Never Without You

Chapter 1 – Noah

Islide my eyes closed and suck in a deep breath, trying my hardest to calm down. I need my heart to stop thumping, my chest to halt the aching, and my brain to stop spinning at the speed of light. But this has pissed me off and I don’t know if I can stop the rage.

This is mental, my best friend, Leo, declares in shock. I know that you have been playing the field a bit and there is a danger with that, but this....

He stares at the nude picture on my phone, showing the woman that I hooked up with a few nights ago, his eyes wide with shock. She has a heart design shaved in her pubic hair that wasn’t there when we slept together, and my name scrawled across her stomach in what looks like permanent marker.

I don’t know either, I admit. She seemed really normal when I met her. I didn’t think she was the sort of person who would become obsessive. I sigh loudly. I guess that I should have started panicking when she texted herself from my phone so that she would have my number. But that’s happened before and I haven’t ended up with messages like this.

How did you meet her? Was she just a random in a bar? Because I warned you about that.

I shoot him a look. That’s because you keep trying to encourage me to settle down and I don’t want to.

Doesn’t this drama make you want to settle down though? Find a nice girl to spend your life with?

I shudder. No, it doesn’t. Liv is just one woman. Her reaction isn’t normal. I’m sure she will forget about me soon enough and move on to someone else, find a new man to harass. Then I can get back to normal.

And normal is... you continuing to sleep around and get yourself into more situations like this one?

I roll my eyes. Just because you found your little happy ever after, doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone, does it? I think that you might be forgetting that I tried settling down once and it didn’t work out for me. So, forgive me if I’m happier by myself. I wasted my early twenties with someone who I thought would be around forever, so now I want to make up for it. I’m only thirty one, so I still have plenty of time to find my forever.

Leo parts his lips as if he’s going to give me some more unwelcome opinions about this, but thankfully he seems to think better of it at the last minute. I don’t need to hear what anyone else thinks is right for me. I’m a grown ass man who has his life together thank you very much. I’m capable of looking after myself.

Guys. Me and Leo both jump as if we have been caught doing something wrong. Yes, it’s our boss, but nothing to freak out over. We need you in the staff room.

Is anything going on? Leo asks as we follow him towards the staff room. Should we be worried?

We have a new staff member in the Math department, I want you all to meet her and make her feel welcome. She is new to the area and a little nervous about joining our prestigious team.

Me and Leo share a look. A newbie is always exciting, and I wonder who it is. Not that every day working in a university where you never know what is going to happen, but fresh blood is always fun.

Thank you everyone for coming, the Dean declares. This is Kelly Ford, our new teacher.

She waves shyly, a redness staining her cheeks as she does. I already know that this woman is going to be a hit here. Not only does she look nice and friendly, which is always welcome, but she is cute too. A real raven haired beauty with a tall, slim figure, a sweet heart shaped face, and deep brown eyes. The sort of woman that you would want to take home to your parents, the sort that you want to marry. Thankfully for me and her, I don’t ever have sex with anyone that I work with, or she might be in trouble. I would like to corrupt her, see what she could do in the bedroom... but workplace relationships are always far too complicated for words. Don’t shit where you sleep, you know? Its messy.

The Dean continues to introduce Kelly, but I tune out as much as I can. I’m not interested in getting to know this woman so what is the point? Anyway, I have my own issues going on. I can feel my cell phone vibrating like crazy in my pocket which can only be messages from Liv. More nudes, more requests or demands for a date, more anger because of my silence, followed by apologies and declarations of feelings... it’s exhausting.

I might have to block her number, cut her out of my life, I don’t have time for this. I was honest with her that it was only a one night thing, I always am so no one has any harboring wishes that I might change my mind and fall in love, but it seems like it wasn’t enough with her. How can I make it any clearer? How the hell can I make people understand that I don’t do commitment?

THE LUNCH MEETING SET the tone for a strange afternoon. My classes went okay, but the whole time I felt myself distracted. My cell phone might have been safely locked away in my drawer, but it’s been on my mind the entire day, leaving my head all over the place. Students picked it out when I got page numbers of the textbooks wrong and mixed up names. Ugh, this day....

I’m the English professor at Stansford University for crying out loud. I need to be on top of my game.

You coming? Leo calls to me. You got some time to talk. I want to discuss the new teacher with you.

Kelly? I narrow my eyes at him. Why do you want to talk about her? Remember, you’re attached.

I am, but you aren’t. He throws an arm around my shoulder. So, I was thinking of you really...

I have told you to stop this, haven’t I? I can’t help but laugh though. Because it isn’t going to happen. I don’t fool around with people I work with and I am not going to settle down, so leave it, will you?

As we reach the exit of the building, I freeze, shock bursting through my system. I blink a few times, trying to work out if I’m really seeing what I think I am. Because if I’m asleep right now, this is a fucking nightmare. A hell that I want to wake up from already before I lose my damn mind.

Mate, are you okay? I’m only shaken from my shock by Leo tapping me hard. You’ve gone all weird...

Fucking hell, I grumble while shaking my head. What the fuck is this now? She’s here.

She? Kelly? Of course Leo is confused because we were just in the middle of another conversation entirely.

No, not Kelly. Liv. My eyes go wide, I don’t know what the fuck to do here. She found me.

Fuck, not the crazy stalker woman? I nod emphatically. Shit, did you tell her where you worked? I shake my head no. Not even when you were a little bit tipsy? It didn’t slip out? I shake my head again. I know that didn’t happen because I never tell people where I work, to keep my professional and personal life separate. Shit, then she must have looked you up online. It can’t be that hard.

I don’t know why that’s a surprise after everything else that she’s done, but I still find this overwhelmingly weird. Liv must realize that this isn’t normal behavior. She can’t be that emotionally blind...

Noah! she shrieks top note as she spots me, making it impossible for me to run away and hide, which was starting to become my plan. Noah Holden, it’s me. I’m over here. Come and talk to me.

Do you want me to get rid of her? Leo offers in a whisper. I can try.

No, I don’t think that’s needed. I need to get rid of her and make myself very clear.

I take giant steps towards Liv, my emotions now reaching boiling point. I am like a fucking pressure cooker about to explode. I shouldn’t, not outside my place of work, which might be why she has come here to meet me, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold myself back.

Liv, what the hell are you doing? I hiss, letting my anger out. This is my work; you can’t be here.

What? Oh my God, she actually looks stunned. This can’t be a surprise. Why not? If you are ghosting me, I need to find a way to communicate with you somehow, don’t I?

Liv giggles and flips her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder before coming towards me as if she’s going to hug me. In sheer horror, I take a step backwards, wondering how I ever liked her in the first place. How didn’t I see what this was going to turn in to? I will have to blame the beer goggles for that one.

I haven’t ghosted you. It isn’t like that at all. I told you that I don’t do long term, I thought you understood that. Now, you have to stop with all the messages and the pictures. It’s getting to be too much...

Ooh yeah, I suppose it’s hard to work around students with a rock hard cock, isn’t it? She smirks. I just wanted you to know that part of my body belongs to you and it always will. That’s why I labeled myself. I keep thinking that I might get it tattooed so it’s there all the time. Wouldn’t that be sexy?

Do not do that! I shout back in horror. Don’t even think about it. I don’t want my name tattooed on you anywhere. You do not belong to me and I don’t you. Don’t you understand? My whole body is encasing in heat as the anger starts to get to me. I am really trying to reel myself in, but this isn’t simple. Liv, you need to leave me alone, okay? I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but you do. It was a one time thing, I don’t like you like that. You need to leave me alone.

She pauses for a second while all of the color drains from her face, which has me a little victorious because my words might well have sunk in. But then her lips curl up into a smirk and I realize that she isn’t going to let this go. It’s like a challenge for her. Great. What the fuck am I going to do now?

Chapter 2 – Kelly

Ican’t stop shaking . I have been trembling all day, probably all week long really, ever since I got the call back from Stansford University offering me the job, the dream position that I didn’t dare hope would come my way. I’m hoping that once I get used to it here, that will change.

I need my life here to work out, it can’t not. There is so much riding on this. I have to make it work. There isn’t a chance in hell that I can go back to my old life in Colorado, not after what I left behind. It’s done; this is my fresh start and I will put all of myself into it to make it work out.

How was your first day? the head of the math department and my new colleague, Julia, asks with a welcoming smile on her face. Her calm demeanor reminding me that I can have a nice life again, it doesn’t all need to be bad.

Er, yes, it was good. I grin with a smile so wide it stretches across my face. A little nerve wracking, but the students are all very enthusiastic and keen to learn, which makes a massive difference. They all treated me well and the other members of staff have been very nice to me, which is good...

All except for one. I don’t know if he thinks that I didn’t notice him in my introduction meeting, but I did. Someone told me that his name is Noah Holden and that he’s known for being a bit cold with the people that aren’t in his direct circle of friends. He certainly wasn’t showing any interest in me, which just confirms that I won’t ever be in that group. Not that I need to be. A life living under the radar will suit me just fine, thank you very much.

Well, that’s lovely to hear, but please let me know if you do face any issues. That’s what I’m here for, to help you out. I don’t want you to feel like you are alone in all of this, okay? She rubs my arm reassuringly.

I nod gratefully. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

We talk for a little while longer, with Julia opening up to me a bit to let me see that she wants to start a friendship with me. That’s nice, but I don’t know if I can give her the same back. My walls are truly up around me and not coming down any time soon. After what I have been through...

Much as I’m glad to have someone who I can talk to, I don’t know if I will ever be able to open up and speak honestly. My trust level is pretty much non existent these days.

You know, Julia finally declares with a smile. We are all going out for a quick drink after work. Nothing too heavy, just one. It’s something that we all do from time to time to blow off some steam and bounce ideas off of one another. Would you like to come along? There is a little bar down the road.

Er... I need to go to this, don’t I? Much as I want to remain mostly under the radar, I’m going to have to let people in this new town know that I exist. Especially if this move becomes permanent which I really hope it does. Sure, why not. I smile thinly. But just for a quick one. I need to get home...

Oh yes, we all do. It won’t be for much time; I can assure you. She rubs my arm. It will be great. You can get to know some of the staff better. I’m sure you will make some great friends here.

As Julia leaves the university building and I walk with her, I can’t help but wonder if I have made the right decision. I really should get home right away, I have so much to do, and I don’t want to overwhelm myself by piling on too much at once. But if I want to stop trembling with nerves every day, it’s for the best.

Ooh, that’s Leo over there. Julia nudges me and whispers as if we are best girlfriends now. He’s super hot and really nice. Attached, unfortunately, but I like him a lot. If he ever becomes single, well you know...

A giggle bursts out of my mouth before I’m ready for it. I didn’t even know that it was coming, so it shocks me to the core. God, it must have been forever since I laughed, and actually it feels kinda nice.

Oh, and over there is Noah. His name makes me blood run cold. The one person I don’t like around here. He’s also a gorgeous man, but a massive player. Keep away... But, you know, if you’re single and ready to mingle yourself.... She pauses for a second, giving me a chance to answer, which I don’t. I am not ready to share anything about my love life. Look at him now, arguing with one of the women he has probably played recently.

I lean around Julia to witness his arguing fiercely with a very beautiful blonde woman. Judging by their body language, particularly hers, this isn’t just ‘someone that he has played’ this is a longterm lover, a girlfriend or something, that he is in the middle of a tiff with. He’s angry too, even his ears have gone red from the rage. This only confirms what I already thought about him, he’s unpleasant and not someone that I want to have anything to do with. I don’t like angry men; I have had enough of them for one lifetime...

All of a sudden, I’m flooded with a memory. A vision of someone screaming in my face, telling me that I’m worthless, not fit for this world at all. I also fiercely recall believing him as well, thinking that every word he said to me was right. He convinced me to believe I was all of those things.

That’s how I can imagine Noah being. Yelling and screaming for no reason, just because he is in a mood. That’s why he’s shouting at his girlfriend right now. She probably hasn’t done a damn thing wrong and it’s just him. Him and his fucked up view of the world. A view that I can’t help wondering if all men share. It seems like women are just there to be metaphorical punching bags for guys like them whenever they want it...

Which is exactly why I am one hundred percent better off alone. I know that for sure.

Hey, are you okay? Julia pinches my side, shaking me from my thoughts about Noah, bringing me back in to the present moment where I need my faculties intact. You went all weird there.

Sorry. I shake my head hard. I’m just a bit overwhelmed that’s all. Trying to wrap my head around everything and get used to everyone’s names. There are a lot of people working here. It’s a bit much to remember.

Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Julia laughs. I have been here for years and I don’t know everyone’s names yet. No one expects you to be on top of it, it’s fine. Just focus on your department because the math department is obviously the best. She giggles again. So, we are most important.

I am starting to warm up to Julia more than I ever intended to. I don’t know if I can be a best friend to her, but she seems like the one person that I would like to have a friendship with if I can make that possible. Now that I’ve warmed up to her, I’m a little more open to the idea, I’m actually excited.

I’m changing already, I realize as me and Julia head inside the bar. I feel stronger already.

I hold my head higher just thinking that, knowing that I’m on the way to finding myself. The person that I left behind in Colorado is long gone, she doesn’t exist anymore. The person I was before is coming back. Or maybe that’s not what’s happening, maybe I’m becoming someone new. Stansford could be the right place for me, I might finally climb out of my shell and become the best version of myself. Now, wouldn’t that be something? If this could finally be the part of my life where I find that happiness I have been searching for.

I STARE AT THE CROWD surrounding me, smiling brightly as I can. God, these people are amazing, so inviting and friendly. It seems like everyone wants to get to know me as well, which I think is awesome. I have worked other teaching jobs before in various establishments, but it hasn’t ever been this way before.

Sure, I don’t have a clue what most of these people are called, even if they have told me a number of times, but I’m no longer shaking. Over time I will get used to everyone and learn all about them. Their names, their lives, what they do... all that stuff. Because right now, I am determined that this is where I want to stay. I like it here, it makes me feel warm and safe, which is something I never thought I would get again.

I’m so glad that you came out. Julia slings an arm over my shoulder and pulls me to her. It’s fun having you around. I’m happy you’re working in my department, you kick ass.

I think that she might have had more than one drink in the short time that we have been here, alcoholic ones too, which I haven’t. I’m sticking with sparkling water. But she makes me laugh. I think she’s fun too.

Thank you, Julia. I’m happy too. Stansford was the right choice for me, for sure.

What brings you here? I wanted to ask you that before, but it didn’t seem right.

My blood runs hot and cold all at the same time, I don’t know which way I’m supposed to feel. Er, I... I can’t tell her the truth. I need to make something up. Family issues. Needed a fresh start.

I silently pray that will be enough for her, that she won’t push further, and it seems like my wishes are answered. Got you, she says with a wink. We shall say no more on that one.

Okay, so it clearly isn’t enough, she obviously doesn’t trust my answer one bit, but she’s willing to let it go, thank God. I allow my shoulders to roll forwards and relax a little.

We all have complicated stuff, she says with a one shouldered shrug. It’s normal.

I don’t know if my life fits in with what she thinks is normal, but I nod and go along with it. I have to go soon, I can’t stick around for much longer, so I would much rather enjoy myself while I’m here, rather than worry about the mess of my real life. That can come later, and I know that it will. I spend most of my time panicking about what has happened and what could come, even if I have done everything that I can to cover my tracks, the worry is still there. So, what I need to do is just enjoy worry free time while I can.

Chapter 3 – Noah

Istare across the table and narrow my eyes as I watch the beautiful red head take a sip of her cocktail while flirting heavily with me using only her eyes. I know now why I agreed to a date with this woman last weekend, because she’s basically sex on legs. A porn show just for me. Those plump lips of hers would fit really nicely around my cock. I can picture her cleavage bouncing up and down as we fuck. I bet she makes a lot of noise in the sack, making it extra exciting.

So, why the hell isn’t my heart in it? Why can’t I muster up the ability to