The Frozen River: Seeking Silence in the Himalaya

PROLOGUE

The Pursuit of Silence

The valley

Silence, snow and solitude have got hold of me and will not let go. I am possessed by mountains, cold and ice. Winter has a very firm grip upon my soul. It is like a disease, a form of spiritual possession, mountain fever. And yet there is no escape. I am here for the duration, locked into a little-known Tibetan Buddhist valley at high altitude, sandwiched between the main Himalayan range and the Karakoram.

One by one all the high passes have shut behind me and will not re-open again for six or seven months. The local people, the Zangskaris, spend half their lives huddled round small stoves burning yak dung and tamarisk scrub to keep warm. It is dark in their houses. How they survive and how they live over the winter surrounded by so much snow and ice is still something of a mystery. Only one other Westerner has spent a winter in Zangskar, an eccentric Hungarian linguist called Alexander Csoma de Kőrös. But that was over 150 years ago, and of the Zangskari winter he left no record.

Imagine if your family had lived in the mountains for a thousand years or more; what effect would that have upon your mind and your thinking, on your awareness and the way in which you perceived things? Imagine how much silence your family would have absorbed and accumulated along the way. Zangskaris try to preserve the teaching about the silence that emerges between words. The teaching is at times very formal but also very subtle, hinting at the space which exists when words run out. And then there is the silence of Dzogchen and the mountains, which cannot really be taught – only passed on from teacher to pupil. The language of Buddhism and compassion runs through their daily lives in Zangskar like an invisible thread.

To the south lies the vibrant and colourful Indian subcontinent. To the north, the dry, sandy deserts of Central Asia; to the west, Kashmir, the jagged front line with Pakistan; to the east, the lonely, vast nomadic plateau of Tibet. A place of meditation, debate and monastic scholarship. Zangskar is remote even by Himalayan standards.

Deep silence, deep snow and deep solitude. These are the inner coordinates that matter most to me. For various reasons I have sought out this seclusion, this retreat from the world. Ultimate peace and quiet. Remoteness is a state of mind – you either possess it, or you have to go and find it. But once you have found that particular form of solitude and tasted its fruits, you will go back time and time again to touch base with the wilderness and emptiness that live within the mountains. To embrace such mountains is perhaps part of the human condition.

The prospect of travelling down the frozen Zangskar river beckoned just as strongly as the silence of winter. Sleeping rough, sleeping in caves, sleeping out in the snow – you live on your wits. One false step, one major crack in the ice or serious slip that catapults you towards the open water and you are lost. The river is fast, deep and cold. A heavy pack drags you down very quickly. A swift end. Zangskar is dangerous in winter.

More than anything else in the world I wanted to make this journey down the frozen river. To the best of my knowledge no Westerner had ever sampled its delights and dangers. Although it was a challenge that I relished, I had much to learn. The mountains were calling in a silent language that I had yet to decipher. I longed for ice and the solitude, but the mountains had many tricks up their sleeve.

The ice road

Sometimes if the ice was clear I could see right through to the very bottom of the river bed where pebbles lay in many colours: grey, rusty brown, black, orange, even mauve. The water had a wonderful greenish tinge. At other times the ice was so thick, strong and opaque that you could almost drive a tank along it. When the ice gets thin the river becomes truly dangerous, wafer-thin ice with hidden whirlpools silently churning away down below. A trap that lies in wait for the unwary.

As you tread upon its surface, the frozen river leaves its indelible mark upon your consciousness. It becomes the mirror of your soul. You develop an inner strength and confidence that stays with you for the rest of your life. A yardstick. A rite of passage. An initiation. Zangskaris call the frozen river chadar: the ice sheet, ice road, ice blanket, frozen one. They respect it. It is a central part of their winter.

You quickly learn to read the ice, taking in old fractures and broken lines at a glance, seeking out inconsistencies that upset the river’s own intention and intrigue. The river is alive with subtle shifts of direction and momentum. Solid currents woven into intricate patterns. Streams of trapped bubbles. Long lines of them, as if a diver were down below. Oval, mirrored, many-layered. Hypnotic. The flow in suspension. Encased in ice. Preserved in aspic, solidified, mute.

The feeling of being trapped in the gorge for days on end is not at all unpleasant. Almost comforting, like being embraced by mountains. There is a sense of expectation that has a certain edge to it, as if trespassing, a frisson shared with cold, sharp, early morning air. You are very alive. Adrenalin kicks in. Your breathing changes, you become aware of every sound. You plumb the depths of the silence. You are not just trapped in the gorge, you are running on a sinuous course that curves and then cuts through a vast mountain range. Geology sliced through, laid bare. Millions of years of sedimentary rocks, twisted, contorted, at times almost vertical, Buddhist time and geological time on a par with each other. You slide, skate and shuffle as if the river is pulling you along. The journey has a momentum all of its own, like running on a silver thread.

When you are on the chadar, the frozen river, everything changes. Your life has different parameters. Your world is narrowed down to this gorge. You become very focused, as all climbers must be. Balance becomes vital. You test yourself against the rock, against the ice, against the frozen river itself. You become tall and confident, attuned to the river’s voice. You learn to read its character by tapping the ice with your stick and patiently listening to the echo, and the echo of the echo, to gauge its solidity, for you are tapping into the river’s own energy, reading its mind as it twists and turns, almost like the mind of a wild animal, predicting the flow of the river under the ice and at certain times the flow of water over the ice. Like sonar or asdic, you wait for the returning ping. Resonance and pitch are vital. Tap, tap, tap. You listen to the echo bouncing back. Each vibration has a fragility. You read the ice visually as well. Each little imperfection registered, logged just in case the levels change. You navigate by the odd stunted juniper tree, small side nallahs (gullies, side valleys or steep ravines and watercourses that are often dried up), caves, tall frozen waterfalls, old avalanche cones, certain outcrops of rock, odd patterns in the strata, changes of direction in the colours and the shifts of light. Your mind logs them all.

You learn that rivers freeze in different ways at different times. Sometimes the frozen river breaks rank and rears up a dozen feet or more in the air, solid and chaotic, pack ice riding up over itself in great thick broken sheets. Sometimes the frozen river detonates like artillery as it moves and buckles, sharp cracks that echo upwards in the narrow confines of the gorge. It keeps you on your toes. Cracks accelerate. Sometimes the frozen river is silent. Sometimes it talks in riddles. You have to read the runes. Learn from the older men. Read their silence as well. The mind is always alert.

When I went down the frozen river alongside the Zangskaris I was not only aware of the danger but of intense beauty. Time had no meaning. We were as if in orbit, totally disconnected from the safety of the world as we had known it. We walked on borrowed time. We were in the grip of a journey and an adventure that was far larger than ourselves. The bonds with the rock and the mountains were as strong as the bonds between each of us.

Sometimes I felt very safe, at other times I was in great peril. Occasionally when the ice gave out I had to climb out of the sheer-sided gorge and take to the cliffs, climbing upwards to find a horizontal fault. That was when you were closest to the rock, gingerly creeping along narrow ledges fifty or sixty feet above the open water with no ropes or belays. My fingers would be numb and unresponsive. I would cling on for dear life, holding my stick and at the same time manoeuvring along the ledge with a heavy pack. When the cliff was close to your face, your nose rubbed the rock and you could smell its fragrance: intimate, earthy, hard, almost metallic.

I followed the Zangskaris, who are as agile as ibex and as wily as snow leopards. They are butter traders and carried many kilos of valuable butter on their backs to sell in the bazaars of Leh, the main town of central Ladakh. Fine yellow butter made from the female yaks on the high pastures, now stored in goatskins or crinkled sheep’s stomachs, butter that is sought after for Tibetan salt tea and highly prized in winter. Butter trading is their only source of income in winter.

But the Zangskari winter is not just one winter; it is the memory of many winters rolled into one. It is the story of survival, not just of one village, but of many villages – a collective memory that is as large as the valley itself. Maybe ten thousand souls are trapped each year in the Zangskar valley, including monks and nuns, yaks, sheep and goats. Winter is nature’s way of preserving itself. Only man can destroy the silence. Only man can appreciate it.

These times on the ice road were off limits. They were beyond the normal remit of village life. A strange rendezvous within the mountains. Only for a month or two each winter can the frozen river be used safely as a highway. The chadar is a world unto itself. Some Zangskaris make the journey every year, others twice or even three times in a single winter. They make it a central part of their lives. A dangerous economy. Trading mountains for wisdom, butter for rupees and precious supplies. Each person takes back what they can in the depths of their minds, that is all you can take from the valley, but it will last you a lifetime. Such silence is like a jewel set deep in the mountains. A natural way of being that takes root of its own accord in your consciousness.

Very occasionally men fall into the river and are swept under the ice with their packs. Others are caught by avalanches, whose power is unpredictable and swift. This was a foray into the unknown. New territory. A real challenge. I would be making the journey both ways.

In Zangskar they have their own dialect, which some say relates back to old Tibetan where the ‘silent’ letters in Tibetan are still pronounced. Tenzin is Stenzin and Padum is Spadum. But it is the unspoken language of winter that I want to explore, the silent language of mountains and survival.

Here the mountains are guardians of silence and the long winter a vital part of that equation. The invisible energy of winter has no name and cannot easily be defined, yet it is very real and abundant. It has a wisdom all of its own. It is traded in small caves and monasteries. Some even call it Buddhism.

White mountains

In Sanskrit Him Alaya translates as ‘abode of snow’ or ‘snow dwelling’. In Tibetan or Ladakhi, the peaks are simply called Pabu Riga or ‘white mountains’. In reality they are a vast, complicated maze of sharp, awe-inspiring mountains, swift rivers, rich pastures and long, wide glaciers – a zone where snow leopards, bears, ibex, wolves, marmots and the mythical Tibetan snow lions roam, a belt of mountains two hundred miles wide that stretches for one and a half thousand miles along India’s northern borders, one of nature’s most challenging and complex barriers.

The Himalaya is not one range but many. At the western end there is the Dhaula Dhar, the Pir Panjal, the main Himalayan range, and the Zangskar and Ladakh ranges, then finally the Karakoram, which in Turkic means ‘black gravel’ or ‘black sands’. These mountains are a direct result of the Indian subcontinent shifting itself further northward each year. An enormous collision in slow motion, the mountains are young, tempestuous and unpredictable, the peaks still rising. Landslides are common. A world of its own – a spiritual reservoir, a place of pilgrimage and devotion. The source of all things in India: life and water.

Zangskar is made up of two high-altitude valleys drained by cold, fast-flowing, tempestuous rivers: Stod and Lungnak. These meet in the central plain to form the Zangskar river, which then flows north through a gorge for about a hundred miles, twisting and turning this way and that, cutting through a whole mountain range till it meets the River Indus. This junction is the northern end of the chadar, the ice road that connects Zangskar with central Ladakh and the old trading town of Leh, with its old bazaar and crumbling caravanserais. From Leh, ancient connections once spread out like a spider’s web across the Karakoram to the old city states of Kashgar, Yarkand and Khotan, and further east to the trading oasis of Dunhuang, with its highly decorated Buddhist caves. Central Asia – a meeting place of many ideas and beliefs. The Silk Road, a slender path weaving through the mountains along which people’s lives were led. Leh and its traders have many stories to tell.

Ladakh, known as ‘Little Tibet’, ‘Western Tibet’, ‘Indian Tibet’ or the ‘Land of High Passes’, is a remote Himalayan kingdom about four times the size of Wales. The four major mountain ranges that run through Ladakh are subdivided into small, secluded valleys. It is one of the highest inhabited places in the world, a remarkable enclave and a fine tribute to the inhabitants’ farming skills. These mountains are also crucial to Zangskar’s seclusion and individuality. The lowest pass into Zangskar from the west is at 14,500ft and the highest from the south over the main Himalayan range is over 18,000ft and only open for one or two months in the summer. These higher routes often cross glaciers riddled with crevasses. There is no easy way into Zangskar, and no easy way out.

The valley is almost entirely self-sufficient. But in late winter food and fodder can sometimes run perilously low. Solitary confinement, but of the very best kind. Seclusion. A rare commodity these days.

Dry, dusty dry, fierce Central Asian dry, the climate of Ladakh is that of a mountain desert. It lies in a rain shadow where everything is dependent on glaciers, meltwater and irrigation. Cold in winter, hot in summer.

The room

For winter and most of the next summer I lived in the middle of Zangskar in a small, draughty, mud-bricked room. This was Padum, the capital of Zangskar, which in its heyday had its own seven-storey fort-cum-palace. The palace had crumbled. The village had seen better days.

The small room jutted out of the roof of the house and was only used in summer, which is why it was so draughty. It was exposed to the elements on all four sides. There was no heating. Yet that room was vital to me. My hermit’s cell. A place of retreat and contemplation. Base camp, where I spread out all my food and belongings.

To cook I had a blue compact petrol stove, which was excellent. I also had a Primus stove that ran on kerosene, but the jets often got blocked up and had to be pricked. My low-grade fuel resulted in lots of dark smoke and even steam emerging. It often spluttered till the stove really got going.

All my belongings and expedition paraphernalia lay scattered on the floor of the room, dumped higgledy-piggledy just as they had been when they were offloaded. Four sturdy packhorses had brought the supplies into the valley from Panikar, the roadhead in Suru, a journey of a hundred miles on foot over the Pense La, a relatively easy pass in summer. But this was mid-November, when snow could come down at any moment.

The walk into Zangskar took six days, with temperatures down to about -20°C. At that time there was no road into Zangskar, so the sound of an internal combustion engine had never been heard in the valley. Being a backwater had its own distinct advantages. Such deep and continuous silence was a great virtue and a rare commodity, highly prized by meditators, the true connoisseurs of silence.

Among many other things I wanted to study the effect of the road being built into the valley. Started in the 1960s, the road to Zangskar had progressed very slowly. It was as if the clock had been wound back five hundred years. Zangskar in those days was like old Ladakh – ancient Tibet – a world apart. A rare survival. A spiritual gem. A horse and sheep economy. A monastic realm of monks and nuns, where barley and yaks reigned supreme.

I also realised that by studying the valley I was possibly – in some measure – changing the outcome. In the physics of relativity this is called the ‘observer effect’. I was, after all, an outsider. I also had a hunch that many more people would visit over the next few decades and thus alter the fragile balance that had evolved without modern technology. In the future Zangskar’s peace and quiet would be under very real threat. Once the road was through, their world would change dramatically and in ways that could not be predicted. Younger men and women seemed to welcome the road and its connection with modern India, but others were more sceptical. It was a crucial year. There was no turning back.

Ice ferns

At first light I would lean up on one elbow and, with my arm outstretched, reach up with my right hand and with bare fingernails scrape the ice away from the inside of the window to get a better view of the mountain that lay behind the village. The window was close to the floor and only had two small panes of glass, each held within a simple wooden frame. Every night the frost slowly crept back into the room and flexed its silver muscles to take control once more. On the inner surface of the glass, icy ferns formed from the moisture of my own breath and night-time breathing, moisture which within the very dry air slowly formed its own gallery. Long, curved, delicate ferns reached out from the borders, from the corners of the frame and eventually curled back on themselves. These patterns were a constant source of enchantment, for they grew silently above my head and in the dark each crystal curve formed its own trajectory, swirling like underwater currents. By morning each pane of glass had created its own universe in miniature, which, when observed carefully, looked for all the world like a map of the mountain range within which I was trapped, with ridges and side valleys, hidden nallahs and deep gorges, all unexplored and enticing.

This forest of rime and hoar frost was wondrous and every night made, as if on a whim, its own secret patterns, icy maps that I longed to study and traverse with my eye, as if flying or drifting above them in a hot-air balloon or even peering the wrong way down a telescope or the barrel of a microscope into the substrata of some little-known crystal world or the inner workings of a new species invisible to the naked eye. These icy maps reminded me of fractal geometry and Mandelbrot patterns that repeated themselves on many different levels of magnification. Even the tips curled like ferns. It seemed that these mysterious maps in some way mirrored and then charted my own mind. An intimate survey of unknown constellations where ideas and journeys grew of their own accord, flourished and then jostled for attention and space before vanishing as mysteriously as they had arrived.

As if the mind was transformed from being merely a window through which we observed the outside world and other people, into something much more interesting, where a simple pane of glass became metamorphosed overnight into a thing of wonder, a glass negative, or light-sensitive plate, such as early photographers used to use. And upon the plate, exposed, a rich, opaque sheen upon which our nocturnal ideas, our hopes and fears, our past and future peregrinations, our deepest secrets and lucid longings could engrave themselves, and where for a few precious hours at least, these notions were stored and made visible to ourselves. As if each fern were a dream that went back in time to the outer rim of the simple wooden window frame, which held the pattern secure. Back to the very source of things, where language had another dimension and even the smallest flicker of the candle mattered. Ice is simply water that has stopped in its tracks, the flow arrested. A crystal universe that has its own rules.

And so it was that every morning I would retrace my own particular journey back through other mountain ranges. It was as if by being very still for weeks and months on end, the mind could at long last catch up with itself. And in those delicate ferns and ice crystals I could see my own inner journey from one end of a long mountain chain to another. As if each peak were connected to its neighbour, and in the rhythm of the valleys and rivers each peak moved with the seasons and shed its ideas like meltwater. Mountain thinking. A rich, varied landscape that fed my soul. But winter was long in the making.

Winter, winter. A time of gathering in, of holding close, of paring down, of minimal movement, of unfolding hibernation. Time without boundaries, which in its own way cultivated a richness and a sensitivity that had been buried within me for many years, a deep sense of returning, of coming home at last. I was remote yet perfectly at peace with myself.

In that room those ice ferns and ice patterns, so thinly engraved onto the window, became my friends and relatives. I used to follow them and read into them all sorts of journeys and ideas, and yet it was impossible to detect or predict points at which the story might change course or an idea become reality. Many of these narratives stretched deep into the past, but others leapt into the future. It was a place of germination as well as rumination, an internal barometer that registered the smallest change. The dialogue was with one’s self and the outer world. Yet there was no real need to retreat. The natural world was perfectly calm and the Zangskari culture a mirror into which I gazed.

Yet every day I had to destroy a part of this delicate and intricate world, and carve through this map of ice ferns, breaking the delicate ice filaments to see another natural wonder, which was of a different scale altogether and overlooked the whole valley. As I scraped away I felt the coldness of the ice crystals accumulate under my fingernails. I listened to the scraping noise, and then I would turn my head, strain my neck a little and look up, and while still lying down on the floor I would catch the first glimpse of dawn as the sudden pinkish light gently touched the mountain top that lay to the south. Very slowly I would watch as the light crept down the mountainside towards the monastery and then the village. I would wait for its warm rays to reach the room before stirring, unless of course snow was falling, which it once did for ten whole days.

There was no bed, no mattress, no blanket, no charpoy. My only luxury a sleeping bag that was laid out on a threadbare carpet. Under this was a bit of old, worn hessian sack that had been used as padding for the pack animals under their wooden saddles. This provided some small insulation, but the pressed earth floor was undulating and dusty. A little bumpy yet no real draughts. The ice crystals under my fingernails were unbelievably cold. Life was very basic. That was how I liked it. I always slept on the floor, it was warmer that way.

The window

That window was crucial to my existence. It was my eye onto the world, a lens like a porthole through which I could peer – and it lay just above where I slept. Those two panes of glass meant everything to me. They were only nine inches high by nine inches wide, and yet they would have been carefully carried on a man’s back for a hundred miles or more over the mountain passes, wrapped in straw and hessian and carried on wooden frames like artist’s easels to prevent them breaking. Glass in this valley was still something of a novelty and had an enchantment. It was treated with great respect and doubled if not tripled its value with its precarious journey. In their winter quarters the villagers often only had a wooden board that they opened slightly to let the smoke of the open cooking fires escape. It was often too cold to have glass in winter. Light came either from candles or small oil lamps using mustard oil. Some had old-style hurricane lanterns. One or two even had the newfangled pressurised Tilley lamps with a white mantle that glowed as they pumped it up. These ran on kerosene and were a constant source of entertainment, and for the man that owned the lantern a source of pride and status.

Even the wood for the window frame had travelled several hundred miles up the winding valleys from Kashmir, the lengths of timber carried on the backs of horses and yaks over the same passes that I had crossed (Zoji La and Pense La). Some timber also came from the south from the other side of the main Himalayan range, having been dragged across glaciers. Horses and men sometimes slipped down crevasses and had to be rescued with ropes. The temporary roadhead in Suru was a hundred miles away. That was where I had set out from in mid-November with four packhorses, a journey not without its problems.

Like most windows in this valley, the frame had open latticework at the bottom to let the air in, for this was a summer room. The passage of air was then cool and welcome, but in winter it was very different. Winds coming down from the mountains were often cruel and dusty. Whirling dervishes, dust devils, djinns, call them what you will, were common as the wind raced across the central plain. Cold winds that came off the glaciers chilled you to the bone.

This latticework below the window and the gaps round the window frames were temporarily blocked off with pages torn from a child’s exercise book. I jammed cotton wool into the gaps with my penknife, then tried to seal the joints with precious strips of Elastoplast to keep the wind and dust out. But fine particles of snow nevertheless crept in and covered everything.

Often I would wake covered in a fine dusting of snow. But it did not melt, even on the sleeping bag, for the temperature inside the room and outside was not that different. I had two plastic greenhouse thermometers so that I could monitor the temperatures. I discovered that if it was -20°C outside it was about -10°C inside. If it was -30°C outside, it was about -15°C inside. All very scientific, till a young lad stole one of the thermometers. It was returned a day or two later but sadly it was broken.

After a while the degree of cold becomes academic. Dry cold can be very deceptive. But when you are travelling outdoors for long distances on your own it is a matter of life, death and stamina. The main thing was to avoid sweat that then freezes on your clothing, and frostbite to fingers, toes, ears and nose. Sometimes when cross-country skiing I tied a blue and white spotted handkerchief across my mouth like a bandit or bank robber to stop the freezing air entering my lungs. The main thing was to keep moving and only stop for a few minutes at a time unless the sun was out. I had to prepare myself for the frozen river.

I slept with a dark blue woollen balaclava pulled down over my head and fingerless mitts on my hands in case I got frostbite. Three pairs of socks, long johns and two sweaters, one oiled wool, a fisherman’s Guernsey. Just right for the mountains and very hard wearing. Even indoors you had to be careful.

From here the village looked for all the world like a small convoy of tramp steamers with deck cargo. Flat roofs jostled with each other, covered in piles of firewood, kindling, scrub, roots, tamarisk and hay. Hatches all battened down for a storm and the odd grey-blue wisp of wood smoke wafting in the early morning air. Always quiet first thing, and if the weather was good the animals would be let out for fresh air and left to their own devices. They did not stray far and just milled around. They were very social and had their own pecking order. They valued human contact and were on almost equal terms to the people. For water, they ate snow.

Halfway down the outside wall was the third pane of glass. This was green and slightly frosted, and when the sun eventually hit the glass it cast a magnificent greenish light that gave the room the air of a monastic chapel or hermit’s cell. Such joys of colour must have lifted the souls of monks long ago, encouraging them to believe in the sanctity of light and the visual spectrum of nature’s palette. Such small delights made life here not just bearable but bountiful. Light was a resource in winter, and unlike the Arctic and Antarctic regions there were not the interminable hours of darkness to contend with. You made use of every scrap of sun to warm yourself, and many people worked on their rooftops spinning and weaving whenever they could.

When I first moved in I measured the room with an old wooden ski pole with leather straps and round baskets at the base, more akin to those used by Shackleton or Scott than what you might see on the chic slopes of the Alps. The room was 9ft 6in wide and 14ft 2in long. It was not a true rectangle, and the corresponding sides were about a foot longer in each direction, which gave it an interesting visual perspective. Nothing was quite square or even. This suited me