Out of Work: A Humorous Book about Silly Work Rules in the Work Place! Funny Books, Funny Jokes, Comedy, Urban Comedy, Urban Books...

CONTENTS

Introduction

1. The Promotion

2. Celebrating the Promotion

3. First Day as Plant Manager

4. A Work in Progress

5. Jimmy’s Union Meeting

6. Lionel’s Trouble Continue

7. Thomas’ New Job

8. The Wedding Trip

9. The Week of Court

10. Allen Shields Turnaround

11. Lionel’s New Position

12. Mama’s Baby Papa’s Maybe

13. F.D.’S Total Collapse

14. Mr. Sampson Gets a Surprise Visit

15. The Best is Yet to Come

In memory of my father

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Out of work

My name is Lionel and I want to take the time out to introduce myself to all of you. First of all, I’m a hard working man who loves his family. I have a wife, four kids, and a mother-in-law to take care of. So everyday I’m working my butt off to make ends meet just to pay the bills. I have been working at my job for quite some time now and it’s starting to take a vicious toll. And to make matters worse, I haven’t seen a peep of a raise in eight years. So now I’m ready to try something different. Now, don’t get me wrong, being a supervisor is good and all, but it still doesn’t bring in enough money for me to support my family. I know that men have to do whatever it takes to survive, but some of these jobs are just not worth it. Working for pennies is not what I call a way of life. I’ve bent over backwards just to please my employer and it still hasn’t paid off yet. I can’t afford to walk away from my job because I’m the only one who brings in the dough in my household.

I remember being out of work a few years ago, and my wife used to wake up every morning and give me that early morning look that says I hope this fool finds a job soon. I’m tired of coming home and seeing his lazy ass sitting in his drawers playing video games. Well, maybe it’s only me, but I know I’m not the only man that feels this way. It's only so much that you can do when no one wants to hire you. So you sometimes have to move your pride to the side and take whatever’s available. At this place, I started off at the bottom and somehow worked my way up to the top. The top at being one of the meanest and ugliest people you ever wanted to work for. I forgot where I came from and it began to transform me into a ruthless monster. I was about to be promoted to one of the highest positions that placed me right up top with the CEO’s of the company. And since I was at the top of the rankings, I felt like I owed the damn company. Even my wife was embarrassed at the way I acting. I had turned into a drill sergeant overnight and my employees just couldn’t believe some of the rules they had to follow while working for me. Some of my employees even tried to make it difficult for me to come to work everyday, but that didn’t work. I still came to work with a smile on my face and a bullhorn on my side.

Most of my new hires are well-educated employees with college degrees. They could get a job almost anywhere and get paid well over a hundred grand a year. But when you have a family to feed and a job market that’s in turmoil, you damn near take anything. To make a long story short, we have to sometimes take the bitter with the sweet, no matter how much it pisses us off. And sometimes when we’re working for these awful companies that could give a rat’s ass about us, it still feels like we’re Out of Work!

Chapter 1

THE PROMOTION

It’s early Monday morning and Lionel is up making breakfast for the whole family. Lionel is so excited about his new promotion he doesn’t know what to do. The strong aroma of frying eggs and grits in the kitchen caused the children to leap out of their beds, awakened from a deep sleep, and hightail it into the kitchen. Lionel’s always frying everything, including the grits. The problem with Lionel is that he sees things totally different from the outside world. That's why he's up for a promotion at Allen Shields. Lionel’s wife grew excited about Lionel getting a promotion. Ever since Sheila found out about the great news, she’s been giving it to Lionel every night. Lionel hasn’t had this much sex since he was a freshman in college.

Steve, Julian, Michelle, and Kristy were all excited for their pops. Julian was the oldest of the bunch, so he knew his father really well. He also realized that if anyone gave his father authority over anything, it was really going to be a disaster. He felt that some people can’t handle authority because they take it to a totally different level. We all have had bad experiences with horrible bosses before, and Lionel was one of those bosses.

But anyway, breakfast was ready and Lionel was waiting at the table for everybody to come downstairs and eat, except for his mother-in-law. Lionel made sure that Grandma June always missed her breakfast. Grandma June was the mother-in-law from hell. Lionel and Grandma June both hated each other’s guts with a passion.

Lionel was waiting at the table when everyone had finally made it downstairs to eat breakfast. Grandma June walked in the kitchen with a huge smile on her face, fully aware that Lionel would be disappointed to see her. She even let out a little chuckle when she got to the table.

Good morning everyone!

"Good morning, GRANDMA JUNE. I thought you were sound asleep. We didn’t mean to wake you," said Lionel

"Oh don’t worry, LIONEL, you didn’t wake me," Grandma June nonchalantly replied.

That’s great.

I made sure that I set the alarm clock this time around. You’re not leaving me out of the loop for breakfast this morning.

Well, just make sure you don’t eat too much this morning. We all know how that stomach of yours can get. We can’t have you running back and forth to the bathroom blowing the whole damn house up again.

You just wait one damn minute mister! I wouldn’t eat this damn food if it was the Last Supper. You know how much I hate your northern cooking. We all know that you people up north can’t cook good old fashion southern food anyway.

First of all it’s not southern food or northern food; it’s breakfast, now eat!

Everyone at the table was turning their necks from right to left as if watching a tennis match as Grandma June and Lionel went back and forth at one another. Sheila had just about had it with all the heated comments that were going on between her mother and Lionel.

"ENOUGH! That’s it! Sheila yelled. I have had it with you two going back and forth at each others’ throats everyday. Mom, do you realize what day it is?"

"Not really, SHEILA. Oh, yeah. It’s my favorite day. Family Feud will be on all day on TV Land. They’re running a marathon all day today."

"No mom, I’m not talking about Family Feud on TV Land. I’m talking about my baby’s big promotion at work. They’re promoting Lionel today to his brand new position."

Oh, what happened? Gary Coleman wasn’t available? Grandma June quipped.

Gary Coleman? He sighed.

Those people must be pretty damn desperate over there at that Allen Shades place.

Lionel didn’t let his mother-in-law ruin his morning, and he corrected her with a fierce tone.

That’s Allen Shields, not Allen Shades.

Oh, whatever!

And by the way, it’s a promotion, not a role in a TV sitcom.

I can’t tell. It seems like they’re hiring a bunch of damn characters anyway.

What makes you think I didn’t deserve this promotion anyway, Mommy Dearest?

I don’t know, Lionel. Maybe it’s because you only made it past the tenth grade.

You had to go there, huh?

Yep.

Well, the last time I heard, the only promotion your son ever received was a free week’s stay down at the ‘Crack Head Recovery Center.’ And that was a big jump for him!

Grandma June was furious now, and she snapped back at Lionel fiercely.

"Just wait one damn minute, YOU! My son hasn’t smoked crack in three weeks!"

Three whole weeks. Wow! That’s a long time.

You son of a…

"MOM!" Sheila shouted.

For your information, pal, my son has been recovering quite well at this point. So mind your damn business. These kids don’t need to hear what my Junior is going through. said Grandma June.

Lionel fired back, Come on! Everybody knows that your Junior’s on crack!

Grandma June was very sensitive about her son being in a drug rehabilitation center.

She turned to her daughter, You know what, Sheila?

What mom?

"You guys can just eat breakfast without me. I’m going upstairs to watch my Family Feud."

The children watched their grandmother storm out of the kitchen, damn near falling over everything on the floor. Steve always set up booby traps around the house just so Grandma June could fall down and break a hip or something.

She screamed. "DAMN-IT! Someone pick these damn toys up!"

Go over there and pick your toys up off the floor, Steve, Sheila said.

Okay, Mom.

 Grandma June somehow avoided tripping over the toys and had gone upstairs mumbling to herself until she reached the top of the staircase.

Congrats to you my wonderful son-in-law, Grandma June yelled down to him.

Now that’s more like it mother, Sheila beamed.

Lionel responded, Thanks, Grandma June!

Now that your paycheck is bigger, you can get that penis implant that my daughter always wished for!

"WHAT THE HELL!" Lionel shouted!

Mother!

"SHEILA! Did you tell your mother that?" Lionel asked.

Well, uh…

What are you trying to say, Sheila? Are you trying to embarrass me in front of our children?

No, I’m not trying to embarrass you, babe.

Are you crazy, woman? What is it, Sheila, I’m not man enough for you?

Sheila bounced back and explained to Lionel exactly what she meant.

Baby you know that I love everything about you, sweetheart. I was just hoping that maybe one day you could upgrade that worn out Cadillac of yours.

Worn out Cadillac? What the hell!

You know what I mean babe? You know how men sometimes get when they age.

I don’t, Sheila. Explain!

Kristy didn’t have a clue what her mom and dad were talking about, so she decided to ask her mom a question.

What’s a worn out Cadillac, Mom? Kristy asked.

You’ll find out when you get older baby girl, that was Julian.

Sheila then went on to explain what she meant. Lionel just sat there listening at his wife bash him in a respectful manner.

Okay. You know how sometimes people lose a couple of inches in their height when they get older?

Yes, Lionel answered.

Well, things start to shrink up on you guys as the years go by, and it’s not the height, babe.

Well I-B-Damn. Thanks for the inside scoop, Sheila.

Let’s not talk about this now, sweetie, responded Sheila. This is your big day, and I want you to enjoy it. Now, let’s go upstairs so I can put it on you before you go to work.

Sheila and Lionel ran upstairs into their room to handle their business. Sometimes Lionel’s heart couldn’t take all that punishment that Sheila gave out in the bedroom. Sheila was quite a beast between the sheets and that drove Lionel crazy.

Julian was a freshman in college over at UCLA. And since he was the oldest, he helped his little brother Steve and his two sisters get ready for school while Sheila and Lionel handled their business. It had been two and a half minutes and Lionel had already exploded.

"OH MY GOD! JESUS!" Lionel almost came and went at the same time.

What?

Just give me a minute, babe. My heart’s pounding like crazy. It feels like my heart is about to jump out of my chest.

"DAMN that’s it!"

Yep! I told you not to move your hips so fast. And besides, babe, I have to hurry up and drop the kids off at school.

Well Okay. Is Julian riding with you? Sheila asked.

I think so.

All the kids were lined up in a single file line, waiting at the front door for their dad. Lionel walked downstairs and screamed out to the children.

Okay, kids, let’s get this show on the road! Lionel yelled. Hey Julian, you coming?

I’m coming.

Hey, Dad, Kristy said.

"What is it, KRISTY?"

Tie my shoes.

Julian, tie your sister shoes, would you?

Okay, pop.

****

Lionel was taking the kids to school, and after that, he was headed to work. When Lionel finally made it to Edger Thorpe Elementary, Miss Lang was outside waiting. As they drove up to the school entrance, Lionel leaned over and whispered something to Julian.

Hey, Son.

What’s up, Pop?

That Miss Lang knows she got some long sexy legs on her. Is she married? I know that usta be your teacher back in the day.

I’ont know, Pop, but I can ask her for you.

No, don’t do that. I was just curious.

You sure?

I’m positive.

Steve, Michelle, and Kristy were all trying to eavesdrop on the conversation Lionel and Julian were having.

Whatcha you guys talking about, Dad? Kristy asked.

Oh, nothing, Kristy. I was telling your brother about my big day today.

Oh.

OK guys. Have a good day in school.

Everyone answered in unison, Okay, Dad.

The kids got out of the car and went to class. Lionel was anxious to get to work this morning because of his big promotion.

I got to hurry up and get you back home, Julian, so I can make it to work on time.

Wait a minute, Pop. Don’t take me home. Just drop me off over at the YMCA. Me and a few teammates of mine are playing basketball over there.

There you go, Junior. Keep your skills nice and tight.

I’m trying pop.

While everybody was getting out of the car, Miss Lang was making her way towards the 1976 Dodge Trooper. The children hurried into the school while Miss Lang began to give some important news to Lionel.

Wait a minute, Mr. Thompson. I need to speak to you in private if you have a minute.

Of course, Miss Lang. What is it?

I want to talk to you about your son, Steve.

Okay, Miss Lang. Is something wrong?

Yes, there is.

Well, what’s going on?

Mr. Thompson, it appears that Steve has been doing a little hustling at school.

What?

He’s been selling the other kids here at the school all kinds of candy and snacks.

Really?

I’m afraid so. When I caught him in the act, he had at least $100 dollars in his book bag.

 "Miss Lang, you’re telling me that you’re referring to MY Steve?"

Well, how many Steves do you know?

I know plenty of Steves!

"Well, I’m talking about YOUR son Steve. I think you may need to talk with him."

Okay, Miss Lang. Thanks for telling me.

You’re welcome.

Miss Lang walked off and went right back to work. Lionel was shocked to hear that Steve was hustling on school grounds.

I wonder who’s supplying Steve with those snacks? Lionel asked.

Well...

Talk to your brother for me, would you?

Okay, Pop. But I’ont think it’s going to help.

Well, why not?

Because Grandma June is supplying Steve with the inventory.

Damn! For real?

Yep.

Well I guess I’ll talk with Grandma June tonight when I get home.

You do that.

Oh, I will.

 Lionel was heart-broken to hear that his ten-year old son was hustling at school. Lionel had to stay focused that morning because he had a big day ahead of him. He couldn’t let anything get him off track. Not on that particular morning. He had to remain relaxed and think about getting to work. Lionel wanted to make sure he stayed focused for his big promotion day.

****

When he arrived at the plant, he discovered that his gate key wasn’t working. The new security guard working the gate really gave Lionel a hard time. The folks around the plant started calling him Serious Billy after just one day on the job. Serious Billy took his job a little too seriously. Most of these big name companies like Allen Shields gives their employees gate keys to get in and out when entering the parking lot. This particular morning, Lionel’s gate key didn’t work at all. So Serious Billy truly thought that Lionel was trying to sneak into the building.

Serious Billy asked, Excuse me, sir, but what is your name?

"The name is Lionel, sir. That’s L-I-O-N-E-L, Lionel."

I know how to spell, sir. That was Serious Billy.

Sorry.

"Now Lionel, my name is BILLY, and it’s really nice to meet you."

Likewise, Billy.

Now, it seems to be that the gate key you’re trying to use is a little too rusty.

I can see that! Hell, it was working yesterday.

Mr. Lionel, I know that you’re fully aware that there have been several break-ins during the past few weeks, right?

How would you know about the break-ins at our building? Lionel asked. I never saw you working around here at the guard shack before.

Oh, I know. Today is my first day and Mr. Gold and Mr. Sampson gave me the lowdown on what’s been going on around here.

Well, what did they say? Lionel asked.

You know, you ask too many questions, sir, Billy said.

I do? Lionel was sarcastic when he asked.

Yeah, you do. And I’m losing my patience.

Huh? I have a right to ask questions, man! I’m an employee here.

That’s it! Serious Billy blurted out. I know you’re not an employee here, so get off the premises before I call the cops.

Say what? Man, give me a break! Did I just tell you that I was a freaking employee for crying out loud?

I’ll give you a break alright.

Serious Billy picked up the phone in the guard shack and proceeded to call the cops.

Are you calling the cops, man? This is fucking ridiculous!

Serious Billy then pulled out one of the screwdrivers that he carried in his back pocket and threatened Lionel by moving toward him. Lionel didn’t move one muscle. He simply rolled up his window and locked the doors on his Dodge Trooper. Lionel was trying to explain to Serious Billy that he was an employee there at the plant, but S.B. wasn’t hearing it. Finally, Mr. Sampson walked up and ended the confusion. Robert Sampson was one of the CEO’s and a co-founder of Allen Shields, and he had flown in from out of town to give Lionel his big promotion.

 Wait a minute, Billy, that was Sampson.

"Oh, hey, Mr. SAMPSON, I didn’t see you standing there."

Mr. Thompson is one of our supervisors and one of the finest men that have ever worked here at Allen Shields.

Oh.

 He’s not a crook, son. Now, calm down, and step away from the vehicle, Mr. Sampson ordered the overzealous security guard.

Serious Billy finally stepped away from Lionel’s car and apologized to him. Mr. Sampson used his own gate key to let him inside. Lionel was still confused about his gate key not working, but he was just about to find out why. Mr. Sampson escorted Lionel into the office to meet with him and Max Gold, the other CEO and co-founder of Allen Shields. The time had come, and Lionel was sitting in the office to hear the great news about his promotion. Mr. Sampson started off first with a presentation, showing Lionel everything that Allen Shield stood for.

This company stands for commitment, hard work, and gratitude.

That’s right, sir. That’s why I love working here. Allen Shields is the best.

And we appreciate your loyalty, Lionel. Your hard work here has gotten you a reward.

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about!

Lionel then braced himself for the big news he was about to hear.

Well, Lionel, do you know what today is?

I think I do, sir.

Well, it’s a new beginning for all of us, buddy. Do you know why we called you into the office today?

It’s for my big promotion. I don’t know what kind of promotion, but I know it has to be big.

You bet it’s big, my friend, Mr. Gold joined in. We want to promote you to be our new Plant Manager of Allen Shields Inc. What do you think about that, Lionel?

Lionel couldn’t believe what he just heard. He knew that it would be something big, but not this big. Lionel had just gone from being an underpaid supervisor to becoming the top dog at Allen Shields. Lionel was so excited that he didn’t know what to do. Mr. Sampson and Mr. Gold still had more great news to tell Lionel.

I know how much you love working here in this location Lionel, but we have another offer for you, said Sampson.

Wow, another offer. You guys are the best. Now what’s the offer?

"MR. GOLD and I would like for you to work at one of our newest buildings. It’s located about ten miles away from this location. You’ll be in charge of the entire plant."

You serious? You guys are giving me a new facility?

That’s right.

I don’t know what to say.

Just say ‘yes,’ Lionel, said Gold.

Lionel almost had a heart attack from all the great news he was hearing. The new plant was recently built, and it was the largest of the three Allen Shields plants. Lionel was ready to start his new career as plant manager.

Yes, I would be honored to work at the new location. And I promise you guys that I’ll take care of the new building as well as I took care of this building, Lionel said, sucking up.

That’s what we like to hear, Gold said.

This has already been the highlight of my career, Mr. Gold and Mr. Sampson. How can I repay you guys?

Sampson replied, You can repay us by doing a great job as plant manager.

You can count on me, guys, Lionel said with a smile.

Oh yeah, we almost forgot to mention Lionel, that you have just received a $65,000 pay raise.

Before Mr. Gold finished talking, Lionel had passed out on the floor in their office. Lionel had just become one of the highest paid ass-kissers of all time. Now they really had Lionel by the balls. After 15 minutes or so, Lionel had finally got up from the floor and walked out of the office with the biggest smile on his face. Now Lionel realized why his gate key didn’t work. All of Lionel’s friends saw how happy he was, and Lionel told them why. Mark Jung was one of Lionel’s closest friends on the job. Lionel explained to Mark why he wasn’t going to be working there at the old location any longer.

Guess what, buddy?

What?

I’ve just been promoted to plant manager.

Congratulations, Lionel! I’m happy for you, bro.

 "But that’s not all, MARK. They’re moving me over to the new location that’s only ten miles away from here. I can’t wait to go home and tell my family. I’m so excited that I could kiss you, man!"

I’m excited for you, Lionel, Mark beamed. When do you start working over at the new location?

I’m guessing as soon as possible. I’m ready to leave this old dump anyway.

 I wish I could go with you, Lionel. I’m tired of working over here at this old run down building, too. You think you could pull some strings for me?

You bet your ass I can pull some strings for you. I’m the new plant manager and I call all the shots from this day forward. I have Mr. Sampson and Mr. Gold right where I want them. And that’s in the palm of my hands.

You think so, huh?

You damn skippy! Lionel was very self-assured. I’ll make sure you transfer with me brother. It will be all good my friend, trust me.

Don’t get too cocky, Lionel. You know how those two old fools can be. They’ll turn on you like a jungle snake.

Look Mark, forget them. I’m the man in charge now and no one’s going to tell me what to do. You got that, bro?

I got it bro, loud and clear.

Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.

Mark was excited to hear Lionel’s good news. Lionel marched right down to have a little chitchat with the Allen Shields’ CEOs. Lionel walked right into the office where Mr. Gold was eating his afternoon lunch.

Hey, Mr. Gold.

Hey, Lionel. What can I do for my brand new plant manager?

Well, Mr. Gold, I was walking around the building thinking about the great news you guys told me earlier. And as I was walking, I was talking to some of the guys in the warehouse. And did you know that Mark Jung started working here at Allen Shields the same day I started here?

Well, yes, I remember that day.

We had our orientation on the same exact day. Mark has been working with this company for years, and he’s really been a great employee. I think he’ll be more than happy if he could transfer with me to the new location. I really want to bring him along with me.

If that’s what you want, Lionel, then that’s what you get, my friend. Mark Jung can join you on your journey to success at Allen Shields’ new location.

Yes! Lionel triumphantly exclaimed.

As a matter of fact, you have the option to bring four more workers if you like. But, that’s entirely up to you, Lionel. Just tell Mark that he’s got a promotion as well. I can also make Mark your new assistant plant manager. Mark will truly love that.

Lionel was so excited and ran to tell Mark the news. Lionel went to look for Mark inside of the locker room where Mark was always asleep. And just as expected, Lionel saw Mark napping over by the steam room. Lionel went over to tell him the great news.

Hey man, wake up before Mr. Gold catches your ass asleep and changes his mind about your new promotion!

What promotion, fool? I didn’t get any promotion, you did.

Oh, yes, my friend. I just asked Mr. Gold if you could come with me over to the new location and he said yes! As a matter of fact, he’s even making you my assistant plant manager. What do you have to say about that?

Before Lionel could finish talking, Mark passed out on the floor for about 15 minutes. Mark needed to make some extra money because he needed to support his wife and his baby they were expecting in a few weeks.

Lionel wanted to bring someone else along with him besides Mark, and he had the perfect person in mind that would fit in with his new and growing team. Lionel marched down to Shirley Jackson’s favorite hang-out spot in the plant, the ladies’ restroom. He went down to the restroom near the plant cafeteria where Shirley would normally hang out to tell her the news. He knew that Shirley was in the restroom because he saw her push broom leaning up against the trashcan. He knocked hard on the door, but Shirley didn’t answer. Lionel decided to make his way into the restroom, but once he opened the door, the smell damn near took his nose off.

Lionel almost choked when he yelled out, "SHIRLEY! Are you in this damn restroom?"

Shirley was sitting on the toilet passed out. She had just got finished eating a bowl of chili and collard greens about two hours earlier and she was fast asleep.

"SHIRLEY! ARE YOU IN HERE TAKING A SHIT?"

Shirley awakened and said, You damn right I was taking a shit! But I passed out and fell asleep. What do you want now, Lionel?

Lionel stood there covering his nose while trying to communicate.

"FUCK! It isn’t what I want, it’s what I need. I need to light a match to offset the damn smell in this restroom."

Shut up, boy.

What the hell you been eating girl? It smells like a cemetery in here. I’ll stand outside until you’re ready to come out.

Thank you! I’ll be out in a second.

Good Lord, it smells like cow ass in here, girl.

Okay, Okay. Just give me a few minutes. I have to wash up a little. I have to run some soap on my ass before I walk out of here. Just give me a minute.

After about five minutes, Shirley finally emerged from that funky dungeon.

What’s all this fuss about? I was getting my beauty sleep.

Lionel answered while still holding his nose tightly, You telling me that you can fall asleep on that toilet, with a gushy ass and that smell?

Well, yes, Lionel, I can! Shirley explained with confidence.

Now, that’s just damn disgussin’. Anyway, I have some great news to tell you.

Well what is it? And this better be good.

I just got promoted to plant manager at the new Allen Shields location. And to top it off, they’re allowing me to take a couple of people with me.

Congratulations Lionel!

Thanks smelly. I mean, Shirley.

Look, Lionel, I’m not trying to be funny, but what in the hell that got to do with me?

Because I’m taking you with me, fool. You think I marched all the way down here to the other end of the warehouse just to smell your sour ass? I damn near passed out in that restroom!

Oh, I’m sorry.

And, I’m pretty sure that I can get you more money, too.

Shirley just stood there and glared off into space.

Is that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ Shirley, damn! I don’t have all day to wait for you to give me an answer. You know we’ll have our own cafeteria with all kinds of meals prepared for us at the new location. You know how much your big ass likes to eat.

Well, in that case, yes! I will be honored to go with you to the new plant.

Good.

By the way, will there be any cute guys working there?

I’m sure there will be a lot of cute guys working there. And hopefully there will be a lot of cute ladies working there for me. You know how I like to get my flirt on.

Yeah, right. Sheila will have your clothes packed and placed on the front lawn quicker than you can blink an eye.

Tell me about it.

Shirley continued to work the rest of the day and Lionel went on with his daily routine as well. The work day was almost over and Lionel was making sure he stayed close to the time clock, just to make sure he was the first one to clock out that day. Once the bell rang, Lionel ran out of the building, heading straight for his car. Lionel was in such a hurry that he almost ran over Serious Billy when he was driving through the exit gates. He was so excited that he forgot all about the disturbing information from Miss Lang earlier that morning.

****

Lionel pulled into his driveway going about 30 miles per hour. Before that, he ran over the mailbox along with the neighborhood watch cat. The cat wasn’t hurt but he was a little shaken. Lionel jumped out of the car and ran straight past everybody who was standing at the door waiting to greet him. Lionel had eaten some of Shirley’s leftovers that were sitting in the lunchroom. It was the same food that had Shirley’s ass on the toilet. So now Lionel had to rush in the house because he had a bad case of the runs! Once he was done taking care of that bit of business in the upstairs bathroom, he came down to join his family for dinner. Everyone was waiting for him to discuss the great news.

So, babe, what happened today at work? Did you get that promotion you were promised? asked Sheila.

Lionel pretended to be sad at first but then he burst into laughter and shared the news.

"THEY PROMOTED MY ASS TO BE THE PLANT MANAGER, BABY! AND THEY’RE ALSO MOVING ME INTO A NEW LOCATION! I’m so excited, Sheila, I just don’t know what to do."

Everybody jumped out of their seats to give Lionel a big hug. All the kids were dancing around the kitchen celebrating. Sheila went over to Lionel to give him a kiss.

I’m happy for you, baby.

Thanks, Sheila.

Hey, Daddy. I’m so happy for you, Michelle said.

Thanks, sweetie.

Kristy walked over to her dad to ask him a simple question.

Dad? That was Kristy.

Yes, baby?

What’s a tree manager?

Sheila explained, No, baby. It’s called the plant manager, sugar. It’s almost like your father will be the president of that particular location. Do you understand what it means now, Kristy?

Yes I understand, Mom. That means that Dad has to tell everybody a bunch of lies just to keep them happy.

Something like that, baby, Sheila said.

Wait a minute, baby doll. Daddy will not lie to his employees when he’s the plant manager. If anyone of my employees are doing a bad job and not being productive at work, then I’ll tell ‘em to shape up or ship out. And if they can’t handle the truth, then I’ll tell ‘em to get the hell out of my building.

"GOOD LORD, LIONEL! You ain’t been plant manager for a full day yet, and you’re already talking about firing people."

I’m just getting mentally prepared, Sheila, that’s all.

Oh, is that what you call it? Sheila was being sarcastic.

Grandma June had finally awakened from her long afternoon nap and came downstairs. She didn’t know what all the excitement was about and was quite annoyed.

What’s all the excitement about? You guys woke me up from my dream a few minutes ago. I was dreaming about me and Redd Foxx getting it on right after his show in Las Vegas. I was just about to put it on Redd when you clowns woke me up. Now, what’s all the damn fuss about?

Sheila explained, Well, Mom, Lionel just got a huge promotion as plant manager down at his job. Isn’t that exciting?

Grandma June was a little confused, so Kristy whispered in grandma’s ear to explain.

It’s almost like being the president of a country, Grandma.

Oh! That means you have to tell the people who work for you a lot more ‘B.S’ than you already tell them. I mean a lot more bull crap.

Grandma June had the right idea about what being a plant manager involved. Then suddenly, in a bizarre move, Lionel stood on top of the kitchen table to make an announcement.

Let’s make a toast to the man of the hour! Everybody get a little something to drink. Grandma, you can have your usual Russian Vodka like you always drink. And Sheila, baby, you can drink this 2010 Red Blend California wine with me. And Julian, you can have what me and your mom are having.

Thanks, Dad, Julian said.

Hey Dad, can I have a bottle of water? Steve asked.

Damn, I forgot to go by the store and buy a case of water today. That was Lionel.

You can get water from the sink if you want, Son, Sheila said.

Listen, Sheila, Grandma June beamed in. Don’t let these children drink water out of the faucet. You know that tap water can be filled with all kinds of sewage remains. I bought a case of water earlier today. So kids, if you want some water, just go in grandma’s room and getcha some.

Thanks, Mother, Sheila said. And Kristy and Michelle, you guys can have some juice.

Okay, Mom, the both of them answered.

Grandma June and Steve walked upstairs to get a bottle of water. Once Steve and Grandma June were in the room, Grandma June shut the door.

Hey sweetie?

Yes, Grandma?

You got something for me? Grandma June asked.

"Yes ma’am. I have YOUR half of the money right here in my pocket."

Give me.

Steve had made over $100 at school that day and Grandma June wanted her cut.

Here you go, Grandma.

Thanks, sweetie. Now this 50/50 split we have going is just for your probation period honey. Once you start making more money, your percentage increases.

Okay.

Now let’s get back downstairs, sweetie, before somebody catches us.

Yes, Grandma.

Grandma June and Steve quickly went back downstairs. Grandma June didn’t want to risk the chance of getting caught in the act exchanging money with Steve. On the other hand, Lionel still wanted to share some great news with Sheila regarding his promotion.

Hey, Sheila, I’m going to fill you in later on tonight about who I’m bringing with me to the new location, Lionel said.

Under her breath, Sheila says, I can’t wait to fill you in tonight, babe. Just make sure you save your energy for me. It’s going to be a main event, babe, if you know what I mean.

Oh, baby. You really know how to get my water hose pumped up.

You know I love keeping it fully pumped!

"ENOUGH YOU TWO! Don’t you guys realize we have virgin ears around here?" said Grandma June.

Sorry, Mom!

Sorry my ass. You don’t have to apologize to her. Her ass don’t pay any bills around here, Lionel responded.

"LIONEL!"

Okay, Okay. I’m sorry.

Now Mom, all I was saying is that I hope the gym membership I gave Lionel comes in handy tonight.

And why is that Sheila? Grandma June asked.

Because he’s going to need to have his cardio condition up to speed later on when we both hit the sack tonight.

Oh, don’t worry babe, my conditioning is better than any professional track athlete you can think of.

Lionel knew damn well he hadn’t even driven past the gym in months. The only cardio Lionel had been doing was walking his ass around that old rusty warehouse at work.

Later on that night, Lionel wanted to have a little talk with Steve. Steve was in his room playing his video game when Lionel walked in.

Hey, Son, whatcha doing in here?

Hey, Dad. I’m just playing my video game.

Oh. Isn’t it time for you to go to bed?

Yes. But I’m not sleepy.

Well I want you to go ahead and turn that video game off and get ready for bed.

Aw, man. Okay, dad.

Steve turned his video game off and got himself ready for bed. Lionel then asked Steve about the situation Miss Lang brought to his attention earlier that day.

 "Hey, Son, I talked to Miss Lang today at school, and she