Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing

HAMBURGER CASSEROLE FOR WHEN NOBODY LOVES YOU AND NEVER WILL

You will need:

½ lb. ground beef

2 cans condensed

tomato soup

½ box egg noodles

DVD of Kramer vs. Kramer

or Terms of Endearment

1 onion, chopped

American cheese slices,

orange variety

Salt and pepper

Go to the video store and rent something sad. Terms of Endearment is a good one or Kramer vs. Kramer.

Once home, preheat oven to 400°F. Brown beef in a pan. Add onions and sauté until beef is cooked and onions translucent. Boil noodles (duh). After you drain noodles, change into your fanciest outfit, since you are unlikely ever to get an opportunity to wear it in public.

In a large bowl, combine condensed soup and beef-and-onion mix. Add noodles and season with salt and pepper. Pour into a baking dish and top with cheese singles. Bake until cheese is melted and bubbly. Eat. Cry. Eat more while watching Kramer vs. Kramer. Cry some more. Eat the rest. Repeat for next fifty to seventy years, depending on age and life expectancy.

DRUNK AND DISORDERLY DONUT PUDDING

You will need:

1 box donuts, any variety

2 cups milk

¼ tsp. salt

3 egg yolks

cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Once released from lockup, stop by donut store. Do not take donuts from the station house, as police tend to be territorial about their pastries. When home, preheat oven to 350°F.

Break donuts into large chunks. Warm milk together with salt in a small pot. Vow, with absolute sincerity, that you will never ever drink again. Place donut chunks in baking dish. Check fridge to see if you have any beer. You do. Natch. Have one.

Beat egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla. (Don’t bother with the electric mixer: a fork will do.) Drizzle into milk, then pour egg mixture over donuts. Put baking dish in a water bath (a larger dish filled partway with water) and bake for 45 minutes.

While it’s cooking, enjoy three or four more beers, as desired. Then prank call the officers who busted you last night; tell them you found Mike Oxlong’s wallet. Hang up. Enjoy more beer, as available. Take donut pudding out of oven; eat directly from baking dish. Pass out.

When you wake up, go down to precinct and tell the arresting officers in person what they can do with their warrants.

Repeat.

BABY WON’T STOP CRYING NACHOS SUPREME

You will need:

1 bag corn chips

1 container sour cream

1 Tbs. horseradish

1 jar salsa

½ lb. Monterey jack cheese,

shredded

½ lb. white cheddar cheese,

shredded

Chili powder

Put baby down gently, fighting urge to shake it. Preheat oven to 350°F. Using your most soothing voice, talk to baby, explaining that you are making nachos. Spread chips on baking sheet. Tell baby that nachos are a delicious treat that someday she will enjoy, particularly in college—if she makes it to college. Realize baby does not understand you—seems, in fact, to cry louder at the sound of your voice. Wonder if baby will always be ungrateful.

Top chips with shredded cheeses and sprinkle with chili powder. Put in oven. Mix horseradish with sour cream.

When cheese is melted, remove from oven. Pick baby up and begin to pace, rocking and bouncing her in intervals of four to ten minutes or until back gives out. Enjoy nachos with sides of sour cream and salsa. Curse generic condom manufacturer for its substandard product.

OCD BLT

You will need:

Ziplock bags

Cleanser with bleach

Alternate cleanser with bleach

Bacon

Ruler

Butter lettuce

Antibacterial soap

White bread

Mayonnaise

Alternate antibacterial soap

Tomato

Begin by blowing hard on all surfaces of kitchen to get rid of any germs that may have recently settled there. Wash hands. Use cleanser No. 1 to clean cleanser No. 2; then use cleanser No. 2 to clean all surfaces in kitchen, including bottoms of chairs and table legs. Place both cleansers in clean ziplock bags. Wash hands, being mindful of under-fingernail germs. Throw soap in garbage.

Remove bacon package from refrigerator and quickly trace brand name logo with finger. Remove skillet from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Wash hands. Using ruler, place desired number of bacon strips in skillet exactly ¾ of an inch apart, and cook over medium heat. Wash hands. Remove bread from ziplock bag; quickly trace brand name logo with finger. You must do this fast! Faster! If not fast enough, use hand to slap self. Wash hands.

Place two slices of white bread in toaster and set dial to 6. Wash hands. Remove tomato from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Slice two exactly identical rounds from innermost portion of tomato (you may have to use several tomatoes to achieve identical widths). Discard remainder of tomato(es). Wash hands. Remove lettuce from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Remove two pieces of exactly identical color from interior portion of lettuce, discarding rest. Use ruler to cut lettuce into perfect ¾-inch squares.

Wash hands.

Remove mayonnaise from refrigerator, take out of ziplock bag, and discard bag. Quickly, using finger—really quickly—trace mayonnaise logo, really fast. Wash hands. Smear mayonnaise on bread; top with bacon, lettuce, and tomato; measure into perfect halves using ruler and cut. Wash hands.

Count to seventy-three as fast as you can. If you stumble on a number, you must begin again. This can take anywhere from thirty seconds to four hours. Enjoy sandwich. Wash hands.

BEST FRIEND IS A TOTAL BITCH GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH

You will need:

Two slices sourdough bread

Butter, lots of it

Cheese, any variety,

but Gruyère rules

Bacon

As you stand there wondering why she can’t just swear that she didn’t sleep with your boyfriend—how hard is that question?—slice cheese (much like you would like to slice her throat). Saying she didn’t and acting all indignant is not the same as swearing on her mother’s life. And she’s such a bitch for refusing to swear on her mother’s life and for acting like you did something wrong by asking her to do it.

In a skillet, melt enough butter to coat pan. Place one slice of bread in skillet and top with cheese, bacon, more cheese, and bread. Push down on sandwich with spatula as you play the conversation out for the fiftieth time:

You: So why is everyone saying that you slept with my boyfriend?

Former BFF: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

You: Are you kidding me?

Former BFF: No.

You: Like, everybody’s been saying that you totally hooked up with him.

Former BFF: Ew. No. I would never. In the first place, I wouldn’t do that to you, and, in the second place, he is so not hot.

You: Why are you such a bitch?

Former BFF: Oh am I? I’m a bitch because your boyfriend is a dog and cheats on you?

You: Why can’t you just swear on it?

Former BFF: Don’t insult me.

You: Just swear. Swear on the life of your mother.

Former BFF: Whatever!

Flip sandwich, adding more butter to the pan. Press down to crisp up bottom. Think for a moment that perhaps she didn’t sleep with him. Decide that is impossible—the bitch is a total slut, and she’s always been jealous of you. When cheese is melted and both sides browned, turn onto a plate and enjoy. Call boyfriend to see if he wants to hang out later.

THE WHOLE OFFICE READ YOUR JOURNAL YUMMY OATMEAL MUFFINS

You will need:

1 egg

1 cup buttermilk

½ cup brown sugar

½ cup oil

1 cup quick-cooking oats

1 cup flour

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. salt

½ tsp. baking soda

A person with the same

name as you

Another boring day at the office. Oh! Here comes Laurie from accounting. She’s smiling—she must have a good joke. What’s this? She hands you a familiar-looking book. This was in with the fact sheets in the copy room, she says with a grin. You smile back but can hardly conceal your sense of dread. She leaves, and eventually you dare to look at the book in your hands. It is, indeed, the journal you lost over a year ago.

If you can’t fake a dentist appointment, put aside all thoughts of your innermost confessions having become fodder for the office gossip mill until the end of the workday.

Once safely home, preheat oven to 400°F. Place muffin cups into a muffin pan. Open journal to see exactly what everyone knows about you. Read:

Dear Diary,

The new boss arrived today. His name is Steven, and he is super sexy. He has really wavy dark hair and strong shoulders. I just know he’s going to totally turn the department around. Maybe he’ll give me a special project to work on! That would show Laurie from accounting. She always treats me like a complete idiot. She’s such a bitch.

In a medium-size bowl, beat egg and stir in milk, sugar, and oil. Beat again to combine. Read:

Dear Diary,

I had such horrible diarrhea all day long and had to keep running to the toilet. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I got some poop on the floor of the bathroom—I think because I literally had to run in there ’cause I was about to explode, and when I whipped down my pants, I think I was already going. I thought I made it in time, but I guess some leaked onto the floor. Anyway, when I stood up, sure enough, I slipped and landed on my rear, in the poo, on the floor, like a fish outta water. It got all over my pants. I tried to scrub it out and ended up sopping wet, with a huge stain. I had to quickly run