The Mend: A Novel

1

The Last Gift

The visitors left; the awkward conversations ended. A tray of sliced lunch meat wraps sat on the kitchen counter. The house was silent. The hollow echo from each of Joe’s footsteps down the hallway rattled in his head, almost as loud as the din of the new reality he wished wasn’t true. She is gone.

In their bedroom, a box on his dresser caught his eye. Joe was usually very observant; he was struck that he had not noticed the box previously. Since Jody passed, Joe was consumed by completing each step that she outlined in her last wishes. He had been on autopilot, meticulously carrying out each deed as if their fulfillment would somehow bring her back...and now he was done. Where did that box come from?  

It was a simple cardboard box, but he can’t remember having seen it there before. Who left this for me? With all the pain and all the forced smiles, he was tired of surprises and unforeseen moments. Jody would leave him notes, mainly yellow Post-it notes, on the bathroom mirror or in his wallet. In the rare instances she made him lunch, there unfailingly would be a note in the bag. He loved her notes. But not boxes. He hated opening gifts, and she spared him from the discomfort. 

The past six days felt like someone else’s life. Anytime Joe was faced with pain, he could disconnect. He was already an accomplished compartmentalizer, or so Jody had told him. He chuckled at the thought, realizing that might have been his first authentic smile in months. She could make him laugh even now. 

Joe picked up the box and held it for a moment in his hands, appreciating its cube shape fitting between his thumbs and pinky fingers. The edges of the box had weathered, leaving a soft, flaky residue on his thumbs when he grabbed its sides. On its top, four flaps overlapped, with the end of each flap covering half of the adjacent flap. He was thinking he must have left it there but couldn’t remember. It had a practical and plain appearance, not like the perfectly wrapped boxes Jody would prepare for presents. 

He sat down on the bed. Using his thumbs, he pulled the top and right flaps upwards. The sides of the box strained and shifted as he opened the left and bottom flaps and revealed the box’s contents. A sheet of stationary Jody occasionally used for personal notes was folded in half at the top of the box. Water began to fill his eyes for the first time in weeks. Over the past several weeks, they had many tearful moments, but they also shared joyful remembrances. They had time for long, meaningful conversations, and they also had time for heartfelt, reluctant goodbyes. Was this another goodbye? His finger followed the lettering.  

J - You gave me all of you. You always took such wonderful care of me. I am so grateful for every second I have been able to spend with you. We created so many memories that I hope will keep my love in your heart. I will be gone soon, but you have to keep going.  Please take care of yourself for me and find something to throw yourself into. Being on the stream brought you joy with your dad, and maybe it can help you now. Head back to the water and find a way to mend your heart. Go and leave no stone unturned. Love you forever, no matter what. J  

He would always tell her that he would love her forever, no matter what. Death wouldn’t change that. Tears overtook him, and he cried until exhaustion forced him into a deep sleep. 

2

Back to Life

Joe woke up wishing he’d never wake up again. He couldn’t move. What is life supposed to look like now? Jody gave him purpose, even when the purpose was only not to piss her off. He promised to never let her down. She was all he needed to get through any obstacle, and she was gone. The bedroom felt empty, but he still felt like he was suffocating.

The dreams of their life spent traveling and exploring, all the inside jokes, and memories of sitting together at the cliché café rolled around in his imagination. He wanted those things back. Why were they taken away? Jody was Joe’s whole life. In their twenty-six-year relationship, he always played the grumpy old man role, not liking crowds, noise, or other people. In general, he fit the role, but the underlying truth was that he really only ever wanted to be with her. If he was with her, he would go anywhere.

They’d find a game to play when they went out in public. Her favorite was picking random people in the crowd and telling the make-believe story of their lives: the acapella-singing dentist, the hip-hop-loving crocheting grandma, and the model-train-making professional wrestler. The bigger the contradiction, the bigger the laugh. No more laughs, no more sunshine. He couldn’t even think about that without hearing Bill Withers singing in his head. She always made fun of his constant humming and singing with his never-ending repertoire of songs. He didn’t want to sing anymore.

The more his brain worked through missing her, the more he cried. Before Jody got sick, Joe was a crier. Any level of sappiness would open the floodgates, but the tears now were painful, like the source was running dry, like his soul was being pulled from him. Joe never could understand why people tried so hard not to cry at funerals. Jody had tried to convince him that when people are in traumatic emotional pain, they don’t want to risk falling apart. Joe would argue that if it’s not safe to be sad at a funeral, where is it safe to be sad? Now he realized this level of sadness wasn’t about safety; it felt like survival. Each breath, each step, each moment took all he had. Shutting off his brain was the only way to stop the pain. He counted on going first. His family’s medical history was bad, and his health felt fragile. Joe closed his eyes, praying his heart would stop.

3

Not Quite

Putting one foot in front of the other is not always as easy as it sounds. Taking a step requires a direction to move in, a willingness to move there, and the ability to generate momentum. As the days and weeks passed, Joe could generate momentum, but in no specific direction and with habit more than will as his driver. Without Jody, he was deteriorating. He thought he could turn off the emotions. Mentally, he had enough capacity to fake it for a while, but physically, his emotional state began to show through the smiles and sport coats.  

Joe’s interest in architecture started as a creative outlet, matching his analytical, mathematical mind with his love of drawing and order. The ability to create something in your mind and make it real on earth is magical. He had created some beautiful things and felt pride in his accomplishments. His studio within the firm focused on libraries and churches. He particularly enjoyed connecting historical, spiritual, and creative spaces that brought people together in learning and celebration. Jody would joke that for someone who was socially awkward and didn’t enjoy crowds, he had an ironic talent.

Joe creates welcoming, majestic spaces for people to gather away from him. Even with the challenges of combining artistic expression and practical utility, as he gained experience and expertise, he saw his efforts more cynically and suspiciously. 

Gaining and managing clients was the key to organizational success, and the more money you brought in, the more money you could make. He made enough money during the 22 years he worked at O’Connell and Wilcock, but he never made it to Partner. Part of that made him happy, like he didn’t completely sell out. But a level of jealousy stuck with him and leaked into conversations with his boss and co-workers. He felt he did great work and was a good man, but he seemed to have gotten penalized for not wanting to play the game. The golf trips and business dinners felt forced. He wanted the work to speak for itself. Joe didn’t get that people have to generally like you to want to keep working with you and that often that requires more than just the work.  

Jody kept him grounded and kept his ego from turning him into an inauthentic BS’er, as she described the others who advanced into ownership at the firm. She also shielded him from himself and the competitive drive that would induce the 18-hour days and working all weekend. His time with her saved him from his worse impulses. She made Joe safe to be himself without having to prove anything anymore. Joe avoided parties and had a rule against having lunch with more than four people. He prided himself on delivering on his promises, but he didn’t want to make friends or serve as a professional mentor. He was kind, but not friendly, and funny, but not social. Joe loved that Jody didn’t force him to go to dinner parties or happy hours. But she elevated his social manners tremendously. She could fill the space without pressuring him to contribute. Conversely, Joe could step into stressful or emergency situations without wavering and could back up Jody when confrontations or awkward moments arose. They matched each other's weaknesses with strengths, and it got them through some hard spots in their twenty-three years of marriage. 

Without her, the days were meandering. Work didn’t deliver excitement or even really stress anymore. He didn’t care. Going through the motions can give you cover almost anywhere for a few months, but it was starting to get noticed. The two-hour lunches grew into two-drink lunches. He showed up late and disheveled. Even for someone who never strictly adhered to dress codes, he was becoming noticeably sloppy. Co-workers started questioning his well-being and his performance.  

There was a stage of melancholy that Joe would reach after a third drink—even before Jody left—that drained any remaining life from his skin tone and soured his face entirely. He avoided the third drink for years and was better for it. But now, he looked and felt like the subject of Nobody to Blame by Chris Stapleton. Having a third drink by 2 p.m. most days became the norm and made him perpetually groggy and distant. 

Deadlines were missed, phone calls went unreturned, people avoided him, and work dried up. He left the house dark, but he kept it clean. He didn’t want to disappoint her too badly. With Jody, he’d spend his evenings cooking Mediterranean dishes, sitting by the fireplace rubbing Jody’s feet and daydreaming about their retirement. Now his evening hours passed by watching television shows he couldn’t remember as soon as they were over. 

4

A Door Closer

Hey, Joe. Can you come in here for a second? 

He hated the intercom system through his phone. Jacob had that tone in his voice. Joe had been a part of enough conversations where he had been the one to say those same words. His heart sank, but he also felt a twinge of relief. 

Walking down the hall, Joe noticed the feel of the carpet under his feet and the smell of the paper and ink drifting from the print room. He looked at his reflection in the glass panels of the offices as he passed. It sank in. He looked horrible, like a hung-over, burnt-out college professor. Getting fired at fifty-four was embarrassing, and he was glad he wouldn’t have to tell Jody. He could hear her voice, Joe, you need to keep moving. You can’t give it away, for me.  

He made this walk hundreds of times over the last twenty-two years, as the partners’ offices were at the front entrance of the floor. Ownership wanted to show that the leaders were always present and available to interact with clients as soon as possible. 

Jacob Miller was tall with thinning, gray hair, and calm, clear, blue eyes. He shook hands with a purpose, confirming he followed through on his commitments. Graduating from West Point, his military training never left him. His discipline and aggressive demeanor served him well in and out of the military. Joe respected Jacob, even if they didn’t always agree.

Joe, have a seat. We need to talk. Joe remained silent; he wasn’t going to make excuses or ask for any forgiveness or sympathy, and Jacob knew it. Jacob closed the door and quickly walked to his chair.

Look, you’ve been a friend and great contributor to the firm, but you’re not performing. I understand the loss of Jody was devastating. We can’t keep you here if you continue like this. I know about the drinking and missing the deliverables on the Annapolis Library project. I’m in the place where I should let you go. But you mean a lot to us. So, I’m mandating you take time off. If you need help, reach out to Becky. I’ll check in with you in three months, but you can’t be here until you’re not drinking and you can commit to the work. We will pack up your personal items. Take care of yourself.

Joe remained silent. He nodded. Jacob rose and held out his hand. Numbness fell over Joe. He shook Jacob’s hand, smiled a weak smile, and walked out the door. He had stopped bringing a briefcase, so he didn’t have much to carry. He grabbed the framed photo of Jody from their wedding day off his desk and headed out. 

Every step Joe took tried to lead him into the bar of the nearby Italian restaurant, but he didn’t want to risk seeing anyone from the office, so he forced himself into his SUV. Sitting behind the steering wheel, he felt the tears coming back. What if she saw me now? A drunk, essentially fired from his job. He wept uncontrollably.    

5

The Tumbler

He slid the back door open, walked into the kitchen, and grabbed the heavy glass tumbler. It felt solid in his hand. Pushing the glass against the stainless-steel lever and hearing the ice fall into the glass, he briefly closed his eyes. It brought him back to happy hours with Jody, sipping a cocktail in their chairs on the porch. They would talk or just sit and hold hands, watching the sunset.

The raised rings on the tumbler secured the glass in his hand while the cold condensation sent a chill through his body. Pouring the Irish whiskey over the ice softened the ice and muted the sound of the ice shifting in the glass. He sat at the lonely table for two, staring at the whiskey. 

He wanted to dive into the glass. What am I going to do? They had built up a reasonable retirement fund, but it was not supposed to happen this way. Joe always thought and said he’d retire before he was sixty. Looking for another job as an architect was not appealing, and he felt that age discrimination would make it nearly impossible to change his position. He lost motivation and just didn’t have it in him. Calling Jacob and proving himself again was not a moment he wished to experience. 

The whiskey was comforting at first, but now it was undoing him. Joe stared at the glass, afraid to take a sip, thinking he may hear her voice chiding him. The summer evening light began to fade, and he stayed sitting at the table transfixed on the drink. 

She’d been gone for ten weeks.  He hadn’t visited a single friend or family member since the memorial, and he drank away his job. The phone messages, emails, and text messages were all unreturned. I don’t even know the name of the bartenders. He drank at home, at lunch, and in the SUV on the way home. He had bought pints so they would fit in the cupholders. He remembered the walks around the neighborhood with Jody when she pointed out the discarded beer cans along the path of their walks.

That’s a sure-fire sign of someone hiding a drinking problem. Kids experimenting with beer don’t drive around their parents' neighborhood in a specific pattern, she’d said.  

Joe didn’t have anyone to hide anything from. He was experiencing his greatest fear: being alone. It was eating him alive and would likely kill him. He set the glass down. Losing control and drinking himself to death certainly had some appeal, as his life didn’t feel worth living, but he couldn’t do that to her. He promised her he wouldn’t let her down. He dropped on the couch and turned on the TV. He was out before he even knew what he was watching. 

6

The Box

A loud chime entered his dream, like a tiny jackhammer repeatedly striking a bell. Joe tried to hold on to sleep, but the sound shook him free. In each dream, he would try to wish Jody to join him. So far, he was only able to hear her voice. God, I miss her...and why did I forget to turn off my alarm the day after I was told not to come to work?

His brain was already moving too much to go back to sleep. He knew it was hopeless to try. Looking past the foot of his bed, he saw something that felt like an old dream. The box. Leave no stone unturned. After he saw her note, he was inconsolable. And he hadn’t touched the box since. He wondered why she left that note and didn’t just tell him directly. She liked riddles. They used to read riddles to each other while sitting at their fire pit during fall evening happy hours. She always got more than he did. And she would giggle when Joe couldn’t figure one out that seemed right at the tip of his tongue. 

She also was sweetly sentimental for someone who was tough-minded. Her reactions to small, thoughtful moments could be so intense that it felt to Joe that she had a depth of emotion from her life that formed a beautiful, strong, outward armament of a fragile core. He wasn’t quite sure he ever saw the core, but the warmth she gave him made him comfortable when he had never been comfortable before. The thought of her sparked a warm sensation through his center.  

Joe sat up, walked to the dresser, and grabbed the box. It had more weight than he remembered. The flaps were still overlapping. He always liked the design of boxes, so simple and effective. Architect’s mind. 

Pulling the flaps upwards, he saw the note, and the tears began to well up. He realized he would forever associate the feeling of cardboard with her note. Under the note—he couldn’t believe he didn’t notice it before—a light brown box with a dark blue label rested at the bottom. He knew that label from his youth, an iconic color associated with the brand Hardy. Jody’s last gift to him was a Hardy Bougle Reel. The tears started again. 

Joe’s favorite memories of his father were the times they spent fly fishing on the river. His father, Liam, was quiet and often impatient. The son of Irish immigrants, Liam Barden was instilled with a strong work ethic, a sharp mind, and a heavy pour. But on the river, he was a teacher and a conservationist. The wild, natural places and everything that lived in them captured his love and curiosity. He never took to hunting, but fishing, he would often say, is being one with God. 

Liam taught Joe how to cast a fly rod and hook a trout, although Joe never mastered the art of fly fishing like his father. Joe remembered catching his first trout at eight years old. He could still feel the rush of the tug of the fish on the rod and the warmth of his father’s hand on his shoulder after they put the fish on a stringer. By the time he was ten years old, Joe could mend and read the water and was starting to learn, not just from Liam but from the river, too. 

Liam didn’t speak much around the house, but his words had weight. With a scowl, he could silence Cindy and Joe immediately. With a smile, it opened the whole family up to be silly. But as he went, the family went. The trips where it was just Joe and his father felt like the only times he completely connected with him. The hand on the shoulder and the patient instruction about flies, casting and, most of all, etiquette on the stream, were rushing back to Joe. 

A day before the funeral, Joe had laid out on the living room coffee table all the photo albums Jody had pulled together over the years. After the memorial service, friends and family enjoyed flipping through the pages and reminiscing. Joe couldn't bring himself to look at the albums after the initial effort of finding photos for the slide deck that scrolled on the screen at the funeral home. They still sat sprawled out over the coffee table. 

On the bookshelf against the back wall of the living room, the shelf that once held all the albums was bare except for one smaller dark blue album with worn corners leaning against the side. Outlines of the missing albums were evident in the patterns of dust on the shelf. Holding the box containing the reel in his left hand, he picked up the tattered album with his right hand. Memories flooded him as he opened the pages. His mother had put it together for him as a Christmas present after his father had passed.   

The first photo was of his father holding Joe as a baby. The time frame of the photos quickly jumped to Joe as a young boy and Cindy, Joe’s sister, as a baby. Camping trips, baseball games, and horseshoes in the yard filled the next few pages. Flipping to the fifth page, all the fishing trips they took were memorialized. Several pictures were dedicated to Penns Creek with the scary dark tunnel. Joe remembered counting the steps until he could see sunlight as they walked under the old railroad bridge. Other photos captured the trips to Trout Town, USA, with the great early morning breakfasts at the Roscoe Diner. He loved those trips to Central Pennsylvania and the Catskills. Fishing for trout in Maryland wasn’t nearly as much fun as when they traveled and camped. He was smiling through the tears. 

Liam passed away the day after Joe’s eighteenth birthday, and fishing never was quite the same again. He lost the connection to fishing when his dad passed. Now Jody was telling him to go back to the water. That’s what he was going to do.

7

Starting the List

Waking up with a renewed energy and sense of purpose, Joe started making a list. Writing things down helped him to isolate individual thoughts bouncing around his head. He loved whiteboards, scribbling, erasing, and connecting lines between concepts. He was a messy-minded architect, relying on the truly artistic and engineering souls to put the details to paper. 

He hadn’t been fly fishing in over thirty years, but he was excited to get back to it. Joe needed a mission to get his mind moving, and thanks to Jody, he found it; the new reel and the photo album sparked him. And thanks to Jacob, he had the time. He knew research was required and that he would need many new supplies: waders, a new rod, a new fly line, flies, a wading staff, a vest, etc. Gear for anglers is part of the hobby, he thought to himself. Even years ago, he remembers how his neighbor seemed more focused on the gear and the status of new gear, even more than catching the fish. Joe wasn’t one to go overboard, and he’d have to be careful not to spend much money now that he was unemployed. He couldn’t remember where his old gear was stored, but he imagined it didn’t fare well over time and technology had dramatically improved in the last few decades.

He also needed to know where to go. A quick internet search gave him more information