The Accidental Patient

The Accidental Patient

Jacqui Tunbridge

Copyright © 2020 by Jacqui Tunbridge

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Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

The Angels Of South Wing Four

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

The Wonderful Staff Of Radiology

Chapter Nine

The Healer

Carolyn The Mind Whisperer

Chapter Ten

The Wonderful Angels Who Work On 12A

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Dear Reader

Do you know what the four most devastating words are, that any woman, hope’s, she will never have to hear in her lifetime? You have breast cancer (that got your attention, didn’t it..) What would you do if it happened to you?

If you were, just rolling along, quite happily living your life, doing the things that you love to do, just being a normal person with every day worries. Then out of the blue, a stranger told you this. How would you cope, how would you feel?

Would you feel like a nuclear explosion had just gone off in your head, and your safe little world had just been turned upside down?...... I did, when this happened to me!

Cancer doesn’t care, if you are rich and famous, or someone who no one outside of your own world, has ever heard of. Are you married with a young family or are you still single and still looking for a partner, or even gay, it doesn’t matter. Cancer doesn’t discriminate.

This disease can come out of nowhere. It might be today, tomorrow, next month or next year. Will you be the one who gets the unlucky roll of the dice or draws the short straw?

Why did it pick me you wonder, why was I the unlucky one to be singled out. It is not fair is it!. What, have I done wrong to deserve this!

Nearly every person you meet, knows someone whose life has been touched by cancer. Whether, it is their mum, wife, sister, girlfriend or daughter.

Have you ever wondered, what treatments they, will have to go through? How scared they might be feeling, trying to deal with this devastating news. No?.... Well… neither had I, until the unthinkable happened to me.

Oh, I always thought I was a compassionate, caring person, and I am. But unless it is you that this news affects directly, you really have no idea of what sort of roller coaster ride your emotions suddenly go on.

When you are faced with your own mortality, and a big possibility, that you might actually die, and not be here anymore!. Well, this is pretty scary stuff!

I’ve always believed, in the true Aussie fashion, that having a good sense of humor and the ability to have a laugh at yourself. When things don’t always go according to plan, or work out how you thought they were going to.

Is one of the most important values you can have and not to take everything in life so seriously.

Sometimes in life, you get thrown a curve ball and things happen for a reason, whether they are good or bad. I have found that it is how you deal with them, that, is so important. And what you can learn from the experience that counts.

Do you have the courage and inner strength, to learn and grow from these events? Or are you afraid to change. You might miss out on so many good things and the chance to meet, so many inspirational people, that otherwise you would never have known. Would it change your perspective of life and people, if you took the time and walked for a while, in someone else’s shoes? Definitely something to think about isn’t it.

Jacqui Tunbridge

My name is Jacqui Tunbridge

I was diagnosed with HER2 breast cancer Christmas 2005

This is my story…….

Chapter One

I was just reflecting on what a fabulous year I have had in 2005. I have worked for Blackmores the vitamin people, for the past five years, and I just absolutely love my job and get great satisfaction from it. In July earlier this year, I won the prestigious award at work of Customer Service Representative of the Year at our, annual sales conference, which was held at Darling Harbour in Sydney.

This is the second time in the five years of working for Blackmores, that I have won this award so I must be doing something right! This award is voted by all the sales reps Australia wide, for the person in Customer Service, who they think shows the right values and goes above and beyond, what is expected to really support the reps in their jobs.

I have only really met the interstate reps, in person a few times at our conferences, but I do speak to them by phone regularly.

I have a great rapport and friendly relationship with them all, and I try to remember personal things that they tell me, that I can bring into our conversations. I am very interested in them all. I feel that they are more friends, than work colleagues.

To be recognized and respected by your peers for doing a job, that I absolutely love, is so very special and rewarding.

There was a standing ovation, as I made my way on to the stage, and I proudly accepted my trophy from our CEO.. How good is this!! I had the biggest smile on my face all night. I feel like I am on top of the world. It doesn’t get much better than this, does it!

I have always played and enjoyed sport. I started playing softball at the age of twelve, and played competitively, for twenty five years in the local competition, mainly in A grade and represented the district, for nearly twenty years in different age groups in the state championships. I had a great reputation as a big hitter!

It is such a great sport and I made many very good friendships. I also took up coaching junior teams, when I was sixteen and enjoyed this side of the game for about twenty years as well.

I love being able to teach kids and help them to develop their skills.

I like kids and connect with them really well.

When I had to retire from softball due to injuries, or maybe my body was just getting too old, probably a combination of both! My brain and arms still were keen, I had no problem throwing the ball or hitting it, but my legs had decided they had, had enough. I was, having to hit the ball a lot further just to reach first base!

I thought it was better to stop playing, while I was still at the top of my game, and retire with my reputation as a good player intact...

But I wanted to still be able to play some kind of sport. One that didn’t involve any running preferably!! My friend Jen’s husband Phil, played representative lawn bowls and she invited me to come along and watch one day.

I didn’t think I would enjoy it, just watching as I thought it would be just a lot of old people playing, but I was wrong. I think the oldest person in their team was fifty and the youngest twenty, but surprisingly I found it to be the most exciting game.

As I became more involved with this sport and the people that play it, I have found that I really enjoy and appreciated the skill that is needed to play.

It is a game not really meant for the oldies, although that is a widely accepted idea that only older people play this when they retire. A lot more younger people are becoming involved. I think I will learn how to play, and that way just maybe, I might have a bit of a head start if I want to continue playing when I retire!

I will still be playing some kind of sport, Just, not as physically competitive as I did with softball, just for a bit of fun once in a while. I love this game and have played in a few fun mixed competitions, and I have picked up the technique quite easily.

It is one of only a few sports where it is normal to drink beers while you are playing! Some people improve after a few beers and others just go down hill, but it is fun and social. I’m not sure which category I’m in yet, probably need a few more beers to work that one out!

In August, my sister Samantha had announced that she was going to have a baby in April 2006. I am going to be an aunty! I am so thrilled for her and her husband Todd. A week later my best friend Jen told me, she was also pregnant and the baby was due a week before Sam. Two babies, I get to look forward to meeting next year! What fantastic news.

I have always wanted kids but it just didn’t work out for me, as I always seem to have struggled when it comes to finding a partner. Maybe, I am too fussy, or just haven’t met the right one, or if I meet someone we are not quite at the same place in our lives and want different things. Anyway, my biological clock is ticking very fast and with no sign of a partner on the horizon.

I think it is highly unlikely at the age of forty three that this will happen. I have accepted this reluctantly, even though sometimes I wish I could have my own baby, but I am happy within, myself, and with this way my life has gone.

I have decided that I will put my energy into being a fun aunty and pour all my maternal instincts and love onto these babies.

In October, my friend Helen who is our Canberra rep, for Blackmores, invited me to stay with her for a week and to explore all the sights of Canberra. Helen organized,. my schedule for me so that I wouldn’t miss out on anything.

I think the highlight of this trip, was when she organized a behind the scenes tour of Canberra Zoo for me, with her son Corey as she had to work. I love going to any zoo and one of my dreams has always been to go to Africa to see the wild animals, and I reckon this is just about as close as I am likely to get.

This was amazing, as I got to see the workings of the zoo and to get up close and hand feed, so many exotic animals.

The first one was the Bengal tiger, as the keeper called the tiger to us. I was in awe of this huge majestic cat, who prowled the fence to come and see what all the fuss was about. There was about ten people in our group and when the keeper asked for a volunteer to feed this amazing animal, my hand went up like a shot. I was the first one chosen, you beauty!!

I went to the keeper and got a chicken leg from her, and I was instructed to just push it through the fence and the tiger would take it out of my hand, just don’t put my fingers through the fence!!…. a chicken leg is only about four or five inches long, and that isn’t really a lot of distance between my fingers and the tigers mouth, when you come to think about it, is it? As the tiger reared up on his hind feet and put his front paws on the fence, I looked into his amazing eyes and mouth and I was mesmerized by his beauty and his power. As I pushed the chicken leg gently towards him, (I hope I still come out with all my fingers attached) and he took it in his mouth, really quite gently which surprised me. Just like a giant cat. I was so exhilarated, excited and perhaps a little bit scared by this closeness.

Wow, I am literally less than twelve inches away from an animal that is almost extinct in the wild and I am hand feeding it. It doesn’t get any better than this. What an awesome experience.

This is a definite must do for anyone who loves animals. I wonder what other animals I will get to feed?

As we went around the Zoo I found myself face to face with a lion and her two cubs, Zebras, monkeys, otters who, raked all their prawns into a big pile and then sat on them, so no other otter would steal them! I was rubbing a dingo’s tummy and I was tickling a giraffes ears and nose, as his long black tongue curled around a carrot that I was holding… this is just such a fabulous experience, how lucky am I.

It was such an incredibly hot day and when we got to the cheetahs compound, where we were supposed to be able to pat them. The keeper was calling them to come down and they looked up from under the shade of the tree where they were resting and you could almost hear their brains saying No way, it is too damn hot, we are staying in the cool and not even the idea of chicken legs could entice them down!

I thought that was really funny putting human thoughts into my image of them, but I guess I do that with all animals and would love to be able to talk to the animals like Dr Doolittle did, in that wonderful movie from my childhood.

Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better, then suddenly a beautiful bear, was licking a kind of porridge off my hand. This, experience is just unreal. The last stop was at the reptile cage when a giant python was brought out, I don’t really like snakes at all and we were made to stand in a line and take off our hats and glasses.

They placed this snake along our shoulders and as he weaved his way up the line, I was freaking out, he reached me and I felt his tongue flicking into my ear! I just lost the plot and told them to get it off me…...Now!!!.. I was so relieved when they removed the snake. What an absolutely magical experience. I will never forget this, and how generous Helen has been too me.

Now, it is December 2005 and coming to the close of another happy fulfilling year. I reminded myself how lucky I was, to be healthy, love my job and the love that surrounded me from my family and friends. All in all, my life is looking pretty sweet. I was happy within myself and looking forward to some well earned holidays after Christmas. I want to save enough money to do some traveling next year. Let’s hope 2006 will be just as rewarding and enjoyable.

I grew up on the Northern Beaches of Sydney Australia, with long golden beaches and the ocean a stunning blue for most of the year. The beautiful countryside with plenty of open spaces, lots of trees, rivers and lagoons, to go fishing and swimming in, and plenty of coastline to just sit, and take in all this beauty or perhaps see some whales as they are migrating up the coast.

This is one of my favorite things to do is to take a picnic lunch with me, and sit on the rocks at Curl Curl beach for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. I quite often see pod’s of dolphins, happily swimming along, without a care in the world. I think in my next life I would like to come back as a dolphin… to me, they are my symbol of freedom and playfulness. The Northern Beaches of Sydney is lovingly referred to by everyone who lives here as ‘Gods country’, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

On Christmas Eve 2005 and we’d organized a family party, at my uncle’s place in Mosman, overlooking Balmoral Beach. I was feeling happy, relaxed and peaceful because I’d just started my holidays. My Aunty Helen always provided great food and wine. Though like most families, I guess we don’t see each other that often, as they all are busy with their own families. But we all adore the time we do spend with each other, and love catching up on all the news.

I didn’t realise then, that I was the one who, was going to be the news the following year. Because, of one little discovery, quite by accident, my whole world was about to be turned upside down and would never be the same again!!!!

I jumped into the shower to get ready for our Christmas Eve party. I was enjoying the relaxing hot spray on my body. I was thinking that while I was there, I should probably do a breast check. As it had been a couple of months since my last one. I had never found anything and secretly, I wondered, if perhaps it was a waste of time, as I was healthy and very, very rarely got sick. I decided to go ahead anyway, as it would only take a few minutes, and then I could go to the party with a clear conscience and not have to worry doing another breast check for a few months.

I started on my left breast and everything felt normal. Then, as I moved on to my right breast. I felt this hard lump, it felt like a squash ball, maybe three cm in size. My heart and brain just stopped……… If this is what I think it is, My God, am I in some trouble. I kept feeling it to make sure it was really there and I hadn’t imagined it…. YES. IT IS THERE!! My first thought was, BUGGER this isn’t a good way to start my vacation… Most of the doctors are on holidays, as it is the start of a four day Christmas weekend.

My immediate reaction was that it was breast cancer. I don’t know why. We have no history, of breast cancer in our family. I just knew that something was seriously wrong. But knowing that there were no doctors available until after Christmas, I decided not to mention my fears to anyone….. Why, ruin everyone else’s Christmas…. When this lump, might not be anything anyway, and just maybe, it might go away, if I don’t acknowledge it! Very, wishful thinking on my part, perhaps. Anyway nothing can be done about it, until after this long weekend, so I decided, I just have to carry on as I normally would…. Oh Crap, how am I going to keep this to myself all weekend!!!

I kept this fear deep inside of me and didn’t tell a soul. How could I possibly say those words out loud, they are incredibly scary to even think about. I didn’t want to tell anybody, or even really think about the lump, just in case my worst fears come true. So I guess I am in a bit of scared denial at the moment. I will just have to wait until next Wednesday, and go and see my local doctor then. So he could tell me that nothing was wrong and make these nagging fears that are spiraling around in my head just disappear, and tell me it is just a cyst or something… Right….I’m only 43, surely its not going to be cancer???.…… I just don’t get sick. I’ve always been into sport and have been healthy.

Apart from a few broken bones and bruises, which I have always recovered quickly from. I am definitely not a sickly person.

The lump doesn’t hurt and I feel fine. I tried to convince myself that it is nothing to worry about. I went to the party and pasted a smile on my face.

Nobody, in my family guessed the emotional turmoil that was going on inside my head. I guess that I am very good at wearing a mask to hide my inner emotions, and really just want everyone to see that I am happy. I had no control over the ’What if scenarios’… that were swirling around in my brain like a tornado. Mind you, I did drink a lot more than I usually would!

I kept telling myself over and over, maybe it’s only a cyst, but for my peace of mind I would go to my doctor on the Wednesday, before I mentioned my fears to my family... I pushed all my worrying thoughts to the back of my mind….

Hard as that is to do. But, then I got to thinking about Kylie Minogue the performer, who was only 37, and six months earlier she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had started to undergo treatment.

Hey, what if that was going to happen to me too?? Because, of Kylie’s diagnosis, a lot more younger women were going for mammograms, which is a good thing anyway. I tried to remember when I last had a mammogram??.

Shit, that was three years ago on my 40th birthday!…. Hmmm….

Kylie has certainly increased the awareness of breast cancer in younger women, all over the world, by being open and honest about what had happened to her… I have a fleeting thought that if I’ve got it, I will try and be open and honest too. And try to help other people as well….

Maybe, I am just getting a bit too much ahead of myself thinking like that.

I still have another two days to get through, before I can see my doctor.

This waiting game is driving me crazy! I still don’t want to mention it to anyone in case my worst fears come true. I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything no matter how hard I try and distract myself.

I have not been able to sleep… my brain, just won’t turn off and if I do manage to get a few hours sleep. I am plagued by very scary nightmares of sick people, who look like skeletons chasing me with all sorts of medical equipment and wanting me to go with them somewhere….. I know I just don’t want to go there, wherever there is… I am trying to run in the opposite direction and I wake up in a sweat, totally freaked out.

My brain is in turmoil and I decided to go to my special spot, on the rocks of South Curl Curl beach, to try and sort out my thoughts, and to calm me down. I sat on my favorite rock, which is like a king’s chair overlooking the ocean, my favorite place I go, when I need to think about things.

I just watched the waves crashing beneath me, for what felt like hours…. A million thoughts are going through my head… Not surprising at all, most of them were bad.

I hope some dolphins come by, they always make me feel better and calmer, and at peace, but they are nowhere to be seen today... maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

I’ve heard of so many people who have died from breast cancer. I know two who I grew up with, when I played softball. My Canadian friend Val was only twenty five, and had just had a baby, when she was diagnosed and was dead within a year. And Julie who was the same age as me, and we played softball together for a few years, lost her battle a couple of years ago.

Surely this wasn’t going to happen to me as well? I’m not ready to die yet. I’ve got too much living to do. I’ve got to be around for the two babies that will be born in April.

If this is breast cancer, I am going to fight it hard with all my energy and hopefully beat it any way I can. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC, and I won’t let it beat me if at all possible. But remember, I tell myself, it hasn’t been confirmed yet. Don’t scare yourself with what ifs, maybe it might still be a cyst… maybe…..

Hang on, I am getting way to ahead of myself, I need to, back pedal my thinking a bit, and get rid of these negative thoughts.. They are not the answer.. Negative thoughts are never the answer. You have to always have hope and believe in yourself. I have always been a glass half full kind of person not glass half empty.

I decided to try and be positive and not think bad thought’s, hard as that is.

I’ve worked myself into a such a terrified state, that I find myself outside the medical centre at 6.30am the following morning, and it doesn’t even open till 7am! I wanted to make sure that I was first in line to be seen by my doctor. Dr Hans was extremely worried when he arrived at the surgery to see me sitting on the ground, outside the surgery in tears.

He is about the same age as me, and Dr Hans has looked after me for ten years and is someone I totally trust. Hans sees me straight away, as soon as he opened the clinic and he can tell that I am really freaking out. I blurt out I think I’ve got a bit of a problem, I’ve found a lump in my breast, can you please check it out for me……..

My heart is racing, I can feel it pounding in my chest and I almost forget to breathe, while he is examining me, and over and over in my mind I keep saying Please tell me it’s nothing… please tell me it’s nothing……….

He finishes his examination and turns his back on me for a couple of minutes. Then slowly turns around to face me, with tears rolling down his face. He opens his mouth….. It seems like everything is in slow motion and he says I’m so very sorry Jacqui…..

I hear him saying words like mammogram, tests, scans, biopsies, surgery immediate, urgent…..

But these words don’t make any sense to me, as I collapse in tears in his office. It is a very big chance that I have breast cancer, to be confirmed by a mammogram and biopsy.

My God, it feels like a nuclear explosion has gone off in my head. It can’t be true? It can’t be right what he is telling me.… Can it??. Just last week I was so happy and enjoying life and now this. I don’t understand what he is saying, this can’t be happening to me.

I feel like I have just entered some weird nightmare while I am awake, and that I am watching this in slow motion happen to somebody else, who looks like me! I’m supposed to be on holidays and having fun. I don’t feel sick and the lump doesn’t hurt. I don’t want to be a statistic! Why me! Shit, how the bloody hell did this happen…

Then from a great distance, I can hear, Hans calling