Emotional Intelligence Game Changers: 101 Simple Ways to Win at Work + Life

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Develop self-awareness

Self-awareness is the keystone of emotional intelligence, according to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ.

Before we can make changes in ourselves, we need to know who we are now. The Dalai Lama summed it up when he said, To have greater self-awareness or understanding means to have a better grasp of reality. While self-awareness lies at the root of emotional intelligence, acquiring it is a lifelong journey. Here are several actions you, as a leader, can take to develop your self-awareness.

Write down your emotions

While it is difficult to remember all the emotions you went through during the day, writing them down is helpful. Chris Kneeland, CEO of advisory firm Cult Collective, said he always used to say I think instead of I feel. He continued, Just giving myself permission to acknowledge my emotions and accept that feelings are as important as knowledge was a big step for me.

Become aware of what triggers you and why

We are constantly being triggered, but often it goes under our radar. Perhaps someone or something you have a strong reaction to reminds you of past persons or events. Dr. Rick Brandon, author of Straight Talk: Influence Skills for Collaboration and Commitment, recommends whenever you are triggered, you stop to examine your self-talk—that little voice in your head that programs your brain. Remember: as with any programming, it’s garbage in, garbage out.

Avoid making judgments about emotions

We can feel guilty for having what we consider bad emotions. However, emotions are neither good nor bad; they are just giving us information. What we do with them is what matters. Try to understand what your emotions are telling you without making any judgment about them.

Feel the discomfort and do it anyway

It may be difficult to look at your emotions because that action can produce many levels of discomfort. If this happens, recognize that you are doing important work and that this kind of work is not easy.

Check how you show up physically

How do you show up physically when you are experiencing strong emotions? Have a look in the mirror and see if you can spot your emotions as reflected in your face and body posture. Is there a connection between your physical appearance and how you feel?

Increase your feelings vocabulary

Even though we have many and various levels of emotion, we are usually only conscious of a few. Tools like Plutchik’s wheel of emotions will help expand your awareness. Recognizing an emotion and saying it out loud brings it clearly into your consciousness and helps you to manage that emotion more effectively.

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Boost your emotional intelligence

People don’t leave their jobs; they leave their bosses.

Years ago, people were promoted based on their knowledge and skills. Little thought was given to their ability to develop strong relationships with others in order to work effectively with them. Some call this people skills, soft skills, or emotional intelligence. No matter the term, the ability to communicate and motivate others has become a skill set increasingly sought in leadership positions. Hiring and developing this in leaders is crucial to the long-term success of any organization. Here are seven reasons for leaders to boost their emotional intelligence.

Increase self-awareness

Being aware of our emotions, how they affect us, and how we come across to others is crucial for any healthy relationship. Strong leaders will continue to develop themselves and be open to feedback—exhibiting vulnerability when called for. This increases their ability to connect with others, build trust, and get the most from everyone around them.

Build effective relationships with others

Most successful leaders work hard to overcome personal bias, inflated egos, and self-focus. Instead of taking things personally, emotionally intelligent leaders work to see things from the other person’s perspective, allowing them to build the type of relationships that make people feel valued and appreciated, and want to stay.

Increase communication and listening skills

Many people complain that they are not heard and listened to in their workplace. In conversations, instead of listening closely for understanding, many try to think of a response. In contrast, strong leaders listen to those around them and let them know that they are heard, that their opinions and ideas are valued. Leaders with high emotional intelligence are aware of the impact of their words, tone of voice, and body language.

Increase empathy

The ability to understand others and empathize with them might well be the most important leadership skill. People are constantly challenged by highly stressful situations, both at work and outside. Death, illness in the family, divorce and relationship breakups, and many other events significantly affect our ability to function at work. Leaders strong in empathy are able to recognize and effectively navigate these situations that call for a caring support of their people while at the same time minimizing disruption at the organization. During difficult times, empathic leaders can make the difference between a valued employee bonding more closely with the organization or deciding it is time to move on.

Build teamwork and cooperation

Strong leaders smooth out and overcome the inevitable conflicts that arise when a group of people work together. They look for opportunities to encourage and praise others in the organization for their successes. More importantly, leaders know how to respond when things aren’t going well. They look for solutions and lessons instead of apportioning blame. Excellent leaders also promote collaboration.

Model healthy emotional management

Leaders who manage their emotions set a healthy and positive example for the organization. They connect and build positive relationships, setting a standard for others to emulate. This builds trust and creates a positive image of the company as a great place to work.

Articulate a shared vision for the organization

A healthy workplace spends less time on conflict, backstabbing, and destructive politics, thus freeing up energy toward shared goals. Leaders who articulate a vision that is shared by everyone will spend more time on the work needed to grow the organization. When everyone is driven by a shared cause, there is no need for micromanagement. Employees will feel empowered to use their talents and gifts toward the united goal.

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Hone the art of influencing others

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. —Maya Angelou, poet and civil rights activist

Real influence rarely comes from title or position. It comes from understanding people and their deepest, most fundamental wants and needs. Everyone at some level wants to be heard, understood, and appreciated. By understanding these basic needs, and keeping them in mind when dealing with others, you can increase your influence. Here are several ways to do so.

Develop listening abilities

Whether or not you agree with someone, everyone has a need to be heard. That means you must carefully listen. Most people are busy thinking of a response, a rebuttal, or what they want to talk about instead of actively paying attention. One way of increasing listening skills is to repeat in your own words what someone just said. If you’re not clear, ask questions. Good listening requires us to overcome the urge to think ahead to what we want to say and stay focused on the person speaking.

Follow nonverbal cues

When two people are intensely connected in conversation they tend to model each other’s nonverbal cues such as smiling, moving toward the other, and making eye contact. But we can also make a conscious effort to model these cues; and when we do so, the person we are speaking with becomes even more open to our ideas. Their comfort level increases when they feel that we get them.

Recognize the accomplishments of others

Everyone appreciates being acknowledged for something they did well and have pride in. Acknowledging those accomplishments with sincerity will ensure that you will be remembered in a positive vein—putting you in a category above all the people who haven’t seemed to notice.

Ask for advice from others

Everyone has an area of knowledge or expertise they are proud of, and asking them to share it gives their confidence a boost. This also raises your status level in their mind—again, you are someone who recognizes the value of what they have to offer.

Say their name and remember important details about them

Perhaps the most beautiful word is the sound of our own name. Remembering someone’s name and greeting them with it is influence 101. If someone remembers our name, it means we have made an impression, and that person made the effort to remember. The more significant information you can remember about people, the stronger impression you will make and the more influential you will become.

Look for common ground

Regardless of our differences, we can find something we share with virtually anyone. When we uncover that commonality, we can develop stronger connections and greater influence. In preparation for meeting with someone, try to discern an area of common interest. You’ll get the conversation off to a positive start and flowing in the right direction.

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Shrug off imposter syndrome

Actor Jodie Foster, after receiving an Oscar for best actress in The Accused, said she feared someone would come to her home and tell her she had been awarded the prize by mistake.

After pushing through your comfort zone, struggling, and persisting in your career goals, you finally arrive. You’ve accomplished something of great significance, something rewarding and desirable. By all accounts you should feel fantastic, on top of the world! Instead, you have a strange feeling that you don’t belong, that you will be found out and everyone will know you are a fraud. This is called imposter syndrome, and you are far from alone in this feeling. Many well-known, successful people from all walks of life have experienced the same. So how do you tame the monster whispering in your mind that you aren’t for real? Use these techniques to slay this beast of negativity.

Share your feelings with those you know will be supportive

Naming your fear—talking about it with those you trust—helps lessen the syndrome’s grip. Often these individuals will share similar experiences. They can also give you feedback on your capabilities and their positive perceptions of you.

Resist comparing yourself to others

Comparing yourself to others is a futile exercise. There will always be people who are ahead of you and behind you. Everyone’s journey is different and yours is uniquely yours. Instead of looking at someone else’s accomplishments, focus on how far you’ve come and strive for continuous improvement over your former self.

Don’t take yourself too seriously

Writer and artist Elbert Hubbard, known for his pithy wit, once said, Do not take yourself too seriously. You will never get out of it alive! A great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at ourselves make everything in life go more smoothly. They help prevent us from feeling overwhelmed by our achievements and keep our disappointments in perspective.

Remind yourself that no one is perfect

Perfectionists set themselves up for continuous frustration because they will never be able to master this unachievable level. Look at life as a journey with ups and downs, successes and failures. Remind yourself that even the most successful people have failed at some point in their lives, often numerous times. Strive to be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with people who are gentle as well. Consider a failure as a learning opportunity, and you’re less likely to repeat the error.

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Develop a challenge culture at work

According to Vip Sandhir, CEO and founder of HighGround, creating a challenge culture is key to an organization’s growth and success, as well as its employee engagement.

Getting smart people within your organization to offer feedback and challenge ideas doesn’t happen overnight. As a leader, you must be willing to receive or seek advice that is essential to the success of your organization. And in today’s highly competitive, fast-moving environment, businesses need everyone—and their ideas—on board. To help your organization start heading in the right direction, consider these ways to develop a challenge culture at work.

Foster the right environment

When creating your company’s culture, make it clear that employees are free to challenge ideas at all levels. In fact, it’s expected of them. Scott Kelly, chief human resource officer of Hitachi Data Systems, says, From day one on the job, new employees are not just encouraged, but expected to be self-starters with a solution-oriented mindset. Kelly says employees are empowered to challenge the status quo.

Build a culture of trust

To ensure honest, timely, and effective feedback, all employees must trust management and each other. This starts at the top with leaders who not only talk the talk but also walk the walk. If employees see any sign of a leader’s unwillingness to be challenged—or feel that their own ideas and feedback are not welcomed—they won’t be willing to share them. By demonstrating that they not only seek fresh, different ideas but are also willing to act on them, leaders let everyone know it’s OK to challenge management and each other. At the same time, Kelly says, In our fast-paced world, decisions have to be made, and we can’t always wait for a common consensus. In those cases, trust wins out, with employees committing to the new direction.

Appreciate when employees make efforts and take risks

Organizations that are constantly looking to improve are naturally more open to being challenged by employees at all levels. But one of the easiest ways to kill a challenge culture is to incite fear around taking risks and failing. When it comes to taking risks, failure is inevitable, but being punished for doing so doesn’t have to be. Eliminate this mentality from your business by giving praise and appreciation to employees who put forth their best effort and try something new—even if things didn’t work out as planned. Instead of scrutinizing failure, focus on the learning experience that resulted.

Establish and share accountability

Empowering others to challenge and offer input doesn’t work unless they are held accountable. In this new model of operation, everyone must take ownership and responsibility when things go well—as well as when they don’t. While employees used to be able to blame management when things went awry, that can no longer be the case under a challenge culture. To encourage this behavior, management can openly share credit for decisions that worked well and acknowledge their failures. By encouraging leaders to take responsibility, employees will be much more likely to do so too.

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Become more persuasive

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. —Benjamin Franklin, writer, scientist, and inventor

Many people believe the way to persuade others is to win an argument or to pick out flaws in their way of thinking and their perspective. Persuasion does not work this way. While we may temporarily force or entice others to see or do things our way, they will revert to their old ways of thinking as soon as the enticement we are offering disappears. Some people believe we are born with the power of persuasion: some have it and some don’t. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like all skills and competencies, you can develop persuasion through continual practice and refinement of tried-and-true skills and behaviors. You can increase your ability to be more persuasive through these means.

Avoid arguing or trying to force your thoughts on others

When you argue with someone or they feel coerced, they will naturally become defensive and erect barriers. This will work counter to your persuasive efforts. Instead, allow the other person to feel that they are in control of the situation by inviting them to talk while you actively listen.

Look for points of connection

While the other person is speaking, listen for opportunities to agree and connect. See if you can get insights into their values and the