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    Oliver Twist - The Poem
    Oliver Twist - The Poem
    Oliver Twist - The Poem
    Ebook127 pages1 hour

    Oliver Twist - The Poem

    By Juliette Emma Smeed

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    About this ebook

    Charles Dickens's Oliver Twist has delighted and terrified readers for generations. The novel contains (by turn) some of the funniest and most harrowing scenes from nineteenth-century London in fiction. Characters such as Fagin, Nancy, and Bill Sikes have become legends of the criminal underworld, and the orphan

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJuliette Smeed
    Release dateApr 13, 2020
    ISBN9781838014001
    Oliver Twist - The Poem

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      Book preview

      Oliver Twist - The Poem - Juliette Emma Smeed

      Dr Smeed

      Oliver Twist - The Poem

      Copyright © 2020 by Dr Smeed

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

      Dr Smeed asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

      Dr Smeed has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

      First edition

      ISBN: 978-1-8380140-0-1

      Cover art by Frances Ryder

      This book was professionally typeset on Reedsy

      Find out more at reedsy.com

      Thank you Frances Ryder for the cover art. Although I know you can do much cooler stuff now that you are older, this will always be my favourite Oliver.

      Big thanks to Kiri, Heather, Robyn, Mela, Jo and Josef. Your enthusiasm and faith in me has been everything.

      I am young, and ardent. For there is a poetry in wildness, and every alligator basking in the slime is in himself an Epic, self-contained

      Dickens, The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit, 1843.

      Contents

      Preface

      Acknowledgement

      1. Concerning the Origins of Oliver Twist

      2. In which Oliver Gains a Profession

      3. Concerning Oliver’s First Experience of London

      4. In which Oliver Twist Discovers Riches

      5. Concerning Oliver’s First Brush with the Law

      6. Concerning Oliver’s First Experience of Home Life

      7. A Testing Episode

      8. In which Oliver’s Comfort comes to an Abrupt End

      9. In which Oliver’s Past Catches Up with Him

      10. Concerning Oliver’s Moral Welfare

      11. In which Plans are Made on Oliver’s Behalf

      12. In which Another Treacherous Fellow First Appears

      13. In which Oliver gains a Valuable Ally

      14. Concerning Oliver’s Most Dangerous Hour thus far

      15. In which Dreadful News is Imparted

      16. Into which a Person of Great Significance enters

      17. Which contains Welcome News after a Long Wait

      18. Concerning a Confusing Rural Encounter

      19. In which a Nightmare becomes Reality

      20. In which the Bumbles make Yet More Mischief

      21. In which Nancy discovers that Oliver is Alive - For Now

      22. Concerning Nancy’s fall into danger

      23. Records the Return of an Old Friend of Oliver Twist

      24. In which Nancy risks Everything for Oliver

      25. In which the Two Women in Oliver’s Life Meet

      26. In which Fates are Decided

      27. Concerning how Oliver Discovered his Family

      28. Concerning how Rose Discovered her Family

      29. In which Fagin does Something Dreadful

      30. In which Sikes does Something Worse

      31. In which Fagin’s Crew face Consequences

      32. What Happened at Folly Ditch

      33. The Fate of Bill Sikes

      34. In which the Last Threat to Oliver is Removed

      35. In which Another Family Reunion takes place

      36. Concerning Fagin’s Day of Reckoning

      37. Containing a Record of Fagin’s Last Scheme

      38. Epilogue

      Preface

      Do not attempt to consume this poem in a single sitting. Dactylic tetrameter is a powerful meter that will pull you along at speeds that may result in undue strain. If, however, you are the sort to consume a family size bar of chocolate alone in one sitting, please note that the author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for any of the following:

      Dizziness

      Eye watering

      Mad, rollicking dreams

      Adverbial overload

      The inability to hold a normal conversation

      Any other symptoms

      Any at all

      You are on your own

      Acknowledgement

      I acknowledge that adapting a novel into rhyming couplets is bonkers.

      I acknowledge that adapting an iconic story by the greatest novelist is both bonkers and potentially aggravating.

      And don’t even get me started on the metre. What was I thinking?

      1

      Concerning the Origins of Oliver Twist

      Oliver Twist is a story of suffering.

      Delicate readers will likely need buffering

      From many episodes drawn from the life

      Of this orphan boy born into sorrow and strife.

      And from villains whose deeds are so truly appalling,

      I have to conclude they were bred to the calling.

      The first of his problems was losing his mother.

      The second, a truly despicable brother –

      But more on that later, for here at the start

      There’s some critical background I have to impart.

      Like that Oliver’s mother expired at his birth

      And before she had even been laid in the earth

      Her beloved new babe was encountering dangers

      Alone in the hands of detestable strangers.

      For as she lay dying in pain and distress,

      She feebly clawed at the front of her dress

      Till she drew from her bosom a locket of gold,

      Which she held up to view in a trembling hold.

      Then, with every last ounce of her very last breath,

      She exhorted the woman attending her death

      To ensure that its contents were used to discover

      Her baby’s relations. He’s losing his mother,

      She cried, But his father . . . his name. He is known!

      Then she died in the arms of that filthy old crone.

      But Sally (the crone) took a shine to that locket

      And smuggled it straight in her filthy old pocket.

      A doctor arrived and requested to know

      If the mother had left any token to show

      That the child had a family, or someone to claim him

      (the Parish would otherwise feed him and name him).

      Mendaciously, Sally pretended to check

      For the item she’d nicked from the cadaver’s neck.

      No there’s nothing, she simpered demurely to charm him.

      The Doctor declared, Then we’ll just have to farm him.

      You’ve possibly heard of the terrible practice

      Of farming out babies for money. The fact is

      That back in the times I record in these pages

      (for Baby Farms haven’t existed for ages)

      An orphan like Ollie, with no one to love him,

      Was farmed out to mercenary women who’d shove him

      In any old box, barrel, basket or drawer

      In a room full of dozens of babies, or more.

      They were mostly kept quiet with doses of gin,

      Which explains how they came to be sickly and thin.

      Then they doubled the doses of babies that cried,

      So it’s hardly surprising that some of them died.

      If gin didn’t kill them, then accidents would.

      So imagine this scene (as if anyone could!):

      There’s a room full of babies, just learning to crawl –

      But abandoned, with no supervision at all.

      So they tumble down stairs, or get burnt in the fire,

      Or teethe on the poisons they didn’t store higher.

      It’s hard to imagine a kid could survive,

      But at eight, little Oliver, barely alive,

      With his face freshly scrubbed and his head freshly shorn,

      Was returned to the Workhouse in which he was born.

      2

      In which Oliver Gains a Profession

      A Workhouse is meant to give aid to the poor

      Who are driven by fate and despair to its door.

      But this one, though created for people in need,

      Had been all-but destroyed by parochial greed.

      For on purpose they hired in a miserly ruler,

      So Oliver’s treatment got steadily crueller.

      For breakfast the children drank watery gruel

      Which was measured out sparingly using a rule.

      And the same went for lunch and the same went for dinner,

      Which rendered them desperate

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