Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Communication: The Road to Intimacy

Chapter 2 Unhealthy Patterns of Communication

Chapter 3 Five Levels of Communication

Chapter 4 Contract Marriages

Chapter 5 Covenant Marriages

Chapter 6 Covenant Marriages: Dream or Reality?

Chapter 7 What’s So Important about Intimacy?

Chapter 8 Getting to Know Yourself: Experiences and What They Mean

Chapter 9 Getting to Know Yourself: Emotions, Desires, and Choices

Chapter 10 Learning the Art of Self-Revelation

Chapter 11 Getting Ready to Grow: Priorities and Goals

Chapter 12 Making Time for the Important

Chapter 13 Identifying Our Differences

Chapter 14 Making Differences an Asset

Chapter 15 Why Do I Get So Defensive?

Chapter 16 Overcoming the Barriers of Defensiveness

Chapter 17 Intimacy: Naked and Unashamed

Chapter 18 Then Came Clothes

Chapter 19 Emotional Intimacy

Chapter 20 Intellectual Intimacy

Chapter 21 Sexual Intimacy

Chapter 22 Spiritual Intimacy

Chapter 23 Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me?

Notes

© 2014 by Gary D. Chapman

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-4336-8301-5

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Originally published as Covenant Marriage: Building Communication and Intimacy

Dewey Decimal Classification: 306.81

Subject Heading: MARRIAGE

Unless otherwise stated all Scripture verses quoted are from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers, used by permission.

Other versions used include the Holy Bible, New International Version (niv), © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society; the New American Standard Bible (nasb), © the Lockman Foundation, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, used by permission; the New King James Version (nkjv), © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers; and the King James Version (kjv).

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I dedicate this book to

Karolyn,

with whom I have been building a covenant marriage for more than four decades.

Introduction

Ibelieve that when most couples get married, they anticipate a mutually loving, supportive, caring relationship. No couple gets married expecting to make each other miserable. When I married Karolyn I fully expected that we would work together as a team, encouraging and helping each other reach worthwhile objectives in life. We anticipated children somewhere in the future, and we intended to be responsible parents. Our two years of dating had been filled with excitement and anticipation. Bottom line—we expected to make each other happy.

However, six months after our wedding neither of us were very happy, nor were we doing very well at team work. Years later I discovered that we were not the only couple to experience the shattering of dreams on the walls of the reality of marriage. Yet, there are couples who have healthy marriages in which each encourages the other and they watch their dreams come true. Our problem was we did not have an instruction manual on how two people, who are very different, can learn to complement each other and build a mutually supportive marriage.

I am deeply grateful that eventually we found our way out of our confusing and frustrating years into the kind of marriage we both had wanted from the beginning. For over thirty-five years we have known the joy of helping each other reach our potential for God and good in the world. I have discovered nothing is more satisfying than helping your spouse become the person that God intended them to be, and to receive from your spouse that same kind of support. I am writing this book with the hope that it will help couples learn the lessons it took us so long to discover.

I like to picture marriage as a train running on two strong parallel tracks: communication and intimacy, with an engineer who is committed to taking the train to its destination. The engineer represents the biblical concept of covenant marriage. Many people have heard the word covenant but have no idea what it means. In the chapters that follow you will discover the difference between covenants and contracts, and how in a healthy marriage each have their proper place, but the fundamental concept is that marriage is a sacred covenant.

Once we understand and accept the idea that marriage is a covenant, then we can busy ourselves on learning how to communicate our thoughts, feelings, opinion, desires, frustrations, and dreams in a positive manner. As humans, we are each unique. That means that the thoughts and feelings that we experience will inevitably be different. When a husband expects his wife to agree with his thoughts and she expects him to agree with hers, they will be forever frustrated. We must first of all accept our humanity and allow each other the freedom to think and feel differently. Our objective is to utilize our differences as assets, rather than liabilities. Therefore, in the coming chapters you will discover the skills that I have sought to communicate in the counseling office to hundreds of couples.

The second track involves learning how to build intimacy in a marriage. It is easy to equate intimacy with sexual intercourse, but unless we build intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual intimacy, we may never find mutual sexual fulfillment. Intimacy is at the heart of marital satisfaction. It is the means by which we feel deeply connected to each other.

Intellectual intimacy requires the sharing of thoughts and ideas without fear of condemnation. Emotional intimacy implies the sharing of feelings, whether they are negative or positive. Social intimacy has to do with sharing life’s experiences. Spiritual intimacy has to do with sharing our spiritual journey. When these are in place they lead naturally to sexual intimacy.

This is not an academic book filled with theoretical ideas. It is, rather, a practical book on the nitty-gritty of how to create a positive emotional climate where open, honest communication can take place, which leads to understanding and united efforts.

To see the greatest impact on your marriage, I suggest reading each chapter, either together or individually, and then discussing the questions at the end of each chapter. If you follow this pattern, you will not only be reading about ideas that foster healthy communication and intimacy, you will actually be experiencing healthy communication and intimacy. My prayer is that whether you are newly married, or have been married for many years, this book will help you take steps toward seeing the fulfillment of your dreams.

chapter 1

Communication: The Road to Intimacy

When divorced couples were asked, Why did your marriage fail? 86 percent said, Deficient communication. If that is true, then communication in marriage must be extremely important.

Communication involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and listening on the part of another. In its simplest form, communication is talking and listening; however, unless talking and listening are accompanied by honest, loving feedback on the part of the listener, little communication can take place. In fact, miscommunication and misunderstanding will probably be the results. In good marital communication the husband and wife each share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, priorities, and judgments while the other listens sympathetically. Both partners share on the same open, honest level.

One of the main purposes of this book, of course, is to discuss some practical ways to enhance this process—to get you speaking each other’s language.

God’s Divine Example

God’s communication to man is the model for our communication with each other. The Scriptures say that God has spoken to man in many ways throughout history. He has spoken through angels, visions, dreams, nature, creation, and, supremely, through His Son, Jesus Christ. All of this is recorded in the Bible. How did the Bible come into existence? Holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Spirit (2 Pet. 1:21 nkjv). The result is that the Bible gives us words from God. Thus, we have the potential for knowing God because God has spoken. Yet we know there are many people who do not have a relationship with God because they have either not listened to His self-revelation or they have responded negatively and walked away to live alone. Thus, they have no relationship and no fellowship with God. There is no intimacy between them and the Creator.

On the other hand, for those who have accepted Christ, intimacy with Him is a matter of degree. It is obvious that some Christians are much closer to God than other Christians. The vehicle for gaining intimacy with God as a Christian is regular communication with God. We are to listen to God as he speaks to us through his Word, and we are to respond to God with our honest thoughts, feelings, and decisions. When God speaks, we listen to him. When we speak, God listens to us. Through this process over a period of time, an individual can have a growing intimacy with the God of the universe. There is nothing in life more important than this kind of relationship with God; it enhances all of life both here and hereafter.

The same is true in a covenant marriage: communication leads to intimacy. In 1 Corinthians 2:11, Paul raises a question that every woman has asked, Who . . . knows the thoughts of a man? Answer? Only the man’s spirit within him (niv). Essentially, Paul is saying that only you know what is going on in your mind. The old saying I can read him like a book is simply not true. Wives, you may think you know what is going on in your husband’s mind, but actually, you don’t. Husbands, you know that you don’t know what is going on in her mind, right? If you have been married for thirty years and you have had lots of open communication, there may be some truth to the statement, I can read him like a book. Ultimately, however, it is never fully true. We cannot read another person’s mind.

Body language is supposed to tell us about people by the way they fold their arms, cross their legs, sit, speak, or use facial expressions. It is true that we can pick up cues from a person’s behavior, but we can never know what is in others’ minds simply by looking at them. For example, when you observe a lady crying, you may assume that she is troubled. However, you have no idea by observation whether she is experiencing grief over the loss of a spouse or a child, whether she has just been fired from her job, or whether she has just hit her thumb with a hammer. Her tears may even be tears of joy. Only if she chooses to tell you will you know what is behind her tears.

Verbal communication is essential in order to understand what is going on inside other people. If they do not tell us their thoughts, their feelings, and their experiences, we are left to guess. Unfortunately, our guess is usually wrong, and we misunderstand them. That is why communication is an absolute necessity if we are to reach intimacy. We will never experience what God had in mind when He ordained marriage if we do not communicate with each other. As we come to understand the process of communication and learn how to overcome barriers to communication, our experience of intimacy will bring us the joy God intended.

The First Step

Now You’re Speaking My Language is designed to enhance communication and intimacy. We will look at some of the reasons why 86 percent of those who divorce say that the main problem was deficient communication. But before we look at the weightier matters, let me suggest an easy step to enhance communication: plan a daily sharing time with your spouse. Couples who have a sit down, look at me, let’s talk time each day have a higher level of intimacy than those couples who simply talk whenever and wherever. Couples who practice a daily sharing time will tend to talk more with each other at other times as well.

So, what do you talk about in this daily sharing time? Just keep it simple. Here is what I call the daily minimum requirement: Tell me three things that happened in your life today and how you feel about them. Based on a survey I conducted, my conclusion is that 50 percent of the married couples in this country do not meet this daily minimum requirement. When I share this idea with couples, someone in the group will say, Oh, we already do that, or I’m sure we share at least three things with each other every day. So I probe. Great. Share with the group the three things you shared with each other today, to which they typically respond, Oh. Well, we didn’t have time to talk today; we had to come to this meeting. You know you have to rush to get here on time. I say, Fine. Share with the group three things you shared with each other yesterday. Well, uhh. Last night was PTA meeting, and we never have time to talk on PTA night. Fine. Share with us the three things you shared with each other the day before yesterday. Well. That was soccer night. We don’t ever get a chance to talk on soccer night, especially when we lose. You, too, may come to the realization that you may not be meeting the daily minimum requirement.

Some couples complain, My life is the same every day. I don’t have anything to share. It is always the same routine. There is no need to share it. The fact is that none of us experience the same thing every day. It may be true that our job is monotonous. We may do the same physical functions every day on our jobs, but all of us think different thoughts throughout the day. We have different feelings. And some things are different each day—traffic patterns vary on the way to and from work, the lunch menu is not always the same, conversations we have with people will vary from day to day along with the weather and the information we receive on the radio or television. Things are not the same every day. Perhaps we are simply using this as an excuse for not sharing with our spouses.

But nothing important ever happens in my life, some say. Who determines what is important? Is eating lunch important? Is getting a drink of water important? Perhaps your life has not been exciting today, but it has been your life. If you want intimacy in your marriage, you must share life. If you had a boring day, let your spouse in on your day so he/she has an opportunity to respond to your boredom. If you don’t self-reveal, your spouse has no way of knowing where you are emotionally, and he/she is left to guess. Often the guess will be wrong.

Every couple needs a daily time when they can look into each other’s eyes, talk, and listen as they share life with each other. This kind of quality time spent daily is one of the most fundamental exercises a couple can do to enhance intimacy in a marriage relationship. Many couples go for days without such a sharing time. Each is involved in a busy schedule, and they simply communicate those things necessary for carrying on the daily routine. Emotionally, they grow farther apart.

What we are talking about here is the simplest and easiest level of communication—sharing with each other some of our day-to-day events and how we feel about those events. Regular communication on this basic level builds a platform that supports communication on more intimate and sometimes difficult levels.

Couples who desire an intimate relationship must share not only some of the things they experience throughout the day but also their feelings about those events. For example, a husband comes home from work and shares with his wife that he had a conversation with his supervisor and was informed that he is to receive a pay raise. The wife asks, How do you feel about that, darling? He may respond, Elated! I didn’t expect a raise until the first of the year. On the other hand, he may say, Do you want to know the truth? I feel disappointed. The raise should have been twice as much as it was. Whichever way he responds, the wife now knows her husband better. Because he has shared a little of his emotional life, she can enter his world and have a greater sense of emotional intimacy. If he does not share his feelings verbally, she may detect something of his emotional response by his physical behavior, but the communication is much clearer when he verbalizes his feelings to her. We are emotional creatures, and we have emotional responses to the things that happen to us throughout the day. If we are going to build intimacy in marriage, we must learn to share some of our emotions.

For many couples, daily communication consists of the following scenario: Husband walks into the house. Wife walks into the house. Wife says to husband, How did things go today, dear? He responds, Fine, as he turns on the TV to watch the evening news, or he heads for the backyard to mow the grass. Though they have been apart for eight to ten hours, cut off from each other, he summarizes their time apart with one word—fine. And the husband wonders why his wife complains that they no longer have intimacy in their marriage! One word is not an adequate summary of ten hours apart. We must learn to have daily communication times.

Good communication is the road to intimacy. Poor communication leads couples down dead-end streets and through numerous detours. In the following chapters, it is my objective to provide a road map to help you reach the destination of an intimate covenant marriage through productive communication. We begin, in chapter 2, by looking at some unhealthy patterns of communication. Good communication requires that we identify and eliminate the unhealthy and then find new ways of communicating that foster understanding and intimacy.

Questions to Ponder

Name one event in your marriage you wish you could revisit. Why?

Think of two couples—one recently married, one married more than thirty years—whose company you genuinely enjoy. What do you admire about them? Do you long for the playfulness of the younger couple? Do you love the dignity the older couple extends to each other? What makes each couple such enjoyable company?

If you could peer into the hours you are not together, what do you wish you knew about your spouse?

Name one thing you will do this week to encourage your spouse.

We Do

Commit to a minimum of ten minutes each day, as a couple, to sit and talk. Use the daily minimum requirement suggestion, if you like. Do not talk in passing—i.e., while feeding your family, while walking the dog, while at the kids’ soccer games, while working. No interruptions—no children, no dogs, no cell phones or other electronic devices, just a quiet room with you and your spouse focusing on each other for a minimum of ten minutes. Look into each other’s eyes, talk, listen, and share.

chapter 2

Unhealthy Patterns of Communication

Communication is not like an event we attend and then it is over. Communication is more like the process of breathing; without it, we do not continue. Nor is intimacy something we gain and retain forever. We do not obtain intimacy and put it in a safe deposit box. It is fluid and directly related to the quality of communication between the couple.

Communication is not enough. It must be healthy communication if we are going to experience intimacy. Just as breathing toxic fumes can lead to death, so unhealthy communication patterns can actually destroy intimacy. In our efforts to maintain our emotional stability, we develop patterns of communication. These patterns are learned ways of responding to and communicating with our spouses. After awhile, we are not even aware of our communication patterns; we are simply doing what comes natural to us.

Some of our communication patterns are positive, leading us to intimacy in marriage. But many communication patterns are negative, leading couples apart rather than together. Some couples genuinely desire intimacy, but unknown to them, their communication patterns lead them farther and farther apart. Before we can correct unhealthy communication patterns, we must first identify them. Over the years, those who study marriage have discovered common patterns that are detrimental to marital intimacy. These patterns are passed from parent to child, and it is not uncommon to see these unhealthy patterns repeated generation after generation. The good news is that these patterns can be broken by any couple who is willing to examine their patterns and make needed corrections.

The Four Fowls

By looking at the communication patterns of our parents, we can often more easily identify our own. In this chapter, we will identify four unhealthy patterns of communication. Reflect on the communication pattern of your parents and see whether you identify any of these patterns in their marriage. Then look at your own marriage and see whether your pattern is the same or different. If different, in what way is it different? Almost all of these unhealthy patterns develop from a need to maintain emotional stability, to feel good about ourselves. But when these patterns are negative, they are detrimental to marital intimacy. These unhealthy patterns can be remembered when compared to four fowls: the dove, the hawk, the owl, and the ostrich.

Dove: I Want Peace at Any Price

In this pattern, one partner placates the other in order to avoid his/her wrath. Typical dove statements are, That’s fine with me, or Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. The dove is always trying to please the other person, often apologizing, even for little things that may have stimulated the anger of the spouse. The dove will almost never disagree with his/her spouse, no matter how they feel.

Several years ago, I was counseling a man whose wife had left him after twenty-five years of marriage. When I asked him, What happened in your marriage? his response was, "I have been analyzing it, and I think I have figured it out. In the early stages of our marriage, my wife did many things that irritated me. But as you know, I am a peacemaker. I don’t like conflict, and as you also know, my wife has a fiery personality. If I disagreed with her or mentioned some irritation to her, she would explode. Therefore, to avoid the explosion, I simply started staying away from her. When I did talk to her, I communicated that whatever she did, whatever she said, and whatever she wanted was fine with me, even though inside I strongly resented it.

"Looking back on it, I realize that I started working longer hours. When I was at home, I began spending more time with my computer and less time with her. I was not fully aware of what I was doing, but in retrospect, I see that I walked farther and farther away from her emotionally to avoid the conflicts. I got involved in my job and in ministry at the church. She got involved in her job and her ministry, and we grew farther and farther apart. We didn’t have