What Came Before

A Truth Serum Press E-book

What Came Before

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Gay Degani

Dedication

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You know who you are.

Copyright

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What Came Before copyright © Gay Degani 2014

Originally serialized by Every Day Novels from March 3 to June 6, 2014 and originally published in print by Every Day Novels 2014

Second edition published by Truth Serum Press, August 2016

All rights reserved by the author and publisher. Except for brief excerpts used for review or scholarly purposes, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without express written consent of the publisher or the author.

Any historical inaccuracies are made in error.

This book is a work of fiction and there is no intended resemblance to persons living, who have lived, or who will live.

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ISBN:  978-1-925536-06-5

Cover photograph copyright © Hillary Degani 2011

Cover design by Matt Potter

Also available as a paperback  /  ISBN:  978-1-925536-05-8

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Truth Serum Press

4 Warburton Street

Magill  SA  5072

Australia

Email:  truthserumpress@live.com.au

Website:  http://truthserumpress.net

Truth Serum Press catalogue:  http://truthserumpress.net/catalogue/

Contents

•◊•

Prelude

Chapter 1 – Stranger

Chapter 2 – Cops

Chapter 3 – Blame

Chapter 4 – Detective

Chapter 5 – Search

Chapter 6 – Husband

Chapter 7 – Woodbine

Chapter 8 – Daughters

Chapter 9 – Tiki Palms

Chapter 10 – Ben

Chapter 11 – Makenna

Chapter 12 – Olita

Chapter 13 – Her Father, Her Son

Chapter 14 – Elma

Chapter 15 – Birth Certificate

Chapter 16 – Cleaning

Chapter 17 – Christie

Chapter 18 – Old Big Ugly

Chapter 19 – In-N-Out

Chapter 20 – Virginia

Chapter 21 – Life Magazine

Chapter 22 – Phoenix

Chapter 23 – Shoved

Chapter 24 – Flip-Flops

Chapter 25 – Target

Chapter 26 – Bethune

Chapter 27 – Careful

Chapter 28 – Turner

Chapter 29 – Neighbors

Chapter 30 – Houston’s

Chapter 31 – Tonette

Chapter 32 – Wilma Allen

Chapter 33 – Tom Robinson

Chapter 34 – Standing Over

Chapter 35 – Arrest

Chapter 36 – Date Shake

Chapter 37 – Twinkies

Chapter 38 – Cascades

Chapter 39 – Stake Out

Chapter 40 –Yoga

Chapter 41 – Retreat

Chapter 42 – Watermelon Candy

Chapter 43 – Charged

Chapter 44 – Chuck

Chapter 45 – Arthur

Chapter 46 – Doubts

Chapter 47 – Aunt Neenie

Chapter 48 – Death Valley

Chapter 49 – Jack and Martha

Chapter 50 – Tension

Chapter 51 – Complications

Chapter 52 – Gone

Chapter 53 – Bribes

Chapter 54 – The Green Valley

Chapter 55 – The Grocer

Chapter 56 – Billy’s Porch

Chapter 57 – Vanilla Wafers

Chapter 58 – White Lies

Chapter 59 – Cajoled

Chapter 60 – Dr. Gaines

Chapter 61 – Probing Deeper

Chapter 62 – Rotten Eggs

Chapter 63 – Abbie

Chapter 64 – Evidence

Chapter 65 – Handcuffs

Chapter 66 – Pills

Chapter 67 – Water and Sun

Chapter 68 – Awake

Chapter 69 – Stories

Chapter 70 – Old Spice and Whiskey

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Author’s Note

Research & Acknowledgments

About the Author

Prelude

•◊•

What binds two people together? Lips? Fingertips? Ropes? Chains? Sometimes memory is the strongest tie.

The old man remembers her in patches of clarity, like catching a shimmer of an aquamarine sky behind tattered clouds. Her eyes were that color. He lifts his hand, ready to place it gently on her hair, stroke her milky skin with his thumb, but she’s not there. He sighs and turns over on the chaise lounge, grips the knife-edge of the weatherproof cushion.

He remembers sitting on the bank of the little creek, feet squishing in mud, hers now as black as his. She studied the brown hills that sheltered their valley and confessed she grew up in Iowa even though her official biography put her in Minnesota.

Why lie? he’d asked.

She picked at the weeds under her bare legs. Why not?

But no lying to me, right? He rolled toward her, hand pressing her back, nestling against her, his skin hot as the sun.

Not to you, she said, and kissed him. You have no idea what it’s like growing up in a small farm town, sleeping in the attic on an iron bed.

All by yourself, baby-girl, alone in that bed?

She put her arms round his neck, pulled him close, whispered, Did your father drink?

That’s something I don’t know about, honey, he pulled back and looked at her. He didn’t stick around long enough for me to find out.

Poor you. She ran her finger across his lips and into his mouth. Well, my father drank.

Poor you, he said.

The old man wakes, memory warming his body. He’d heard the story a thousand times before, but her voice thrilled him then, and that voice whispers to him now, It was my mother who betrayed me, you know? Can you believe anyone’s mother would do that?

He feels her sweet breath on his ear. He tries to answer, but she interrupts. She told my father I was going to run away and you know what he did? He beat me. Like that was going to convince me to stay. It took two weeks for the bruises to heal and then no one could stop me. There was this boy – his name was Kenny – a scrawny little guy, but sweet, who’d always had a crush on me.

It came from her – those ragged bits of truth – at odd moments, over coffee, in the car, when she suddenly turned away from him after making love. The old man drowses again. It’s his age and his medication that does this, renders him useless, keeps him in a state of suspension between the past and the present.

A desert wind caresses his skin and his eyes flick open. His backyard, his swimming pool, he has so much and yet, nothing at all. Her voice comes to him again on the breeze. I asked Kenny to take me to Chicago, and he said yes.

Of course he did, the old man says to the air. I would’ve taken you to the moon.

The first time he’d said those words, she’d smiled at him and he smiles now, remembering how her expression softened. That boy had been her savior. He’d driven like crazy to get them to Chicago, but when she’d spied a diner off the highway, she told that fool she had to use the restroom.

The old man hears her voice again. He asked if I didn’t wanna wait till we got to the hotel because I’d shown him my wad of money and promised him clean sheets and room service and a night he’d never forget. No way did he want to stop at some greasy diner, but I just said, ‘You don’t want me to pee on your dad’s upholstery, do you?’

The old man says out loud, You didn’t say that.

The voice on the air answers, "I did, but when Kenny turned into the parking lot, I leaned over and gave him a big open-mouthed kiss, and told him I was hungry. That was the first time I felt bad about what I was doing. He looked so unsure of himself. I don’t think he ever believed I would let him ravish me, but he wanted to keep me happy. I can still smell that diner.

"The place was busy, filled with men in plaid shirts and sunburned arms. I studied them over the top of my menu until I spied this short little guy with droopy brown eyes. I asked Kenny to order me some pancakes. My treat. He gave me this anxious look. ‘Ladies’ room,’ I reminded him. He blushed and I felt bad, but it couldn’t be helped.

Outside, the trucker was standing on the step of his cab, kind of swinging there, waiting for me. He was going west, so I went west. When he dropped me off at a Laundromat with a roll of quarters and two weeks of dirty t-shirts in Reno, I dumped his clothes in a trashcan, stuck his coins in my purse, and hopped on a Greyhound to L.A.

The old man startles awake. Someone is calling him. Is it her? Where did she go?

Chapter 1 – Stranger

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Sunday, May 19, 2002

Back in 1954, reporters and camera guys were at the bungalow before the cop cars cooled down. Like radio’s landmark coverage of the failed rescue of Kathy Fiscus from the bottom of a well, my mother’s suicide became a media first. Images from her Hollywood lifestyle and tragic death flickered across American television screens for hours. She was the beautiful starlet who’d scandalized decent folks by appearing on the cover of Life magazine in a bikini, then shocked them by taking her own life while her daughter slept in the next room. Speculation was rampant. Why had she done it? How would this affect her movie star husband? And most of all, who had rescued the child?

I don’t think much about my mother anymore, almost never dream about her, but when I do, she’s sitting in a scratchy red chair, its textured pattern swirling into roses. I’m on her bony lap, maybe three years old, my fingers tracing the maze along the chair’s upholstered arm. Her hands hang empty over the sides. Sometimes I feel a sigh riffle my hair.

It’s all in my dream: the sky darkening outside the bungalow, the prickle of the chair against my arm, the smell of Maxwell House coffee on my mother’s breath, the scene morphing into my front porch, a stranger in a black linen suit, a slammed door, the scrawled note, the gray floorboards beneath my feet turning to muck. I can’t run. Can’t breathe. Dry kernels blow through my lips.

I wake up sweating, legs tangled in sheets, eyes gritty, mouth dry, my brain jammed together like frozen broccoli. I rattle my head and the nightmare dissipates, leaving me alone in my bed at the Tiki Palms.

It was 94 degrees in our Hollywood bungalow when my mother opened the door to our O’Keefe and Merritt oven, turned on the gas, and stuck in her head. If she’d had a car, she could’ve driven down Sunset Boulevard through cooling hills and walked into the ocean. Maybe then she would’ve changed her mind. I was four.

Reporters still remember my mother’s suicide, so when the stranger in the black linen suit showed up yesterday afternoon, I thought she was from Access Hollywood or some docudrama like Sex Kitten Suicide, and told her to get the hell off my porch.

Even in this morning’s dim light, I can see the stranger’s phone number leaching through the gasoline receipt on my nightstand, the one she left wedged between the knob and doorframe. I roll over. Give the scrap of paper my back.

If I’d only used the coin-operated washing machine here at the apartment instead of using the Maytag at my house, the woman wouldn’t have found me.

Stop. Focus on today. Grocery store, essays, this afternoon’s ceramics class, the feel of clay between my fingers. A shower. Get back to normal. My new normal now that I’m on leave from my husband to – do what? Find myself? Oh, God.

I glance at the clock – 8:15 – and flop on my back, let yesterday unreel itself against my eyelids: Phoenix was barking in the side yard. Me in sloppy sweats, grabbing wet clothes from the washer, suddenly interested in escape, not dry socks, I slammed out the front door of my house where I should be living, but don’t. And then the slip of paper floated from the doorjamb onto the porch, settling, thin and persistent, at my feet.

I duck under the blanket. Shiver. Throw it off and sit up, put my feet on the floor, drop my head in my hands. Let myself remember what happened next: Stumbling upstairs to my closet, I pulled the step-stool up against my abandoned clothes. From high on a shelf, I grabbed a plastic container full of memorabilia, but it was heavier than I thought, jerking itself out of my hands, hitting the floor on its corner, breaking apart.

I tossed the junk back into the box: a broken-leather poetry book, drawings, report cards, and from my mother, a handkerchief, her crystal bracelet. Then I spied the photograph tumbled against my tennis shoes.

I reached for the stained rectangle of board, a washed-out ‘Lorenzo of Hollywood’ stamped on the back, and on the front, me and my mother together in that chair, just as we are in my dream.

Enough. I wrench myself out of bed, teeth aching from last night’s pancakes, heavy on the maple syrup. I’ll purge today, drink plenty of liquids. No coffee, just tea. Green tea. Broth. And lots of water. I won’t go out. I’ll write a story. Go to a museum.

The bathroom mirror reveals two crescent-shaped cuts along my hairline. I thought I was done digging into my skin at night. I grip my toothbrush, but can’t resist my reflection. A brown-eyed, plainer version of my mother stares back. I have her nose, her long smooth jaw, her strawberry blond hair. But I don’t have her aqua eyes, and I don’t have her freckles.

In the living room, I snatch the lid from the plastic box I brought with me from home yesterday afternoon and pull out the photograph. My profile tilts toward my mother’s face, but she’s looking beyond me into the distance, an expectant angle to her head as if she’s waiting for someone. Someone other than me.

I have to call her, that woman in the black linen suit.

In the bedroom, I smooth out the gas receipt where she’d written her name and number, then pick up the phone and dial. After the first ring, I almost hang up, but the five devastating words the stranger scrawled beneath those seven digits stop me: Your mother is my mother.

What can I say to her? Your freckles don’t mean a damn thing? Because, after all, that stranger who left this note on the porch, curled between the door and the jamb, this Olita Jordan who claims to be my sister, is African-American, and I’m not.

Chapter 2 – Cops

•◊•

My mother is your mother. This is my mantra as I wait. The unanswered ringing of the stranger’s phone finally penetrates my swampy brain. I tap the off button. Redial. Same area code as mine. So my hypothetical African-American half-sister lives nearby. How weird is that?

Forget it. She’s a wily paparazzi chick angling for a story, and after years of talking to shrinks about my mother’s suicide, the last thing I want to do is dredge it up.

Yet a thread of adrenaline runs through me. When I was young, all I wanted to do was track down everything I could about my mother, but eventually I buried that desire inside a tiny fold in my brain. Now this stranger shows up, dragging with her the possible answer to my one real question: Why wasn’t I good enough to keep my mother alive?

Really? That’s what I think?

I click off the phone, toss it on my messy bed, and hurry into the living room where I scrutinize the picture of my mother and me. Who is she looking for? And why isn’t she turning toward me, her only daughter?

I type Olita Jordan’s telephone number into Google and drum my fingers on the table until her name pops up and yes, her address too. 995 Marion Drive. I hit the map link, feeling a little stunned that it’s so easy.

But this kind of surprise has happened before. When I was eleven, I found a Silver Screen magazine at a garage sale in a bin with vinyl records warping under hot sun. I thumbed through it without much hope, but there she was, my mother, Virginia Gifford, her face tucked coyly into her shoulder, light shining off her hair. Such long lashes. The article said she’d been signed by producer Jerome Tallman to shoot a motion picture, but she had to beg off at the last minute, claiming illness. I paid the lady at the garage sale a nickel and took the magazine home.

Then another memory smacks me down. My father was sleeping on the orange sectional in our Hollywood Hills house, a half-empty bottle of bourbon on the floor. I quietly closed the front door. Tiptoed toward the hallway. I was thirteen, wearing the blue-and-black plaid of Catholic school, my skirt above my knee, rolled at the waist. He must have heard me because he turned over, his eyes like hard glass, and growled, Those sticks you call legs, don’t you dare try to be like her. Then he grabbed the back of the sofa and twisted away.

I crept down the dark hall to my room. At the door, I froze. My only refuge had been torn apart. Drawers bulged from their sockets. Clothes were heaped over scattered shoes, underwear, books. The mattress tilted sideways across the bedframe, its sheets like white flags. The magazines, the photos, the scrapbook I’d pasted together by flashlight – almost everything I’d squirreled away about my mother – had been ripped apart and strewn across the floor.

I’m shivering now, my Tiki Palms apartment suddenly cold. I’d forgotten this incident. I’ve forgotten so much. Maybe this is why, at fifty-three, I’ve walked out on my husband, leaving him shocked, my daughter furious, my son unaware in Brazil, and my friends bewildered.

And where does that leave me? Thrashing around in the muck, needing an Ativan. I take one.

•◊•

This is crazy. I’m cruising Sierra Madre Boulevard still wearing my faded sweatpants and a Cal pullover – a drip of syrup smack in the middle of the ‘a’. And there it is, Marion Drive, Olita Jordan’s street. I slip between two cars to make the turn, an idiot thing to do, ignoring the horn blast from the guy I cut off.

Something is happening inside this neighborhood. Police cars, fire engines, and television vans cram the asphalt while uniformed officers stand behind yellow crime tape. Knots of people watch and wait. Above the jacarandas, smoke smudges the sky.

This is more than I bargained for. I shift into reverse, but there’s a car behind me, and the cop who’s manning the roadblock signals me to wait.

He comes toward me, clipboard in hand, and I roll down my window to the acrid smell of burnt stucco and wood, the commotion of firemen, police, and gawking neighbors.

You live here, ma’am? the officer asks.

No. I – How do I explain my unhinged impulse to track down this woman? I came to see – a friend.

Your friend lives on this street?

Nerves short-circuit my brain. I can’t think of anything to say, so I surrender my downloaded computer map and the gasoline receipt with its cryptic message, the one the stranger left on my porch yesterday.

He studies both, then glances up, surprise on his face. It’s signed Olita Jordan.

Yes. That’s – she’s my friend.

"What does this note mean, Your mother is my mother?" He holds it up, as if I haven’t read it a hundred times already.

I don’t know. The little half-moons of dirt under my fingernails beg for attention.

You don’t know? Your name, please.

My name? If I can remember it. Abbie. Abbie Palmer.

You have identification, Ms. Palmer?

I rummage for my wallet, hand him my driver’s license. The officer affixes it to his clipboard. Points to the curb. Please pull over and wait.

This is a mistake – I say, but he’s striding away, pausing only to do – what? Jot down my license plate number? Shit. Shit. Shit.

I draw up to a tan Crown Victoria wearing its red strobe like a monkey’s cocked hat. Ashes swirl through my open window. I sneeze and look around.

Hovering husbands and wives – some in pjs, others dressed for church – whisper in sets of twos and threes while small children race and tumble on the grass. The homes on this street are California ranch, small and tidy, their flower beds blooming with impatiens.

Except for one.

Chapter 3 – Blame

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The house cowers in the curve of the road, set back a little, charred, smoky, but with no visible flames, firefighters having won the siege. I glance at the address on the porch to my right, its numbers nailed vertically down a white post. I calculate. Same side of the street. Four houses up. These fragments of information shift into focus, like a clean white cloud turns into an alligator: the wreck of a house is