Then There Was You: Captivating true life stories of self-discovery and reinvention

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Ivy

I discovered a great deal of relatability when interviewing Ivy. Our stories and energy resonate deeply with each other, and we share similar themes in our lives – themes that I believe many women will connect with on various levels.

A lot of women I’ve spoken to over the years find themselves settling for the ‘nice guy’ – as women we are conditioned to believe that ‘nice’ is enough, and that we should be grateful for the life that ‘nice’ brings. Many of us unconsciously fall into the trap of conforming to societal norms, without even realising it. But the truth is, life offers so much more than just following the beaten path, and it’s perfectly acceptable – even encouraged – to embark on a journey of self-discovery and exploration to uncover our true desires.

As humans, we are often taught to view relationship breakdowns as nothing but a failure. However, Ivy and I have learned through our personal experiences that leaving long-term partners can bring about beautiful outcomes, such as having loving children and respectful relationships with their fathers. Instead of viewing it as a failure, we believe that it’s important to recognise not only the intent of the relationship initially, but the growth and personal development that comes with the end of a relationship.

During her journey, Ivy made a conscious decision to give herself the necessary space and permission to explore personal desires and growth, rather than remaining in an unfulfilling relationship.

Lastly, Ivy and I have both faced the heart-wrenching reality of an intense love connection, but with incompatible timelines. This is a common experience for many of us, and while we may want to believe that love is enough to conquer all obstacles, the truth is that timing plays a crucial role. It can be difficult to come to terms with this fact, but sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Rob and I met when we were just 19. We were both travelling Europe, and we fell madly in love straight away. Rob is the most amazing man in the world – everyone loves him. He’s an incredible father, a provider, a friend who would help anyone, and everyone always thought we were such a good couple – and mostly, such a great team. It was a total whirlwind, but we grew up together. I always wish we’d met when we were in our thirties – I think meeting so young was our downfall.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a wild night out with a close friend and her acquaintance, Adele, who happened to be a strikingly beautiful lesbian. As the night progressed and we all let loose, we found ourselves enjoying each other’s company more and more, chatting, drinking, and dancing. Things got a little out of hand, and we ended up getting quite intoxicated. That’s when Adele suddenly grabbed me and pulled me against a wall, kissing me with such intensity that it left me speechless. She then walked away without a word, leaving me stunned and confused about what had just happened.

What the fuck just happened? My mind was reeling with questions, as I struggled to comprehend what had just occurred. I was in a committed relationship with Rob at the time and had never entertained any thoughts or feelings of attraction towards women. Initially, I tried to dismiss it as a fleeting moment of passion that held no significance. However, Adele’s sudden and intense kiss had shaken me to the core, and I couldn’t erase her from my mind. The memory of that night lingered in my thoughts, haunting me with its unrelenting power.

Ten years went by, twelve years, fifteen… and that once prominent kiss faded into the obscurity of distant memory. Rob and I were happy together. Over eighteen years we built a beautiful life, we had two wonderful kids and I loved him – although I must admit that the sex and our intimate life was never wholly fulfilling for me. Despite being an outspoken person in my daily life, I was lost and uncertain about my identity and desires when we first got together. In the bedroom, I was like a mute statue, devoid of expression or initiative. Even as I got older, I would still revert back to a frightened 19-year-old when we got into the bedroom.

I held onto the belief that I wasn’t a very sexual person and resigned myself to the idea that this was just how things were going to be for me. I was content with having a wonderful man by my side who made a great companion, and I had come to terms with the fact that I would never experience mind-blowing sex. At the time, I was okay with that and didn’t see it as a problem.

Five years ago, I was the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding. This was the same friend I’d been out with that night when I met Adele… And Adele was going to be at the wedding, she told me. I felt an electric spark of excitement and curiosity rush through me, and deep down, I knew without a doubt that I would be drawn to her once again as soon as I laid eyes on her.

As I walked down the aisle ahead of my friend on her wedding day, I scanned the crowd, smiling at the guests… and there she was, looking exactly as I remembered.

I’m fucked, I thought, the minute I laid eyes on her. I am proper fucked.

In that moment, I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was acutely aware that my life was on the brink of a profound change, and that there was no turning back.

Adele didn’t have a clue who I was.

We’d been so fucked up the night we’d met so long ago and, to be fair, she’s a hot German lesbian who – at that stage in her life – was kissing girls in clubs all the time. As we sat together at the reception, her leg pressed against mine, I was suddenly overcome with a rush of desire that I couldn’t ignore. Despite the distraction of the wedding and everything else around us, my attention was consumed entirely by this woman.

‘I remember you more than the others,’ she said to me, speaking about the night we’d kissed in our twenties. ‘You must have spoken more than them.’

‘We did way more than talk,’ I told her. ‘You pashed me and grabbed my boobs against the wall.’

From that moment, we were obsessed with each other. The whole night at the wedding, we followed each other around. I was holding her hand. I was so obvious. But… she’s a girl. You can get away with it; you can get away with anything! No one blinks an eyelid at two girls, so I was in heaven. It was a surreal experience, and yet it felt so real and authentic. I could do what I wanted, say what I wanted and behave any way I wanted – even Rob, my partner, didn’t seem to notice the palpable energy between us.

We escaped in a corner all night long, completely engrossed in each other’s company. The wedding ceremony, the guests, the music – everything else faded into the background as we talked and talked. Her face was so close to mine as we spoke that I could feel her breath on my skin. And then, in a sudden and unexpected move, she grabbed my hand and pulled me around the corner where she pressed her lips to mine in a passionate and intense kiss.

After that night, Adele and I couldn’t stop contacting each other. For twelve months, we were messaging in secret and it was the most difficult year of my life – it was a constant battle between my heart and my head, my morals and my desires.

I didn’t want to live with the guilt, the confusion – everything plagued me. I couldn’t reconcile anything. I’m such a people pleaser – my whole life I’d been taught to shut up, don’t speak about my feelings, and make sure everyone else is okay. Just do the right thing, don’t upset people, don’t make waves. The message that was drilled into me from a young age was that as long as you looked like you had everything under control, no one would question what was happening behind closed doors.

I couldn’t face what was happening. It was like a tsunami of emotions was hitting me and I had no idea how to deal with it.

You are not lesbian, you’re not gay, you’re not into women. This was a weird, one-off occurrence. Let it go and focus on being a good mum and a good partner and just keep going forward with your life.

Slowly, slowly, I let one close friend in on what was going on but that was challenging in itself because she was a friend of mine and Rob’s. Physically, nothing had really happened between Adele and I, but emotionally – I was already gone. After my mother had left my father due to his infidelity, I made a solemn promise to myself that I would never follow in his footsteps. As a result, the already arduous circumstances that I was facing were further compounded by my internal turmoil.

Then there was my attraction to Rob – or lack thereof. That relationship had been platonic for a very long time. We’ve always been incredibly close as mates, as family, and co-parents. However, from the very start, I never experienced any intense physical attraction towards him – the type that makes you want to rip someone’s clothes off. It just wasn’t there. Rob has always had an undeniable allure – everyone thinks he’s the most gorgeous man. Yet… I didn’t feel it and over time I began to wonder if there was something flawed within me that prevented me from experiencing such feelings.

Meanwhile, Adele had already broken up with her girlfriend of nine years and was patiently waiting for me. I withdrew more and more from Rob. I couldn’t be alone with him in the lounge room. I’d go to my bedroom, close the door and shut off completely – emotionally, physically, everything.

I remember the last time Rob and I had sex. I was unable to fully surrender myself to the experience.

One night, I shut myself off within the confines of the bedroom, and shortly after, he appeared at the entrance, leaning against the doorway.

‘You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on, what is happening,’ he said.

I had an out of body experience – I felt like I was on the ceiling looking down at myself, and suddenly said, ‘I don’t want to have sex with you anymore. I can’t have sex with you.’

‘Do you want to have sex with someone else, with another man?’ he asked.

I told him no.

‘Do you want to have sex with a woman?’

‘Yes… I think that’s what I want to do,’ I replied.

‘Is it Adele?’

Unbeknownst to me, he’d already put two and two together. He said, ‘It’s okay. I get it.’ And together, we both released a flood of tears and embraced each other tightly in a moment that felt like forever.

We started talking freely and I divulged every intricate detail of my innermost thoughts and feelings, including my past experiences, all the fears and reservations that had been holding me back. It was a turning point for us, and our relationship blossomed into an entirely new level of profound communication.

Telling him was an agonising, gut-wrenching decision that I was sure would make my world fall apart. I thought no one would understand, that my kids would hate me, and my parents would think I had completely lost it. The idea of disrupting our strong family unit was a reality I couldn’t imagine. But my gut told me it would be worth it.

Adele and I plunged into an intense long-distance relationship right before Covid hit. She’d gone back to Germany and we were kept from each other due to international border closures, and to be perfectly honest, it was an utterly horrendous experience. One that felt so cruel. I still find it hard to fathom how we managed to pull it off at the time.

Initially, I believed that leaving Rob and confessing to those close to me about my new path in life would be the most daunting task. However, that was nothing compared to the arduous challenge of sustaining a long-distance relationship amid the harsh realities of the Covid pandemic.

What I soon discovered was that it wasn’t just Covid that has made our situation difficult. Adele is a free-spirited adventurer who enjoys exploring new places and working in diverse environments. She takes up bartending gigs and loves to snowboard, and her energy enthrals everyone who crosses her path, be it males or females. In stark contrast, there’s me – a stay-at-home suburban mum with two kids and a daily school drop-off routine. This difference in lifestyles has made it challenging for us to connect on the same wavelength.

She also really struggles with my continued closeness with Rob. She recently told me she doesn’t feel like Rob and I have separated enough. And it’s true, we are still so deep in each other’s lives – we’re interwoven financially and emotionally, and of course there’s the kids, so we help each other out all the time. I can understand her perspective, it would be hard for anyone to break into our little sphere. But I’m so protective of it and my priority is my kids. So far, they’ve managed to get out of this unscathed – they’ve barely noticed that their parents aren’t together anymore, and that’s so important.

Adele and I were in constant communication, exchanging messages incessantly throughout the day. A million texts back and forth, ‘I miss you’, ‘I love you’ – and it was exhausting. Even though my love for her was unwavering, I reached a point where I simply couldn’t bear the constant pressure, and we ultimately decided to take a break.

We didn’t speak for months, spending time reassessing our relationship and our lives, and pondering whether it was viable to continue – and we’ve decided to give it one more go. We’re meeting in Thailand in around a month for two weeks and we’ll just allow events to unfold naturally. We love each other so much – it’s undeniable. Our love is something we can’t control but the logistics are so hard because we’re two adults, grown humans established in our lives. We’re no longer young and adaptable enough to take spontaneous leaps – everyone’s rooted in their systems. It’s a really sad situation and if things don’t work out, I’ll grieve the loss for the rest of my life. But I’m prepared to come to terms with that possibility, and I’ll never have any regrets. I’d rather be alone and content in my own skin than continue living in the darkness of uncertainty. All the struggles and tribulations are worth it because I’ve finally found my true identity.

As I reflect on who I was before Adele, it’s like looking at a different person altogether. Joy is now my baseline emotion and I find myself bursting out in a smile while waiting at the school gate, overwhelmed with genuine happiness. Adele has given me the liberation, lightness and joy that I never knew existed. It’s a feeling that I will cherish forever, even if it doesn’t work out between us.

As a mother, I am conscious of the example I set for my daughter. I don’t want her to settle for a mediocre relationship just because it’s considered ‘good enough’. I want her to know that she deserves to be happy and fulfilled in all aspects of her life.

My experiences have also made me question societal norms and the belief in monogamy as the only way to have a committed relationship. Not the concept of committed relationships themselves, but the belief of being with the same person for your entire life. I don’t align with the idea of being with one person for my entire life. Now I understand that there’s a reason