Belly Up

HARP

A BOY I DATED IN COLLEGE had an uncle who worked for an oil company in Malaysia. The uncle was frequently gone to Malaysia on business. He died suddenly, and they found out he had a wife and family there. He also had a wife and family here. The boyfriend said the uncle had split himself clean in two. Perhaps he changed clothes on the plane ride over. It was hard to tell. Nobody ever went with the uncle to Malaysia and nobody ever met the Malaysian wife.

I remembered the story one morning during my commute. I have a long drive on a pretty highway to get me to the building where I work. When I first moved out of the city I hated the drive. But it grew on me. It became a time for me to be alone and listen to music my husband maybe wouldn’t have liked, or even to listen to music I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to know I listened to.

I remembered the story when I saw an accident. It happened just two cars in front of me, fast enough that I wasn’t caught in the back-up behind the accident, but had to swerve away from other swerving cars. When I looked in my rearview mirror I saw the pile up, and the front windshield of one car smashed in and two heads, one on the steering wheel of the wrecked car, unmoving, and one of a woman in the passenger seat. She was wearing a headscarf and her mouth was open. It looked like she was screaming. She didn’t look to the man next to her, the one whose head was on the wheel, but rather everywhere else. This is the Malaysian wife, I thought. That’s why she isn’t looking at the husband. Because her troubles have begun.

Though when I saw the accident I remembered that the Malaysian wife existed, I couldn’t immediately remember to whom she belonged. A decade had passed since the story had first been told to me, and I couldn’t place her with a person of origin until later in the day. The remembering of her wasn’t unpleasant as much as curious. I tried to remember what I thought of the story when it had originally been told to me. I didn’t call my husband and tell him about the accident or the remembering. It was too strange of a thing to remember not to be upsetting. Not that I was upset. But I just didn’t want to be forced into making words on the subject, especially since I couldn’t parse out whom I cared about more—the halved uncle or the Malaysian wife.

The day I saw the accident I got to work on time. I am a secretary in the music department of a big university. When I arrived, I went into the staff kitchen and put my lunch in the refrigerator, and then walked down the hall to get some water. On my walk to the water fountain I heard several harps tuning.

I know little about music, but I like working in a building whose sole purpose is to produce it. The classrooms closest to my office are mainly musical instruction spaces. I hear trumpets and timpani throughout the day.

The harps, though, were something new. Days previous I had seen them roll in a dozen of them. They were huge. A single person couldn’t lift one. They had to be transported with a wheeled cart. All of the harps’ scrolls had grand, circular, crownlike adornments atop them. Their peaks looked like small royal heads.

I have heard a harp before, but this tuning sound they were making as I walked past was completely alien. It made me feel like a different person—like I, the person listening to the tuning of these harps, was a different person than the person who had been standing next to the refrigerator in the lunchroom. I have had this feeling while listening to music before. Always, it was at some crowded concert. At these shows the music had always been loud and inciting, music that made me feel like I was the kind of person who could hit someone. But the person the harps made me into wouldn’t have hit anyone. I wasn’t sure the harp me would have any hands to hit with. It was as if my soul had been slipped into a new harp body, some shell that existed primarily in vibrations and could more easily mix with the objects and people it chose to surround. Listening to the harps, I didn’t feel angry or sad or anxious or incited. I just felt other than myself.

Gradually, the voice of the harp professor rose and all of the harps stopped tuning. Hush returned and I continued the walk back down the hall. I sat down at my desk and thought about my harp self and the Malaysian wife.

Although I still couldn’t remember who told me the story, I remembered what I had thought when I had first heard it. I had thought about the Malaysian children: the children of the Malaysian wife and her halved American husband. I had felt sorry for the children that they would have to live a life without a father. I felt sorry for the Malaysian wife, that her husband—and, in my imagination, her main source of income—had died, and that now she was being left to fend for herself and her children alone in some Malaysian city. I did not conceive of the Malaysian wife as having parents or siblings. I assumed she was completely alone. I imagined she had been preyed upon. She had been a young, gullible woman—the kind of woman who always thinks everything is going to turn out all right. The kind of woman who would marry a man who spoke her native language poorly. Perhaps this tendency in her also made her susceptible to religion. Maybe she was devout. Maybe she wore a headscarf. Maybe she liked American television. Maybe the husband had looked like a famous American actor. Or, maybe he didn’t look like an actor at all, but he was American and that was enough.

I sat down at my desk and sank into the seat. I called hotels and made reservations for music professors who were performing abroad. I checked the faculty mailboxes and emailed the professors whose boxes were bursting. I emailed the department about an upcoming concerto. I emailed the department about a visiting lecturer. I emailed the department about senior recitals. I had lunch.

I ate my lunch outside on a park bench. I stretched my legs out and let them warm in the early spring heat. It was March, still the time of year when it was appropriate to wear tights, but I wasn’t wearing any. After I ate my sandwich I looked at the sun through the trees and, in a moment of daring, decided to lie down. I tilted my head back and swung my legs up and put my hands over my face to shield my eyes from the sun. A breeze wove through the leaves, and the hairs on my arms stood up. The longer I reclined, however, the warmer I felt. The sun beat on my face and my legs. I wished I could stay there, lying on that park bench, pretending that I was the kind of person who always lay down in public spaces, as if it hadn’t been an act of daring brought on by a morning filled with the remembering of the Malaysian wife.

I eventually got up and walked back to my building. I rode the elevator alone. I had been hoping that someone would be with me in the elevator—that I would run into someone I knew and they would say, Hello, Helen, how are you today? and then I would be able to tell them about the accident. I wasn’t upset about the accident, but I had seen a person die, I was almost sure. The man’s head against the wheel had looked very dead. And I really don’t know how you are supposed to act when something like that happens. It is very unclear what is socially acceptable and what is not. Because I am a secretary for the music department, I rarely speak to people unless a professor seeks me out to make a particularly large round of copies. And even then, my interactions are quick. People have things to do. And I guess I do too.

When I got out of the elevator I walked down the hall that contained the new harp practice room. I looked through the small glass window of the practice room door and saw that the room was empty. I went in and sat down at one of the harps.

Up close they looked less like instruments and more like massive pieces of furniture—like some grand decorative hat stand or an unfinished shelf. Strangely, they also looked like instruments you could dance with, like how upright bass players sometimes swing their instruments around in emotive grooves. I wondered why harp players are always seated. Maybe the seated harp playing position was just some outdated invention of Western civilization, like the expectation for women to give birth on their backs. Maybe a harp was meant to be played standing up. Maybe a harp was meant to be danced with. Maybe these people had it all wrong. I ran my finger along the spine of each one of the harp’s strings and fingered the carvings in the neck.

I went back to my desk and sat down. I put together packets for letters of admittance. I ordered several music journals for the department library. I stapled syllabi for several classes. I alphabetized the hundreds of scores contained in Professor Robinson’s filing cabinet. I cleaned the outside of the cabinet with a damp cloth. I called my husband.

Hello, my husband said. How was your morning?

My morning was fine, I said. What are we eating for dinner?

Pork chops, said my husband.

On the drive home there was no traffic. The budding trees overhung the highway and the black granite boulders reflected white light from the sun.

I passed the spot where the accident had happened. All of the debris was gone. I wondered where they took the body that belonged to the man whose head was on the wheel. I wondered where they took his wife. I imagined the morgue that the husband lay contained in, all the rows of file cabinet refrigerators. I imagined the file cabinets that were filled with scores in the music department instead being filled with dead halved bodies, the cabinets in Professor Robinson’s office pulling out into much longer trays than their dimensions contained. I imagined opening the cabinets and cleaning the space between the two halves of the bodies with a warm damp cloth. I saw myself closing the cabinets and going back to the harp room. All the students were in the room with me, tuning. I sat in the tuning harp sounds and became the harp me.

I arrived home in my car and went inside and took off my jacket and drank a glass of water. I took out my laptop and searched for upcoming harp performances and saw that the city orchestra was having a Celtic harp orchestra performance tomorrow night. I bought two tickets.

I wanted to take a shower before my husband returned home so I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes. The hot water pulled over my head and my eyes and I stood perfectly still. I like the feeling of being encased in water, and I like feeling the pressure of pumped water against my closed eyes. I tilted my neck back and let some of the water enter my mouth. I swallowed the hot water and thought about it traveling down inside of me while the other hot water traversed the curve of my spine.

In the shower I remembered who the Malaysian wife belonged to. The college boyfriend’s original telling of the story was all of a sudden clear. I remembered the color of the couch the boyfriend sat on when he first told the story. It had been a deep forest green. We were with a large group of friends. He nervously leaned toward me and made a joke about his family. Then he told the story of the halved uncle and everything got very quiet and it almost sounded as if he was going to cry. I said the night was too deep in for these conversations and smiled encouragingly and asked him to walk me home. That night he slept in my apartment. I didn’t have a bedframe so my mattress was on the floor. When we went to sleep he was unusually quiet but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was drunk or because his telling of the story had upset him. I didn’t know his parents, so I didn’t know who he thought this story reflected on poorly. I wasn’t sure if he felt some type of internal guilt or responsibility for sharing blood with this uncle, or if he felt he had divulged something like a family history of insanity, and now thought I could never look at him the same. He lay in my bed with his back toward me. His breathing was steady so I couldn’t tell if he was awake or asleep. I pulled my fingers over his scalp and behind his ears and into the dent of his spine. I put both my hands into his hair and pressed my lips against the back of his neck. We fell asleep like that. I remembered waking up in the morning cradling his head.

The water turned cold in the shower. I turned off the water and heard my husband chopping vegetables in the next room.

I got out of the shower, dried my hair and dressed for dinner. I came out of our bedroom and kissed my husband on the cheek. He was making a grand meal. The salad had goat cheese and candied pecans and cranberries in it. The pork chops were seared and dressed in gravy. Mashed potatoes with scallions were on the side. I sat down and looked at my husband. I said, This meal looks divine.

Thank you, my husband said. How was your day?

Well, I said. It was good, but something upsetting happened to a coworker. Her brother died.

Oh my goodness, my husband said. That’s terrible. Was he young?

Yes, quite young. He was 37. He was an oil-rig engineer. He spent a lot of time working in Malaysia.

What did he die of? my husband asked.

He died of a heart attack.

Did he die in Malaysia or here?

He died in Malaysia. No one in her family knows yet who is going to get the body.

Well we should offer to make her and her family dinner, my husband said.

You’re right.

After dinner I cleaned the dishes while my husband read. I put on some music and tried to read as well but felt restless and eventually put on my tennis shoes and decided to go for a walk.

I’m going for a walk, I said to my husband.

Are you all right? Would you like me to come with you?

I think I just need to take a quick walk alone.

I put on my sweatshirt and closed the door softly behind me. I walked down our street and kicked some branches that had fallen into the road.

I thought of the boyfriend with the halved uncle and tried to remember what I thought of the boyfriend. We had not dated for long. I remembered him being very insecure and always trying to overestablish himself in conversations. He seemed to have a lot of feelings, but a poor system of making them known. He was only a boy when I had known him. Perhaps this tendency of his had changed.

As I walked in my neighborhood it occurred to me that maybe he had lied to me. Maybe there was no Malaysian wife. Maybe it was a story he made up to win attention. He seemed like the type of boy who would do such a thing—the type of boy who, when he knew that a girl was no longer interested in sleeping with him, would make up a story about being beaten by his father just to gain her pity. The type of boy who didn’t mind appearing broken to lovers, and even hoped that his brokenness would entice new lovers to want to fix him.

I thought of his face when he had told the story and tried to discern if there had been any truth in him. I decided I couldn’t tell, or, at the very least, I couldn’t really remember his face. And then I decided the truth didn’t matter. Surely there had been a Malaysian wife somewhere, some version of