I Promise I’ll Make You Happy

About the Author

Karen Harvey is a devoted mother of two children and six fur babies. She had a happy childhood growing up and has always worked in a healthcare setting, first animal, then human.

She loves to write, having written poetry in her twenties, some of them published, but her real passion was to always write a book. She never imagined that it would be one written on her true-life experience of being entangled with a narcissist.

On life, Karen believes that everything happens for a reason, and this has led to her writing this book and sharing her experience now.

Dedication

To all the victims and survivors of all types of domestic abuse. Stay strong, keep moving forward and never look back. You got this! For all those still struggling to leave, you ARE brave, you ARE strong, and YOU have got this too!

Copyright Information ©

Karen Harvey 2022

The right of Karen Harvey to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of the author’s memory. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398433168 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398433175 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2022

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

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E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

It goes without saying that it is only fitting and correct that I give thanks to the authors of all the books and articles that I have read along the way, which inspired me to write this book. Without my journey into narcissism and without the help and knowledge that I achieved from reading these, this book would not have been possible.

Massive thank you, especially to HG Tudor and Maria Consiglio whose knowledge and material has proved invaluable to me in the production of this book. I have the greatest respect for their knowledge and insights into narcissism.

Also, to all the online web pages, support sites and forums whose quotes I have so gratefully used throughout the book. I hope the use of these quotes will inspire the readers just in the same way that they have inspired me.

I want to also thank my family and friends, without their constant love and support, and without their unwavering confidence in me to write this book and get my story down on print, it may never have been finished. Thank you also for being my proof-readers when the book was finished and for critiquing it for me. Thank you for always believing in me, for supporting me over the years and for providing me with constant and invaluable advice along the way.

Most of all, I want to thank my two beautiful, wonderful children, Adam and Megan, for ALWAYS being there for me. Thank you for your endless support, for your patience, for your advice, but most of all for your unconditional love, trust and belief in me, not only as a mother but also as a person. I love you both to the moon and back!

A special thank you as well to an extremely talented young man by the name of Craig Cumberton who helped design and create my book cover. The graphics and finished product were all his hard work too. You can find him on Instagram under the name cumbertoons where he brings to life animation that has been created, drawn and designed entirely by him. His talent is truly endless.

Introduction

Quite a catchy book title, don’t you think?

I can promise you that it was not thought up in a nostalgic cheesy moment, nor was it done with any sentimental meaning or thought behind it.

It was a sentence that my narcissistic ex-husband (Nex) once said to me at the very beginning of our relationship when I was packing up my entire life, and that of my two children’s so that I could move across the country to embark on a new life with him.

I never forgot it. Why?

Because I went on to spend so many times after that moment muttering the comment to myself sarcastically while following it rapidly with my own muttered comment of, ‘But instead I’ve spent more time crying!’ This was a fact that I had genuinely spent more time crying in our fourteen years together then I had in my entire life up to the point that I met him at the age of forty-one. My Nex did not even know how to make himself happy, let alone anyone else.

So, the next thing you are probably wondering is what led me to write this book? Well, I have always said that I wanted to write a book and that it would probably be when I was old and grey (not quite there yet!) and I always thought that it would be a nice romantic fiction novel or something like that. They say that ‘Everyone has a book inside of them’ and I guess when the right moment presents itself, you just know. For me, this was and is the right moment. Though it was not to be some nice fictional love story, rather instead, it is an informative and true account of narcissism and narcissists and my own true-life story of being in an abusive relationship with one and living with them.

I guess that after reading so very many books and articles on narcissism and narcissists, I came to realise that they were all just a little bit too ‘clinical’. Too much description with science-based facts but without any true-life stories attached to them. Yes, there were references of the author experiencing an instance of say ‘love-bombing’ or ‘devaluation’ but not often with an account of what they really experienced or went through. I realised that I wanted to read a book that was an account of someone’s real life with a narcissist with the ‘clinical’ details and terminology littered throughout so that I could clearly see what love-bombing meant or looked like, or what a devaluation actually was. I could compare my experiences when reading those books, but it was not quite the same thing as reading about one on the page, ‘seeing’ it come to life, and I needed to be really sure that this was what I had experienced. As I have already stated, I have longed to write a book my entire life and have always thought that maybe I would get round to it when I retired (another point my ex-narcissistic husband belittled me about, which I will tell you about later) but the longing to get my story down on paper was so overwhelming that I just had to start writing it and once I started writing, I decided that I would turn it into a book. My hope was that it would be a cathartic experience for me coupled with an account of events that other people could acknowledge and relate to, draw comfort from and even recognise themselves in it and have the courage to leave an abusive relationship if still in one.

Most of the books I have read and came across delivered fact after fact to me as to what a narcissist was, what made them tick, why they were one, how they viewed the world, etc, and why you had finally ended up in that awful moment of realisation that just maybe this was what was wrong with your relationship, and why you had always known that it was not a normal relationship. Which, do not get me wrong, was an absolute life saver for me, both physically and mentally, but I still felt something was missing.

I could not get enough of scouring Amazon for more books to download to my Kindle and read or search the narcissist support group sites on Facebook and Instagram for articles on narcissists. After deciding that I would turn my experience into a book, I spent more than six months extensively researching and reading about narcissists and narcissism. This was when I then experienced my biggest lightbulb moment. Do not get me wrong, there were plenty of those moments over the period of intense reading I can tell you. Some were like so many flashbulbs exploding in my face all at once, but the one big defining moment, the one almighty thunderclap flash of the lightening lightbulb moment came when I was on holiday with my daughter in September 2019, more than fourteen months since day one… Day one: I hear you mutter rather confused? Well let me enlighten you. Day one for me is the first day of the rest of my life, the day that my relationship with my narcissist was finally over. The day that I knew I would no longer have to walk on eggshells throughout my life anymore. The day I would no longer have to think about how to say something so it would not be taken the wrong way but still inadvertently would be no matter how much thought I had put into it. The day of no more devaluation, invalidation, gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, stonewalling, lies, silent treatment (Yay!) and so on. The day I finally knew that I had ‘escaped’ and now had the rest of my life to look forward to, narcissist free. Except of course it was not quite like that as I went on to face the mother of all nightmares post-split!

So, back to my holiday. The only books I had downloaded onto my kindle were of course about narcissistic relationships and narcissism. No ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ for me this time! One book was written by someone who had encountered narcissists from as early on as their childhood and who narcissists were particularly drawn to. She pretty much said a lot of what all the other books had, just with a different slant to it. But the one massive, humongous lightbulb moment for me was when she wrote that to move forward you had to accept that your narcissist had never actually loved you. Never! Not ever! Great big fat zilch where love was concerned!

Wow! What a concept to try and get your head around. What a thought to mull over. For me, that meant denying what I thought had been real for fourteen years of my life! Accepting that those fourteen years had all been based on a lie. An illusion, a façade, fake.

Trust me when I say that the first time you read this fact, digest it and let it sink in is not a moment to be trivialised, that is for sure. To recognise this fact and realise and accept that the one feeling you thought was real in your relationship and had been real, was not real at all. That one feeling that you used as an excuse for their behaviour towards you, the one feeling that stopped you from ever leaving them before, this is a massive definite ‘stop you in your tracks’ kind of moment. Just like you have been punched in the face. Which I guess in a way you have. To realise that your partner, your husband, had never actually loved you, is one where you will beat yourself up over until you realise that it is not because they chose not to love you but rather because they are actually incapable of feeling love towards another human being. A narcissist is devoid of how it feels, they can mimic love and mirror it and know how to say it and make it look like they do love you but deep down they just do not feel it. What they are doing is mimicking and mirroring your actual feelings for them. This is something that they have learnt how to do over time to achieve their goals and ultimately ensnare a victim – their partner.

A narcissist is devoid of so many emotions that you or I would just take for granted. Yes, they feel anger, jealousy, superiority, hate, rage and entitlement, but they do not feel love, compassion or empathy. The emotions that they do feel we will look at further on in this book. We will also look at why they do not feel love, compassion or empathy.

Most importantly, I am hoping that this book will help anyone caught up with a narcissist – present or past, and personally – to understand what they went through or are currently going through, recognise what has happened to them and why, and then how to move forward, physically and emotionally, from their entanglement with a narcissist. This book is designed and written with intimate relationships in mind rather than family, professional or child narcissists.

We will look at what is a narcissist? We will look at the sub-divisions of one, their make-up, the different traits involved, how they operate, how they ensnare you, how they prevent you from leaving, what exactly drives them and most importantly how they will never change and why. Also, we will look at the ‘red flags’ that they display to help your avoidance of their kind. Hopefully by achieving all of these aims it will help you to establish and understand what kind of narcissist exactly you are dealing with, or dealt with, so going forward you will be able to make informed decisions and choices but most importantly will know what to look out for in future so you will never be a victim of one again.

As I said at the start, I will be using my own personal examples and accounts throughout in the hope that you will recognise some of this behaviour, identify with it and most importantly understand it and maybe even recognise a reflection of your own life?

I will also be making references in my book to certain professionals and quotes that I have come across but especially with one individual in mind whose articles and books I have found to be so invaluable in my understanding, acceptance and recovery phases and during the writing of this book. Ironically, he himself is a narcissist, a ‘greater’ to be precise. So, who better to accurately dissect and ruminate the makeup of a narcissist? This person goes by the pseudonym of HG Tudor. His articles, available online, are found under the title ‘Knowing the Narcissist’. He also has a website called Narcsite.com. His description of a narcissist and narcissism, the attention to detail, the honest and sometimes brutal descriptions and explanations really are second to none. Real eye openers and quite literally, lifesavers.

Normally a narcissist will not acknowledge what they are, and in fact they will go to great lengths to deny it vehemently and of course, to mask it. This narcissist, HG Tudor, through therapy, has acknowledged and accepted what he is. This does not mean though that he accepts blame of any kind. Oh no, rather as you read his articles and books you might be forgiven in thinking that his acknowledgement of being a narcissist and the subsequent therapy that he is receiving will ‘cure’ him of his narcissism. Which will allow him to see a perspective from his victim’s point of view. But of course, it will not. The Therapy has purely helped him to understand his behaviour and subsequently write about it.

When psychotherapists talk about narcissists never being able to change, and why they cannot change, you can be forgiven for thinking that ‘surely some can’. The answer is still no. No, they cannot change. If they are low down on the spectrum then there may be a chance to get them to look at their behaviour and maybe even accept blame and adjust, but not if they are a full-blown narcissist. They simply will not and cannot change.

What HG Tudor does with his brilliant insightful writing, is make you realise and understand why this finding is completely true and that it really is a fact. Once a narc, always a narc. What makes reading his material even more compelling and interesting is again the very fact that he goes into such great detail as to exactly what he receives from his narcissistic behaviour and how and why he devours the narcissists’ life force, which is classed as either fuel or narcissistic supply. Quite simply, you begin to understand why a narcissist behaves the way that they do, and you start to have an understanding into narcissism.

To help you understand the terminology involved with narcissism and narcissists, I have created an Index at the start of this book, before the first chapter, because I found that while I was reading books and articles on the subject, I was constantly pausing and ‘googling’ what a particular term of phrase was or what it actually meant so I could then understand that phrase, description or terminology. I found this to be time consuming and frustrating, especially if at that precise moment, the internet was not accessible. Therefore, it is at the start of the book for you to keep referring to if you need to as you make your way through it.

I can certainly promise you that I have not written this book to ‘score points’ or avenge any wounded pride. Rather, it was written as a cathartic exercise. To understand, acknowledge and accept what I had experienced. But most of all, for closure. Closure is of course something your narcissist will never give you, so I found the best way for me to achieve it was to understand what I had been through and to seek it myself. Do not get me wrong, at times things were ‘great’ with the narcissist in my life, in fact he could even make me laugh sometimes, but what you have to realise is that during these ‘idealisation phases’ (we look at this later), everything in the narcissists world was and is rosy, and you are at that moment painted white instead of black because you are supplying him with what he craves, and that is the only reason why you were, and are given a brief respite, and a slighting glimpse of what happiness could look like. But the fact of the matter is that these idealisation moments were and are nothing more than fake.

I have also come to realise that my journey through life so far has been littered with narcissists, especially in my working life; I just never knew it. I just always knew that there was something wrong with a particular certain individual, be it a work colleague or even a friend, but I just shook it off and simply put it down to a negative experience in my life.

For the purpose of this book, I will refer throughout to my narcissist as the NEX (Nex), quite simply translated as narcissistic ex. I have of course much stronger terminology that I use with family and friends but for the purpose of this book I will keep it clean.

I will also at times shorten their title to just narc which of course is short for narcissist.

Lastly, you will also discover littered throughout the book, phrases and quotes that I have come across on my journey of enlightenment that I found to be brutally true, useful, informative, soothing, and at times healing. I hope my use of them will also be of some use and comfort to you too.

Never admits to being wrong

Avoids emotions and accountability

Rages if anyone challenges them

Childish when they do not get their own way

Instils doubt in their victims

Stonewalls during conflicts

Smears and slanders you

In denial and gaslights, you

Subjects you to the silent treatment

Triangulates you and tears you down

‘Shahida Arabi’

Index of Terminology

Overt Narcissist: This is a very typical narcissist who cannot hide their feelings of superiority or grandiosity. Their emotional displays are played out for all to see, and their arrogance and sense of entitlement is in full view.

Covert Narcissist: This is a narcissist who can hide his narcissism and feelings of superiority and entitlement. They will come across to the general public as nice, charming, amiable and compliant whilst saving their vitriol of narcissistic behaviour for you, their victim. They are probably one of the worst kinds of narcissists because their behaviour towards you is insidious, and is delivered slowly, so as not to alert you as to what they are. Therefore, you can be in a relationship with a covert narcissist for many years without connecting all the dots and not understanding why your relationship is not normal.

Malignant Narcissist: As well as the necessary fuel supply, these types gain actual pleasure from hurting others. You will generally see aggressiveness, deceit and no remorse from one of these.

Love Bombing/Idealisation: This is displayed at the start of the relationship but will also be used as part of a cycle throughout the relationship. It is used to impress and ensnare you at the beginning and latterly to retain you and throw you off guard. You are showered with overtly displays of warmth, attention and flattery. Constant praise is given, gifts, promises of undying love, soulmates, promises of a future together and ultimately a quick commitment.

Devaluation: This phase starts when the narcissist is bored of you, or their rose-coloured glasses of you have fallen off, or when you have stopped supplying them with their beloved fuel. Or if they have suffered a perceived ‘injury’ by you – real or not. This is when you will encounter verbal abuse, mind games, gaslighting, blame-shifting, projection, ‘one-upmanships’, provocation of arguments and fights and even smear campaigns. Also, for some victims, violence. This phase has no set timetable to it at all.

Dosing: These are ‘drip fed’ moments of normality or positive attention from the narcissist and can consist of moments of love-bombing or idealisation. Usually initiated when devaluation is taking place simply to keep their victim on their toes and to string them along and allow them to believe all is okay.

Discard: This is the phase where the narcissist will discard you. It could be an ultimate final one or it could be a ‘virtual’ discard coming many times over as part of the Idealize-Devalue-Discard cycle that is commonly deployed by the Narcissist. These can and will go on for months and years, especially with a covert narcissist.

Fuel: Otherwise known as ‘narcissistic supply’. This is the narcissist’s life-force. It is what he or she lives for, breathes for, exists for and craves. Without it they simply cannot function. The fuel comes via one of three ways. Positive, negative or challenge. It also comes from many ‘supply’ sources, such as family, friends and work, but the main constant source is obviously from the intimate partner (you). Every aspect and moment of your relationship with the narcissist is spent with them seeking and acquiring this fuel from you.

Supply: This is anyone or anything that provides the narcissist with their fuel to enhance his/her self-esteem. It consists of adoration, attention, respect, love, and if negative supply then fear, sorrow, anguish, despair and even hate. A narcissist requires a continuous constant supply of fuel to be able to function.

Blame-Shifting: This is the narcissist blaming their entire actions on you. It is your fault that they acted the way they did, however bad. You caused it. If not you directly, then they will blame stress, work, alcohol or some other factor as long as it is not them.

Mirroring: This is where the narcissist becomes just like you. They will copy your mannerisms, your likes and dislikes, even your behaviour. This is normally part of the love-bombing phase.

Projection: Here the narcissist will project his or her flaws and bad behaviour on to you. They simply will not allow any accountability for their actions, instead placing this blame directly and entirely on to you.

Gaslighting: Taken from the 1944 movie title ‘Gaslight’ it means that the narcissist will make you believe that you are going crazy. They achieve this through manipulation. They provide you with conflicting information, even if the facts are staring you in the face. They will lie outright and deny any wrongdoing, even if they have been caught in the act, they will attempt to make you think you are paranoid or delusional even when they are presented with the facts. You end up questioning yourself and your own perception of reality and even possibly your feelings of sanity. It is classed as a form of psychological and emotional abuse.

Word Salad: This is disorganised and confusing speech by the narcissist. Normally made up of lies, denial and confabulation to avoid being wrong or blamed for something. Interestingly, the formal name for this is ‘schizophasia’.

Triangulation: This is where the narcissist will involve a third party to try and generate jealousy from you. This is done purely to boost their ego. It has also been described in psychology as meaning controlling and manipulating communication between two parties. It is related to gossiping, smearing and slandering also, when the narcissist is spreading false information and lies about you. It can also involve another love interest.

Stonewalling: This is a refusal to communicate or cooperate with you. It is used by the narcissist to manipulate and control you. It has been described as using a tactic by a bully to control a situation and to isolate, humiliate and frustrate their victim when the victim is trying to resolve a conflict through reasonable discussion.

Silent Treatment: This is one of the narcissists’ favourite weapons. It is exactly as it says, they will ignore you completely, even if you live with them. It can last hours, days or even weeks. It is deployed by the narcissist as a form of punishment and to exert power and control over you. It is recognised as a form of emotional abuse.

Ghosting: This is a common tactic used by a narcissist when they discard you. They will suddenly disappear without a trace, and usually without any warning whatsoever. They will ignore your every attempt to communicate with them, going so far as to change their phone number and block you on social media.

Hoovering: Exactly as in a vacuum cleaner. An attempt by the narcissist to suck you back into the relationship with declarations of love and false apologies. This can also be a negative or ‘Malign Hoover’ attempt by the narcissist purely to obtain and suck in fuel. It will come in the form of verbal or written abuse in the hope you will respond and then engage with them. It is usually deployed when a relationship has ended, either by them or by you.

Flying Monkeys: Taken from the book ‘The Wizard of Oz’ this simply applies to the group of people that the narcissist has engaged or enrolled to enact their evil on the narcissist’s victim. They are usually enticed by lies about the victim. They will always side with the narcissist and believe what they say.

Smear Campaign: This will be deployed by the narcissist against you either before discard, during it or after it. It is used to discredit you and gain support for themselves. If you are the one who has left the narcissist, this campaign against you will be vicious and extreme because your ‘discard’ of them will be perceived as a ‘narcissistic injury’ to them. If you have dared to call them on what they really are, then the smear campaign will be used to protect their false image.

Narcissistic Injury: This is what a narcissist feels when you have threatened or criticized them, whether for real or in their warped opinion. They will take this as a direct insult, a disagreement against them or even an ultimate act of rejection and it will wound them severely and deeply. Their need for revenge will be intense.

Red flags: These are indicators and warning signs that the narcissist will display that will warn you that your relationship is toxic. Recognising them can be invaluable to you.

Grey Rock: If you do have to communicate with the narcissist then this is you being unemotional, neutral, boring and uninteresting to them. The aim of this is to simply not provide them with what they seek the most, which is their fuel.

No Contact: This is establishing a set of self-imposed rules of absolutely no contact with the narcissist. This means no phone calls, texts, emails and social media interaction. You are placing an invisible wall between you and them. This is seen to be an invaluable tool for all victims to adopt and will benefit them greatly in moving on and more importantly preventing the narcissist from attempting a ‘Hoover’ manoeuvre.

Invalidation: This is used by a narcissist to make you believe that your opinions and thoughts are not correct or valid, or that your thoughts and feelings are not important and do not matter. That you are a nobody.

Narcissistic Rage: A direct reaction to the ‘injury’ that they perceive to have received. This will manifest by way of a ‘temper tantrum’, aggressive behaviour, violent behaviour, rows or even ‘ghosting’, ‘stonewalling’ and ‘the silent treatment’. Maybe even a ‘discard’.

Trauma Bonding: This is where a narcissist’s victim becomes emotionally attached to them to the point where they cannot leave the narcissist. The victim remains loyal to them at all costs. The narcissist programmes you to accept their bad behaviour with the use of slow and insidious abuse. You are made to feel unworthy, invalidated and unimportant. Then you are suddenly subjected to slithers of niceness and hope. Then back to the abuse. The bond is strengthened by this inconsistent positive reinforcement. A more formal definition is that ‘trauma bonding’ is a strong and emotional attachment between an abused person and their abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of abuse.

Splitting: A narcissists’ view of you. Basically, you are good, or you are bad, you are black, or you are white. With a narcissist, there is no grey. This viewpoint of theirs is what can cause the dramatic swings you will encounter. One minute all is fine and the very next minute you are subjected to a violent outburst of rage or even the silent treatment and you are left wondering what the hell has happened or caused it.

Baiting: This is when the narcissist will deliberately goad you into a row or a fight with them. It is a deliberate act of provocation by them purely to obtain their precious fuel from you by invoking an emotional response. This can also be enacted if the narcissist is angry with you, but you are unaware of this.

Coercive Control: This can be Overt or Covert. The narcissist will attempt to control every aspect of your life from what you wear, to what friends you see, your career and even your finances. It can be covered by a pretence that it is born out of love or concern. The start can be very subtle or even hidden, so by the time you realise anything is amiss you may have already been isolated from your family or friends. It can also be of an insidious nature where the narcissist will make such comments, so they appear to be made from love and care, but they are not.

Double Standards: A narcissist really lives by the motto ‘Do as I say and not as I do’. He/she will often have two sets of rules. One that he/she will follow and one that is for everyone else to follow. This is usually born out of their sense of entitlement and feelings of superiority. They will expect everyone to follow their rules for them in their entirety all the while ignoring the rules totally themselves as they will simply not apply to them at all.

Futureproofing or Faking: These are generally events that the narcissist says will happen, but they never will. They are used to keep their victim interested, confused, attached or even close to the narcissist. If the victim has suffered a period of ‘devaluation and/or discard’, this part will come during the ‘idealisation’ phase to throw the victim off balance and to cover up what abuse they have just encountered.

Reactive Abuse: The narcissist will deliberately antagonise you to generate a reaction. You end up shouting at them and then they will point the finger of blame at you and accuse you of being the abusive one. This can happen so often that you start to doubt yourself as to who is the abuser and who is not. A narcissist will do this to make you think that you are the problem and not them. That you are the crazy and abusive one and not them. You are purely reacting to their abuse.

Chapter One

What Is a Narcissist?

I must confess to having never really paid any attention to the turn of phrase ‘Narcissist’ before. Oh, for sure I had read the word in news articles and heard it mentioned occasionally on the TV and the Radio in the past, but I never really had any cause to pay particular attention to it. It never piqued my interest enough to ‘google’ its meaning, or research what it meant or find out what one was. After all, a narcissist is extremely good at hiding behind their false mask so why would I. I did not know that I had one living right under my very nose!

This though all changed for me in the spring of 2018 towards the very end of my marriage to my Nex. I cannot pinpoint exactly when it occurred, but a friend and colleague mentioned the word narcissist and pointedly asked me if I had ever considered the fact that my husband could be one. Of course, this did then pique my interest so I finally ‘googled’ the word narcissist and up popped article after article and I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming desire to find out as much as I could on the topic of narcissism and narcissists. It was when we had finally split up only a few weeks later that I guess what I had set out to do initially was to prove to myself that he was not one, that the man I had married and lived with for almost fourteen years and more importantly had loved, could not possibly be a narcissist, but I could not ignore it any longer. I mean how could he be a narcissist? To even begin to believe or accept this meant that I had to face the fact that my life as I had known it had not been real, was not real. That it was a total lie and had always been a total lie, that what I had believed was true, was not. But I could not deny it any longer. The evidence was completely over-whelming, and I became obsessed with the topic. I think that deep down I was trying to find a rational reason for his behaviour, just one small point that would jump out and show me that he was not one. I really wanted to prove to myself that I had got it so wrong, and that my husband could never be labelled as a narcissist. But I could not. All it did instead with my newfound knowledge was prove more and more that my husband was in fact a narcissist, and I do not mean that he just displayed traits of one either. I mean that he was a full-blown bona fide narcissist!

So, where does the phrase narcissism and narcissist originate from?

Narcissus was a mythical Greek god who fell in love with his own image, so much so that he died next to a pool of water, so self-obsessed that he would not leave his own reflection.

The phrases, Narcissus-like, narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, followed in 1898, 1899, 1911, 1914 and finally later on in the nineteenth century.

Interestingly, narcissus is also the name of a flower that looks like a daffodil.

Hashtag, narcissisticabusesurvivor have a quote that describes narcissism in a nutshell:

‘You’re tricked into thinking that you’ve found your soulmate, when actually you’ve met the person who will be the cause of some of the lowest moments in your life.’

So, just a little bit of history as to what brought me to this very point of writing my book; When the Nex and I did finally split at the end of June 2018, I still did not know what a ‘discard’ was. For me, I had experienced so many ‘end of relationship’ scenarios with the Nex that it was not uncommon or unusual. This particular day was a completely innocent day, with him having gone to price a