Lead with Love

Introduction

As we look across the historical landscape of our communities, our county, and the globe, there is no shortage of great leaders who have set examples for us to carry forth. The greatest leaders among us have always cast a vision of hope and called us to action. They ask us to take charge in making our corners of the world just a bit better and they stand on a platform of deep conviction and purpose. They are driven to inspire their view of a better world into existence.

The greatest leaders are not the ones who pretend to be perfect but those who walk in genuine humility while willing to do the hard work, lead by example, and who give of themselves to enrich the lives of others. Whether in family, business, politics, or in our public institutions, the impact leaders make is crucial to the well-being of our organizations and communities. A leader’s ability to live out their mission, to establish the right culture and climate, to create effective systems and efficiencies, and to design for success is often the linchpin for organizational effectiveness.

Many of us have had the experience of working with, or for, leaders who lack savvy in leading and influencing others. At times you may have felt the sting of a leader who lacks organizational skill, a sense of direction, clear expectations, or has an inability to connect and/or relate to others. Further, you may have had the unfortunate experience of being impacted by a leader who lacks integrity or a moral aptitude and asks you to do as they say but not as they do. Unfortunately, we observe these types of traits and characteristics all too often in our politicians, our business leaders, and the people we entrust with our communities.

While there are plenty of poor leadership examples in our current cultural climate, there are also many great examples. These examples have been studied and researched, allowing us to extract their nutrients for our own growth and positioning us to exemplify great leadership in our own spheres of influence. There needs to be a call to action whereby we seek to promote leadership that is high minded and effective, which also serves to create goodness, completeness, and connectedness among us. We need leaders who are personally healthy, socially in tune, emotionally astute, and who display a deep sense of meaning, purpose, and self-awareness in their work. Let there be no mistake: Leaders like this exist everywhere. They lead their families, they serve in their churches, they lead in the boardroom, and they coach winning teams. It is time for us to elevate and emulate leaders who serve, who develop others, who are driven, and who succeed from a place of personal strength, mindfulness, and dedication to both loving themselves and others.

The goal of this book is simple: create better leaders by supporting personal health and well-being, empowering them to bring their internal strength to their seat of leadership. The objective is to share the research around personal and organizational well-being while sharing examples of quality leadership that are steeped in love of self and others.

In nearly every major religion, there is one basic principle: to love your neighbor, no matter their background, as you are to love yourself. This book is dedicated to that principle. As leaders, we are responsible for those with whom we have been entrusted, and we are also responsible for living our best lives by creating the best possible model of ourselves. As models, it is imperative that we take ownership in constructing ourselves for ourselves, but also design ourselves so as to provide great value to others and our organizations.

The adage you can’t pour from an empty vessel should remind us that as leaders our cups must be full. We need to have designed ourselves to be individuals who step into the arena as whole and complete. We must be individuals who are in a state of peace and contentment, who have created the right environments in our own lives to support our happiness and growth for the purpose of then being able to pour ourselves out onto our families, our colleagues and those we lead. When our vessels are full, we are able to bring a positive energy and spirit to our work that is contagious and resonant. When we lead from a place of energy, positivity, and enthusiasm, our ability to impact others will resonate, and our light will shine on others. Research in the field of positive psychology will attest, happy people are more effective. Success does not breed happiness; rather, happiness breeds success.¹ When our vessels are full, we will have a greater impact in building and sustaining those we lead.

I want to pause here and add to the basic premise of this book: Effective organizations embody high engagement, a strong sense of collaboration, ownership among members, and provide autonomy and agency to the people in the organization.² Leaders who support such environments recognize that in order to do so they must be willing to give of themselves for those in the organization. An authoritative, top-down approach, which may be effective for a time, will not provide the love and care needed to support a sustainable and effective organizational environment. Not to mention, authoritarianism does not provide the lifeblood for allowing others to prosper and give back to the mission of the organization. Therefore, if we want to lead from a place of love, we have to be complete individuals who recognize the need to give to others, develop others, and create the right emotional climate for others to thrive and flourish. Too often leaders will overlook the importance of creating an environment that allows employees to flourish. This book is written to promote personal well-being for the purpose of creating leaders who will support organizational environments of collaboration, engagement, and personal agency.

Jim Collins, in his best-selling book Good to Great, explains that successful leaders are highly motivated and driven while displaying a sense of personal humility. They put the organization before themselves in order to achieve the purpose and mission of the organization³. On the contrary, for many, leadership is about personal success and using others to promote themselves and their personal agendas. We see this play out all too often in our businesses, schools, and political arena. Politicians and elected officials use their political office for personal and monetary gain while leaving their moral principles at the door. In business around the United States, we see countless examples of theft and corruption in which people in authority disgrace the trust they have been given and serve to damage people and organizations for their own selfish gain. Further, we have witnessed countless cover ups and secrecy from the highest-ranking officials in some of our religious institutions. Our religious leaders have attempted to sweep atrocities under the rug to avoid their own personal and organizational humiliation. Even in our places of worship, which are supposed to provide a moral foundation for our communities, do we see a lack of love and care for people and the ones they are intended to serve. And while these examples of selfishness and moral degradation exist, this is a call for hope, service, humility, and love in every seat of leadership in every church, school, and business.

It is important that the golden rule is still the rule in today’s organization and that as leaders we approach our work with a high sense of morality, integrity, and, yes, love for people. Leaders need to step into the arena with the intent of creating better lives for the people they employ and for the customers they serve.

No matter the arena, we have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to serve to make the lives of others better. Twenty years ago, when I taught in our public schools, my mission was simple: create an environment to help kids become a better version of themselves. Today my mission isn’t much different. I still seek to create environments that allow people to make themselves better. My practice may be a bit more skilled, and experiences may have changed me, but after over two decades of research and leadership experience, I know that when we set up an environment founded in love, we create an environment in which people thrive and flourish. Leading with love is about loving yourself and developing yourself for the purpose of loving and developing others to, in turn, create better lives and organizations.

After twenty-two years in education, I am inspired to teach, to grow, to learn, and to be an open source for those of us who are driven to lead with purpose, compassion, and for the greater good of our neighbors. My work in education has afforded me the opportunity to research, to coach, and to lead with genuine compassion. I have led countless teams, driven a multitude of educational initiatives, coached teachers to lead, served communities, driven strategic plans, and have always sought to lead from the seat I was in with mindfulness and effectiveness. I have and will continue to be driven to create an environment for my employees that allows them to come to work highly motivated and leave at the end of the day with a sense of fulfillment.

I am excited to share Lead with Love with those who take up their torch every day, not only for themselves but also for those they lead. This work is grounded in research related to leadership, positive psychology, organizational change, and organizational psychology. I am inspired to share a perspective of leadership that is grounded in the most powerful and inspirational source that exists for human beings: love. Love is the greatest source of kindness, compassion, care, and commitment, and it is the foundation of nearly all modern spiritual belief systems. And while this book is not intended to be a religious experience, it is intended to reach the core of our humanity and explore leadership topics through the lens of love for self and others.

As we dig deeper into this journey together, know this experience is designed to promote personal growth and love of self in order to bring our best selves to the office, the home, or to our communities. The premise is that when we lead from a place of wholeness and high-mindedness we are better able to serve, to build, and to get it done.

This book is intended to cover both personal and organizational well-being in a simple manner that allows each person to be able to apply the concepts to their own person, story, and leadership position. This book is designed to be easily understood and transferable to all arenas. I believe that keeping things simple allows us to execute more effectively and this book intends to carry out that belief.

No joy can equal the joy of serving others.

—Sai Baba

Part I

In part I, we will look at the importance of purpose and meaning in our lives and how that impacts our mindset for leadership. We will examine the importance of servant minded leadership and ways in which we contribute to the lives of others. We will explore the regular habits and routines that support our own personal well-being and what it means to be intentional about our own fulfillment.

Part II

Part II will focus on employee engagement, creating purpose, and developing meaning for the people we lead and our organization. We will cover the importance of creating strong teams and look at the ingredients for motivating our teammates. Part II will explain the elements of organizational well-being that foster greater personal and physiological connections within an organization. Finally, part II will conclude with the importance of adult learning and mentorship, and the importance of investing in those we lead.

Part III

In part III, we will look to take a systems approach to caring for our organizations. Being systematic and intentional about how, and who, we hire is a game changer in creating an excellent team and organization. Further, we will dive into developing strong teams who have the right tools to execute and hit their targets. Finally, we will leap into taking an aerial view of our teams and organizations to manage and leverage change.

As Sai Baba states above: No joy can equal the joy of serving others. Serving others is not always easy. Investing in our own lives and the lives of others is hard, it is challenging, but it will bring joy and fulfillment to our lives. Please know that Lead with Love is not a fragile approach to being a leader. Rather, Lead with Love is tough, takes personal determination, drive, and a heightened sense of intentional focus. When we lead with love, we take the steps to strengthen ourselves, those we lead, and the organizations we care for. When we lead with love, we are doing the hard work to make our corners of the universe a better place for our neighbors and ourselves.

PART I

Loving and Caring for Ourselves

Chapter

Living Your Purpose

Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.

—Buddha

As humans, we are complex and dynamic beings who are continuously growing and developing throughout our lifetimes. Our road to maturation takes longer than any other living animal, and we are completely dependent on one another in ways that are far beyond just our basic needs. With such deep interconnectedness and dependence on one another it is important that we care for ourselves in order to bring our best selves to others and the larger community. We each play an integral role in strengthening our society and we must be sure to take responsibility for our personal health and well-being.

You’ll notice when flying a commercial airline all flights start with the flight crew walking us through the safety procedures, which include how to manage the loss of cabin pressure. The directions always incorporate putting your oxygen mask on first! Why? Because you have to be able to care for yourself before you can begin helping others. The same is true in life, in our homes, in our schools, in our businesses and in our communities. We need to put our mask on first. If we expect to lead without taking care of ourselves first, we are not going to be able to support those who need us and who rely on us for support. If we are trying to lead without first loving ourselves, we may be operating without our oxygen masks.

Recently, I was leading a five-person team designed to support the teaching and learning of close to three thousand students. We were a team with a lot of demands, and we were expected to accomplish more than we were probably resourced to execute; however, we fired on nearly all cylinders, and we were knowledgeable, efficient, and top performers on many accounts. As a team of highly skilled and highly willed performers, we were accustomed to the long hours and heavy demands. But after driving so hard for so long we recognized that we needed to take some significant time for self-care, or our team would burn out. As a team, we were dedicated to the habits and rituals that would recharge our batteries, with the exception of just one individual. And while she was a top performer in so many areas, she did not take intentional moments for self-care. She kept driving and driving with the idea that self-care was selfish and weak. Simply put, she felt she didn’t have time. I will put this simply: If you are too busy for self-care, you are too busy. You need to prioritize time for you.

After about two years of performing at this burning pace she broke down. She was emotionally exhausted, her professional relationships were suffering, and she was not able to bring her best self to the office because there wasn’t much left of her. Her ability to deal with conflict was spent. She was devoid of patience and her department suffered. Her department suffered not because she didn’t have the knowledge, experience, or skills. It suffered because she was not able to bring her complete self to the work. Her ability to connect, care for others and find joy had been lost and sacrificed for unrelenting drive and production.

Research would attest, that while life offers plenty of work to those of us who are driven and motivated, we will perform our best when we bring our complete selves steeped in care and love. In part I, we will walk through some of the habits, rituals, routines, and practices that will support us in being our best selves every day. These practices will support us being the best leaders we can be in our homes, offices, and community.

On several occasions, I have been asked by my employees why am I always smiling in the office. As I write this, just as recently as yesterday, one of my project managers asked me, What are you smiling about?

And while my short answer was jokingly, I’m living the dream, it is because I have and feel I have deep meaning, purpose, and the beauty of hope in my life and in my work. And while the circumstances of life are certainly not all cotton candy and rainbows, I know my why and think deeply and mindfully about the human experience.

It is my hope that, unlike the colleague I mentioned above, you recognize that self-care is the foundation of bringing your best self to the arena. I hope you are thirsty for wanting a better life for yourself and the people you impact; and you recognize that you are designed for loving yourself. As much as we are not in control of the many things that affect our lives—that is, aging, other people’s emotions, traffic, diminishing hairlines, and the list goes on and on—we are in control of the mindset, habits, rituals, and practices we establish in our lives. Mountains of research will support that if we intentionally practice implementing positive routines and habits we will experience a better life for ourselves.

Starting with Why

As humans we are wired for meaning and purpose. It drives us, and it leads us to accomplish and serve.⁴ Meaning and purpose lead us to be happier people with more complete and joyful lives.⁵ Whether we are driven to be the best fathers we can be, great coaches, motivational teachers, or the tastiest chef, we are formed for purpose and accomplishment. So, what is your why? What is your meaning and purpose for your actions and your life? Although this question might be seemingly I, it is wildly important. Stephen Covey⁶ and Simon Sinek⁷ would both attest that this is where we start. We need to be proactive about our why. Our why gives meaning and purpose to our lives. It gives us energy and power to produce and create. It charges our batteries to achieve, and it gives us a goal for which to strive. Our why is our starting point for creating our end game. Friedrich Nietzsche says it this way: He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

I have been interviewing candidates for fifteen years, and when I conclude most interviews I typically ask the candidate if they have any questions for me. I know—not earth-shattering! On occasion, however, candidates will ask me why I do what I do. Ironically, just like I mentioned earlier, it goes back to my purpose. I want to help people become better people and make the lives of others better. That’s it. I may be accomplishing my purpose in my line of work, but it is not the line of work that is my purpose. My line of work is a conduit for accomplishing my purpose. I could accomplish my purpose not only in education but in my home, in my business ventures, or even on the golf course—although I don’t recommend you trying to be a golf coach unless you have the credentials; that’s serious business!

When we are clear about our why, our work will have greater purpose, and if our why is founded in the core of humanity, it will lead to a richer and more meaningful life. When we care for ourselves, we seek to bring joy and happiness into our lives. Knowing our why gives us deeper meaning leading to improved happiness.

Have you taken a moment to reflect on your why? Have you written down what it is you bring to the world every day? If this is a foreign concept, you must take some time to quiet yourself and ask what you want to be known for? To illustrate, I would ask you to imagine your retirement party. Imagine your spouse, your parents, your kids, your best friends, and your colleagues all there to celebrate you. Imagine each one will stand to speak and share their story of you. They will share the stories of your work, your home life, your friendships, and your character. If they were to be truly honest, what would you want them to say about you? How would you want them to characterize you? How would you want them to describe your interactions? Your heart? What will they say about what motivates you? What drove you? How did you spend your time? What did your calendar look like? How did you spend your resources? How did you support them? How did you behave when times were challenging, and you were vulnerable?

While this is not an exhaustive list of potential questions, I now challenge you to sit down and write, or simply bullet point, what you want others to say about you when you retire. What do you want people to say about you? Take some time to define who you want to be and how you want to be known. After you have done so, you will find your why. When you know who you want to be, you will know your why. Because when you know who you aspire to be