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[TRANSCRIPT]
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I saw a dog today.
I mean, I’ve seen a few dogs since I got on the road. Stray cats, deer, squirrels, a couple of raccoons and possums…animals really are the only thing I do have to look out for when I’m on the road.
But today I saw a dog that looked…
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I don’t know how else to describe it, but it looked loved. It wasn’t mangy or dirty or underfed. I could see a collar around its neck.
My brain didn’t quite process it at first. It was…what’s the word—
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incongruous. Didn’t make sense. Almost an entire minute passed before it clicked in my brain.
(huff of laughter) I turned around so fast. Drove slow, keeping my eyes peeled for it. When I finally saw it, I barely threw the car into park before jumping out.
I’m not sure what my plan was exactly, but I just…ran at the thing. It was walking along the side of the road, sniffing the ground, and I guess I thought—well, a dog looking like that, it must have some kind of human taking care of it, right? If it could…take me to its owner then maybe…
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I know. But I did say that planning was never my thing.
It raced off, of course. And I like to think of myself as being pretty in shape—I guess all those years of not smoking has made it easier to run—but there was no way I was going to catch up to what I’m pretty sure was a border collie.
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Despite my plans, I’ve ended up right back in the flat. I’m in Kansas now and given the other option was Texas, I guess it was going to be flat either way. But maybe it’s not a bad thing—if the land stretches as far as the eye can see when I’m driving, I might pick up on something in the distance I wouldn’t have otherwise noticed.
I’m gonna drive up and down the same road tomorrow, I think. Just in case I can catch sight of that dog again.
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It’s strange, you know? Seeing something treated with such care. I don’t know much about dogs, but it seemed…happy. Even though it was all by itself, god knows how far away from its home or the person who’s looking after it, it looked happy.
I guess that’s what being cared for does. It makes it so that even the loneliest parts of life seem surmountable. When you’re accustomed to the feel of a warm hand, the night chill doesn’t seem so bad. When you’ve got someone to brush you down each night, or clean your collar, it doesn’t matter that you’re getting your feet dirty on a dusty road.
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I know I’m not a dog, but sometimes I—
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It’d be nice to be cared for. Or to have something to care for myself.
The absence of love…erodes you. It compounds, over and over, until even the tiniest moment of self-aware solitude feels like a knife sliding between your ribs.
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But the reverse—the slightest bit of care—is a bulwark against so much. Loneliness is a bottomless pit with sides you can’t get a grip one and love is a ladder you can always use to climb your way out, even if there isn’t anyone at the top.
(huff) God, that’s maudlin. Here I am, jealous of a dog.
It looked soft.
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