Less Than Three

Copyright © 2019 Téa Belog

All rights reserved. 

ISBN 978-1-7331209-0-6 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-7331209-1-3 (ebook)

Cover and interior illustrations by Sarah Durst

For Ms Perreault—

for being my first teacher and critic,

and for believing that I could do this

Part One: Ren renspart.png

You have to stop doing this, Ren whispered, pushing open the window. 

Ellil rolled his eyes and ducked into Ren’s room. I really don’t. 

One of these nights, someone is going to notice. 

Ellil sat down on Ren’s bed. He sighed before falling onto his back. I’m hoping they don’t, he mumbled at the ceiling. 

Ren shut the window and moved next to Ellil. Ren poked his arm. You okay? 

‘m tired. 

Maybe stop sneaking over here every night then. 

Ellil propped himself up on his elbows. Do you want me to stop coming over? There was an edge to his voice, a slight panic that made Ren a little sick. Ellil raised his left eyebrow like it was a joke, but Ren knew better. 

Ren shook his head. You know that’s not what I mean. But coming over here and then sneaking back— 

I’d rather be here with you than sleeping, Ellil interrupted. I didn’t wake you up, right? 

Do you ever? Ren asked. He gestured to his desk. I was still doing homework. 

Maybe you’re the one who needs to sleep, Ellil teased, tugging on the sleeve of Ren’s shirt. 

Ren scoffed and batted his hand away. Yeah right. Go to sleep, I’ll wake you when you have to leave for home. 

Ellil rolled over to bury his face in a pillow. What about you? he asked, voice muffled. 

I’ll sleep when I’m done. 

——————

It’s after ten thirty when there’s a familiar knock at the door. Ren pushes away from his laptop and shuffles over, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he unlocks the door to let Ellil in. The circles under Ellil’s eyes are darker than usual and he has a bag slung over his shoulder. If it has books or work in it, Ren is confiscating it. 

You want the bed? Ren asks, stretching out his arms. His elbows crack and ache from being in one position for so long. He kicks the door shut with his foot. 

Ellil shakes his head and puts his bag by the foot of the bed. Not if you need it. 

Ren gently bumps his shoulder against Ellil’s. I can write my paper at my desk instead. You aren’t sleeping on the floor. 

Ellil protests halfheartedly before laying down and falling asleep almost immediately. 

Ren tries to quiet his typing; he doesn’t want to wake Ellil, even though Ellil is tired enough that Ren probably doesn’t have to. Maybe Ren does need the sleep, but he’s tired enough that he doesn’t trust an alarm, and someone has to wake Ellil. It’s not like Ren doesn’t have plenty of practice with late nights and little sleep.

Ellil is the best friend Ren has ever had. 

They hadn’t originally been planning to go to the same college, but they both liked the school, both got accepted, and Ren was offered a large scholarship, which sealed the deal. The fact that they’d be on the same campus was a bonus. 

But along with the mediocre food and bad wifi, one of the few drawbacks is Ellil’s asshole roommate. Nathan is obnoxious and loud, kicks Ellil out with no warning, throws impromptu parties that fill the room with noise and bodies and alcohol, and makes comments that turn Ren’s stomach. Ren lucked out with a roommate who is usually out of the room and spends a lot of nights with a girlfriend off campus; when Sam is in the dorm, he mostly keeps to himself. 

Ren tried to get Ellil to request a room change at the beginning of the year, but Ellil had just smiled and said he could handle Nathan for a year. 

Yeah, right. 

Ren glances over his shoulder to look at the bed. Ellil’s chest rises and falls as he sleeps soundly. 

It’s not that Ellil can’t sleep in his own dorm, but it’s more of a comfort thing for both of them. Ellil complains about the noise level and the flaky heating, but Ren thinks he’s uncomfortable existing in the space. 

Not to mention the time Ellil woke up to his face covered in Sharpie doodles and Ingrid had to help clean him up before his morning class. 

If Ellil wants to crash in Ren’s dorm, Ren is more than fine with it. It’s practically tradition— Ellil had ended up in Ren’s room at least one night a week from sophomore year on, it’d be weird if that suddenly stopped. At least Ellil is able to come in through the door now, instead of the window. 

A definite improvement. 

——————

Ellil pressed his face against the window as he knocked. Rolling his eyes, Ren paused his video game and stuck his tongue out at Ellil and his squished nose before opening the window. 

Ellil tumbled inside, rolling onto the bed. Thanks, babe, he said with a lopsided smile. 

Ren shoved him over to make more room and then stood up and walked over to the desk. Don’t ‘babe’ me, he said, opening a drawer. 

Why not? Ellil sat up and ran a hand through his hair, making it puff up. 

Ren looked away pointedly. You have a babe now. Shouldn’t you save the pet names for your girlfriend? He pulled out another controller and tossed it to Ellil. 

Ellil caught it with ease. Dawn doesn’t like pet names and I’ve got to call someone babe. 

Ren scoffed. No, you don’t. He sat down on the bed next to Ellil and bumped their shoulders together, and then returned to the menu and changed the game to two-player. It’s not like there’s a ‘babe’ quota you have to meet.

If you don’t want me to call you babe, I won’t, Ellil said.

Ren started the game. Your controller is upside down. 

——————

Ren falls asleep on his laptop around two and is woken up just before six by the crick in his neck. He groans and sits up, turning his head from side to side to try and work it out. Careful not to trip over the laptop charger like he does most days, he walks over to the bed and shakes Ellil’s shoulder. 

Wake up, El, he murmurs. It’s almost six. 

Ellil groans and rolls to face Ren, squinting up at him in the dim light. Wha? 

Almost six. I know, I usually get you up at five, but I fell asleep. He shakes Ellil again. You should probably get back so you can get in and out t’ shower before whoever’s there wakes up. 

Ellil blinks a few times. ‘s’okay, he mumbles after a moment. Showered yesterday, brought a change of clothes, and I don’t have class ‘til ten. 

Ren glances down to the bag at his feet. That makes sense. They probably should’ve started doing this a long time ago. Sorry I woke you up. I’ll go find blankets for the flo— 

Ellil grabs Ren’s wrist, tugging Ren toward him. Just share with me, he says. 

Ren raises his eyebrows. Both of us on that bed? We won’t fit. 

Ellil pulls Ren closer until Ren’s legs hit the side of the bed. Yeah? So we have to cuddle, big whoop. 

El— 

You don’t ‘ave to if you don’t want to, Ellil mumbles, closing his eyes. But it’ll prolly be more comfortable than the floor. 

Ren can’t argue with that. He lets Ellil pull him onto the bed. 

Is this okay? Ellil asks. One of his arms is wrapped around Ren’s waist and his head is tucked under Ren’s chin.

Ren swallows and tries not to focus on Ellil’s hair, right there, ridiculously soft and smelling like the ocean, or Ellil’s chest rising and falling against his own. 

Yeah, it’s fine. 

——————

Ren stared at his ceiling in silence. Ellil, next to him on the bed, was just as quiet. 

Ren let his thoughts bounce around his brain until the silence weighed them down like an anchor. When they started to drown, he found some words and started to say them. So…your mom is kind of terrifying sometimes. 

Ellil snorted.  That’s one way to put it. 

Ren had gone to Ellil’s to work on a project after school. They had a few weeks to get it done — a fairly simple project on the physics of a gravitational slingshot (or a gravity assist as Ellil insisted on calling it, because that was more accurate but less fun) — and had been fooling around finding sources and model videos when Ellil’s mother came home, saw them, and started making snide, pointed comments about how inefficient they were being, and how surely Ellil must know better. 

Ellil had just hunched his shoulders and complied, nodding along and promising that he was working hard and would do better. It was like Ren wasn’t even there.

At some point, Audra had gotten home from school, saw what was happening, and dragged Ren to her room claiming she needed help with her pre-algebra. Ellil hadn’t been able to hide a brief glance of relief.

Ren’s hands were shaking when he sat down on her bed. 

It happens sometimes, Audra had said, all too calmly, as she pulled a box of nail polish out from under her bed. El doesn’t like when I try to help. He gets mad at me. 

Ren had nodded wordlessly and taken the nail polish she handed to him. He had painted her nails until Ellil knocked on Audra’s door, acting as if nothing had happened.  

Ren glanced up to his bed, shaking off the memory. You okay? 

Of course I am, Ellil said, completely convinced, even though Ren was not. She’s a little overbearing and loud but… it could be worse. 

Ren grimaced. 

Her and Dad just…want a lot from me. They aren’t big fans of… he struggled to find the word. 

Fun? Ren offered. 

Ellil rolled over onto his stomach and leaned over the edge of the bed to look down at Ren. I was going to say something like wasting time? They want me to be the best I can be. Just…sometimes I don’t think they’re going about it in the best way. They love Audra and me, but sometimes I think they’re doing it wrong. Not that I can judge them on parenting. 

Is that why you come over so often? Ren asked softly. 

I come over because I like you. Ellil sighed and flipped over, hanging over the side of the bed and looking at Ren upside down. But yeah… It’s nice to be away from the pressure for a little while. It’s nice to be with you. 

——————

Dorm beds are not meant for two people, and yet Ren is surprisingly comfortable. 

Ellil is still asleep with his arms wrapped loosely around Ren’s waist when Ren wakes up. Ren never wants to move. So he doesn’t. 

He studies Ellil’s features, counts each of Ellil’s dark eyelashes. He memorizes the slight furrow of Ellil’s eyebrows and the curve of his nose. The two dark freckles under his left eye. The pattern of his breathing. 

Ren would stay this way forever if he could, but Ellil isn’t Ren’s to keep. He never has been. Every time Ren reminds himself of this, it hurts a little bit more. 

Ren breathes deeply and lets his eyes close again. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to fall back asleep, but he’s going to savor this moment for as long as he can. 

When Ellil wakes up, Ren can face reality. 

——————

For the first few weeks, Ren pretended not to notice Ellil slowly bringing over more and more art supplies and then ‘forgetting’ them in Ren’s room. The first few times, Ren wasn’t suspicious. So what if Ellil left a sketchbook and a few pens? 

When the three Copic markers Ellil had bought with loose change and a twenty he found on the ground showed up on Ren’s desk, Ren started to get suspicious. But he didn’t say anything. Whatever the reason was, it couldn’t be good.

Ren was scared to ask. 

And then, Ellil brought a big black portfolio from his house— carrying it through a five-minute walk, up the tree, and to Ren’s room.  

Ren watched from the other side of the room as his window slid open, and Ellil struggled to get it through the window without either it or Ellil falling out of the tree. Torn between mild horror and the strong urge to laugh, he ended up watching Ellil cram the portfolio into the room in stunned silence. Ellil propped it gently up against the wall and for the rest of the night, pretended that nothing was there at all. 

Hey, he said when Ellil poked his head through the window the next night. You left something. Ren awkwardly held up the portfolio, which fit only in his closet. 

At the sight of it,  Ellil turned to escape back through the window. 

Ren scrambled to his feet, shoving his desk chair away, and dropping the portfolio to the floor. He grabbed onto Ellil’s hoodie as Ellil climbed back onto the tree branch that reached up toward Ren’s window. 

Wait! Ren hissed. Where are you going?

Ellil stopped trying to pull away and collapsed in on himself. Nowhere, I guess, he mumbled. 

Ren