“Does it undermine my image as a warrior to be with you?'

'No. Does it undermine Feyre's when she's seen with Rhys?'

Her stomach tightened. Her heartbeat pulsed in her arms, her gut. 'It's different for them,' she made herself say as they reached the end of the bridge and turned to walk along the quay flanking the river.

Cassian asked carefully. 'Why?'

Nesta kept her focus on the glittering river, vibrant with the hues of sunset. 'Because they're mates.'

At his utter silence, she knew what he'd say. Halted again, bracing herself for it.

Cassian's face was a void. Completely empty as he said, 'And we're not?'

Nesta said nothing.

He huffed a laugh. 'Because they're mates and you don't want us to be.'

'That word means nothing to me, Cassian,' she said, voice thick as she tried to keep the people who strode past from overhearing. 'It means something to all of you, but for most of my life, husband and wife was as good as it got. Mate is just a word.'

'That's bullshit.'

When she only began walking along the river again, he asked. 'Why are you frightened?'

'I'm not frightened.'

'What spooked you? Just being seen publicly with me like this?'

Yes. Having him kiss her and realising that soon she'd have to return to the world humming around them, and leave the House, and she didn't know what she would do then. What it would mean for them. If she would plunge back into that dark place she'd occupied before.

Drag him down with her.

'Nesta. Talk to me.'

She met his stare, but wouldn't open her mouth.

Cassian's eyes blazed. 'Say it.' She refused. 'Say it, Nesta.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Ask me why I vanished for nearly a week after Solstice. Why I suddenly had to do an inspection right after a holiday.'

Nesta kept her mouth shut.

'It was because I woke up the next morning and all I wanted to do was fuck you for a week straight. And I knew what that meant, what had happened, even though you didn't, and I didn't want to scare you. You weren't ready for the truth- not yet.'

Her mouth went dry.

'Say it,' Cassian snarled. People gave them a wide berth. Some outright turned back toward the direction they'd come from.

'No.'

His face shuttered with rage even as his voice became calm. 'Say it.'

She couldn't. Not before he'd ordered her to, and certainly not now. She couldn't let him win like that.

'Say what I guessed from the moment we met,' he breathed. 'What I knew the first time I kissed you. What became unbreakable between us on Solstice night.'

She wouldn't.

'I am your mate, for fuck's sake!' Cassian shouted, loud enough for people across the river to hear. 'You are my mate! Why are you still fighting it?'

She let the truth, voiced at last, wash over her.

'You promised me forever on Solstice,' he said, voice breaking. 'Why is one word somehow throwing you off that?'

'Because with that one word, the last scrap of my humanity goes away!' She didn't care who saw them, who heard. 'With that one stupid word, I am no longer human in any way. I'm one of you!'

He blinked. 'I thought you wanted to be one of us.'

'I don't know what I want. I didn't have a choice.'

'Well, I didn't have a choice in being shackled to you, either.'

The declaration slammed into her. Shackled.

He sucked in a breath. 'That was an incredibly poor choice of words.'

'But the truth, right?'

'No, I was angry- it's not true.'

'Why? Your friends saw me for what I was. What I am. The mating bond made you stupidly blind to it. How many times did they warn you away from me, Cassian?' She barked a cold laugh.

Shackled.

Words beckoned, sharp as knives, begging for her to grab one and plunge it into his chest. Make him hurt as much as that one would hurt her. Make him bleed.

But if she did that, if she ripped into him... She couldn't. Wouldn't let herself do it.”