- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Tell me, tell me about my dear, dear Daddy! Is it true that he's dead?
- Stan: Well, we hope he is, they buried him.
- Oliver: Well, fan my brow! I'm from the South!
- Mary Roberts: You are?
- Stan: Well, shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!
- Oliver: The South of what, sir?
- Stan: The South of London.
- Stan: Your hat's dry.
- Oliver: Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.
- Stan: Did I?
- Oliver: Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.
- Stan: Oh, now you're taking me illiterally.
- Oliver: Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.
- [Puts hat in his lap]
- Oliver: Eat the hat.
- Stan: Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?
- Oliver: Whoever heard of anybody doing *that*.
- [Immitates Stan's thumb lighter gimmick]
- Oliver: Eat the hat!
- Stan: [Gives it back] I won't do it.
- Oliver: [Slams it back in his lap] If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!
- Stan: Would you really do that?
- Oliver: I certainly would.
- [Stan says something incoherant due to him crying]
- Oliver: [Showing no sympathy] Eat it.
- Sheriff: [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?
- Oliver: [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]
- Sheriff: Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.
- Oliver: Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.
- Sheriff: And if you MISS the next coach...
- Sheriff: [draws revolver]
- Sheriff: You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!
- Sheriff: [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!
- [walks away huffily]
- Stan: [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!
- Oliver: [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!
- Mickey Finn: I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?
- Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.
- Stan: [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?
- Ollie: [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...
- [gives Stan an annoyed shove]
- Ollie: You might as well know the rest!
- [Finn pushes the $1 key on the cash register and .10 shows up, he opens the cash register case to examine it, and .10 appears when he presses the $1 key again]
- [first lines]
- Mickey Finn: Hey, this thing ain't workin' right.
- Bartender: It's working all right for me.
- [Finn does a double take]
- Lola Marcel: It can't be. What did he die of?
- Stan: I think he died of a Tuesday, or was it a Wednesday?
- Lola Marcel: [shows Finn the deed] Ha - *ha*!
- Mickey Finn: Ho - *ho*!
- Ollie: [grabs the deed] He - *he*!
- Mickey Finn: Can you do it?
- Lola Marcel: [scoffs] Can I do it? For a gold mine, I could be Cleopatra!
- Patron: Hey Finn, you're a lucky man to have a swell gal like that.
- Mickey Finn: Yeah I... What are you talking about? She's the lucky one to have a swell guy like me!
- Ollie: [Talking to Lola posing as Mary Roberts] Little lady, you've heard the worst. Now, prepare yourself for the best. Now cheer up. Smile. That's right. Remember: ''every cloud has a silver lining''.
- Stan: [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] That's right - any bird can build a nest, but it isn't every one that can lay an egg.
- Mickey Finn: [enters room] Lola, Lola, we've got a fortune right in the palm of our hand!
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: What do you mean?
- Mickey Finn: There's a couple of desert rats downstairs looking for Mary Roberts.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: What about it?
- Mickey Finn: They've got a deed to a very valuable gold mine left to her by her father, and they're here to deliver it to her in person.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Well, ain't that just grand!
- Mickey Finn: It would be... if you were Mary Roberts.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: I gotcha, but I'd never get away with it.
- Mickey Finn: Sure you would; they've never seen Mary Roberts.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Then it's a cinch!
- Mickey Finn: [the real Mary knocks at the door] Who's there?
- Mary Roberts: Mary.
- Stan: Mary who?
- Mickey Finn: [nervously] Mary - Merry Christmas. Ohhh...
- [opens the door]
- Mary Roberts: Excuse me, Mr. Finn, one of these gentlemen dropped this at the foot of the stairs.
- Ollie: [takes the deed from her hands, not recognizing her as the real Mary] Oh, oh why thank you, little lady, you don't know what you've done, thanks!
- Mickey Finn: [shows Mary out of the room, closing the door] All right, all right, all right.
- Ollie: [hands the deed to Lola, unaware that she's pretending to be Mary] There you are: signed, sealed, and now delivered.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh, thank you so much.
- Ollie: Not at all.
- [Mickey Finn utters a sigh of exhausted relief]
- Ollie: Come Stanley, we'd better be going.
- Stan: Oh say, what about the locket?
- Ollie: That's right I...
- Stan: We've got something else for you.
- Ollie: I almost forgot it.
- [puts on his derby and loosens his necktie]
- Ollie: And besides that...
- [unbuttons his shirt and takes out the locket]
- Ollie: your father left you this family heirloom.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh yes, I - I remember it well.
- Ollie: Help me get it off, Stanley.
- [Ollie loosens his collar while Stan tries to take the locket chain off of Ollie's neck by pulling it up around his chin]
- Stan: Am I hurting you?
- Ollie: No, just a minute.
- Stan: Won't be long.
- [Stan tries again to take the chain off of Ollie]
- Stan: Maybe I'd better try and open it again.
- Ollie: I think so.
- [Stan loosens Ollie's collar to get to the clasp]
- Stan: It slipped.
- [Stan unbuttons Ollie's shirt]
- Stan: Maybe you'd better take your coat off.
- Ollie: [starts to take off his coat] Pardon me just a minute.
- [Stan removes Ollie's necktie and collar; Ollie takes his suspenders off and the locket falls down his trousers leg to the floor]
- Ollie: [Stan reaches up Ollie's back and finds a thread, Ollie breaks the thread and discovers an unraveled undergarment] We'll find it in just a moment.
- [Ollie takes off his shirt, and Stan notices the locket on the floor and picks it up]
- Ollie: We got it.
- [Stan hands the locket to Lola]
- Ollie: I'm gonna go in and change, pardon us.
- [Ollie goes into the bedroom to put his clothes back on, and Stan follows]
- Stan: [Ollie lays his clothes on the bed, Stan sits down] Say Ollie?
- Oliver: What?
- Stan: Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath?,
- Oliver: Would you mind leaving the room? Can't I ever have a little privacy?
- Stan: I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.
- Mickey Finn: [in the living room] And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.
- Lola Marcel: [Stan opens the door and overhears Lola talking to Mickey] Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?
- Stan: You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.
- Mickey Finn: Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?
- Oliver: That suits me fine.
- Stan: How'd you get dressed so quick?
- Oliver: None of your business.
- [Finn goes to open his front door]
- Oliver: Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.
- Lola Marcel: You're very welcome.
- Stan: Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.
- [Ollie pushes Stan out the door as Finn leaves the room]
- Lola Marcel: [Lola examines the deed as Finn re-enters the room a moment later, hiding the deed behind her back] What did you leave them for?
- Mickey Finn: I'll send her right up, you have her sign that deed over to us.
- Lola Marcel: Oh, don't worry about me, get those guys out of town, and pronto!
- Mickey Finn: All right!
- [Finn goes down to the saloon]
- Lola Marcel: What a cinch!
- Ollie: [Mary comes downstairs] Goodbye, Miss... uh... Miss... uh...
- Mary Roberts: Roberts, Mary Roberts.
- Ollie: Goodbye, Miss Roberts.
- Stan: Goodbye.
- Ollie: [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take] Did you hear what she said her name was?
- Stan: Sure, Mary Roberts.
- Ollie: How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?
- Stan: I don't know.
- [Stan crushes out a cigar butt with his shoe]
- Ollie: I smell a rat.
- Stan: I smell something too.
- [Stan discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]
- Ollie: Come on.
- [Stan and Ollie go back to the kitchen; they remove their hats]
- Ollie: Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?
- Mary Roberts: Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.
- Ollie: Well, who's that woman upstairs?
- Mary Roberts: That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.
- Stan: [Stan taps Ollie on the shoulder, and accidentally bangs his head on a hanging frying pan] Can I speak to you for a minute?
- Ollie: Pardon us.
- Stan: Yeah, we'll be right back.
- [Stan and Ollie head for the main hall]
- Stan: You know what?
- Ollie: What?
- Stan: I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
- Ollie: Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.
- Stan: Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.
- Ollie: Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.
- Stan: What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.
- Ollie: That's what I call determination.
- [Ollie shakes Stan's hand; they head upstairs]
- Ollie: Come on.
- Stan: [Ollie knocks on Mickey Finn's door] Who's there?
- Ollie: Me.
- Stan: Me, who?
- Ollie: [annoyed at Stan's response] "Me, who?"
- [Mickey Finn goes to the door, Ollie knocks on his head]
- Mickey Finn: Well - What do you want?
- Ollie: Out of my way, you snake in the grass!
- [Ollie brushes Finn aside]
- Stan: You toad in the hole.
- [Stan yanks Finn's necktie, Finn kicks Stan in retaliation]
- Lola Marcel: Say you slugs, what do you mean busting in here like this?
- Stan: We want to know why you are not Mary Roberts.
- Ollie: I'll take care of this matter.
- Lola Marcel: So you got wise, huh? Well, if it's this deed you're after, you're just out of luck.
- [Ollie grabs the deed from Lola, and a chase ensues]
- Lola Marcel: Give that back to me!
- Ollie: Take it, Stan!
- [Ollie pursues Mickey Finn]
- Ollie: Beat it!
- [last lines]
- Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: [singing] We're going to go, we're going to go / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see / We're going to see my home in Dixie / You can tell the world we're going to...
- Ollie, Mary Roberts: D - I - X...
- Stan: [music stops] I know how to spell it.
- Ollie, Mary Roberts: [music resumes] Then we're going,
- Stan: [sings separately] All right, we're going,
- Ollie, Mary Roberts: You know we're going,
- Stan: [sings] You bet we're going
- Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: To our home in Dixie land / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see...
- [song fades out as Ollie falls into the creek]
- The Avalon Boys: [singing] Commence advancin', commence advancin'/ Just start a prancin', right and left a-glancin'/ A moochee dancin', slide and glide entrancin'/ You do the tango jiggle/ With a Texas Tommy wiggle...
- Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine
- Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree
- Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
- Stan, Oliver: Oo, oo, oo
- Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine
- Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /
- [Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]
- Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
- Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine
- [song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]
- Mickey Finn: [holding a pistol] Now, get out of here!
- [knock on the door]
- Mickey Finn: Who's there?
- Sheriff: The sheriff.
- Ollie: Just in the nick of time! Now we'll get justice! Come in, Sheriff, you're just the man I'm looking for!
- Sheriff: And you're just the man I'm looking for.
- Ollie: Oh thank you, this man -
- [Ollie recognizes the Sheriff whose wife was pestered by Stan and Ollie in the stagecoach]
- Ollie: Ohhh!
- [Stan laughs hysterically]
- Sheriff: [Ollie taps Stan on the shoulder, he stops laughing] I thought I told you two dudes to catch the next coach out of town.
- Ollie: [meekly] Yes, sir.
- Sheriff: Well, it left ten minutes ago.
- Ollie: It did? Well, maybe we'd better try and catch it.
- Sheriff: Well, I'd say you'd better!
- [the Sheriff fires his guns, chasing Stan and Ollie out of town]
- Sheriff: Look at 'em go!
- Mickey Finn: Ha, you can't see 'em for dust!
- [Sheriff laughs]
- Maw: Have you seen my husband?
- Barfly: Yeah, there he is, over there.
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: [sings] Won't you be my ownsome / My little turtle dove?
- Paw - Bearded Miner at Saloon: [starts hugging the miner] Will I?
- [laughs, Lola goes back to the stage]
- Paw - Bearded Miner at Saloon: Waiter, I want a big bottle of wine, right over here! Come on, bring it over here, this beer's no good!
- [the miner's wife confronts him]
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: [continues singing] My loving honey man...
- Paw - Bearded Miner at Saloon: [closes his eyes, thinking he's kissing Lola] Sweetheart!
- [opens his eyes to discover he just kissed his wife, who escorts him out of the saloon]
- Paw - Bearded Miner at Saloon: Oh!
- Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine
- Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree
- Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
- Oliver: Oo-oo-oo
- Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine
- Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /
- [Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]
- Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
- Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine
- [song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]
- Mickey Finn: [crowd chants "We want Lola! We want Lola! We want Lola!"] And now gentlemen, it has always been my aim to give you the best entertainment that money can buy. I have brought here at great expense...
- Patron: Aw, get a piece of fat and slide off!
- Mickey Finn: Who said that?
- [a customer fires a gun and the shot blows Finn's top hat from his head, laughter and a scream are heard]
- Mickey Finn: All right, you'll get Lola!
- Mickey Finn: Splendid. Splendid!
- Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: She fell for it, like you fell for me.
- Mickey Finn: Lola, my gal, we're sittin' pretty.
- Mickey Finn: [from the staircase] Hey! If you come upstairs, I'll introduce you to Mary Roberts.
- Oliver: Right away, sir.
- Mary Roberts: [enters from the kitchen] Did you call me, Mr. Finn?
- Mickey Finn: [runs down the stairs] Ohhh! Get back into the kitchen where you belong! Go ahead now, don't bother me!
- [goes up the stairs to his residence]
- Mickey Finn: This way gentlemen, come right this way.
- [stumbles on the staircase]
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