Anxiety in Relationship: How to Overcome Anxiety, Increase Security, Manage Attachment, and Save Your Marriage

Anxiety in Relationship

How to Overcome Anxiety, Increase Security, Manage Attachment, and Save Your Marriage

Kate Homily

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Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: How to Use this Book

Chapter 2: What Is Relationship Anxiety?

Common Questions Regarding Relationship Anxiety

Dealing with Your Relationship Anxiety

Chapter 3: Are Doubts Normal in a Relationship?

Long-Term Impacts

What to Remember

Chapter 4: What Causes Anxiety and Insecurity in a Relationship?

The Root of the Problem

Previous Relationships

Low Self-Esteem

Attachment Style

Loss of Trust

Misunderstanding

Tendency to Question

Chapter 5: What Are the Main Reasons for Conflicts between Couples?

Religion

Dominance

Child Bearing

Poor Communication

Materialistic Difficulties

Perception

Values

Work-Related Stress

Unwritten Rules

Behavior

Chapter 6: How to Understand Your Partner and Master the Conflicts in Your Relationship

Understanding Each Other

Resolving Issues Together

Chapter 7: Recognizing Irrational Behaviors that Trigger Anxiety and Insecurity

Examples

When Your Partner Doesn’t Immediately Reply to Your Text

When Your Partner Can’t Spend Time with You

When Your Partner Receives a Call or Text

When Your Partner Appears to Be Distant

When Your Partner Takes Jokes Too Far

When Your Partner Won’t Propose to You

Chapter 8: How Do You Stop Being Anxious and Insecure in a Relationship?

Strategies and Exercises

Chapter 9: How to Use Your Relationship Anxiety to Grow

Establish a Deeper Connection

Spend Quality Time Together

Go the Extra Mile

Learn about the Warning System

Chapter 10: Improving Self-Awareness and Self-Passion with Anxiety in a Relationship

Accept that Anxiety is Common

Practice Mindfulness

Seek Outlets for Your Thoughts

Fall in Love with Yourself

Understand External Influences

Work on Self-Care

Rewire Your Brain

Conclusion

References

Chapter 1: What Happens to Love After We Are in a Relationship?

Keeping the Flame Lit

How to Handle Conflict

Chapter 2: How to Build Love and Avoid Betrayal in a Relationship

Love Languages

Power Struggles

Openness

Chapter 3: The Love He/She Desires Most

Acting on Love Languages

The Importance of Respect

Chapter 4: The Secret to Loving Your Spouse Effectively

Discover Key Issues

How to Avoid Negativity

Conflict-Resolution Skills

Chapter 5: The Secret to Unconditional Love That Couples Need, Yet Few Find

Navigating Your Differences

Let Go of the Past

Develop Fun and Laughter

Chapter 6: What Trust Really Means in Your Relationship

Why Trust Is Important

Cheating

Restoring Trust

Chapter 7: Trust — Essential and Fundamental to Any Relationship

Staying True to You

How to Be Gentle and Patient

Chapter 8: The Secret to Actions that Will Grow Trust in Your Relationship

Make an Action Plan

Come to an Agreement

Chapter 9: How to Regain Trust in a Relationship That Is Falling Apart

Recognize Emotional Disconnect

Drop the Excuses

Identify Chain Reactions

Chapter 10: The Long-Term Benefits of Rebuilding Lost Trust in Your Relationship

Re-Establishing Your Connection

What You Will Learn

Long-Term vs. Short-Term

Conclusion

References

Chapter 1: Attachment Styles: Where Do You Fall on the Spectrum?

Attachment: A Brief History

The Four Attachment Styles

Attachment Styles and Relationships

Chapter 2: An Overview of Attachment Through Different Life Stages

Attachment in Infancy and Childhood

Attachment Styles: Factors That Influence Your Kids

Attachment in Adolescence and Young Adulthood

Mid-Life Attachment

Attachment in Later Life

Chapter 3: Getting Started With Some Self-Awareness: Emotionally Focused Family Therapy Techniques

What Is Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT)?

Stages and Steps of EFFT

Ways to Classify and Identify Attachment Styles

Core Interventions and EFFT Exercises

Finding an EFFT Therapist

Chapter 4: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Self-Improvement

What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?

How CBT Is Used to Treat Anxiety and Depression Disorders

CBT: The Process

Common Types of Cognitive Distortions Based on Your Attachment Style

Self-Improvement Practices and Exercises

Chapter 5: Finding Happiness in Your Single Life

Your Attachment Style and Your Confidence

What You Want From a Relationship, You Want From Yourself

Challenges to Overcome

Singlehood Models

How to Become Single, Secure, and Happy

Chapter 6: Strategies to Build Stronger, More Meaningful Relationships

Key Concepts in Promoting a Secure Attachment

Healing From Trauma Through Emotionally Corrective Relationships

Attachment Style Interactions and Their Relationship Challenges

Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship

Chapter 7: Long-Term Relationship Happiness: What’s the Secret?

Your Emotional Intelligence

Strengthen Your Communication Skills

Healing Your Trauma and Moving Towards Secure Attachment

Compromise

Privacy and Personal Time

Be Open and Honest About Difficult Questions

Spontaneity and Doing Fun Things Together

The Importance of Touch and Physical Intimacy

Don’t Try to Change Each Other, Respect Your Differences

Cultivate Patience and Respect

Know When It’s Time to Get Out

Conclusion

Thinking, Feeling, and Doing

Finding, Fixing, and Healing

References

Image References

Book 1: The Perfect Relationship Anxiety Workbook for Married Couples

Introduction

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she became a butterfly. -Barbara Haines Howett

It is the root of many issues. Anxiety can be difficult to manage on a daily basis. As you try to navigate your feelings, you have likely become entirely overwhelmed, even when things are seemingly okay. This is the way that anxiety can be so powerful, convincing you that you aren’t capable of living your life. All of the feelings that anxiety brings forward are heightened when you are in a relationship. Not only are you dealing with your own personal struggles, but you also have to make sure that they do not impact your marriage. In worrying about how you are treating your partner, this can create even more anxiety for you to deal with. The good news is that anxiety can be easily resolved once it is identified.

No matter where your anxiety stems from, you need to realize that you deserve to live in peace. Having a stable and happy marriage is one of the many positive things that you are likely aiming for in your life. This might be easier said than done. If you have been struggling with anxiety for a while, getting into a better mindset is going to be a worthwhile challenge for you. Relationship anxiety can appear during any stage of a relationship; no matter how great things have been going. What you need to avoid is placing the blame on yourself or on your partner. Because this happens naturally, the only thing you should be focusing on is how to fix it.

Many different thoughts have likely passed through your head as you have been dealing with your relationship anxiety. You might be wondering if you are good enough for your partner or if they truly care about you. Deep down, you also might know the answers to these questions, yet your anxiety won’t let you believe them. This can become a battle between what you know is right and how your anxiety is trying to mislead you. Your whole focus will eventually turn to you soothing the anxiety instead of devoting your time to your marriage. As you can imagine, this is something that can really wear you down after a while.

Studies have shown that nearly 40 million people suffer from anxiety on a daily basis; 20% of this group feeling anxiety toward their partners. This is a very big statistic, so if you find that you are a part of it, know that you are not alone.

With the help of this guide, you will learn how to confront your anxiety head-on. Instead of feeling that it is controlling you and your marriage, you will understand how to cope with it to preserve your relationship. Knowing that you deserve to live a life that is free of worry, the techniques that you will learn will help you feel that you can handle your anxiety.

My name is Kate Homily, and I am a relationship therapist. With over 18 years of experience, I have seen many cases of relationship anxiety. At one point in my life, I even experienced it for myself. It was a battle for me to overcome, but I made it out on the other side. Through my wisdom, I hope to teach others how they can do the same thing.

Today, I am a happily married mother of three with two rambunctious puppies. It took a lot of hard work to get here, but I now know exactly what it takes to create harmony in my life and marriage. I no longer spend my days worrying about the what-ifs or that my life could fall apart. Instead, I have the time to enjoy all of my blessings and remain thankful for everything that I’ve accomplished.

Chapter 1: How to Use this Book

This book will help you by teaching you more about relationship anxiety. Once you are able to better understand it, you will be able to come up with solutions that truly work for your life. This kind of anxiety can be very hard to deal with because it impacts the closest relationship that you have in your life — your relationship with your spouse. You should be able to share your most personal moments with your spouse while being the truest version of yourself. This level of openness is what makes for a fantastic marriage. Even if you are not yet married to your significant other, this book touches on topics that will likely apply to you if you are in a serious relationship.

The topics that are covered in this book are going to apply to women who are struggling with their anxiety levels to the point where it begins to impact their existing relationship. Though the book is geared toward the woman’s point of view, it can still be very beneficial for the man to read as well. Relationship anxiety does not discriminate, so you must make sure that you are taking a look at the bigger picture as you evaluate your relationship. Try not to make any judgments as you examine your relationship for these flaws. Know that once you find them, you are going to fix them to make your relationship great and healthy.

You should feel hopeful and ready for the changes that are to come. While any change can be scary, know that a change in your relationship is going to have one goal — to strengthen and improve your bond. As a couple, it can become very easy to mix your lives and your personality traits, forgetting that you are actually both individuals. While marriage is a union, you must remember that you are two separate parts of this union. You have your own feelings, worries, goals, and interests. Do not allow yourself to become so invested in your marriage that you begin to lose sight of who you are as a person. This can be a way that you will trigger your relationship anxiety.

By mastering all of the concepts that you will learn, you should be able to successfully resolve all of your doubts. Any worries that have developed over time will be put to rest. The things that cause you to feel unsure in your relationship will be broken down into ways that allow you to process them for what they truly are. No one else can put you at ease in your relationship except for yourself. Many people make the mistake of relying on their spouse to do this for them, but that is only part of how you will obtain security in your relationship. Your partner should make you feel stable, but you must also feel stable in your own right.

Brushing off these anxiety issues that you are dealing with is never the answer. When you suppress these feelings, they are only going to return in full force at a later date. It isn’t fun to live your life this way, never knowing when your anxiety is going to make another appearance. For this reason, utilizing real methods that work to put these feelings to rest will help you overcome them. You aren’t going to be pushing them aside for later. The work that you do will actually eliminate the anxiety and provide you with helpful methods for keeping it away. When you know how to soothe yourself, you will be much better at staying calm no matter what happens. Before you even begin working on these issues, you must tell yourself that you want to work on them.

Being open with your partner is a must. If you cannot talk to your partner about the anxiety that you are feeling, then they are going to be confused when you start treating them differently. This can be a big downfall of any marriage because it leaves your partner feeling like they did something wrong. Plenty of times, the anxiety is not even directly related to something that your partner did recently or has done in the past. It stems from an insecurity that you feel inside of yourself. You must understand that you need to get your own negative thoughts under control before you allow them to become a regular part of your relationship dynamic.

The best way to start this conversation is just by being honest. This book aims to help you stay true to yourself. With the techniques that you will learn, you will have a renewed sense of confidence. If you ever have any doubts about how to deal with your anxiety, you can turn to this book for different tips that you can try. The same methods that work for other people won’t necessarily work for you and your relationship, but healing from your anxiety does tend to involve a little bit of trial and error. As long as you are willing and committed to the cause, then you should have the confidence to know that you can break through all of your doubts and live your life with the healthiest relationship possible.

Marriage does take a lot of work, but it is all for a worthy cause. Those who are not willing to acknowledge their marital problems end up living with unhappy marriages that will eventually fall apart. If you want to have the strongest marriage possible, you need to be willing to put in this work. Remind yourself why you are working so hard and what your desired end result is going to be. From this point forward, you do not need to be fearful of your anxiety. You can be comfortable and happy knowing that your anxiety will remain under control, leaving only room for you and your partner to grow happily together.

By becoming more educated on the topic, you will be able to feel more hopeful. Being able to read about the actual causes of your anxiety will allow you to see that it is not all in your head; your thoughts and feelings are valid. With a sense of understanding, you and your partner are going to be able to address the roots of these issues. You will no longer be arguing about the same things because you will be able to find solutions to these problems. Without all of the stress that you were once holding onto, you will see how your anxiety will start to fade away. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that you have what it takes to keep yourself and your partner happy.

Chapter 2: What Is Relationship Anxiety?

At any point during your relationship, you can be subject to anxiety. While it is more common for this anxiety to form in the beginning stages, it does not discriminate. Sometimes, the anxiety can be triggered by certain events or experiences that the two of you have as a couple. No matter where it comes from, you need to be able to pinpoint it so that you can address it. As you know, anxiety that is left untreated can manifest into bigger problems and put a lot of strain onto your relationship. When you are both stressed out, you are more likely to argue and feel that you are not on the same page. This can be very discouraging, especially in marriage. When you want to feel unity, yet you feel like you don’t understand one another, this can cause you to second guess your relationship.

It is difficult to narrow down the exact cause for relationship anxiety. Some believe that there is an event that triggers the anxiety, while others believe that it is a combination of factors that lead up to a breaking point. No matter how it forms, being able to recognize that you are acting on your anxious thoughts is important. You might realize that you are secretly questioning your partner’s intentions even when they have not given you a reason to. You might also start feeling that you are not good enough for your partner, although nothing has actually changed that would lead you to believe this is true. Anxiety can be powerful enough to make you think that there are all of these problems in your relationship when there might not be any problems at all.

For some, relationship anxiety sets in because of the experiences that you’ve had in the past. If you have ever been in a manipulative or abusive relationship, it is natural to be fearful that your present/future relationships will also be the same. That is a lot of psychological damage for one person to endure, so getting out of that mindset is going to be very difficult. If this situation applies to your life, know that it is not your fault. If anyone has ever treated you less than you deserved, that is merely a reflection of their own character. One of the most common mistakes made is the internalization of the bad things that others have done to us. If you accept these things and hold them inside, your subconscious is always going to return to them.

Remind yourself why you and your spouse got together. Think about how things were the first time you met and when you first started dating. This spark is the reason you decided to get married. While relationships naturally become less exciting as time goes on, those people who fell in love are still the same people. That natural chemistry should still exist, even when the honeymoon stage comes to an end. By reminding yourself of all the qualities that you fell in love with when you met your partner, you should also realize that they feel in love with your qualities too. These little things can often bring you back to that feeling of how it was when you first got together.

Common Questions Regarding Relationship Anxiety

Having doubts is normal with anything that you do in life. Being able to recognize that you might be making the wrong decision can be a very humbling experience. On the other hand, it can show you that you know what is best for you. Having the confidence and the ability to make choices is necessary if you want to really get the most out of your life. The person that you have picked to spend the rest of your life with is a very big decision to make. For this reason, anxiety can start to show up over time as you truly get to know the other person. We all have our flaws, and we are usually only comfortable showing them to our partners after we have been together for some time. At this point in any relationship, it should mean that you both feel comfortable enough to be your true selves. This means that all of your personality traits will be seen, flaws and all.

Your flaws make you human; you can learn from them. We all have things that we need to work on in life, but that doesn’t mean that we are unlovable or hard to be with. Your spouse should accept you, even despite these flaws. Their love should remain unconditional. As long as you can work on the things that you have to work on about yourself, then there should be no reason why your spouse wouldn’t be willing to accept you for who you are. The following are some typical questions that tend to arise as you begin to develop relationship anxiety. If you have ever thought about these things or even asked your spouse these things, you should be able to identify that you do have anxiety in your relationship.

Are we actually right for one another?

Does my partner love me?

Are we moving too fast?

Are they losing interest in me?

Am I ready for this commitment?

All of these questions are fueled by doubt. While you might have seemingly real reasons to ask these questions, try to think about what is causing the insecurity. When you are in a healthy relationship, you should know exactly how your partner feels about you. Both of you should be on the same page when it comes to the stage of your relationship and how comfortable you are with one another. Any commitments that were made have been made on a mutual level. A marriage can start out this way, yet you might still begin to have certain doubts creep into your mind over time. This is normal, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have ever thought about any of the above questions or anything similar, you are not alone.

These questions tend to come up because you have had a moment of doubt. As you know, doubt can be a common feeling for any big life decision. Taking the time to consider if you are making the right choice shows how important it is to you. What you need to be sure of is that you aren’t being fueled by doubt. When you develop relationship anxiety, you have likely been experiencing doubts for a while now. It becomes detrimental to your life and your relationship when you allow yourself to become consumed by it. A relationship that has an underlying tone of doubt is always going to be tense. You might be very defensive over certain things, and your partner might not even know why.

It is important that you get your triggers under control. By learning about the roots of your issues, you should be able to have a better understanding of why you are feeling the way that you do. Think about what caused you to get to this point and try your best to be honest with yourself. When you hold back, you might end up taking your worries out on your partner. This is never a good experience in a relationship because it is only going to create an added source of stress. When you are dealing with relationship anxiety, you will become more focused on these worries than actually being a caring partner. All of your priorities will shift until the anxiety is all that you can think about. Imaginably, this is a very difficult way to live. It will also end up impacting your partner in a negative way.

Dealing with Your Relationship Anxiety

To manage the anxiety that you feel in your relationship, you must take accountability for your actions. When you can recognize that you are acting out of insecurity, take a moment to listen to your inner voice. Do you talk to yourself with respect, or are you being too hard on yourself? The way that you communicate with your subconscious can make a very big impact on the way that you are going to take action. When you are acting out of fear or insecurity, you might make some decisions that you wouldn’t normally make if you were thinking clearly. Any time that you begin to feel your anxiety, take a few deep breaths. Breathing is super important when you are dealing with anything stressful. It regulates your body and your mind, allowing you to focus on what is most important.

Once you