Changing Lives

Chapter 1

THE PAST, 1989

It had been a long few weeks. The planning had all come together and a successful evening, enjoyed by all, was now at an end. She’d managed to keep the whole thing a secret from him and the look on his face as he walked into the function suite to be greeted by all their friends, proved she’d been successful. She’d got his mum and dad, brother and sister-in-law down from Aberdeen to Edinburgh to add to the surprise and had thought it would be good to meet up with them the following day for lunch. Thirtieth birthdays only come around once, and she was glad she’d been able to do something nice for her husband. The kids had enjoyed it too. Janey glowed as she remembered the look on his face when he realised what was happening. How he kissed her, laughing and dancing all evening and the beautiful words he’d said about her when the crowd had all encouraged him to say something.

Maybe this would be a turning point for them; maybe he’d realise just how much she loved him. She settled the children in bed; they were all exhausted after all the fun and a late night. She came back down the stairs and poured herself a small drink. She deserved it. She waited for him to come into the house after seeing his family off to the local bed and breakfast.

The door closed behind him and he came into the lounge and shut the door.

Kids asleep? he asked.

Sound as a pound, they’re exhausted. Janey turned to him, smiling and waiting for him to take her in his arms and thank her for such a wonderful evening.

His look was thunderous. You lying bitch. He spat the words at her. What the hell was all that about?

Janey was shocked and felt the familiar racing of her heart and sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. What do you mean, what have I done?

How did you manage to arrange all that without me knowing? You have no right to keep secrets. What else are you keeping quiet about? A lover maybe? Money squirrelled away? Planning to leave me? You will never survive without me; you need me to look after you and the kids. Never, ever do anything like that again. He grabbed her and held her close. As she felt his breath on her face and his fingers tightened around her arms, she feared the worst. He’d never forgive her for this and she’d pay the usual price. She felt herself tense. You are mine, no one else will have you. Three kids, you’re spoilt goods. He kissed her roughly. No one else will ever love you the way I do. Bed.

Janey wriggled away from him, hot tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t want to let him see her cry; it always made him worse. Bed it was, and another night of humiliation. Surely it shouldn’t be like this. This should be a happy evening with lovemaking, not the prospect of sex with her too tense and trying not to cry as he carried on anyway. Again. She’d really done it this time. How could he be so wonderful to the outside world? Everyone thought he was the perfect husband and father, she had no one to tell, no one to turn to.

Sometimes things aren’t what they seem…

Chapter 2

THE PRESENT, 2013

Losing their faithful seventeen-year-old Tibetan Spaniel on that hot sunny day, had shocked the whole family – the next few days seemed so empty without their little companion. After coming over to say goodbye to Gizmo, Janey’s oldest two had departed for their own homes and the house seemed very empty as Janey adjusted to a dog-free house for the first time in twenty-seven years. She couldn’t even bring herself to get rid of her faithful friend’s collar, so she carried it around in her bag as some kind of good luck charm. Janey hoped her luck would change soon.

Fraser, her youngest, was at university now and although he had his own life to lead, he still lived with his Mum. Although twenty-one now, and constantly threatening to move out, Fraser was good fun and they got on well, like two unlikely housemates. He had never known a house without a four-legged pet, now it was just her and Fraser at home. The space was lovely, but sometimes too quiet. Her house had been a bit cramped as the kids got older but now that Donald, her oldest was away, living with Heather, a lovely lass, and most definitely one of the family, in the Borders and her daughter, Iona, was now living and working in Stirling. The house got busy on occasions when they were all at home, or when Fraser decided to have his guitar playing, boozy pals round, but that was fun and they all helped nowadays. Losing her dog was a huge milestone for Janey. Her parents had both died within a couple of years of each other, her mum just the previous year and she sometimes felt she was losing her grip. All this sorrow seemed overwhelming and she knew she’d have to do something.

You’ll need to get another dog, Mum. Fraser said.

His deep blue eyes brimmed with tears. He wore his blonde hair straight to his shoulders and now he shrugged it back and bent down to give Janey a hug. Janey loved her kids with a passion. Not in a smothering way, she was proud of the way her two eldest were making their way in the world and she knew she’d miss Fraser when he eventually left. It often felt strange in the house when he was away for a few days, but she’d get used to it. He still had two years of university left and he was so easy to live with. That’s as long as she didn’t dwell on the chaos behind his bedroom door. When she did occasionally venture in to retrieve plates, glasses, cups and cutlery she shuddered at the mess within.

The cultures Fraser could grow in an old glass of juice or forgotten cup of tea made her toes curl. Which was why it was easier to keep the door shut rather than nag. Every so often she’d hear Fraser clattering about long into the night, then the bin would magically fill and he’d even take the hoover upstairs. Janey knew that just like the others, he’d sort himself out once he had a place of his own. She supposed she’d been much the same as a teenager.

Fraser’s big hug made the tears well up and she hugged him back, hard. She loved the easy way all of her children shared their emotions with her. It made the tough years of bringing them up on her own all the more worthwhile. She was still amazed at her two big sons, both tall and handsome, and her only five foot two. And her daughter, Iona, built like Janey, was in her twenties, small and petite but with long blonde hair Janey had always been so proud of. Janey’s hair was dark and wavy, as her oldest, Donald’s would have been, but he kept his unruly mop short.

She missed Donald, living as he did in the Borders with his partner, Heather. Donald has a good job as a creative illustrator and Heather was teaching music. They’d done what a lot of young folk did now and looked further than Edinburgh for jobs. She missed them dropping in for Sunday tea, a tradition she’d always tried to keep up as the children got older. It was a special time in the week where the family could catch up. Around the table would be whichever of her kids were staying along with whatever waifs and strays popped in. Janey’s Sunday roasts were a legend amongst all their friends. They’d never be the same now without her wee dog begging for scraps and getting under everybody’s feet until he got a tit bit.

I can’t get another dog just yet, Fraser, it’s far too soon. And anyway, you’ll not be here for much longer and dogs are quite a tie. I’d like to be able to visit your brother or sister without worrying who’s looking after it. Janey pulled away from Fraser who was clearly suffering at the loss of the companion he’d had for most of his life.

But you’ll be all alone in the house, he protested, you loved walking the dog.

There’s no law says I can’t go for a walk on my own. I could join a walking group. Anyway, Katie’s a great one for walking. She’s always going up north bagging some Munro or other. I’m sure she thinks she’ll find some handsome rich highlander one of these days.

They both smiled, Katie was Janey’s friend and ever since Katie’s divorce after almost twenty-five years of marriage, she was making up for lost time. All that time on the roller coaster of almost happy to miserable had made Katie determined to find her knight in shining armour. She was forever regaling stories of mad dates she’d been on. But so far, no knight.

A walking group, mum. They’re for wrinklies, and you’re not really that old yet, Fraser broke into her thoughts.

Oh, thanks very much – Katie’s hardly a ‘wrinkly’ and she goes walking. Janey was laughing despite the threatening tears.

But she goes with all your friends – the Forty something Floosies."

So, that’s what you think of us? Remember they’re some of my dearest friends. And yes, we’re all forty something but that doesn’t mean we’re all looking to jump into bed with the nearest available man.

Fraser grinned It’s about time you jumped into bed with someone mum, you’ll forget how to do it soon.

Janey made a friendly swipe at him, So cheeky for a youngest son! I don’t comment on your love life.

Speaking of which, mum, I’d better be going soon.

The twinkle in his eye made Janey think that there was more to his plans than seeing his friends gigging that evening. She was almost jealous. Not of Fraser, but of having a romantic companion. He was quite right, if she didn’t do something soon, she’d heal up. She looked out of the window to the large garden beyond. I keep thinking I’ll see him bounding back from the garden at any moment. Or hear him scratching at the door to get in. I know he was old, but he was so fit, right up until the end. It seems such a shock. Fraser’s eyes looked sad again.

That look made Janey’s stomach clench. She knew she couldn’t help him with the loss, but experience of losing other pets reminded her that things would soon feel better for him.

He’s been part of the family for seventeen years, Mum. I can’t imagine the house without him. I even keep thinking I hear him rooting about in my room for scraps.

Well don’t make that an excuse for leaving the smelly plates any longer than you do now. Janey chided her son gently.

Fraser smiled, Hint taken. But you’ll miss him a lot, he’s company for you when I’m not here, and besides, you’ll look daft out walking on your own. You’ll have no excuse to go out when I’m doing your head in.

It was Janey’s turn to smile. I’ll think of some other excuse to count to ten in peace, don’t you worry. Now, how about some food before I have to go out?

Don’t worry, mum, I’ll do tea. Pasta OK?

Janey was very glad she’d encouraged all her kids to cook. There were times it came in very useful. Fraser might be a midden in his bedroom, but he was very handy in the kitchen. Her mum had ruled the household when she was growing up. Her dad had been the breadwinner and the house had been her mum’s domain. Even to the extent that Janey hadn’t really known how to cook when she’d left home to get married. It had been a steep learning curve and she’d been determined to bring her three up to cook and iron. She had a rule in the house that everyone over the age of thirteen should do their own ironing. The ironing rule had been great; Janey didn’t have too many rules, but that one had certainly saved her from the huge weekly job that so many women were a slave to. Her kids were all now experts at finding clothes that needed minimum ironing.

It was at times like this she missed her own mother. Her parents had helped her a lot with the kids when she’d finally plucked up the courage to get her abusive husband to leave. They’d been there to babysit and to help with the children after school. They were quite a close family, really. Never living on top of each other, and sorting out squabbles before they got too bad, and she even had regular contact with her brother who lived in Sydney, Australia.

Janey’s mum had died a couple of years after her dad, but it was a bittersweet time for Janey. Lots of time to get to know her mum as a close friend, seeing her body get weaker, although her mind was as sharp as ever. Seeing her nearly every day. Her mum used to always tell Janey she did too much and didn’t take enough time for herself. Janey remembered the huge hole her mum’s death had left. Janey was glad her mum was no longer suffering but she missed her. She missed the laughs she and her mum had had. The easy companionable afternoons just chatting or watching television or wandering around a garden centre.

Janey’s children missed their grandparents too. It seemed hard sometimes, Janey thought, to be the head of the family. All three of her very well-meaning children had encouraged her to get a puppy at various times. Even before her Gizmo had died, so that she wouldn’t be without a dog. Their motives were all well intentioned. But things were different for Janey now. Her whole world had changed in all sorts of subtle and not so subtle ways over the last few years and getting another dog was not in her future plans. She felt the time was right for her to have some time for herself. For the first time ever it seemed that she’d be able to put her desires into action. She felt a bit guilty and a little selfish planning to do her own thing but she pushed such thoughts to the back of her mind. She’d spent a long time putting others first and now it was her time. If only she could make up her mind exactly what to do and how she’d manage to afford it.

Chapter 3

Fraser kept waving until he turned the corner. He’d always done it. Whether going to school, the shops, work and now just off to see his pals, he knew his wave meant a lot to his mum. Well, OK, it meant a lot to him too. Christ, it was sad about the dog. Fraser was really cut up about it. Seventeen years of his life. His wee pal. He wandered up their road in the comfortable area of Craiglockhart in Edinburgh, head down, fighting the tears. Past the cherry tree that always seemed to have a branch fallen down but never got smaller. Past the post box that he used to drop his mum’s letters into when he was wee and be thrilled when she trusted him to do it alone. Past the wall that he and his siblings used to walk along much to the annoyance of the homeowner who’d chase them if they got caught. It made it all the more exciting and made them all the more determined to do it. Fraser still remembered the time his sister Iona dared them to jump off the highest end. He’d been fine but Donald had fallen awkwardly and protested about the pain in his wrist all afternoon so that they all had to confess to mucking about. It had been so boring at the Sick Kid’s Hospital later that evening and Don had got all the attention. Looking at the wall, Fraser realised it wasn’t as tall as it was when he was younger. I must be growing up, he thought. That would be a first – quite a scary one too. He was looking forward to going back to University in a few weeks’ time, the summer holidays were long and he missed the socialising. Meanwhile he worked at the same boring supermarket as his mum. It was tedious but gave him some cash to go out with his friends. He had been trying to persuade his mum to quit. Fraser knew that hundreds of years ago his mum had been to university and trained as a nurse. Consequently it frustrated him that she stayed at the supermarket, even if it was convenient, especially as the new manager was a real bully. All the staff just kept their heads down, got on with their jobs and sooked up to her. She loved to wax lyrical to anyone who visited about the closeness of the team and how the working atmosphere was wonderful. Then she’d be a complete bitch to one of the staff. Fraser reckoned the senior manager was the only one who couldn’t see how her two-faced attitude lowered staff morale. No wonder her nickname was Cruella De Ville.

Tonight was going to be good. He lifted his head as he walked and took a deep breath. He’d keep his tears for another time and put on his cheery face. Maybe his sadness at his dog dying would soften the heart of the girl he fancied.

He did worry about his mum though. She’d always been there for all of them and now she was going to be on her own. He wanted to move out like his brother and sister, but he had a fierce loyalty to his mum, maybe because he was the youngest. And of course it was cheaper. He passed the big house at the corner and looked to see if his bus was coming. Nothing yet. He reached the bus stop. The traffic was much busier on the main road. Their wee house was tucked away in a sleepy corner close to the park. He ran his fingers through his hair. He quite liked his blond hair, which was always a talking point with the girls, being long and straight. He had a notion to dye it dark to match his dark eyebrows, but his mum would probably have a fit. And he should really tidy his room; that would cheer her up. She was always moaning about the state of it. He just couldn’t be bothered taking glasses and dishes downstairs and they seemed to multiply all by themselves so that she’d complain about running out of stuff. Maybe he’d tidy up tomorrow.

As he waited for the bus, he thought about the gig he was going to. His mates were playing tonight. Fraser wished he had the guts to play in public; he loved his guitar. Once he was back at uni he’d think about joining a band. Probably a debating society would be more him, he thought, or a drama group. He’d loved drama at school and now that he was doing history he’d have the chance to do other things as well. Fraser had always liked everything to do with history. He and his mum had probably visited all the castles in Scotland and he loved the highlands. And many piles of rubble