This Side of Heaven

As the living world endures a series of nuclear cataclysms, new trees sprout every day along the fringes of a garden, where more and more individuals gather over countless nights, telling and retelling their stories. Some trees vanish over time. Some trees flourish, harden and remain for an unspeakable duration, taking forever to disappear.

1. THE VAGRANT

In the beginning, there was the light.

Even though it was night, the light had come, blinding and all-consuming.

It is not unlike the light that comes from our sky here, if you stared up for long enough into its unnatural glow. Do you notice how our sky is never blue, just dirty white or an uneven yellow?

When the light came in the capital, nobody thought: The end of the world! Nobody thought, Nuclear bomb! I did not think about anything at all—the light took over everything.

Then the buildings were slammed to smithereens as if struck by a million wrecking balls all at once. Then the thermal radiation. Terrible, swift, searing agony; my skin burning and peeling off with such rapidity, until there was nothing left of my flesh to peel away.

It must have been what my young daughter had experienced every second of her short life. Every other hour, I had to bandage and re-bandage her little body. I had to nurse her incessant blisters. I used to pat or stroke her with gloved hands to mitigate the constant screaming. I was not able to touch her directly for fear of causing infection.

What kind of universe would create an innocent child with such a condition? What could she have done in her previous life to deserve this? Epidermolysis bullosa, I think the condition is called. It is funny how I am able to pronounce these words so clearly now, ever since I have come here.

We lived in a province far away from the main capital. My husband abandoned us, after gambling away much of our savings. I was left all alone to care for our poor, shrieking, afflicted child. I had run out of money from my cleaning jobs, so I could not provide the best treatment for my baby. With enough money, I could have brought her to the capital to receive better treatment. I could have paid for a bone marrow transplant that would supply stem cells producing the collagen protein her body desperately needed.

My daughter died. I was left alone. I used what little money I had left to cremate her. I poured her ashes into the river where I used to bring her when she was not in pain.

I left behind my cleaning jobs and the province to head to the capital on my own. I needed to forget my life. I needed to forget myself. I only brought two pieces of hand luggage when I got on the train. When I arrived, I decided never to work again. I would never care for myself in the same way again. I would simply survive. I would fulfil the barest demands of my ageing body.

It was cold when I reached the capital. I set up a sleeping space in the souterrain beside the railway station where I had alighted. I wrapped myself in blankets and raggedy, duvet covers that I had packed with me. I slept in the echoey silence of the brightly lit passageway. I slept in spite of blinding fluorescent lights, which were never shut off. I was not the only homeless person in the souterrain. There were other women and men who had first observed me with curiosity. When they realised that I was not a threat to their personal space and scattered belongings—open suitcases, boxes, newspapers, blankets—they left me alone.

I remember that first night in the capital, my head buried under my blankets. I dreamt of my daughter. In my dream, she did not cry or make a sound. In my dream, she was sleeping in my arms and her skin was unblemished. We were sitting beside the river where I had decanted her ashes; we held hands and sang songs as the river murmured with approval.

Oh, and on a side note, have you noticed how there are no rivers here? No lakes or ponds. No rain, either. How do the grass and those trees thrive, when this weather is unchanging?

Let me carry on. Once the capital was obliterated—I had heard rumours of a possible World War, but I had not thought that it would begin so soon, and with such an initial bang—

If I had known long before that the capital would be bombed, would I still have left my province? I think we all know the answer to this question.

After the capital exploded, I woke up here, on an open field under a tree just beyond the edge of the town. I checked my body for burns. My body was the same body that had left for the capital all those months ago. But I also felt lighter, more energetic. I lay down on the grass, resting the back of my head against the tree, peering up into its branches, which were oddly devoid of leaves. I gazed up into a pale, white sky.

I had the unshakeable certainty that I was no longer alive.

The blinding light, my skin burning and peeling away—I had to be dead. Because of what happened to the capital, I was here.

When I was still alive, by the time I woke up in the mornings, I would head to the nearest shopping mall to search for leftovers in the rubbish bins or from abandoned tables at the food court, keeping vigilant as I ate so that I would not be shooed away by security guards or waiters. I would also use the restrooms in the mall to wash myself as thoroughly as I could at the public sinks.

Since I woke up in this place, I have suffered neither hunger nor thirst.

I lay there under the tree that first time I found myself here, wondering what to do next. All my belongings were gone. Not that I had much to begin with. Not that I would need my belongings anymore. There would be no more need of blankets and duvets, since I felt neither warm nor cold here. I was even filled with a deepening sense of peace, knowing that I would not want for anything anymore. I closed my eyes while under that tree. The light from the sky was bright but it was incapable of blinding me. I was also incapable of sleep. Perhaps I would never sleep again.

Suddenly I felt the grass move under my body. It startled me so sharply that I jumped to my feet. I looked down. The grass was still again. It had felt like worms were wriggling against the exposed skin of my arms and legs. I squatted down and pressed my fingers against the earth. Again, it was as if the grass caressed me, ever so slightly. I moved my hand sharply away.

Then I heard a sound coming from the tree. I pressed my palm against one of the exposed roots. I felt a faint vibration. I heard a whisper, Mama—

It came from deep in the ground between the tree roots.

I began to dig. I clawed and scooped. I thought my fingers would hurt. But I felt nothing. My skin did not bruise or break. I kept digging. I seemed stronger than when I had been alive. I dug out the grass and the soil. I kept digging until I had made a large hole at the base of the tree, revealing more roots uncurling underground. I heard a whimper, a sniffle. Was that my daughter? I had not wondered if I would meet my daughter here in this afterlife. Would I find her now, under this tree?

I dug and dug. If there were tears on my cheeks, I did not feel them. I was too excited at the prospect of being united with my little girl. If I found her, we would be united forever. More and more gnarled roots rubbed against my fingers. The hole was getting deeper and larger. I was sinking into the ground.

I stopped when I saw it. I moved away more earth with my fingers to see it more clearly: the naked human leg of a child, protruding awkwardly from a deeper nest of roots jammed into the earth. The leg kicked; the tiny sole of the foot rubbed my thigh. I grabbed the shin with both hands. How could the leg belong to my daughter? It was so smooth to touch. Its skin was unmarred. No blood and no blisters. I pulled violently at that leg.

It had to belong to my daughter. It would make sense that she should be here. It made sense that she would no longer suffer from her condition, now that she was dead. I pulled and pulled. Then it occurred to me that I was pulling too hard. The whole leg could come off! I was using too much strength! I hesitated. I stopped pulling.

In that instant of hesitation, the foot stopped twitching. I was still holding onto the leg when the whole slippery limb got yanked out from my hands. The pale length of the leg slid like a panicked snake into the nest of roots and vanished. I cried out, and struck the roots with my fists. I begged the tree to return my child.

Had it been the leg of my child? Why was I so certain?

I cannot remember how long I knelt there, crying and striking the tree, the sky blazing indifferently above me. I suddenly longed for sleep, even though I was trembling with rage and sorrow. I half-climbed out of the hole and scooped as much of the dirt that I had dug out back into the hole with me. I wanted to bury myself in the earth amid the roots of the tree. I wanted to be close to my daughter.

After some time, the earth covered my body, filling my nostrils and forcing my eyes shut. I slid my exposed hands back into the earth beside me. I curled there in the darkness. Somehow I was still able to breathe under all that soil. Somehow, in the darkness, I felt nothing pulling me into a deeper darkness. I was just a body nestled crudely underground—breathing, listening, waiting, cruelly awake. Traces of light even seeped through the earth to find me.

I surrendered. I pushed off the earth from my body. I climbed and stumbled easily out of the ground. I looked back down. The ground appeared to be untouched, as if I had not just dug into it at all. All the grass was still intact, as if I had not made any hole. I brushed off any remaining dirt from my body. I decided to move on. I walked away.

I moved towards the distant houses and entered the nearby town. I glimpsed an old, European-styled hotel, but I did not walk in. I saw houses of pale colours. I saw a little church. I saw cafés and restaurants with nobody sitting or dining inside. I stopped outside what looked like a school. From its darkened windows, it seemed abandoned. The brown, imposing building made me think about my daughter again. If my daughter had been given the chance to grow up in good health, she could have gone to a school like this.

I drifted in and found myself in a dimly lit assembly hall. There were a few people in the audience, but none of them noticed me as I crept in. There was a man in everyday clothes on the stage, playing a slow, languorous piece of classical music that I did not recognise. It had a pleasing melody. I sat down in the near-darkness and watched the performance. I felt like weeping again, but no tears came. Before the man finished playing, I found myself standing up and leaving the hall.

I left the school building and wandered the streets in silence for a long time, before arriving here at this garden.

Just so you know, I have