Redding- In Between the Lies (Book 1)

Redding: In between the lies

Chapter one

The world spins on an axis and the only time it seems that I can feel it is when the motion of my head loses control. The room spins and before I know it I’m on the floor, unconscious, oozing things out of my mouth which seem unnatural. For me it is a daily occurrence and no matter how many people have told me ‘life goes on’, it doesn’t. Not for those few minutes while I am on the floor, wondering that this will not be the last time it happens, wondering how life will be at my new University and wishing that for me life would stop going on and on and on.

When I have regained consciousness I have forgotten what I was doing before I collapsed onto the floor, like a useless heap of rubbish. Those precious few minutes are wasted and I am feeling more lost than before. Every time this has happened to me I am reminded of the day that changed my family.

It was like any other day as my mum and I decided to go on a shopping spree as my dad had decided to treat us. This was the first time I had had the courage to get out of my house after the headaches started to happen. When I hit the floor this time, the pit of my stomach was bubbling with anxiety.

The crowd that had formed while I was unconscious began to disperse which seemed to happen really slowly. I looked up, resting my weight on my hands and looked at the unusual surroundings. As the pounding in my head slowed down, the noise around me entered my ears and I managed to sit up. No one dared to help. Why? I didn’t know. Who could be more embarrassed than me?

Eventually when I had scanned my surroundings I spotted the shelves stacked with various items, trolleys were being pushed away from where I had created a scene and I saw my mum. Going back to my question, the one person who was more embarrassed than me was my mum, who was looking away and pretending that she didn’t know that her fifteen year old daughter needed her help. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness poked at my heart as I stood up.

That day when I got home I knew that what had happened and had been happening since I turned thirteen was going to be remembered forever. I went to sleep that night, trembling as my tears kept escaping from my eyes until I felt that nothing more could come out. When I did wake up I walked straight into my parents’ room. I knew that what I saw that day was going to stay with me, crushing away my heart and making me feel guilty.

My dad was sitting up in his bed, his head bowed down as he rubbed his forehead and I heard the cries exerting from him. This was the first time I had seen him cry and it felt unusual, like it wasn’t normal. Even though, I didn’t know how to comfort him I ran into his open arms and all he said was ‘She’s gone.’ The words reached my ears and I shuddered at the thought of not having her in my life anymore. My dad’s arms tightened around me and I closed my eyes, accepting that from now on it would just be my Dad and I.

Now, as I am on the floor again but this time on the soft cream carpet, the fibres squashed beneath me, I have started to wonder what I was doing before I ended up on the floor. I used my hands to push myself up and slammed my weak body onto the bed. The throbbing in my head continued to increase and I found myself holding my head as if I was trying to stop it from exploding. My body was curled up which I have realised is an instant reaction each time I have managed to work out my surroundings.

The force in which I had used to keep my eyes shut had caused the fear in me to reach obscure levels. Hence, when I felt the warmth of my dad’s arms around me was the time I knew he was in the room.

It’s okay…you just need to relax.

As his hands moved in a circular motion against my back, my muscles started to relax and the throbbing in my head subsided. That’s it Chloe…relax…

Dad… I sat up and spotted the dark circles under his blue eyes. …thanks.

He kissed me on my forehead, stroking my arms which made me feel like my normal self.

Love you.

The room became quiet as my dad left to sleep again. I knew that he had heard the pain that had anguished from me when I thudded to the carpet. It was the only way he knew what was happening to me and as it had become a norm, he had learnt to grasp certain aspects of it.

I covered myself in my cold, purple duvet cover; my thoughts travelled back and created a vivid image of my mum in my mind. My eyes closed slowly and I am now looking through the dark brown eyes of my fifteen year old self. My body shuddered as I remembered walking into my parents’ room and discovering my dad crying. Yet, the one thing I didn’t mention before but remembered vividly everyday was that when I jumped onto the bed to hug my dad, I saw my mum lying next to him. She had her eyes closed, her face was as white as the pillow she was resting on and one of her arms was dangling from the side of the bed. Each detail I took in made the emptiness in my heart rupture through my mind. I screamed as I noticed the empty bottle on the bedside table. I shook her as I tried to wake her up. I cried in my dad’s arms, repeatedly telling him it was my fault.

That was the reason that each time I fell to the ground in a heap, I wished I wasn’t here but that my mum was still alive. My dad needed her and I saw the loneliness that reaped from his eyes, growing every day. He was lost without her and even though it had been three years since she had left us forever, he still refused to sleep in their bedroom. He would never step into that room and when we had buried her body, it was my job to remove his belongings from the room. I had left everything else the way it was and have kept away from that room ever since.

Even if I stepped out of my room I avoided looking down at the end of the hallway. There were no photos or a mention of her name in this house. She had chosen to take away her life and my dad had chosen to take away our memories of her. It was as if she had never existed.

Chapter Two

The rain pattered against the kitchen window as I sat down with my cereal bowl on the dining table. The gloomy atmosphere seemed to enter the kitchen through the open gap in the window and I felt myself breathe in this toxin of obscurity. When my dad had finally made his way downstairs I breathed out the toxin towards him.

Don’t look at me like that, I said, swallowing down the chewed cereal. I told you I am ready for this.

I don’t want anything to happen to you, muttered my Dad, putting a pot onto the gas stove. It’s your first day.

Dad, it’s not like I haven’t done this before. I walked over to where my dad was standing, putting my bowl in the sink and rolled up my sleeves. I did go to college for two years.

Yeah but most of those days you spent home because it was horrible th-

Seriously… I dried my hands and placed them on his shoulders. His worried eyes sunk into mine. I will be fine and if anything happens then I will be able to handle it. His expression didn’t change. If I can’t then you will be the first person I call.

Promise?

The words reached my ears and triggered the memories of my mum, when she had promised that she wouldn’t let me suffer alone when I first collapsed. Hearing that word now meant that I had to do something that my mum couldn’t. I had to keep it.

Never be broken, I replied, kissing him on his stubble cheek and leaving the kitchen.

I sped up the stairs and started to get ready for my first day. As I placed my new notebook in my bag, the sickness feeling in my stomach increased and I became unsteady. The room was moving, the rain outside was getting louder and the heat was exploding inside me. I stumbled onto my bed as the control of my body was overpowered by the eruption of pain in my head. I felt my eyes getting heavier, the strong scent of caffeine reaching my nose and I saw my dad before I saw the darkness.

Chloe…

My senses became alerted, sending the touch of my dad through to my brain.

Chloe, you’re at home in your bedroom.

I looked around the room, capturing each detail and spotted my bag on the wardrobe with a notebook placed on the top. As I processed the details I had remembered why I was in here and that I was getting ready for my first day.

However, I waited for my dad to tell me because he was the only one I trusted to remind me of my surroundings when I got into this state.

What was I doing here? I asked, hoping that even though he didn’t want me to go today, he wouldn’t lie. The anxiety seeped out of his eyes as he stared at my solemn face. Dad?

University, he blurted out as if he couldn’t have stopped himself from telling me the truth. You’re getting ready to go to Uni.

Thanks Dad.

I watched him walk out of the room, my heart starting to relax and I grabbed my belongings. As much as my dad was frightened for me, I was worse. My body was shaking with fear as I stepped out of my house and into my dad’s car. I never learnt to drive because the ‘illness’ I had could lash out at any time. Would I have wanted to learn? Yes but I accepted that in my life I couldn’t get the simplest of things.

Are you okay?

I nodded but kept my true feelings hidden. I was petrified.

Just remember it’s the first day for everyone in your year.

I know. I’ll be fine. I looked away from him, knowing that the panic inside me was penetrating from my face. He placed his hand on my trembling leg. Chloe the staff know about your… He paused as he concentrated on the road ahead. …thing.

I looked at his face as his cheeks turned red and laughed out loud. I can’t believe you sometimes. You might as well say the monster growing inside me.

You know it’s still hard for me to-

To what Dad? The anger inside me boiled, causing my eyes to widen and the trembling of my body to suffer. You are not the one who has to pray that it won’t happen in front of so many people. I could collapse at any time and forget what the hell I was doing before that and where I was. I raised my voice. So if you think it’s hard then try living my life.

The car came to a halt and I looked straight ahead at the entrance of the University. I reached out to open the door, sensing the guilt in the air but decided not to turn round.

I’ll get the bus on the way back, I shouted, slamming the door behind me, leaving the tense atmosphere locked away.

The University looked like a building that had been there for years. All the greenery at the front of the huge building was overgrown and the trees were taking over the sides. I continued to make my way down the long path towards the glass doors, noticing students staring at me as I walked past them. My cheeks were exploding with bursts of heat so I quickened my steps, pushing my dark, brown hair from my face.

Hi, can I help you? Are you a first year student? asked a girl with the words ‘We can help’ imprinted on her red, bright T-shirt.

Yes. I let go of the glass door and stood inside.

What are you studying? The smile on her face widened more which surprised me as I didn’t think that would be possible.

English Language and Literature.

Oooh how exciting. You must be happy.

Happy?

You know it’s you first day and all that.

Were you happy on your first day? I asked, annoyed with her fake facade. "You must have been so excited."

She looked at me as if I had sucked out the happiness from her and injected her with reality.

Name? she asked, not giving me any eye contact and looking down at her clipboard.

Chloe Redding.

Right let me take you to the lecture hall.

I followed her down the corridor, catching a glimpse of everything as I walked past. The canteen was the first part I walked past and as the door swung open, I smelt the cooked food. The next part I passed as we turned a corner was the seating area. The area was formed with different coloured chairs and tables which were already filling up with students. I spotted the television screens on the wall as ‘University of Kenneth News’ was flashing on the screens.

Here. The blonde girl stopped as she held the door open for me and pointed at another door. In there.

"Thank you. You were such good company," I said sarcastically as I pushed the wide, grey door open.

The smile on my face dropped as I stared at the room full of students. I quickly looked at the clock on the wall. 9.10. I was only ten minutes late and already the lecture room was packed.

I wouldn’t want to be her right now.

My eyes diverted to the direction of this voice as I walked up the steps to the empty back row. I didn’t spot anyone talking as all eyes were back on the man standing at the front of the room.

Right I think that might be the last of the late comers.

My heart continued to beat faster, knowing that comment was intended for me and everyone else in the room knew it too.

There is a register going round so make sure you all sign in your own names. He turned towards the laptop which was placed on the stand in front of him and was projecting his presentation slides onto the bigger screen. Welcome all….

The door was swung open again and a bunch of students entered, still talking to each other. The tutor glared at them as they walked up the steps and straight to where I was sat. I got up, taking my bag with me as I moved down the row of seats, enabling them all to sit down.

Thank you, whispered the guy as he sat down next to me.

In the few seconds that I looked at him as I smiled back, gave me some time to take in his amazing, hazel eyes. Maybe starting University wasn’t such a bad idea.

What’s your name?

I stared back at him, not expecting him to actually talk to me.

Chloe, I whispered back, keeping an eye on the tutor as he continued with his presentation.

I’m Dan Pierce. So did you come to Fresher’s week?

No, didn’t see a point of coming in just to be introduced and do random activities.

He sniggered, his face lighting up and for some reason I smiled at him for longer than I should have.

I thought so. I would have remembered your face.

I was taken aback by his comment but at the same time I felt flattered. I have had compliments before but haven’t received them from someone who was oozing with perfection. My cheeks had turned red and I looked towards the tutor to conceal the happy child inside me. It was like being in High school again where shying away from your crush was normal.

The sudden silence that rippled through the room disrupted my thoughts and my focus returned to the room.

The class numbers are displayed on the board. Find your name and you will find your room number. The tutor scanned the room, smiling at everyone. Your three years begin now and trust me it will be stressful but it will be a rewarding and incredible journey. Good luck!

Students started to exit the room, causing queues on the steps that led to the door. I took a deep breath, thinking about the three years ahead of me and noticed that Dan was standing up.

I will definitely be seeing you again. He winked at me as he joined the moving crowd with his friends, who he must have met in Fresher’s week.

I watched the crowd descend down the steps more quickly now and decided to make my way out. As I made my way down the steps, the second lie that I had told today spiralled round in my thoughts. The first was to my dad when I told him I was fine starting University and the second one was to Dan. I did want to be introduced to other students and take part in the random activities but I was house bound.

When my dad’s sister, Ruby came to stay over for those last few months I officially became the house maid. I hated waking up at the same time every day and doing the same things but I had no choice. She had come round to help my dad overcome his depression which he had denied he had for a long time. However, this year she changed his mind and got him to see a Psychologist. I could have gone with him as moral support but my aunt was embarrassed that I would collapse and had refused to let me go, which I made sure my dad knew nothing about.

Why did she do this? One she was embarrassed to be with me and two she blamed me for ruining her brother’s life by taking away his childhood sweetheart. I was a murderer in her eyes and being house bound, when she came round, was my punishment. A punishment I thought I rightly deserved.

Chloe Redding?

I looked up; disposing of my negative thoughts as I made my way to the classroom I was assigned.

Yes. I stared at this woman, who looked about forty, watching me as I approached her by the door.

Did you get lost dear? she asked, looking down at the paper in her hand and putting on her white rimmed glasses with the other.

Yes, I think I must have taken a few wrong turns. The third lie of the day slipping from my tongue.

Oh darling. She placed her hand round me like I needed her support and looked down at the paper again.

I knew exactly what she was reading on that paper and it made me furious that she was already treating me like an invalid. You’re the student with the illn-

Oh no I think you have got the wrong girl.

Her grasp on the door handle loosened, enabling me to look away from her as she scanned the paper again. I looked towards the students who were already in the room. They were sat in groups, talking to each other and getting introduced. As I continued to scan the room I spotted a single table positioned in front of the tutor’s desk. That table was definitely for me. I couldn’t start off on that table so I told my fourth lie.

But it says here… She showed me the paper. Chloe Redding-Medical.

Well they must have got the wrong person.

Oh my mistake. I must look into that.

I smiled as she opened the door for me, feeling relieved that I wasn’t an outcaste on my first day. At least now I had a bit more time to pretend that I was Chloe Redding without the label. I walked straight over to a group of tables at the back of the room, next to the window.

I knew I would be seeing you again.

Chapter Three

Dan moved from his chair, letting me sit down next to him and I smiled at him. He was good looking and a gentleman. Things were looking optimistic.

Hello everybody, I am Mrs Aldine Clover. You can refer to me as Aldine. Her wrinkles creased around her eyes as she grinned at us. This class will be held at 10 am, every Monday. It will be a session for all of you to talk about work, goals, problems and any other things you may face here. She clasped her hands together. I think we will start off with some ice breaker activities. So first introduce yourselves to the members on your table and then we will do it as a class.

She seemed to be a very happy person as she walked around the room, stopping at tables at the front and listening to them.

We kind of already know each other, said Dan as he looked at me. But I’ll introduce you to the rest of my crazy flat-mates.

You all live together? I asked, jealously eluding from me as they had all established their friendship.

Yeah we live in the flats just opposite the Uni, replied a girl with shocking jet black, wavy hair. I’m Melissa. She waved at me and smiled genuinely.

I’m John, said the guy sitting next to her, who had astonishing green eyes that I couldn’t help but stare at. He must have noticed as he smiled at me awkwardly and introduced the guy and girl opposite him. That’s Ben and that’s Amy.

Ben had the biggest smile on his face which made me turn away to look at Amy. Amy was quiet as she didn’t say anything and instead curled the purple streak of her hair around her finger. I absorbed each of their striking features as I knew that if I was to collapse right now, I would remember them by a certain feature.

This is Chloe.

Thanks Dan but I’m sure she can speak for herself, said Melissa, causing everyone on the table to laugh except for Amy. She looked away from me and fixed her eyes on the silver ring she was wearing on her right hand.

So are you from here?

I nodded as my mind was deteriorating the words I had just heard from Melissa. Suddenly, a sharp pain pushed against my head and I grabbed onto the corner of the table to steady myself. This was not happening, not now. I cleared my throat and forced myself to reply to her question, trying to block the pain in my head. Rather be living out though. It must…be…

My hands became attracted to my head