Embrace the Middle

Praise For Embrace the Middle

Dr. Kaufmann writes beautifully, with a lovely, insightful, supportive, helpful, and warm tone. And about an under-discussed, important, and widely relevant topic. This is a useful, wonderful book!

Rick Hansen, PhD,

author of Hardwiring Happiness and Buddha’s Brain

Embrace the Middle offers a research-based, practical guide for women who are ready to be whole—to integrate presence, compassion, and embodied wisdom. Dr. Kaufmann guides us to ease into the many moving parts of midlife without the struggle. Sparkles of insight, even genius, mark the integration of our many parts with the wisdom of age.

Margaret Moore, MBA, Founder and CEO,

Wellcoaches Corporation; Co-Founder/Chair Institute of Coaching

A book that every woman will want to share with her sisters and friends—and that every loving man who wants to understand his wife as she gets older must read.

Ken Druck, PhD,

author of Courageous Aging and How We Go On

Embrace the Middle is more than a book—it is a movement rejecting the negative narratives so many women internalize about aging. Blending her expertise in deep meditation practice with insights informed by original research on over 600 women worldwide, Kaufmann encourages embracing the inevitable evolutions of midlife with grace and authenticity while unlocking your wisdom, power, and potential to truly blossom.

Diana Chapman, Co-Founder,

The Conscious Leadership Group

Embrace the Middle is a beautifully written inspirational guide to the varied experiences of midlife. Dr. Kaufmann shares her expertise and provides reassurance and helpful tools for traversing the terrain of the middle years. Readers will identify with and learn from the many stories she tells based on her own valuable experiences and those of the women she interviewed.

Margie E. Lachman, PhD,

Fierman Professor of Psychology and

Director of the Lifespan Lab, Brandeis University

In her brilliantly written book, Embrace the Middle, Shayna Kaufmann shares with us a comprehensive look at the challenges and joys of women’s mid-years and provides us with a gentle and mindful system to deepen our experiences. Shayna’s rich professional and spiritual background shines through in these pages as she encourages readers to be present to life’s moments with love and compassion. As she shares her own challenges along with the those of other women, the reader gains a unique insight into one’s own current attitudes toward these transformative years and is provided with practical ways to embrace them with acceptance, confidence, and joy. This book is a must read for any woman on the path of self-discovery!

Michele Hébert, Raja Yoga Guide,

author of The Tenth Door

In my four decades of therapy practice, I’ve supported countless women navigating the complexities of midlife. Embrace The Middle is a book I dearly wish I had to offer them during those years. It beautifully amalgamates cutting-edge developmental science, accessible spirituality, and poignant narratives of real women’s experiences. Kaufmann seamlessly interlaces her own midlife journey with those of others, crafting a tapestry of relatable stories that capture the essence of the heroine’s quest. From career peaks to empty nests, from bodily changes to the deep yearning for self-love, the book explores the myriad challenges and joys of this pivotal stage.

Norma Burton, CEO,

Journey to Completion Healing Center, author of Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Living

At long last the stigma of midlife stands a chance to be removed for generations to come. Dr. Shayna Kaufmann’s Embrace the Middle addresses this stage of life with the dignity, honor, and curiosity that it deserves. Her use of humor, original research, authenticity, and her own raw vulnerability not only engage the reader from the start, but place her in your heart as a trusted source and friend. Her SOFTT method is a practical and accessible tool to use anytime and anywhere. Thank you, Shayna, for revealing this stage of life for all that it is and has the potential to be.

Kate Byrne, Co-Founder,

The Tulle Box, and Good Light Capital

Dr. Kaufmann does a masterful job capturing the essence of The Middle and uses her expertise, intuitive insights, and research to demonstrate how to embrace this vital phase of life. Her SOFTT tool gives you step-by-step guidance to disengage from your thoughts, in the moment, improving and expanding your perspective and outcomes. I will keep a copy of this book with me as a constant reminder of what is possible.

Kelley Kurtzman, Former CSO,

Verizon Executive

Embrace the Middle is a wonderful reminder of the ways women benefit from allowing life to change them rather than trying to cling to their youth. Dr. Kaufmann listens carefully to the experiences of women and encourages them to authentically give voice to the gifts they have to share as they live in the middle chapter of their life. She mixes tools from various resources and offers her own SOFTT practice in a manner that helps us cope with everyday life challenges. She creates a clear pathway for women to recognize their offering and return to confidence in themselves as they move forward in the years ahead.

Diane Moore, Teacher,

Santa Rosa Zen Group

Embrace the Middle offers the same transformative impact Dr. Kaufmann demonstrates in her teachings and workshops. Her profound personal insights and practical techniques are accessible to all. I highly recommend Embrace the Middle for anyone seeking to explore a compassionate and illuminating approach to life’s changes, joys, and challenges.

Jodie Grenier, CEO,

Foundation for Women Warriors

Embrace the Middle

A Woman’s Guide to Mindfully

Navigating the Challenges, Celebrating the Joys,

and Finding Power in Midlife

Shayna Gothard Kaufmann, PhD

Copyright © 2024 by Shayna Gothard Kaufmann

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.

Limits of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representation with respect to the accuracy or completes of the contents of this book. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation.

Neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician or mental health professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

EMBRACE THE MIDDLE

A Woman’s Guide to Mindfully Navigating the Challenges, Celebrating the Joys, and Finding Power in Midlife

By Shayna Gothard Kaufmann

1. BODY, MIND & SPIRIT / Mindfulness & Meditation

2. SELF-HELP / Aging

3. SEL016000 SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Happiness

ISBN: 979-8-88636-044-8 (paperback)

ISBN: 979-8-88636-045-5 (ebook)

Cover design by Lewis Agrell

Printed in the United States of America

Authority Publishing

13389 Folsom Blvd #300-256

Folsom, CA 95630

800-877-1097

www.AuthorityPublishing.com

Dedication

To Eric, Tara, and Maya,

Words cannot convey my depth of love and

gratitude for the three of you.

You are my greatest source of inspiration, pride, and joy.

To Mom, Dad, and Eddie,

My profound sorrow over your passings is commensurate

with my love for you each.

Your departures taught me how to fully grieve,

fully live, and fully love.

Contents

Introduction

Part 1: What is Embracing & What is The Middle?

Chapter 1. The Illuminating Hot Flash

Chapter 2. Thanks for Asking

Chapter 3. What the Heck is The Middle?

Chapter 4. Introducing SOFTT

Part 2: What to Embrace

Chapter 5. Midlife Challenges

Chapter 6. Applying SOFTT to the Challenges

Chapter 7. Midlife Gifts

Chapter 8. Applying SOFTT to the Gifts

Part 3: Changing the Midlife Paradigm

Chapter 9. The Ands of Midlife

Chapter 10. Our Collective Wisdom

Chapter 11. How to Change the Paradigm

Appendices

Appendix 1. Survey Factors

Appendix 2. Additional Research Findings

Appendix 3. Interviewees’ Book Recommendations

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Introduction

It was a beautiful summer evening in 2015. The soft dusk light was accentuated by a gentle breeze and the magical sounds of a nearby string quartet. The scene took place at a gala, where I was happily sipping a delicious, chilled Prosecco while chatting with two women whom I had just met. We smiled widely at one another, as a waiter refilled our wine glasses, and eagerly accepted another round of stuffed mushrooms. It was a perfect evening.

That is, it was perfect until one of the women turned to me and asked the customary, So what do you do? My mood instantly plummeted, I felt a familiar discomfort spring up in my stomach, and I am certain that my happy smile disappeared.

After hesitating, I flatly replied, I’m a forensic psychologist. I evaluate criminal defendants. Their reactions were expected and familiar. Wow! said one and Tell me more! replied the other as she scanned the area looking for a waiter to top off our wine glasses. Both women even moved a few inches closer, as if eagerly awaiting my next words.

To be fair, I enjoyed this kind of interest in my twenties and thirties, when my work was intellectually stimulating and exciting. I liked debunking popular myths while answering people’s curious questions. Are you ever scared? some asked. Yes, I answered. There have been a few times when I felt uneasy, and even scared, but nothing ever happened to me. Is it hard being around murderers and rapists? others asked. Sometimes, I would reply, especially the unrepentant sex offenders. But I get to know their entire story, and put that in context of their offenses. One even asked, Are you like that woman on CSI? No, I’d say. And I definitely don’t look or dress like her. I intentionally wear modest and bland clothing to not attract any extra attention.

But alas, I had changed over the decades, and with my evolution, my relationship to my work had changed as well. I quickly learned that my clients, whom I had seen more as subjects, were human beings with deeply sorrowful childhoods and life courses. Seldom were their situations cut-and-dry; their backstories contained significant factors that contributed to their behavior. And their poor choices had profound ripple effects. I was usually sad, and often disturbed, when I left my interviews with clients.

My work became more challenging in my late thirties, when I became a mother to my two beautiful daughters, Tara and Maya. I was in awe of them and of motherhood. My girls were surrounded by love and care and had lives of privileged opportunity ahead of them. The contrast was so very stark between my daughters’ fortunate upbringing and my clients’ common histories of trauma, familial drug addiction, and limited resources. Motherhood was fun, bright, and hopeful. My work was difficult, dark, and depressing.

My meditation practice, which I started when my daughters were one and three, added another layer of deep contrast to my professional world. Meditation opened up an unexpected Pandora’s box of tools and personal insights. I was introduced to practices like lovingkindness, staying with discomfort, and observing my crazy monkey mind. Meditation was an exciting, fresh, and hopeful approach to life, and it offered a path to my lifelong soul-searching. I started meditating with increasing regularity, meeting with my teachers weekly, and attending several meditation retreats per year. I had no idea how powerful the seemingly simple act of sitting still could be, nor that it would become a cornerstone of both my life and future work.

The distaste for the darkness of my forensic work grew in direct proportion to my love of motherhood and meditation. By my mid-forties, that distaste turned to dread. Going to jails began to feel like my own form of incarceration. I recall driving to work, fantasizing what it would feel like if this were my last case (definitely not a good thought to have on the way to work). I felt weighed down as I walked the dank, isolated corridors, through the gray metal doors that loudly locked behind me. I was relieved when my interviews were over. Oddly, I also felt a sense of guilt as my clients watched me exit through doors that unlocked for me, while they remained handcuffed to a table.

That jolt of discomfort I experienced when talking with those women at the gala was due to me feeling wildly inauthentic with regards to my profession. My chosen work was not just stale; it had begun to suck the life force out of me. I was being disingenuous to myself and my clients, by staying in a career I had long outgrown. With my fiftieth birthday looming, it was imperative that I make a change soon. Otherwise, it would be a lifelong regret.

I had an aha moment during a meditation retreat a few months after that gala, which sparked my next professional endeavor. The inspiration was, of all things, a menopausal hot flash. I discovered in real time that when I was mindfully present to my hot flash, it was far more helpful than my usual response of cursing and dramatically fanning myself. This present hot flash experience led to the epiphany that accepting, rather than rejecting, inevitable midlife changes could potentially bring more ease, or even joy, into those decades.

And I was not just thinking about menopause. I was envisioning my aging parents, my daughters in their waning years of high school, and my literal expanding middle. In that moment, on the meditation cushion, I imagined starting a company dedicated to helping women more gracefully navigate midlife transitions. I would call it Embrace the Middle.

Little did I know that the multitude of midlife events I anticipated happening down the road would much sooner become my heartbreaking reality. In 2018, my mother, Jackie, died suddenly and unexpectedly from heart disease. In 2020, my father, Sol, succumbed to a courageous two-month battle with cancer. A mere seven months later, while I was still reeling from my father’s death, my brother, Eddie, who was one of my best friends, and with whom I had just ushered out my father, also died suddenly and unexpectedly. Within the same window of losing my parents and brother, I made the difficult choice to discontinue practicing meditation with my long-term Zen teacher. That was a different kind of loss, yet still profound. I was overcome with grief.

I felt like one of those stand-up inflatable figures that gets knocked down, slowly wobbles back upright, only to get knocked down, again and again and again. There were many days when the tears would not relent and many nights when I had panic attacks as I lay in bed, fearful of receiving another dreaded, middle-of-the-night phone call.

This profound assault of midlife trials challenged me to walk the talk of gentle presence. I did my best to accept and stay present to my feelings and to life, rather than bury my sorrow or disappear into a cloud of detached grief.

Loved ones’ deaths were just one part of those pivotal years. In the midst of those losses, I helped both of my daughters launch from the nest. One headed to Europe for a gap year and two