Cocksure

1

DINO TOMASSO BRAKED BEFORE THE HIGH, FAMILIAR gates with the coupling snakes woven into the wrought iron. It was not necessary for him to show a pass, but he had to wait, drumming his three-fingered left hand against the steering wheel, while the armed, black-uniformed guard threw the lever that opened the gates and waved Tomasso’s AC Cobra 427 through. Tomasso turned into the winding, cypress-lined driveway, whistling happily until he spotted Laughton sitting by the poolside.

Laughton, one of several doctors attached to the Star Maker’s medical unit, was drinking with Gail, a pretty nurse in a bikini. Time for a quick snort? he asked.

No. Sorry, Tomasso said, his voice wobbly.

How you keeping?

"Lousy. Honestly."

Hold on a minute. With a wink for Gail, Laughton whipped out an eye chart from under his towel and pointed a swizzle stick at the fifth line: U F J Z B H Q A. Let’s go, he said.

Tomasso reached for a tissue and wiped his forehead and the back of his thick, pleated neck. He squinted. I’ll try my best. J, he said, T Y Z B … um … S … N … How am I doing?

You’re faking, you bastard.

You mean, Tomasso said, radiating innocence, I may need glasses?

Gail shrieked with laughter.

You’re a card, Dino, Laughton said, you really are.

Tomasso laughed too, but ingratiatingly, without smiling. How’s tricks? he asked.

Laughton indicated the blinking red light and locked doors of the mobile operating theater. The Star Maker’s defrocked priest stood alongside, commiserating with one of the spare-parts men.

Oh, no, Tomasso said.

Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s all because of the new nurse.

Miss McInnes?

Bitch hadn’t been told about the deep-freeze.

She defrosted, Gail squealed.

Holy shit!

With trembling hand, Tomasso flicked the AC Cobra 427 into gear and sped toward the big house, pursued by their laughter. My God, my God, he thought, sliding out of the car, favoring his right leg, which was artificial.

The ageless, undying Star Maker reclined in his customary wheelchair. Behind, sending a shiver through Tomasso yet again, there loomed the familiar portrait of the pernicious Chevalier d’Éon, at once the Star Maker’s hero and heroine.

Do you know why I sent for you, Dino?

When Tomasso was summoned from Hollywood to the Star Maker’s mansion in Las Vegas, he calculated, not unreasonably, that he was at last to be designated crown prince of the empire. After all these years of sacrifice, he thought, unstinting labor and operations, he would be officially recognized heir apparent.

No, Tomasso lied hopefully.

We hope to acquire a publishing house and a film studio in England. I want you to go to London and look after my interests there.

Oh, no, this wasn’t making him crown prince. This was even worse than a demotion. It was banishment.

Tomasso, who had been raised in the motion picture business, knew that London was not where you sent an heir apparent to be tested – it was the place whereto you shipped schlemiels to make son-in-law movies.

Son-in-law movies were produced by a studio chief’s cousins, uncles, and sons-in-law, who had to be given something more than their fingers to twiddle: otherwise it wouldn’t look nice for the family. Once, Tomasso remembered, these retarded relations were put in charge of the popcorn concession or distribution to ozoners, but that became too big; then they were allowed to sell rerun rights to TV, but then that became too big too; and so finally they were sent to England with blessings. A new breed of remittance men. In London, making zero pictures with zero actors, they still cost the family money, but the losses were negligible.

I’m not going, Tomasso said defiantly.

In twenty-five years, Dino, you have never said no to me before.

Tomasso looked at the floor, steadying himself.

I have no heir. You are my son, Dino.

How many times had he heard that before? Raising his head, astonished at his own courage, Tomasso said, Go fuck yourself.

Slowly, slowly, the Star Maker raised hands to face, shielding the bad eye. In the pause that ensued Tomasso dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands, making them bleed.

Go … Why, you’re committing suicide, Dino.

Tomasso fell to his knees. Forgive me, Star Maker.

The Star Maker’s face creased. It was, Tomasso supposed, a smile. But why, Dino?

Oh, Star Maker, please, it’s just that I dared to dream of bigger things when you sent for me. The words leaped out. I didn’t mean it.

The Star Maker pressed a button, summoning his private secretary, Miss Mott. The Star Maker pressed another button and they were joined by two black-uniformed motorcycle riders.

Say it again, Dino.

I’d cut my tongue out first, Star Maker.

No, no. Miss Mott, get this down. I’ll want eight copies, witnessed and signed by Mr. Tomasso.

But it was a slip of the tongue, so help me. We don’t need witnesses.

It’s for your own protection, Dino.

Is it?

You said it to me first.

I’ve given you the best years of my life, Star Maker. Anything you asked, I did.

We’ll take it from the top. I said, quote, I want you to go to London and look after my interests there, unquote. You said, quote, I’m not going, unquote. I said, quote, I have no heir. You are my son, Dino, unquote. Then you said, quote …?

I said … I said … Maybe you heard me wrong, Star Maker?

"Come on, Dino. Then you said, quote?"

Trembling, Tomasso repeated what he had said.

Can you beat that? the Star Maker asked, actually laughing.

Miss Mott’s eyes widened.

I’m unwell, Tomasso said, sobbing. I was possessed.

To think that you’ve been with me all these years and I never suspected your true –

Tomasso seized the smaller of the Star Maker’s hands and kissed it.

Tell me, Dino, have you ever thought this before?

Never!

Keeping it to yourself all these years?

No!

There was another pause, before the Star Maker chuckled and asked, Say it once more, Dino.

I couldn’t. Just once.

The black-uniformed riders stepped closer to Tomasso. So he obliged, but in the smallest possible voice.

It’s amazing, the Star Maker said. Coming from you. How I’ve underestimated you all these years.…

What happens to me now, Star Maker?

But the Star Maker seemed to be lost in a reverie. Amazing.

What happens to me?

To you? Why, I want you to go to London, as I said. If, after six months there, you feel the same way about England, you can come back and pick up any job you want here.

You mean, Tomasso said incredulously, you’re giving me a second chance?

As long as I have no heir, you are my son, Dino. Will you go?

Will I go? Oh, Star Maker.

Take this file with you, then. Study it.

Oh, thank you, Tomasso said, fleeing.

The younger of the two black-uniformed riders unstrapped his gun. I’ll see to it, he said.

No, the other rider protested, it’s my turn.

Neither of you, the Star Maker said, will do any harm to Dino.

After what he said to you?

Because of what he said to me. Now beat it.

Tomasso, slumped behind the wheel of his Cobra 427, lit one cigarette off another, waiting for his heart to quiet. It was simply unknown for the Star Maker to give anyone a second chance, to forgive; therefore it must be true – the Star Maker, Blessed Be His Name, has not been mocking me all these years: I am like a son to him.

Whistling happily once more, Tomasso wheeled off the driveway, taking the left fork, a road which led to the villas by the lake where the favored stars were kept. He swept past the low-lying, windowless laboratory, turning left again when he came to the end of the humming fence; and, three miles down the road, he pulled in opposite the most elegant villa. The villa where Star Maker Productions’ most valuable property, its greatest, all-time favorite box-office Star, lived.

Might as well look in and say hello, Tomasso thought, as the Star’s next picture, a multimillion-dollar production, was to be made in England. In England. Maybe things are changing, Tomasso thought, his spirits rising still higher. Maybe a British production doesn’t have to be small beans any more.

Hi, Tomasso said, waving at the guard on duty. Where’s the big fella?

Resting, he said, puffing on his pipe.

Still?

Yeah.

Tomasso stopped short when he came upon two used starlets lying on the living-room rug. They were nude. God damn it, he said, turning indignantly on the guard, how long have you been with us?

All of thirty years.

Remember Goy-Boy II then, don’t you?

Of course, sir.

Then you certainly ought to know better. A pipe, he hissed, "in here? Live ashes!" And he yanked the pipe out of the guard’s mouth, flinging it through the open window.

Please don’t report me, sir.

Tomasso, the contrite guard following after, entered the Star’s bedroom without knocking and walked to the cupboard, where the Star was hanging. Tomasso pondered the Star for a long time, poking, pinching, looking him up and down. Finally, satisfied, he shut the cupboard door softly. He looks great.

He is great.

You said it. What’s the script like?

Great.

Great, Tomasso said. Now you be careful, will you? he added, stepping over the starlets.

Yes, sir.

Not until he had boarded the Star Maker’s Lear jet did Tomasso have time to consider the London file. The publishing firm the Star Maker was after was called Oriole; it was run by a lord. There were two senior editors, Hyman Rosen and Mortimer Griffin. Studying Griffin’s photograph, at twenty thousand feet, Tomasso decided he was going to be trouble. He felt it in his bones.

2

YOUR TIME IS OVER, THE BIG BLACK AFRICAN ON THE platform shouted, his smile lethal. You’re done for, you stupid white swine.

That’s the stuff, cried a man with a Welsh accent.

You Anglo-Saxon pigs, the African said, still grinning. You stupid British nits!

Before Mortimer could intervene, Miss Ryerson was shaking her umbrella at the African. Mr. Speaker, she began, with that in-built authority that had once been sufficient to make the fourth grade sit bolt upright, we decent, Godfearing people of British origin want to support you –

Har, the African growled, flashing pearly teeth.

– but when you stand up there, all cheekiness, it doesn’t give us much encouragement, you know.

Who in the hell wants you to support us, you stupid old woman!

Shoot, Agnes Laura Ryerson said to Mortimer.

The English are an insult to humanity, the speaker continued. The quicker they are liquidated the better.

A beet-faced gentleman, standing directly behind Mortimer and Miss Ryerson, touched his tweed cap, smiled, and said, These black chaps are splendidly uninhibited, don’t you think?

Somebody flung a half-peeled banana at the speaker. Another man shouted, "Tell us if you’re living here on National Assistance. With your three black wives and eighteen kiddies."

Mortimer took Miss Ryerson firmly by the arm, leading her across Oxford Street and to the Corner House, stopping to collect the Sunday Times for them to study at tea. Unfortunately Miss Ryerson picked up the magazine section first, opening it at the glistening all-but-nude photograph of a sensual pop singer, a young man caressing a cat. The singer wished to star in a film about the life of Christ. Jesus, he was quoted as saying, was no square. But a real groovy cat.

Migod, Mortimer thought. Sweet, silver-haired Agnes Laura Ryerson was his fourth-grade teacher from Caribou, Ontario, and he had tried his utmost to discourage her from making this sentimental journey. Miss Ryerson’s long-cherished fantasy picture of the mother country, more potent than any pot dream, was constructed almost entirely on literary foundations. Shakespeare, naturally, Jane Austen, The Illustrated London News, Kipling, Dickens, Beverly Baxter’s London Letters in Maclean’s.

Together Miss Ryerson and Mortimer scanned the theater listings. As she made appreciative noises over her scones, he persuaded her that the Royal Shakespeare Company’s latest venture into the theater of cruelty was not quite her cuppa. It’s vastly overrated, he insisted nervously.

Shoot. Miss Ryerson pursed her lips, displeased, inadvertently evoking for Mortimer the day she had given him five of the best on each hand for being caught with a copy of Nana in his desk. She simply had to go to the theater every night, she explained, for she had undertaken to write a weekly Letter from London for the Presbyterian Church-Monitor of Southern Ontario. What do you know, she asked, about this one?

This one was a tender domestic comedy about a homosexual couple.

Um, well, it’s a bit naughty, I’m told.

They settled on a farce for Tuesday night. Monday, one of Mortimer’s lecture nights, was out, unfortunately.

Oriole Press, where Mortimer was an editor, was still one of London’s most distinguished publishing houses; that is to say, it had yet to be taken over and transmogrified by the Star Maker. Mortimer enjoyed his work and had reason to hope that he was being considered as the next editor-in-chief, the penultimate step toward a seat on the board of directors, his initials carved into the two-hundred-year-old round table. Oriole’s celebrated oak. The saintly proprietor of Oriole Press, Lord Woodcock, had hinted at the appointment during a meeting with Mortimer at his Albany flat two years back. Hodges, Lord Woodcock had said, referring to the then editor-in-chief, is nearing the retirement age. It would be indelicate of me to say more, but I will tell you this much, Griffin; when the time comes I’ll be damned if I’m going outside our family for a replacement. Which left Mortimer with one rival. Hy Rosen, his best friend.

Following in the footsteps of Lord Woodcock, a Fabian with the purest Christian motives, the younger editorial staff at Oriole Press was encouraged to make use of their leisure time by serving the larger community in one socially responsible form or another. Two nights weekly little Hy Rosen worked as a boxing instructor at a Stepney youth club. Mortimer chose to deliver a series of lectures on Reading for Pleasure at an evening college in Paddington, sponsored by one of England’s more forward-looking trade unions. Mortimer’s third lecture, on Monday night, dealt with Franz Kafka and naturally he made several allusions to the distinctively Jewish roots of his work. Afterwards, as he was gathering his notes together, a lachrymose little man approached him for the first time.

I want to tell you, Professor Griffin, how much intellectual nourishment I got out of your lecture tonight.

I’m glad you enjoyed it, Mortimer said, in a hurry to leave because he was supposed to meet Joyce at Hy and Diana Rosen’s and it looked as if he was going to be late. But the lachrymose little man still stood resolutely before his desk.

His wisps of gray curly hair uncut and uncombed, he was a puny round-shouldered man with horn-rimmed spectacles, baleful black eyes, and a hanging lower lip. His shiny pin-striped gray suit was salted with dandruff around the shoulders. A hand-rolled cigarette drooped from his mouth, his eyes half shut against the smoke and ashes spilling unregarded to his jacket. Why did you change your name? he asked.

I beg your pardon? Did you ask me why I changed my name?

The man nodded.

But I haven’t. My name is Griffin. It always has been.

The man considered Mortimer with a sardonic, pitying smile. You’re a Jew, he said softly.

You’re mistaken.

The man chuckled.

Really, Mortimer said. What made you think –

All right. I’m mistaken. I made a mistake. Not to worry.

Look here, if I were a Jew I wouldn’t try to conceal it for a moment.

Still smiling, blinking his eyes, the man said, "There’s no need to lose your temper, Professor Griffin. I made a mistake. If that’s the way you want it."

And I’m not a professor either. Mr. Griffin will do nicely.

"A man of your insights will be famous one day … like … like I. M. Sinclair. A scholar renowned wherever the intelligentsia meet. Thanks once more, merci mille fois,for tonight’s intellectual feast. Good night, Mr. Griffin."

Good night.

Driving out to the Rosens’ flat in Swiss Cottage, Mortimer smiled indulgently. Me Jewish, he thought, laughing out loud.

Joyce had eaten with the Rosens, and Diana, remembering how much Mortimer fancied chopped liver, had saved him an enormous helping. Seated in the living room, amid Hy’s framed photographs of Abe (the Little Hebrew) Attell, Phil (Ring Gorilla) Bloom, Chrysanthemum Joe Choynski, Ruby (the Jewel of the Ghetto) Goldstein, Yussel the Mussel Jacobs, Benny Leonard, Barney