Confidence is Queen

Chapter 1: You Have it Inside of You

When I talk to individuals or companies about their goals they’re always asking how.  How to make more revenue.  How to get into a relationship.  How to find happiness.  How to build a business.  How to get out of suffering.  How to get rid of toxicity.  How to get healthy.  How to lose weight. 

Goal -> How to solve

By this point, they’ve likely tried at least one solution:

Getting out in front of more ideal clients

Showing up at more networking events

Changing jobs

Finding a new company to invest in

Finding a new group of friends

Changing diet or exercising more

Something’s missing.  They’re still not where they want to be.  What I’d like to offer is a way for you achieve everything you want in life.  Whatever you’re looking to accomplish, if you grasp this way of being then you’ll find that everything is possible.  The way is the fuel to get to the how.  It’s like the motor in a car.  You need it to get to where you’re going, otherwise you just have the tin shell.

It’s a way to experience life more powerfully.  A way to feel comfortable trying new things and saying YES more to new opportunities.  A way to look in the mirror and see the support you need to get through everything.  A way to show up in life authentically and unapologetically.  A way to fuel your passion and your purpose.

Once you understand the way, then your options for how become limitless.

I have a little secret to share with you.

Everything you need is already inside of you; the answers, the strength, the how.  The way to it is to tap into your confidence.

Regardless of every preconceived notion you may have, confidence is an inside job.  Yes, you can put on an outfit you feel good in and dial up that confidence.  You can pull your shoulders back and walk with intention.  You can get your hair done and put on heels that make you feel like a million bucks.  That will only get you so far.  The inside is where the magic happens and is that motor that will keep you in forward motion.  Your actions, your demeanor, the way you show up is a direct reflection of what is happening on the inside.  Everything boils down to confidence. 

Takes confidence to love yourself, to take control of your life, to start a new business, to jump into a relationship, to start a family, to ask for that raise, to change jobs, to hang out by yourself, to show up every day and do the dang thing!  Confidence is constantly coming into play in your life if you realize it or not.  Confidence is the way to get everything you can dream out of this life.

I want this book to be more than just another motivational, rah-rah kind of book.  I want this to transform the way you show up in your everyday life.  I want you to walk away and know how to take control of your world and be seen in the way you should be seen.  I want you to feel confident to step into new opportunities and try new things, so you don’t live a life of regret or question if you shoulda, coulda, woulda. 

We treat cash like it’s king.  You can do anything with cash.  Well, you can’t buy confidence, and confidence is the key to get you everything in life—including money.  Money can’t buy you happiness, peace, love, success, relationships, but confidence will help you get all of those things.  I want you to be as powerful as the queen in the game of chess, the one that can make the moves and can win the game.  It’s internal empowerment that will revolutionize your life, and the best part—it’s free!  If you’re ready to take control and live limitlessly- then buckle up- because we’re about to fire it up!

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It’s probably easy to look at me and think I’ve always had confidence.  I mean, I’ve walk into places and people think I’m the owner- I’ve just got that vibe, I suppose!  I walk in as a 6’1 woman with 4 heels and I tower over people.  Literally, I walk in a room and eyes start coming my way.  It’s always been this way; the stares, I mean. 

People have always finger-pointed, talked about my height, asked about my height, stared at me, taken pictures of me or with me.  It’s interesting to be me, no doubt!  Today, my height is one of my greatest assets, but it was a journey, believe you me!

I remember as a child getting called the Jolly Green Giant, being asked how’s the weather up there?  I never had pants long enough and my mom always had to take the hem out of the pants I could find.  It seemed hard to be tall.  It was different being tall.  It was uncomfortable being tall.  I seemed to be one of the only tall females.  I’m dating myself, but I lived before the Internet was made public.  I didn’t know tall women existed!  I was even around before the WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association) came into existence!  I don’t know where the tall women were, but I certainly didn’t come across many, and I felt seriously alone!

I learned at a young age just how uncomfortable growing pains can be.  Yes, I mean the actual pains of growing.  I grew almost half-a-foot in two years, and I can remember having sore legs and a back full of red lines.  My aunt was a nurse and my mom had her take a look at my back one time.  What were these unusual marks all over my lower back?  Stretchmarks, that’s exactly what they were. I grew so quickly that my skin couldn’t keep up, and not even my mom knew what was going on (I’m the tallest in my family). 

Kids can be cruel.  How they ever got this way- I’m not totally sure, but they can be mean.  I wish there were more anti-bullying initiatives and mindset classes when I was a kid, that would have been exceedingly helpful to get through life.  But it seems we just figure out how to survive as we navigate through this playground called life.  All I knew is I felt different, kids told me I was different, and I hated it. 

Why do you wear heels?

I don’t want to stand next to you.

Don’t you think you’re tall enough?

You’re an amazon.

You’re too tall to ride this ride.

Yeah, kids can be really mean.  It’s hard enough trying to navigate life while learning to accept your body, learn yourself, find friends, go to school, learn to date, manage your hormones, control your emotions, and then to be told you’re different!  Growing up was a rollercoaster!

My confidence was not high.  There wasn’t much I could do about my height, but I did try to make myself shorter, I absolutely tried.  I remember thinking about every way I could shave the bone in my heels to make myself shorter.  I had heard about women in Asia having surgery on their feet to fit into pointy-toed shoes, so there had to be a way for me to shave the bottom of my feet!  But I was 12, how I was going to make that happen?  So, I learned the hip lean. 

The hip lean?

Yeah, you know that thing where you bump your hip out and you get shorter by an inch?  Yes, that’s what I did.  My friend, Lisa, called me Shelf because she could rest her elbow on my hip.  It took me from being a towering six-foot-one to six-foot.  Wow, lots of good that did me!  I ended up giving myself scoliosis.  Now, as an adult I have a curved spine.  Brilliant.  You fooled the world for a few years that you were an inch shorter and now you have a permanently curved spine!  Lesson learned there (and a reason we need to be mindful what we do to our bodies at a young age- let’s add that to the grade school education)!

I really fought my height and I think I subconsciously tried to do things to distract people’s attention.  I don’t know if me having bleach blonde hair, 19 piercings, and two tattoos by the time I was 17 years old had any correlation to how I felt about myself, but I’m pretty sure it did. 

I was always into creating distractions.  Look over here!  Look at how amazing things look on the outside! While in the meantime, I hid my feelings and engaged in destructive behaviors that I kept hidden.  I internalized everything people said to me.  I didn’t want to look weak, so I bottled up my feelings and shoved them under the rug.  Not only did I internalize what people said, but I truly believed my height was a curse. 

The truth is, I saw myself as nothing but flaws; my height, my weight, my personality, the size of my feet!  I was a victim.  The world was against me.   

Had you told me the universe was always working for me and I had a choice of how I experienced this life I would have said you were crazy.

Let me tell you, that young girl didn’t walk into establishments and people think she was the owner.  Not even close!  That girl didn’t have the confidence to look at herself in the mirror and tell herself that she mattered, that she was loved, that she was valued.  That girl had no value, so why would the world appreciate her when she didn’t appreciate herself?  She couldn’t fathom the universe working for her.  Unbeknownst to her, she gave away control over how she experienced life.  So many people do.

It took me 35-years to figure out the way to win in life.  I can honestly tell you that I’m grateful it only took me that long because some people never figure it out.  Some people get to their deathbed and wonder what their life would be like if they had lived differently.  I wouldn’t have changed any of my journey either.  I needed every step to get me to the moment I made a new choice in how I wanted to show up in the world.

Yesterday is gone.  Every moment is a new moment to start over, and that’s exactly what I did.  May 13, 2018, I made the choice to change my world, to transform my life, to become the person I knew existed inside.  That day changed my life forever.  I was told the seven words that took me from victim to victor.

You need to learn to love yourself.

Sounds so simple, but I had been fighting who I was for so many years.  I kept seeking solutions for my problems, but I was looking externally to find the answers.  How do I find happiness?  How do I find success?  How do I find peace?  How do I find joy?  How do I find meaningful relationships?  How do I fix my problems and take control of my life?  I tried all different external solutions—you know, the how.  Nothing worked. 

Why?

I went after temporary solutions instead of getting down to the root cause.  The problem wasn’t my height.  The problem wasn’t my drinking.  The problem wasn’t my eating disorder.  The problem wasn’t my divorce.  The problem wasn’t my job.  The problem wasn’t the men I dated.  Every solution I found how to fix my problem was only temporary; until I finally looked in the mirror.  I had a mindset problem. 

On my journey to find self-love, I realized that everything I needed was already inside of me.  I didn’t understand the woman in the mirror.  I didn’t know how to love the woman in the mirror.  I didn’t know what the woman in the mirror was capable of.  I didn’t know the woman in the mirror was responsible for everything in her life.  When I understood that life was a combination of mindset plus action, life changed.  Everything I ever wanted became evident with that new piece of knowledge.  The woman in the mirror that I avoided for my entire life was the answer to every problem I ever faced.  I had to learn to trust her, to believe her, to have faith in her.  Trust, belief, faith—that’s the definition of confidence.

Finding the solutions to your problems might not look the way you think it’s going to look.  In this book we’re going to uncover the way to get you to your most powerful state of being.  You’ll be able to dial in to your confidence and it will change your life.  It’s not the how to get to your solutions, we’re focused on the way to find the answers, which are all already inside of you.

If there was some magic pill strategy, then that person would be a billionaire.  I’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars chasing resolutions.  I tried so many external solutions of how to fix my problems; moving, shopping, Chinese Herbs, hypnosis, acupuncture, even thinking that if I got into a relationship then that would bring me happiness and all my problems would go away.  You know what all those did?  I had temporary happiness in my life.  Pills don’t give you skill.  External solutions only give you temporary fixes.  Period.  The only way to make true change in your life and find your answer is to know yourself.

All the money I could have saved chasing solutions when I had what I needed the whole time! 

Cash may be king, but it won’t build your mind.  It won’t bring you long-term happiness.  It won’t give you confidence to do, to be, to get the life you want.   

What I was missing every time I sunk money into a new how to fix solution?  I wasn’t getting honest with myself. 

Why didn’t I want to get honest?

It felt weird.  I hated feelings.  I had a lot of shame.  My past was too littered with failures and let-downs.  Who wants to do the work when you can just go shopping, or get in a relationship, or find some other distraction?  Just fix the problem and move on, right?  I didn’t want to face myself, so I didn’t.  The result?  My problems kept showing up again and again. 

When I was 15 years old, my parents put me in modeling school.  I remember graduating from John Casablanca’s Modeling School and thinking I was going to make a career of modeling.  Well, that didn’t happen.  Why?  I didn’t love myself.  I didn’t embrace myself.  Who wants to take pictures of a woman who lacks confidence?  Maybe a Prozac commercial would have wanted me.  

It took me 20 year after graduating from modeling school for me to get comfortable in front of a camera.  And now, as a hobby I work with photographers taking photos.  I love it!  It brings me so much joy to create art!   

What’s happening on the inside reflects on the outside.  You can’t fully hide it, even if you think you can.  Your anger, your fears, your frustrations, your anxiety, your lack of confidence, your lack of self-love will all shine on the