Notes on Womanhood

Chapter One

Women without a uterus

My mother used to wear a purple suit. It had a single button on the boxy jacket that pulled it in at her waist. The skirt was tight and smooth. The first time I remember her wearing the suit was at my cousin’ s wedding, a lavish church affair in Ōtepoti Dunedin where the bride and groom arrived at the reception by helicopter. But she would also wear it on normal work days. My mum’ s friends – we’ d bump into them at the local mall or in the aisles of the supermarket, my sister and I hanging off her arm – would come up to her, and after making polite conversation say, ‘You look so good, Pauline.’ They’ d stand back a bit, cast an eye over her suited body and say, ‘Have you lost some weight?’

My mother’ s a renowned public health academic and has always been an outspoken feminist. I remember one time during high school when she was driving my friend and me into central Ōtautahi Christchurch to go to the movies. He made some sexist joke about a woman’ s place being in the kitchen. Mum pulled the car over and in a steely tone told my friend to get out. I remember feeling stunned but impressed. When I was born, my mother only had three months’ maternity leave. After that ended, she would bathe and feed me in the early morning, go to work, come home and feed me again at lunchtime before going all the way back in to work. When my sister and I were school-aged, my mother worked for a university medical school during the day while she wrote her PhD at night.

One school holiday, all of us crammed into a motel room in a Te Waipounamu South Island town, my father told my mother that she was too fat for him to love her any more. I remember spittle at the corner of my father’ s mouth and the anguish on my mother’ s face. I remember staring hard at the squiggly-green-patterned wallpaper of the room. I wasn’t able to sleep till late that night, my sad little body deep in the bed.

Those motels always had a pool that the kids (my younger sister and I took the other guests as our immediate best friends) would splash in and out of all day. We would spread out our towels beside the pool and bake in our neon swimsuits. Somewhere in the motel grounds there would be a rusted swing set and a television room where the adults could socialise and drink shandies. I loved these holidays, even with the strain between my parents. They were good people in a hard situation that, as a kid, I couldn’t understand. What I did understand was that a few months after the holiday my mother had lost weight and bought a purple suit. That people liked her better that way. That she was better.

I’ve been thinking about womanhood – about what it means to me, and what I’ve been taught – since I had a hysterectomy a few years back. Twelve years earlier I’ d had surgery to remove precancerous cells from my cervix. I knew that if the cells returned I might need surgery again, but I never expected a hysterectomy.

The gynaecologist gave me the news as we sat in his spacious office, light streaming in through the large windows. The air punched into my chest as he told me I needed to have my uterus and fallopian tubes removed. They’ d found some new abnormal cells on my cervix. This type of cancer produced ‘skip lesions’, he said. There could be abnormal cells and then healthy ones, but then other abnormal cells could be hidden elsewhere. If he simply took out the abnormal cervical cells he couldn’t guarantee they hadn’t skipped to my uterus. An image came to me of standing on the pebbly bank of a river and teaching my son, Sam, how to skip a stone. Of how lightly the flat grey mass skimmed across the water. I was forty. I didn’t want any more children, so full removal was the best option. He would also have a look at my ovaries during the surgery to see if they needed to come out too.

I felt numb. The gynaecologist was sitting at his desk with official-looking papers spread before him. I was in a low squishy armchair and he felt high above me. His legs were spread apart, one elbow rested on each knee as he told me the news. He cracked a few jokes as he talked. He was wearing a grey suit with a white shirt casually unbuttoned.

At the end of the appointment he printed out a stack of medical literature for me to read. ‘These are written for doctors, so let me know if you have trouble,’ he said. He leaned forward and said, ‘Don’t worry, the operation won’t make you less of a woman.’

I think most women will recognise this moment – a man who wants to be kind but who has few narratives to work with: the male saviour; the expert. It’ s my experience that this man does not do well when confronted with a self-possessed woman. Sitting in his office I told him that I was more than competent to read the literature, and that I was fully aware of what made up my womanhood. Confusion flickered across his face and he laughed a little. He smoothed his suit jacket and then continued to reassure me.

In her celebrated blog on why saggy boobs matter, Chidera Eggerue writes, ‘There is literally no wrong way to be a woman. There is literally no wrong way to have a body as long as your body is functioning well enough to keep you alive.’¹ As a child, I was always the first to dive into a cold swimming pool, the water a shock on my skin. I’ d hold my breath, swim down and place my toes on the blue-tiled bottom, my body pure joy in the silence. That day, I wish I’ d told the gynaecologist that to school me on womanhood was to take something that was not his. I wish I’ d climbed into bed with my mum that night years ago at the motel and told her she was loved.

/

A month after I saw the gynaecologist, my husband Jim dropped me at a hospital in Te Whanganui-a-Tara Wellington, the city where we live. I followed a nurse as she led me down the long corridors to my room. A single bed and a comfortable armchair. Fluorescent lighting and beige walls. A small en suite. A private hospital room. She bustled around as I stripped behind a curtain and pulled on a blue hospital gown. She had me produce a urine sample, gave me the dinner menu and left me sitting on the bed.

Jim and I couldn’t afford to pay for me to have the operation privately. We barely had enough leave to take time off for my recovery, let alone savings to pay for private surgery. But my parents had called a few days after the news about the hysterectomy and offered to pay. They gave me some good reasons why they should: it would mean the surgery could be done sooner; they hoped private would mean better results and a faster recovery; this sort of thing is what their savings were for. They knew I was scared and didn’t want me to suffer the anxiety of long public hospital waiting lists. They wanted me to be safe and well. I felt lightheaded at how much the operation was costing my parents. I felt ashamed and undeserving to have the choice. But mostly I felt grateful.

Waiting in the hospital room I read Tomboy Survival Guide by Ivan Coyote, a collection of short stories about Coyote growing up butch in Canada in the 1970s. I’ d seen Coyote speak at a writers’ festival some years before and had brushed away tears in a dark auditorium as I listened to them speak about love and gender. The first story in Tomboy Survival Guide, ‘Not My Son’, is about Coyote, who was assigned female at birth, being mistaken for a boy as a child. In this story Coyote describes how they started to intentionally present as a boy, but is quick to say, ‘I didn’t not want to be a girl because I had been told that they were weaker or somehow lesser than boys … I just always knew that I wasn’t.’²

If anything, the women in Coyote’ s family were seen as stronger than the men because they ‘handled most of the practical details of everyday life’.³ That echoes my experience of growing up in the 1980s and 90s: many women, including my own mum, were in charge of the household, the children, the finances and the social relationships. The difference: women were now also working. The slogan for the early 90s was the well-meaning ‘Girls can do anything’, which Mum cheerfully repeated to me from our newly renovated kitchen, an apron tied over her work clothes while she cooked the evening meal. I think we even had a magnet with the slogan on our fridge. My mother as worker ant – she carried giant leaves and twigs, fifty times her weight.

In Eve Fairbanks’ article ‘ We believed we could remake ourselves any way we liked: how the 1990s shaped #MeToo’, she writes that to understand how women feel today we must understand the 90s – ‘a peculiar era, caught between the confidence that there had been fabulous progress in the relationship between the sexes, and the smouldering remnants of a past in which bold women were feared and ridiculed’.⁴

Fairbanks describes the intense pressure felt by women in the 90s. Suddenly everything was possible. She points to The Powerpuff Girls, Sweet Valley High and ‘fuck-me boots’ (mine were black leather with a blocky heel and a zip up the side) as 90s narratives of female empowerment and ambition, albeit not without contradiction.⁵ Sweet Valley High’ s twins, Jessica the manipulative party girl and Elizabeth the sensible and studious nerd, were a modern version of the Madonna/whore dichotomy. Or as Fairbanks says of Princess Diana, ‘[she] was applauded for rejecting her ugly prince. But she was also painted as reckless for getting killed with her playboy lover in a car chase with paparazzi.’⁶

And I can’t forget the Spice Girls – the Madonna/whore stereotypes expanded into Baby, Sporty, Ginger, Posh and Scary: five personas that are equally reductive while simultaneously advertising themselves as ‘girl power’. I was a Spice Girls fan as a teenager, singing along to ‘2 Become 1’ and ‘Wannabe’ in my bedroom, but I could never settle on which Spice was my favourite – I knew I was a bit like all of them. ‘To acknowledge how younger women have struggled,’ Fairbanks goes on to say, ‘would entail a painful admission that the battles of previous generations may not have been won as decisively as they had hoped’.⁷

I thought about this while reading Coyote in the hospital room. While the slogan my mother told me was ‘Girls can do anything’, what I heard and took right into my bones was ‘Women must do everything’. Feminist Jessica Eaton says, ‘For women to be valid, whole human beings in society – feminism has got to move beyond this notion that women are striving for what men already have.’⁸ The problem with the 90s was that women were not able to create something new: they were given some of what men had while being expected to continue the traditional work and roles of women. The space had not yet opened – and still may not have – for women to rise from the ashes of their old selves. Mum’ s cheerfulness at the time was actually hidden defiance. When I asked her about it years later she said, ‘I wouldn’t let the bastards win.’

Eventually the nurse came back. I’ d talked to the anaesthetist and now it was time for surgery. She had me lie down on the bed under the covers. I tucked my arms in close to my side and lay there stiff and terrified. She flicked off the brakes and wheeled me down the corridors, bright lights flashing overhead, and through two swinging doors into the operating room. The ward nurse handed me over to a surgical nurse, who helped me up onto the operating table. She slid a needle in my hand as she asked about my day. What’ s the weather like outside? Still sunny? Have you been in an operating theatre before? She told me two instruments would be inserted in my abdomen, and my uterus, cervix and fallopian tubes would be freed and removed. There were five or six people in scrubs and masks busying themselves around the operating room. The lights were hot above me. The nurse slipped a breathing mask on my face, and soon I swam in that dark and warm place of no-thought. Parts of me I’ve never seen were taken away.

That term, ‘freed’. It sounds so positive, as if my uterus were a rescue animal being released back into its natural habitat. I imagine opening the cage and my uterus making a break for it – the scuttling and squishy noise it makes across the linoleum floor and down the hospital corridor. When it reaches the hospital door it turns back to look at me. It’ s a sentimental moment: we acknowledge all the years we’ve spent together, and then the doors open and it disappears out onto the street.

I woke in recovery, a nurse touching my head with the back of her hand. Her skin was smooth and there was soft chatter coming from the people around us. ‘Am I okay?’ I asked, because I couldn’t tell. I don’t remember much of that evening. I was wheeled back to my room. I drifted in and out of sleep. At some point I ate dinner and talked to Jim and Sam on the phone, desperate to hear their voices. I know a nurse gave me pain relief in the middle of the night, her figure moving silently around my bed. I know that when Jim came to see me the next day I tried to make conversation but fell against him and cried in long heaving sobs. I’ d been so brave. That’ s what the women in my family do.

/

The gynaecologist, who was also the surgeon, visited me the morning after surgery. He strode into my hospital room, a broad smile on his face. ‘You look fine,’ he said. The surgery had gone well and there hadn’t been any cancer detected in either my cervix or my uterus. He flipped through his surgical notes. He told me that my ovaries hadn’t been removed, and I felt a wash of relief at not needing hormone therapy. He paused for a moment, then said, ‘Your ovaries were beautiful. They winked at me.’

To be reduced this way – to the beautiful and the coy – is to be made palatable. He did not recognise the bloodiness and complexity of what I had been through, or of womanhood. In the days before surgery I’ d spent time thanking my uterus for the work it had done. The way it had built up its lining each month since I was thirteen years old, before letting the blood and tissue flow from me. For being the anchor and shelter for my son as he grew inside me. I put my hands to my stomach. ‘Thanks,’ I said.

My thoughts turned to a time at high school when I dubbed my best friend Melissa home on my old mountain bike. We’ d been hanging around outside the local swimming pool when her period started