Panics

PREFACE

Barbara Molinard lives in a large house in the countryside. She’s there alone twelve hours a day. She’s been writing for eight years.

What we’ve collected in this book represents a very small portion—maybe a hundredth—of what Barbara has written over these eight years. The rest was destroyed.

Barbara writes. And she tears to shreds. She continues, she writes. And the other person, whom she refers to (for the past few months now) as her enemy, tears up what she’s written.

EVERYTHING BARBARA MOLINARD HAS WRITTEN HAS BEEN TORN TO SHREDS.

The texts that follow were also torn to shreds. They were put back together, torn up again, put back together again. How many times? Even she doesn’t know. As many times as NECESSARY, which is to say until she was in agony, until meaning was plunged back into the absolute night of its source, the mother of suffering.

Barbara tears to shreds just as carefully as she writes, according to a method. Each page is ripped into four pieces. Those pieces piled up form a whole. That whole, those piles—intermediaries—between the ashes and the page, remain on her table, before her eyes, for a certain amount of time. Then into the fire, I believe.

Once, Barbara wrote the entire day for five weeks straight—on vacation, at a hotel—then destroyed everything as usual and didn’t remember a thing. Those absolute losses are relatively numerous.

Before this collection came together, her suffering reached its peak when the need to destroy swooped down on Barbara and she struggled against herself, with all her might—for then, having OBEYED, she could rest. It’s thanks to this rest that she was able to start again and then to hope, to escape from the enemy, from the murderer who, every day, inspected her desk and assassinated everything.

That rest, that hope, in fact merely gave her a new opportunity to destroy. This lasted eight years.

For eight years, her husband and I have countered Barbara’s enemy with the vulgarity of life. We are not unaware of the violence we did by begging her—regularly—to SEPARATE herself from her texts, to put them out of reach of her enemy, for example, at a publishing house. She, even as her body rebelled, called for something new. The infernal cycle of her suffering had to change. Suffering endures and will endure. But it will strike elsewhere, and it’s this novelty that Barbara used to her advantage.

She agreed. She handed over the texts.

I knew, because I had read them—previously—that there were still more texts she hadn’t handed over. I insisted. She refused. This went on for several months. It was just before publication that suddenly she brought them, the following four texts: Come, The Father’s Apartment, The Bed, The Sponge. Those four texts Barbara WITHHELD are not fundamentally different than the texts Barbara RELINQUISHED. But the enemy had to have its lifeblood and no doubt they were kept to be offered up as sacrifice.

As for the text titled The Vault, Barbara had renounced writing it—after several attempts—and so we tried to reconstruct the plot together. We did so in a single session, without any issues. This ACCOUNT had to be written down, if only to hoist it beyond the inexpressible.

Barbara dreams of a house other than the one she has. The house exists, she says; she can describe it. It’s an enclosed tower that gets no light except during days of suffering. In that tower she would live alone and no one would come looking for her. She feels her actual house is too open, too exposed to others.

In that tower she would write.

What readers will find here is neither invented nor dreamed. It’s a record of lived experience. Writing is a part of that. Writing is lived. It is a step in the walk of suffering. Without it, the constant suffering would not have been bearable. Of that I am sure.

Sometimes Barbara finds herself terrified, out of nowhere, in the street, by a face, a face that no one else seems to notice. The resulting affliction can last days. The shock can be so unbearable that she flees. She flees with the face she saw, she brings it back home with her. There, she stares at it. She stares at it until she has confirmed the intolerable nature of all life.

Other times Barbara sees a negated face. And then what she brings home with her is the desperation to replace it with a lively face. In the remarkable coherence of the general incoherence, suffering is the cement. Between the terrifying face and the nothing face, the cement is Barbara’s suffering.

The human race is flawed. The cities are flawed. The modes of transportation are all wrong: either you miss them or they don’t bring you where you want to go. A few confident people roam through this universe, never cured of their loving, their serving, their waiting.

—MARGUERITE DURAS

1969

THE PLANE FROM SANTA ROSA

Excuse me, sir, what time does the plane from Santa Rosa arrive? After consulting the schedule, the employee answered that the plane from Santa Rosa would land at 7:50 p.m. The woman also wanted to know what time the plane would take off from Santa Rosa, how many stops it would make, and the length of each one. The employee looked into it, made several phone calls, and once this information had been communicated, the woman then wanted to know how many passengers would be on the plane, if the weather forecast was good, and finally, if there was any reason to fear an accident. Growing impatient, the employee pointed out to her that there were other people waiting their turn, and that in any event, he wasn’t qualified to answer such questions. Slightly flustered, the woman excused herself with a smile, thanked him, and left.

Outside, she hesitated for a moment about which way to go. She decided to turn right, take the first street on the left, continue straight, and turn left again. She was surprised to find herself in front of her building. She went up to the third floor, took her key from her bag, turned it in the lock of the door on the left side of the landing, and entered her room: a bed on the right, next to the bed a small chair serving as a nightstand, a closet in the back, a few dresses on hangers, a coat, a sink, to the left a hot plate on a small table, a cabinet. Lazily she walked to the bed, sat down, let her legs hang, leaned against the wall, and remained perfectly still. This dead time when she returned home had become a part of her routine, waiting … waiting. Everything became muddled, impalpable, distant. It took a lot of willpower not to let herself be overtaken by that torpor. Most often, objects would get her back on task. The alarm clock, which she glanced at in passing, brought her back to reality. She reminded herself abruptly that she had no time to lose. She still had several things to do before the plane arrived; she had to hurry. In front of the mirror, she adjusted the hat she hadn’t taken off, brushed off her coat, and left, carefully locking the door behind her.

On the boulevard, she walked rapidly, like someone in a rush. From time to time, she’d stop in front of a store, hastily glance at the window, and immediately carry on again. She lingered in front of a particular storefront and, after a few moments of consideration, resolutely entered the store. She was greeted by an opulent and prickly salesclerk. The woman pointed to the dress in the window and asked to try it on. With hostility, the salesclerk removed the dress and handed it to the woman. After she had tried it on, the woman wanted to see others … and still others. But there was always something not quite right. The salesclerk was growing impatient, but still the woman continued, trying on dress after dress and seeming not to notice. Then, once she’d had enough, the salesclerk made a few disagreeable remarks. As if to excuse herself, the woman explained that she had an important dinner that very night … friends were arriving on the plane from Santa Rosa, and that was why the dress had to be just right … there was no time for alterations. The salesclerk gave an impertinent laugh at these explanations. Mildly disconcerted, the woman nevertheless tried on one or two more dresses before leaving the store empty-handed. The door slammed on her heels.

On the boulevard, she began walking quickly again, seemingly unaware of the rain that was starting to fall. After a brief inner struggle in front of a furrier, she entered the store. The person who greeted her, very familiar with her clientele, diagnosed right away that this woman was not a serious customer, but she couldn’t refuse to show her the pieces in the collection that she asked to see. As the furs passed over her shoulders, the woman’s back hunched more and more, as if weighed down by a heavy burden. The more furs she tried on, the more her back hunched, imperceptibly. The woman felt an enormous surge of fatigue that pushed her to the brink of vertigo. She wished she could admit defeat, put an end to it all, but she continued to try on the furs, one after another, stubborn. It seemed out of her control to stop what had become a nightmarish scene. It might have lasted until she collapsed from exhaustion if the salesclerk, concerned about the large drops of sweat she saw beading on the woman’s face, had not asked her to rest for a moment. As she was walked to the door, the woman feebly tried to explain Santa Rosa … the plane … her friends … the dinner …

On the boulevard, she headed toward a bench, there, just opposite, and sat down in a stupor. A beggar, a sort of vagabond, took a seat next to her, so close that their elbows touched. The man carefully opened a greasy old newspaper on his knees and started to rummage through some food scraps; he tore off the last clinging bits of meat from a bone with evident delight. The woman’s eyes automatically went from the remnants of food in the newspaper to the man’s face. In her mind’s great confusion, she felt vaguely envious of him.

Then, her mind blank, she