Fool's Year

Fool's year

Annotation

Sonya turns 30. A rented apartment, eternal dissatisfaction with weight, work as an assistant, hopeless love for the boss and complete loneliness - there is nothing to rejoice at. Desperate, she makes a promise to herself to improve her life within a year. Let’s started! In her dreams, she sees a prince on a white horse, taking her to a beautiful castle on the top of a hill ... But every date turns into disaster ... in the fight against excess weight, weight stubbornly wins ... and the new boss just takes out the brain! Meanwhile, Sonya has a new neighbor - 22 years old, blond, sloven ... Contains obscene language.

This book is written based on real events. All coincidences with real-life people and bosses should be considered not accidental.

English is not my native language, therefore there could be some mistakes. Nevertheless, I made efforts. Hope you will enjoy it!

Chapter 1: April Fool's Day

I was in a huge gloomy room, the walls of which were covered with metal plates reddened by rust. Not really - it comfortably. What am I doing here anyway? Someone was walking towards me from the darkness ... a man wearing a brown military uniform and black boots. The oblique bangs that stuck to my forehead and the mustache with a brush left no doubt, and still I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is indeed…

In his hand dangled an iron-studded, very heavy-looking diplomat. While I was pondering whether a greeting would be appropriate (on the one hand, keeping silent is impolite, on the other - a bad person), Hitler opened the diplomat, and tin and plastic alarm clocks of various shapes and colors fell on the concrete floor, tinkling plaintively.

- And ... why do you need so many alarm clocks? - I asked, shy in front of such an ominous person.  

 I catch them and kill them,  Hitler replied in a faint German accent.  

Suddenly a large, heavy hammer appeared in his hands. Swinging, he unleashed several blows on the pile of alarm clocks, and shards of colored plastic splashed in all directions.

- Why are you doing this to them? - I was horrified, looking at the remains of the defeated alarm clocks.  

- They scream very disgustingly. 

Vaguely sensing that Hitler was wrong, I began to argue:

- But is it possible to kill someone - it is only because he has a bad voice? 

 Listen to yourself,  Hitler suggested and, raising a large tin alarm clock, started it.  

The alarm clock began to ring, and its high-pitched scream echoed off the metal walls. I felt pain in my ears and covered them with my palms. But I continued to hear these trills inside, right in my head. Like needles, they pierced my brain.

- Kill this thing! I screamed hysterically. - KILL!   

And I woke up. I was breathing heavily. The alarm clock (real, mine), judging by its hoarse squeak, had been breaking for half an hour. I turned it off and lay on a log for about five minutes, calming down and coming to my senses. Then I remembered what day it was, and the peace blew away like a wind. 2011, another April 1st. That very day. All right, wait for trouble. I got out of bed and put on a pink robe. She looked worriedly at the cloudy morning outside the window and pushed the curtains back. How depressing everything is, brr.

I brushed my teeth, boiled a couple of eggs, poured coffee into a cheerful polka-dot mug, but I still felt a nasty chill inside. When was my last birthday without sorrow, regret, and frustration? On the day I turned six, my hamster died. At the age of nine, I scalded my hand with boiling water. On my eleventh birthday, I gave myself a love story, but my mother said it was pornography and threw it out. It seems that I was unlucky from the very beginning ...

Mom gave birth to me on April 1st, April Fool's Day. Trying to compensate for this circumstance, she canceled Alexandra and called me Sophia - wisdom. All my further life testified that the number did not pass. But at home my name was Sonya, and this, unfortunately, worked. Now, standing in the tiny kitchen of a rented apartment, I could not shake the feeling that I had slept all that was possible. While my friends and acquaintances were getting married, giving birth to children and moving up the career ladder, I was lying under a thickening layer of dust, and apart from little things like a blooming violet or buying a new lipstick, nothing good happened to me. 

This birthday is the worst of all the previous ones. I have never been so many years old.

I tried to console myself. After all, when I turned twenty-nine, it was not much worse than twenty-eight. Why do I feel completely trampled at thirty? Because Millicent was twenty-nine and Rosalyn and Melody, I told myself. I tried to remember a novel where the heroine would have already turned thirty, and I could not. There were no such items in my modest collection of five hundred. 

7.20. It's time to get dressed already. I opened the cupboard, and then it flashed like a ray of light in the darkness, make me forget that Jenny from the Kingdom of Dreams was all - seventeen. I ran my hand over the dress - a white, glossy fabric. Considering the color, it should have been fat, but miraculously emphasized the necessary curves and concealed excess bulges so that I ceased to recognize my body. True, in the store, I could not even zip it. But I bought the dress, spending half of my salary. There are clothes for growing, and there are for losing weight. As a motivation. Although I needed more stimulus - precisely in the original ancient Roman meaning of the word: stick for driving cattle, which would drive me away from chocolates and rolls.

For a year now, the dress hung in the closet, waiting in the wings. Judging by the state of my figure, the hour has not yet come, so I decided to hurry it up. Taking off my robe, I bravely climbed into the narrow white pipe and wrung my hands behind my back, pulling on the zipper to fasten it. Pick up your chest! Pull your belly in! Reduce the backside by the power of thought! Come on, as someone said - in the least responsible of the situation. And I got in! Out of breath and proud of myself, I looked at my reflection with pleasure, cherishing the thought that maybe I had lost even a whole kilogram in a year, and as for the weights, they simply overestimate because of harm. After all, the zipper was fastened. It was scary to breathe in the dress, but it pulled me together so wonderful that I really looked pretty slim. So I'll go! Let everyone swoon! The neckline seemed a little provocative for the office, but I was already unstoppable. Where are the heels? In such a dress, and without stilettos ?! Yes, I walk on them as if on stilts, but how can I learn if I don't try?

Twenty minutes later, dyed like a Chinese clone of a Barbie doll, hair sticky with nail polish, cheered up by successfully navigating a life-threatening staircase, I walked to a stop and felt like a superstar. After all, Jennifer Lopez isn't skinny either. A bus passing by raised a fountain of spray, and when I managed to dodge, I almost believed I could break the system. The morning was dank and sometimes, losing self-confident appearance, I - bird sucked his shoulders.

In the minibus, I stuck into Catherine Coulter and lost touch with reality, barely having time to recover, when the minibus stopped near a huge, castle-like office building. Strangely, after so many years of working here, this gloomy structure still thrilled me.

I got out of the elevator and walked along the beige carpet of the corridor to the white and gold door marked with the sign Synergy. The Synergy company, which occupies most of the fourth floor, provided medical and pharmaceutical companies with such services as: recruiting, CRM system support, and so on - other things, for the most part still incomprehensible to me.

I opened the door with a card, stepped into the crowded lobby, and it flew at me from all sides: Happy April Fool's Day! Unfortunately, no one noticed my gorgeous appearance, and the plump, pink-shirted manager of the outstaffing department, Alexander, almost bumped into me, as if I was no more visible than a pale ghost in the daylight. I quickened my pace, making my way to my department, past indistinguishable glass cages. The office not only resembled a honeycomb in its honeycomb structure, but the hum was filled with a corresponding one.

- Good morning - I said to Diana, and by way of greeting, she took out a box of bright - red package that gave me.  

- Happy birthday. 

- What is it? - I took the book out of the bag. Stretch Yourself Out, or How to Become a Self Confident, read the cover. - It's funny.   

 I’m afraid before it becomes possible to lift you by the ears, I’ll have to fumble with the boat hook. 

I wondered if I should be offended, but decided not to, because Diana was like water off a duck's back. It’s impossible to shake someone’s self-confidence.

- Okay, I have a report, and in general things are up to the throat, so you excuse me, - Diana turned to the monitor and pounded on the keys.  

Yeah, take offense at her. She won't even notice.

We came to the company on the same day, for the same position. Over the past time, Diana managed to climb high and aimed at the heads of the department, while I continued to stomp in one place, like a goat tied to a peg.

Sometimes I doubted that I had reason to consider Diana a friend. But, in the absence of other applicants for this role, she preferred to think so in order not to give herself an extra reason for depression. Even now, looking at Diana drumming on keys with the speed and precision of an android, I felt a bit of awe.

Unlike me, Diana was a person in control of her life. She had a seven-year-old daughter and a man who built a large house for them in the suburbs. Equanimity and Buryat blood made her look like a Japanese woman: smooth dark hair, which she cut as soon as it grew to her shoulders, mysterious slanting eyes. It was hard to believe that this woman was born in this country and this city. By the way, she knew a little Japanese. Her small apartment was decorated with African figurines carved from dark wood, a book in Greek could be seen on an elegant table from Italy, the floor was covered with bamboo mats, and instead of a dressing gown she wore a real Japanese kimono. Even her shampoo, in a tube speckled with Chinese characters, exuded a mysterious foreign scent, in which bark and jasmine were guessed.

Sighing, I opened the website and looked at several resumes, noting who in the photographs of the candidates is attractive and who is not very attractive. I checked my work mail - nothing interesting. I checked the personal one - nothing at all, even spammers don't write. I read about cellulite from celebrities (it's good that they have cellulite). I selected one suitable resume and two so-so. I made several calls. She got up and walked to the kitchen, glancing deliberately indifferently across the information board. The birthday sheet hung the same, with dates from a week ago. My name was not on it. What should I do? Go and remind yourself? No, it's like - it is stupid and it looks as if I am in despair. They cannot completely forget about me.

When I returned to my seat, I noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor and bent down to toss it into the wastepaper basket. There was a strange crackling sound, and then a stream of cool air from the air conditioner swept over my back.

Fortunately, Diana was quick to think. She grabbed me and dragged me to the toilet, where she pushed me into a narrow booth and hissed:

- How many times to repeat, putting on clothes of a smaller size, you yourself do not become smaller! 

In horror, streams of cold sweat poured from me, and the fabric under my arms quickly got wet.

- It broke ?! Has it gone bad? 

- No, the lightning just parted. 

- Well, then fix it! 

- She is stuck and does not move. How did you even manage to squeeze into a size 42 dress? 

- Pull harder! I can't walk around the office with a bare back! 

 You can see your ass a little here,  said good Diana. - Everyone, twitched. The lightning broke. But you do not worry, voshesh new zipper, and then gave it a rags - some pyatiklassnitse - look, fit in size.   

I whimpered.

- Now - what should I do? 

 Just a second.  Diana disappeared, leaving me alone, closet and terrified, and returned with a needle and thread. - Turn your back on me.   

- Ay - ay! I squealed as she poked me with a needle. - Painfully!   

- Well, I'm sorry, this is the first time I'm doing this, - Diana muttered.  

Her clothes are patched up by her Japanese servants, not otherwise.

- In general? 

- I mean, with another woman. Yes, and in the toilet. 

- Don't poke so rudely! 

- If you want tenderness, this is not for me. 

Who - one coughed behind a thin partition.

Falling out, we saw our elderly accountant, dressed in a green, sofa-painted suit. Through the thick lenses of her spectacles, she looked at us with obvious condemnation. Diana did not even turn her ear, leaving as dignified as a cruiser. What - the muttering, I ran away.

It would seem that I would cry out my shame for a long time, but a note was waiting for me on the table, informing me that Yaroslav Borisovich was expecting me, and I was thrown into euphoria, then into panic, then again into euphoria.

 Easy,  Diana glanced at me. - You got smoke from your ears.   

If Diana could understand! I was doomed to an unrequited passion for Yaroslav Borisovich from the day I was interviewed for the position, when, finally invited to the office after an hour of waiting at the door, I was dumbfounded for the first time under the gaze of cold eyes as gray as an autumn sea ... An ordinary name and patronymic were not worthy of his appearance. He was an incredibly handsome man. Like the sun, it eclipsed all other stars. Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and Leonardo DiCaprio next to him would look like cheap Chinese knockoffs. Solntseliky looked at me indifferently, asked several questions, almost not listening to the answers, and summed up: I have no objections to your candidacy. By that time, I had already agreed to everything related to his candidacy. In my mind, I immediately began to call him Roland and could not even imagine that this man's mother was addressing him, for example, Yarik.

And today, on my birthday, he suddenly calls me to him ... With a thumping heart, I took a mirror out of my bag and looked at myself. She straightened her brown hair, habitually lamenting that she was not born a spectacular blonde (although how many were born that way?). Powdered her nose. Eh, I ate all the lipstick, urgently update! Stumbling in the bag on the unopened tube of bright - red, which has acquired a long - long time ago, when the Glamor said it was all the rage, I raskhorohorivshis, smeared her lips.

My hands trembled slightly when I knocked on the door, but I had no doubt that as beautiful as ever, at least I look better than usual (I hope Diana told the truth that the seam is almost invisible).

 Come in,  I heard Roland's voice.  

As I entered, I stumbled over the threshold and tried to compensate for the awkwardness with a smile.

 Sit down,  Roland suggested.  

 Hello,  I sat on the edge of my chair, trying to blush less, and glanced furtively at Roland. His lips were compressed in concentration, his gaze could freeze a glass of water in twenty seconds, and it seemed to me that I was a shepherdess - a simpleton who came to see the lord, or something like that.  

 You… he glanced at his papers, giving me the opportunity to admire his flawless straight nose. 

 Sophia,  I prompted helpfully.  

- Sofia. And you work in our company already ... already? 

- Five years. 

- Exactly, five years, - he found the necessary sheet. - You came to Synergy as an assistant in the recruitment department and currently hold the same position.   

 Yes,  I said sadly. Still , it is humiliating to spend five years as an assistant.  

Roland chuckled vaguely. The light filtering through the blinds added a silvery sheen to his hair. This gorgeous man could be the captain at the helm of a treasure hunt. He could be a handsome robber who rescues a lady and then turns out to be a lost duke. Or he could be the duke, who then turns out to be a robber, who then turns out to be the crown prince. Even Joanna Lindsay, who clearly prefers pumped hairs, would approve of him.

- We, that is, the management of the company, are planning to reorganize the recruiting department in order to improve the quality of its work. The first changes are waiting for you on Monday, you can warn your colleagues. 

Frozen, I waited for his next words. The gaze of piercing eyes, gray as steel, for a moment collided with my eyes, then sank lower and froze on my lips ... I felt a heat seize me ...

 Lipstick,  Roland said.  

- Lipstick? - I blinked my eyes in surprise.  

- It's too bright. This is not permissible. 

- Excuse me ... sorry, - I fussyly ran my palm over my lips, wanting to fall through the ground.  

Roland continued to meditate on his papers.

- After analyzing the productivity of everyone in the department, I came to the conclusion that your personal results do not exceed the level of satisfactory. But I will demand more from the reorganized department. This means that if you do not at least double your efficiency, you will have to leave the company. 

As I realized his words, tears came out of my eyes. The body suddenly became like cotton, and, swaying, I grabbed the edge of the table.

- Am I doing poorly? Do you want to fire me? 

- Currently, the company is interested in employees aimed at obtaining maximum results and constant professional growth. As for your future at Synergy, everything depends only on you. Do you have any questions for me? 

Yes there is. How can you be so cruel to me?

 No,  I breathed.  

- Then I let you go. 

I straightened like a tightly compressed spring, and suddenly I heard: Tink! Zzzin!  As if the strings of my heart were torn. It would have been better if it had been heart problems, I hoped, but the dress had already crawled off my shoulders. For the first time in our relationship, Roland stared at me with genuine interest. I had two options - to turn around, showing a freckled back and cotton panties with dolphins, or, like a stupid crustacean, back away to the door. I chose the latter.

- Thanks for the information, I will try. Goodbye! 

Roland's mouth fell open as the hero of a horror movie, which saw the back of his friend a suspicious man with a bloody knife, and then I stumbled upon it - something soft. Neither alive nor dead, I put my hands behind my back and felt something that looked like a big plush smesharika that was sitting on my dresser. Belly, - a terrible guess seared me, and I looked around in horror. The CEO rarely made us happy with his presence. But today was a day of surprises. 

I flew out of the office with such a speed as if I had been fired from a cannon, and, sobbing, burst into my department.

- Well, you have a view, - said Diana, turning around. - Like a victim of sexual harassment. Or vampire girlfriends.   

- What ?! - I grabbed the mirror. In my mouth was smeared bright - red lipstick! In Roland's office, I was so worked up that I didn't even know what I was doing!  

Diana looked at her watch.

- So, it's time for lunch. Let's go - let's sit in a corner and talk. 

Diana sewed my dress up again (this time tightly) and calmed me down a bit. But the main insult that stuck into me, like a rose thorn in the heart of a nightingale, I did not share. He wants to fire me. I love him, and he wants to fire me! How am I going to live without him?

Roland, apparently, managed to explain himself with the CEO, because they did not ask me about the excess. The kitchen, too, until it was quiet, despite the pathetic tradition to congratulate the birthday (with the obligatory presentation of some - some porcelain trinkets in the gift of the Synergy). Nevertheless, I had no doubt that the solemn hour was approaching, and ordered a pizza for everyone, after which I went down to the watchman and left her money in case I would conduct an interview and could not leave for the courier.

Sitting down by the computer again, I looked helplessly at the monitor. The fish on the screensaver were so outrageously serene - it's impossible not to envy. Reminding myself to double my efficiency, I flipped to the Superjob page and pushed my phone closer. Still, Roland did not criticize me personally, but my professional qualities, indeed, are not outstanding. In recent years, and I did manage to barely bring himself to anything - to do something. Roland, of course, is the boss, but the CEO and possibly someone else is standing over him , so in some way he is also a dependent person and forced to fulfill his duties - that is, to supervise the slaves of lower rank. I have to come to the right conclusions, pull myself together, make Roland happy with me.

After a brain-clearing internal conversation, I still managed to get involved in the work. When I finally got up and walked into the kitchen for a cup of tea, at the same time stretching my numb legs, I happily noticed the first preparations for the celebration - the girls from the outstaffing department were cutting oranges in circles. After fiddling with the computer a little more, I rushed to the kitchen, flowing into the trickle of my colleagues. Around the big table, I saw our entire department, and the outsourcing - outstaffing departments, and a few guys from IT. All these people gathered to congratulate me! My heart grew warmer ...

Squeezing to the table, I felt my lips stretch wild, from ear to ear, smile.

- Guys! Many thanks! 

The bewilderment in the glances turned at me interrupted my speech, which did not have time to unfold. Something is not right, I thought, and then I noticed Lesha, the chief of IT specialists, proudly standing at the head of the table, expressing his readiness to accept congratulations with all his appearance. 

- Leshka bought a new car, - as always, Anya Lisikova told me with a slight malice in her voice (she was from my department, but I never managed to establish contact with her). - Do you want a cake?   

- Thank you guys very much for arranging all this for Alexey! - clearing my throat, I gave out and shamefully fled to my room.  

Diana somewhere - then walked away, thank God. After so many troubles in a short period of time, sharing another is already awkward. All about me - did you forget! And I have worked here for so many years! I dutifully cut oranges at the birthday of each of them! Despondency flooded me, so hopeless, as if I lived at the bottom of the deepest swamp, all wrapped in ooze. Today was even worse than my fifteenth birthday, when I was twisted by an attack of acute appendicitis. Or my twenties, when a dog bit me near a cafe and tore my elegant dress (and after that I was still given rabies injections). And even worse than my twenty-fifth birthday, when my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he loves me, of course, but there are a couple of girls whom he loves more.

In desperation, I knocked my head a little on the table, taking advantage of the fact that everyone was in the kitchen, and there was no one to watch my nervous breakdown. Having finished this business, I saw that a message about a new letter had fallen out on the monitor. I clicked on it with the mouse. The sender was unknown to me: leprekon@synergy.com. The text of the letter announced: Today is a special day for you! And a special gift awaits you! So rush after him in pursuit! The first clue is splashing in the fish tank!  All this suspiciously resembled phrases from the Euroshop catalogs, nevertheless I was intrigued. The sender of the letter was clearly hinting at my birthday. Does anyone - all - still remembered me and decided to make a surprise for me? And it doesn't hurt to take a walk.

I went downstairs to the hallway, where a hefty aquarium was adorned in a cozy waiting area with leather sofas. Indeed, on the surface of the water floated bright - pink capsule of chocolate eggs. Looking around furtively, I took it out. The note found inside read: Second Floor, Flowerpot at the End of the Corridor. And then in my head like that - it pereklinilo.

I ran through all the corridors of the second floor before I found the flower pot I needed and read where to go next. Each note sent me to the next, and I ran from the second floor of a huge office building to the fourth, from the fourth to the first, from the first to the third. Even ran into the territory of - the warehouse cluttered tires.

Later, I could not find a worthy excuse for my stupid actions. The fact that I desperately needed a candy to sweeten my birthday nightmare was not enough to explain my feverish passion. I longed for this gift! I almost convinced myself that he would be good enough to lift my spirits to at least medium - lousy!

At the lowest point of my fall, I put my hand into the toilet cistern and there, among the nasty cold water, I found the last capsule. Training hall. Hmm. Hopefully no one will notice me. The management did not encourage idle wandering around the company territory.

I was lucky, the hall was deserted. Tables and chairs are arranged neatly along the walls. Where is my gift? I was almost certain that I had fallen victim to a cynical deception when I noticed a shiny box under one of the tables. Here are my hands are stretched out to her ... and then whose - the steps! I briskly slipped under the table and, clutching the box to me, hid in a corner. What is most terrible, the person who entered went directly to this very table, pulled back a chair and sat down! The situation was further complicated when I recognized the razor-sharp arrows of Roland's trousers! My heart didn’t know what to do - should it beat in a fit, like a medieval madman, celebrating the proximity of the object of passion, or freeze in horror, considering what would happen if the object noticed me? Poor Roland! Today I already once put him in a stupid position. The second time I will not experience shame. Or Roland won't survive.

Shrinking into a ball, I tried not to breathe and, if possible, dissolve and disappear. The door flew open again, and I remembered all these sayings that three are already a crowd, and that the third is superfluous. Especially if this third demonstrates excessive observation.

- Slava, under your table ... a woman ?! This is too much! Quickly to my office! 

The rest took no more than a second: Roland recoiled from surprise and fell back along with the chair, loudly banging the back of his head against the wall; the CEO retired, leaving us to deal with our embarrassment; I jumped out of the - under the table and, frantically clutching the box, attempted to escape, but was overtaken by Roland. Grabbing my hand, he jerked me around. All this is very reminiscent of the scene of the quarrel of protagonists - a novel, perhaps even Gone With the Wind, but I was clearly not up to enjoy the romance. 

 Why the hell are you putting me in a stupid position again? 

" I… I… 

- Why did you even crawl under the table? 

By the way ... although it seemed like a good idea back then.

- Are you kidding me? 

- No, - I was horrified. "I’m you… I came to pick up my box!   

- To Elizarov, now! 

 Anastasia wants to explain everything,  announced Roland, bursting into the CEO’s office.  

First of all, I wanted to explain that I was not Anastasia, but this was clearly not what was expected of me. There was nowhere to go, I had to spread everything as it is, blushing with shame. Roland gritted his teeth as the CEO asked questions revealing aggravating details. During the interrogation, I felt like a schoolgirl caught masturbating. As a result, they took an explanatory note from me with a written statement of the shameful story and a promise that I would not sue for sexual harassment, and then they kicked me out. Thank you, Anastasia, Roland said goodbye in an icy voice, although I had just written my name on paper in his presence, and this finally finished me off. 

Standing in an empty corridor and swaying slightly after all the worries, I suddenly realized that I was still clutching the box to me. At least I had my gift ... Moving away from the CEO and the angry Roland, I sat down on the windowsill and removed the cardboard lid. Inside was a slightly wilted but still charming yellow - purple bouquet. These were flowers unknown to me with large curved petals, exuding a strong sweet smell, and I drowned my face in them, feeling satisfaction for the first time in this entire nightmare day ...

Holding the bouquet to me, the shaky gait of the parodist Marilyn Monroe, who was in a long binge, I returned to the recruiting department.

- What else have you done with Yaroslav? You left in one direction, and then he came back all agitated and almost knocked down the door of his office. 

- I don’t want to talk about it again. 

Diana turned to look at my bleak voice.

- What are these spots on your face? The neck is dirty too ... And where does the bouquet come from? 

- I found ... this is my gift ... 

- What other gift? 

After listening to my confused explanations, Diana slapped her forehead with her hand.

- What, you fell for it? The newsletter was for the whole office, no one raised their asses! And you, the only fool, bought it ?! 

- Diana, I'm going to cry. 

- Come on, - Diana snatched the bouquet from me irritably and threw it into the wastepaper basket.  

At the IT department, she stopped and spoke loudly, clearly:

- Boys, those of you who came up with this venture with a coloring bouquet are freaks. 

I felt completely killed, and I had nothing to add to her words. I didn’t make a sound, even when we found a dam in the toilet - water was gushing out of the same cistern, into the cunning device of which I so unceremoniously climbed. I remained calm, like death, even when it turned out that the stains did not wash off. Occupying a large part of my face, they formed something like a map of Australia.

- It's her own fault, - Diana threw up her hands. - Although I you all - still sorry. Why do you constantly - what happens?   

When, leaving Diana to spend the winter under reports, I left work, the watchman Zina (not a pensioner at all, but a sultry girl of southern appearance) handed me eight boxes of pizza that had cooled down.

- Ten times called you, and you're still where - it ran. 

Yeah, rushing about like a wounded saiga across the steppe. I’ll gobble it up myself, I won’t give it to anyone,  I thought irritably, taking the heavy boxes. Even if I die of fat poisoning, so be it. And that's better than life like that. 

Staggering on high heels and exhausted from the pile of boxes pulling back my hand, I sent angry, haunted glances to every passerby who became interested in the scattering of spots on my face. It was the same feeling when the whole world is against you.

At the bus stop, I stood for thirty minutes, straight and proud, like Jeanne de Arcs before the burning, until I finally managed to squeeze into one of the minibuses. Plopping down on the seat, I heard the cheerful voice of the radio host: Today is the first of April, or April Fools' Day! Yes, this is my day, I thought sadly. On this day, people are playing their friends and acquaintances ... - continued the presenter. The sleepy man across from him looked up from his newspaper and stared at me, glasses raised. The girl with the shaggy hair was staring unabashedly. Yes, I am an entertaining sight, you can drive around the city like a bear!  

As soon as I jumped out of the minibus, the sky decided that right now a good downpour would be the very thing. The asphalt got wet, and in my shoes I slid on it like on a skating rink. A passenger car dashed past me in a fountain of spray, I staggered back, lost my balance and fell. The boxes flew onto the road, the contents of one of them spilled out directly onto me. I recognized the Four Seasons pizza and phlegmatically noted: My favorite. There was just a big puddle under my backside, which made me feel like a wet baby. If only that gray car would come back and run over me, I hoped. Unfortunately, she didn't, so I had to get up, take off my shoes and stomp home, leaving the boxes on the road. 

While still climbing the stairs of my five-story building without an elevator, I heard the phone ringing in my apartment. It rang, and rang, and rang, and it was still jingling when I walked in, dropped my keys by the mirror, shook my bag off my shoulder. Sighing, I picked up the phone.

- Yes, mom. 

 Happy birthday to you,  she said with a hesitant intonation, as if she doubted whether it was worth congratulating on such an event as her thirtieth birthday. - How are things at work?   

- Wonderful. So they congratulated, I just don't know why so much fuss for my sake, - I put my hand behind my back, going to unfasten the zipper, and remembered that the dress was tightly sewn.  

 Well, don’t worry,  my mother continued after a pause. - You can always move in with me and your grandmother. At least you won't be all alone.   

- Mom, many women got married after thirty, even after forty ... Demi just married Ashton ... 

- And how did it end for her? Changed how - the soplyachkoy. And then, daughter, Demi Moore is at least beautiful. 

It was the last straw that breaks the back of the elephant. Sighing, I said:

- Okay, Mom, my friends are waiting for me. 

And hung up. Left in silence, I felt you fat, nondescript and old, stuck in your loneliness and problems just like in this dress. I'm thirty years old, I have no husband (which is already there, I even offer never done), no friends, I live in a small rented apartment and it seems that that's - that's lose my job ... turning on the computer, I checked the mail and in contact . Nothing from anyone. I suddenly started crying and sobbed for twenty minutes, unable to stop. And then, the tears were not over yet, ZHOR found me.

Raking everything out of the refrigerator and ruthlessly destroying it, I felt hunger, as strong as pain. After a couple of eggs, half a stale loaf, half a jar of jam and a packet of instant noodles, tormented by stomach pangs and conscience, I decided to drink. The bottle was found in the closet, but where the corkscrew - it touches. Tired of looking for it, I ended up just hitting the neck of the bottle against the edge of the sink. It was a bit radical, and shards got into the wine, and I had to strain it through cheesecloth, which made it a little white. I don’t know how this affected the taste, but now the taste didn’t interest me - I was ready to drink pure alcohol.

As the percentage of alcohol in my blood increased, my mood improved. By nightfall, I soared over my pit, looking at it with a slight grin. And I realized that I can. I can change my life. I have wasted thirty years, but this year a minute will not be in vain. Everything will change. I promise myself.

The stuffiness drove me out of the room onto the balcony. A group of people were hanging out in the yard, and I suddenly screamed at the top of my lungs:

- I will get married very soon! 

- Who needs you, you fool! - barked back at me.  

Then from all sides flew me swearing and raw potatoes ( Two o'clock in the morning, you bastards! - groaned who - then on one of the balconies, I have a wee sleep !!! - cried hysterically who - at the other), and I preferred to retreat deeper under the visor. Slightly discouraged, but not broken, I smiled mysteriously into space. My eyes seemed to cast long streams of light like spotlights.  

Chapter 2: The New Woman

Bodun was simply amazing: the head is splitting, the stomach begs to go out, and even this noise in the ears ... although in the ears? Or from the front door? I opened one eye and looked at the alarm clock. The thick arrow pointed to six. What - what scared thundered, triggering flash fierce headache. So, this is already overstepping all boundaries! It's dark outside! People are sleeping! I slipped out of bed, some - like her hair and walked to see what happens.

The door to our dressing room shared with our neighbor was thrown wide open, as was the door of our neighbor's apartment. The floor was littered with boxes, parcels, and stacks of rope-bound magazines. There was even a battered swivel chair. What's happening? - I thought, and it seems that it worked out loud, because the disheveled guy who suddenly fell out of the neighbor's apartment replied: 

- Moving. 

- Could you choose another time? 

- I chose a convenient time for me. 

- The law prohibits making noise from eleven in the evening until seven in the morning! 

- And how does this concern me? - the guy grunted.  

- Do you give a damn about people? - I was indignant.  

He froze, clutching the box to him and mockingly examining me with his blue eyes. Seething with righteous anger, I answered him with a defiant, direct look. He looked about twenty years old. The blond hair bristled up on the top of his head, as if he had been shocked, and the scattering of freckles on his nose did not add respectability. His clothes — wide, frayed khaki pants and a Homer Simpson T-shirt — gave him a completely sloppy look. Young, but impudent, I thought gruffly, like a grandmother from a bench at the entrance. 

- Why are you snapping at me? The guy asked calmly.  

- Are you rude? 

- If you were rude, you would immediately understand it. I'm just asking. 

" This noise you make with your boxes will drive anyone out. 

- If only this anyone is really bad with nerves. 

- I was asleep, and you woke me up! I exploded.  

- If you decided to sleep at this time, it is not my fault. 

- Six in the morning! I shouted. His dismissive equanimity infuriated me even more than if he was really rude.  

- In general - is six in the evening, - said the guy and disappeared into the neighboring apartment.  

What? I retreated to my territory, took a phone out of a bag thrown on the floor and looked at the display. 18.22. M - yes ... Have I really slept for that long? And how did I manage to confuse evening with morning? But it was dark ... I looked into the room and slapped my forehead with my palm: the curtains were drawn! I parted them and narrowed my eyes from the harsh light. Pain swung in my head, I felt nauseous, and I rushed to the toilet.

Sitting tiredly by the toilet after a debilitating attack of vomiting, I suddenly remembered about work. God, what will happen now! Urgently explain yourself! I rushed to the phone, bruising my knee on the way on the bedside table in the corridor, and saw on the display: Sat. What's wrong with me today ?! I will never drink again! Exhausted by the worries, I fell on the bed and fell asleep again.

I woke up at nine, when it was dark already - really. Head on - still hurt, damn dress was still on me. I pulled it this way and that. Useless, sewn up tightly. I took nail scissors and tried to rip the threads, but it was uncomfortable on my back, and I was also afraid to ruin the dress. Of course, it looks disgusting now, but with the help of bleach and a sewing machine, I can fix it. The main thing is to remove it first.

I called Diana. She didn’t answer right away, and from the voices and music coming through, I realized that she was not at home and not alone. Well, nothing, I'm sorry,  I said and pressed the reset. If it was just as easy to kick off the dress. It tightly squeezed the chest and abdomen. I suddenly felt that a little more, and I would suffocate in it. What should I do? 

And then I remembered about my neighbor, Antonina Pavlovna. She was not sociable, but sometimes we lent each other salt or eggs, on trifles. And how - what she asked me to take a walk with her dog when the son who did it usually