Mentors, Maya Hiyuh Powuh and The Universe.

Table of Contents

FATHER AND SON CROSS THE BRIDGE

SUNNIE DEELITE COMES OF AGE

ISABELLA GLOUCESTER

DORIS AND ARLENE

BURN BABY BURN DISCO INFERNO

BABA YAGA GOES CAMPING

THE DROWSYDAYLE UNDERWORLD

THE EVOLUTION OF ISOLAMICKA

THE DEEPER MEANING OF SMORES

UNDER THE DOME

LIFE ON PLANET GORP

BRYANNA DOLLS AND CLAWDEEYA BALLS

CLAWDEEYA BALLS DISAPPEARS

BASTET THE EGYPTIAN CAT GODDESS

CLAWDEEYA BALLS TAKES ON THE WORLD

DYASPORA NEOSPORYN

THE ULTIMATE CONTEST

GOODBYE FASCIBOOK

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FATHER AND SON

CROSS THE BRIDGE

It was a late afternoon in August 1970. A father was driving and his ten-year old son sat next to him in the front seat. They were riding in a beige 1970 Buick sedan, on the main north-south road that cut through the center of the village. They passed by the Amourrican Lesion as they drove southwards towards a bridge that crossed a river. While they were crossing the bridge, the son was thrown from the front seat side window, over the railing of the bridge and into the stream. The current was moving very slowly in the summer heat. The son sank to the bottom of the river. He could see clearly as he rested on the riverbed. He had his knees up to his chest and his arms folded around his knees. Strangely enough, the son was comfortable resting on the bottom of the stream. He even closed his eyes for a moment. Frankly, it was a relief. He quickly realized that he could breathe underwater. He wasn’t a suicide, as far as he knew, unless he had died and was now in the afterlife, or in whatever kind of life happens after death. He wasn’t a fetus, since he was now ten years old, but he felt like he’d returned to the womb. Had he been reborn? Before he’d been hurled out of the car and into the river, he’d been very sad. So sad that he’d wanted to die. But now he felt free. He became aware of a clarity and serenity that up until that time he’d never known. Being thrown out of that car and into the stream was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had no idea what was going to transpire next. Would he stay in the water? Come out of the river and continue his human life? Evolve into a new species of amphibian? In that moment, he didn’t care; he was flooded with optimism and no matter what ended up taking place, everything was going to be all right ..... His father hadn’t even noticed that his son had flown out of the car window. He made a right turn onto a road immediately after crossing the bridge, and a minute later, made a right turn onto the street where he and the rest of his family lived. Thirty seconds later, he made a right turn into his driveway and then pulled into the garage of his conventional, suburban home: a two-story 1960 Colonial. Once inside the house, the father proceeded from the kitchen to his favorite armchair in the living room. He then sat down to read the evening paper ….. Outside it was hot and humid and the freshly cut grass was vivid green. Purple-black clouds were rolling in and darkening the skies. There was a lamp next to the armchair and the father turned it on. It looked like they were in for one hell of a thunderstorm.

SUNNIE DEELITE

COMES OF AGE

It was June, 1978 and Sunnie Deelite had just graduated from Mrs. Scheissbook’s School for Fascist Piggies, in the Northeastern Zone of Amourrica Profunda. After the commencement ceremony, he peeled out of the school’s circular, pebble-covered driveway in a rusted-out Volkswagen van and embarked on a cross-country drive to Palm Things in the Western Desert Region. He knew that he was attracted to men; he was gay, queer, a queen, a nelly, a pansy, a screamer and dying to get out of the closet. He didn’t know yet whether he was a top or a bottom. Of course, he knew it was wrong to use those types of pejorative monikers to describe homosexual males. But both his politically incorrect sense of fantasy and his penchant for the taboo inspired this transgression. Sunnie had faggots on the brain, and not the white picket fence kind either. He was afraid yet fascinated by what little he knew and he was ready for adventure ….. In the late 1970’s, terms such as homonormative and heteronormative were not widely used by the LGBTQ population. Gay neighborhoods were still integrated into the red-light districts of cities worldwide; back in the day, gay men were considered to be sexual outlaws who lived their lives travelling between their various urban ghettos and underworlds ….. It was June, 1978 and after arriving in Palm Things, Sunnie somehow worked up the nerve to go to one of the local pickup bars where two gay leathermen, both of them being chicken hawks, espied Sunnie the twinkie and reveled in his youthful androgyny. In both their approach and attitude, they resembled a couple of fawning, Shakespearian court jesters. Yet surprisingly, for two men who professed to live their lives as pigs, they maintained a respectful distance with Sunnie. They ascertained that he was inexperienced and would most likely be hesitant to engage in spontaneous, erotic adventures. They realized that he was not naturally precocious and that he would have to be drawn out of his shell. They went by the names of Toby and Mordred and were both older than Sunnie by about ten years. They perused him for a few minutes before introducing themselves. They then started to advise him:

Toby: We’ll teach you about the real world by putting you through a trial by fire. What did you learn in Mrs. Scheissbook’s School for Fascist Piggies, anyways? (batting his eyes) Were you attentive in class or were you distracted by your fantasies? Did you develop special friendships with any of the boys? Or were you merely one of those boring, humdrum types; the kind who are fixated solely on getting good grades, to the exclusion of the natural expression of their sexuality?

Sunnie becomes visibly uncomfortable and remains silent.

Mordred: (breaking the silence) It’s a shame that you never attended the Szczmawgwhorets Ackademie of Sorcerie. There’s so much that a young man like yourself, bursting with talent and potential, could have learned in those Not-So-Hallowed Halls!

Sunnie: (suddenly enthused) Yes! I did have such a longing to attend Szczmawgwhorets! But alas, mother and father forbade me to engage in the study of sorcerie. Oh, to have known, and cavorted with, the likes of Frivolous Snide and Antithesis Reticence! And how could we forget the legendary Unholie Trynytie of Higher Parterre, Traan Mrs. Beasley and Whoremoania Gangster! Oh, to have studied Herbologie and to have been trained in the upkeep of the Madrigauloise!

Toby and Mordred: (speaking simultaneously) YES! WHO COULD EVER FORGET THE MADRIGAULOISE! HALF CASTRATO – HALF GINSENG ROOT!

Toby: (glistening) And what exactly is it about Herbologie that intrigues you, Sunnie? Perchance you’d feel most at home in a greenhouse full of carnivorous plants? And when I say this, I can’t help but think of Katharine Hepburn, in the role of Violet Venable, in Suddenly Last Summer! Why it’s a must see for unformed, would-be paramours such as yourself! You can learn a lot about being in the life by watching classic Amourrica Profoundan films like that one, Sunnie! (in a serious tone) We can guide you; we can offer you many options. But only if you feel that you’re ready.

Mordred: Don’t be afraid of your girly man side, Sunnie. Or your girly girl side either, for that matter! There’s so many ways to glitter and be gay. You can be a macho dominator, an outrageously effeminate over–the-top diva or even a shy, retiring wallflower!

Toby: You can be a hyper-masculine Tom of Finland bad boy or Laura Wingfield in The Glass Menagerie! You can fuck with people’s preconceptions in this way by playing with these stereotypes! Always keep them guessing, Sunnie! And once you’ve perfected this special skill, no one will ever take advantage of you!

Mordred: And should you want to act, dress and be like a woman, this will have no bearing on your masculinity! In fact, being in touch with your feminine side shows that you’re secure in your maleness. Get to know the woman within you, Sunnie! You’ll be so glad that you did!

Sunnie: (his hands clasped together in fervent anticipation) Oh could I? Could I be a totally womanly man-woman? Is there anything that one can’t aspire to be nowadays, as you suggest? It would be like a dream come true! Or even a