- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
- Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
- Mayor: Is this true?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true.
- [pause]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
- Walter Peck: Jeez!
- [Charges at Venkman]
- Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!
- Walter Peck: All right, all right, all right!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's what I heard!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
- Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
- Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... MASS HYSTERIA!
- Mayor: All right, all right! I get the point!
- Gozer: [after Ray orders her to re-locate] Are you a God?
- [Ray looks at Peter, who nonchalantly nods yes]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: No.
- Gozer: Then... DIE!
- [Lightning flies from her fingers, driving the Ghostbusters to the edge of the roof and almost off; people below scream]
- Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: All right! This chick is TOAST!
- Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
- Winston Zeddemore: Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.
- [Egon is running tests on Louis, who has been possessed by Vinz Clortho and is now the Keymaster]
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?
- Louis: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've WORKED in the private sector. They expect *results*.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [as the Ghostbusters approach Gozer] Grab your stick!
- [the Ghostbusters draw their handsets]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: HOLDIN'!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat 'em up!
- [they arm their packs]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: SMOKIN'!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Make 'em hard!
- [they rack their handsets]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: READY!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown... THROW IT!
- Dana Barrett: [as The Gatekeeper] I want you inside me.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to her radical change in personality] Go ahead! No, I can't. It sounds like you've got at least two or three people in there already.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Just relax. Lie down there, relax. Put your hands on your chest. What I'd really like to do is talk to Dana. I wanna talk to Dana. Dana? It's Peter.
- Dana Barrett: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Zuulie, you nut, now c'mon. C'mon, I wanna talk to Dana. Dana. Just relax, c'mon. Dana. Dana. Can I talk to Dana?
- Dana Barrett: [in an inhuman demonic voice] There is no Dana, only Zuul!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: What a lovely singing voice you must have.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!
- Gozer: The Choice is made!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Ho! Ho! Whoa-oa!
- Gozer: The Traveller has come!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Nobody choosed anything!
- [turns to Egon]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Did you choose anything?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: No.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Winston] Did YOU?
- Winston Zeddemore: My mind is totally blank.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: I didn't choose anything...
- [long pause, Peter, Egon and Winston all look at Ray]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [angrily] What? WHAT "just popped in there?"
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: I... I... I tried to think...
- Dr. Egon Spengler: LOOK!
- [they all look over one side of the roof]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: No! It CAN'T be!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: It CAN'T be!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you DO, Ray?
- Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
- [they all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat, Peter looks at Ray]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: [somberly] It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no HUMAN BEING would stack books like this.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
- Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?
- Librarian Alice: No.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?
- Library Administrator: What has that got to do with it?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Back off, man. I'm a scientist.
- Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.
- Man at Elevator: That's gotta be some cockroach.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Bite your head off, man.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: [Entering elevator] Going up?
- Man at Elevator: I'll take the next one.
- [In a TV commercial]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Have you or your family ever seen a spook, spectre or ghost?
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: If the answer is "yes," then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals...
- Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: Ghostbusters.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: [in unison] We're ready to believe you.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: How?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We'll cross the streams.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: 'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cross the streams...
- Dr. Peter Venkman: You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog...
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There's definitely a VERY SLIM chance we'll survive.
- [pause while they consider this]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!
- Winston Zeddemore: [all get up to get ready] This job is definitely not worth $11,500 a year.
- Winston Zeddemore: I'm Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen shit that'll turn you white.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon... what've you got left?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
- [business is terrible at Ghostbusters]
- Janine Melnitz: [answers the phone] Hello, Ghostbusters... Yes, of course they're serious... You do?... You have?... No kidding! Just gimme the address... Oh sure, they will be totally discreet. Thank you!
- [hangs up]
- Janine Melnitz: WE GOT ONE!
- Janine Melnitz: I've quit better jobs than this.
- [answers phone]
- Janine Melnitz: Ghostbusters, what do you want?
- Janine Melnitz: You're very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Print is dead.
- Janine Melnitz: Oh, that's very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I'm too intellectual but I think it's a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play racquetball. Do you have any hobbies?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.
- [clearing away tables in the dining room to make room for the ghost trap]
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: I've gotta get this in the clear...!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Wait, wait, wait! I've always wanted to do this...
- [He yanks a tablecloth off of a table, overturning and shattering everything except the centerpiece in the middle]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [triumphantly] And the flowers are still standing!
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Are you okay?
- Louis: Who are you guys?
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: We're the Ghostbusters.
- Louis: Who does your taxes?
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual.
- Louis: I know!
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!
- Louis: Felt great.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.
- Louis: Okay.
- Dana Barrett: That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: Yep. Let's get ready. Switch me on!
- [Persuading the mayor to let them stop a supernatural upheaval]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm *right*, and we *can* stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Hee hee hee! "Get her!" That was your whole plan, huh, "get her." Very scientific.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
- [phone rings]
- Dr. Peter Venkman: You gonna answer that?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied.
- Winston Zeddemore: Hey Ray. Do you believe in God?
- Dr Ray Stantz: Never met him.
- Winston Zeddemore: Yeah, well, I do. And I love Jesus's style, you know.
- Dr Ray Stantz: The entire roof cap is made out of a magnesium-tungsten alloy...
- Winston Zeddemore: What are you so involved with over there?
- Dr Ray Stantz: These are the blueprints for structural ironwork of Dana Barret's apartment building, and they are very, very strange.
- Winston Zeddemore: Hey Ray. Do you remember something in the bible about the last days when the dead would rise from the grave?
- Dr Ray Stantz: I remember Revelations 6:12...?And I looked, and he opened the sixth seal, and behold, there was a great earthquake. And the sun became as black as sack cloth, and the moon became as blood."
- Winston Zeddemore: "And the seas boiled and the skies fell."
- Dr Ray Stantz: Judgement day.
- Winston Zeddemore: Judgement day.
- Dr Ray Stantz: Every ancient religion has its own myth about the end of the world.
- Winston Zeddemore: Myth? Ray, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason we've been so busy lately is 'cause the dead HAVE been rising from the grave?
- Dr Ray Stantz: [Pause] How 'bout a little music?
- Winston Zeddemore: Yeah.
- Dana Barrett: This voice said "Zuul". And then I slammed the refrigerator door and I left. That was two days ago and I haven't been back to my apartment.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally, you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
- Louis: [Louis, as the possessed Keymaster Vinz Clortho, runs out of Central Park, scaring a married couple] I am the Keymaster! The Destructor is coming. Gozer the Traveler, the Destroyer.
- [Louis pants and sniffs, then notices a horse carriage; horse neighs]
- Louis: Gatekeeper.
- [Walk over towards the horse]
- Louis: I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?
- Coachman: Hey, he pulls the wagon, I made the deals. You want a ride?
- [the possessed Louis growls at the coachman with his red-glowing eyes]
- Louis: [to the horse] Wait for the sign. Then our prisoners will be released.
- [Runs amok, scaring bystanders; yelling]
- Louis: You will perish in flame, you and all your kind! Gatekeeper!
- Coachman: What an asshole.
- [Louis has been possessed by Vinz Clortho a.k.a. The Keymaster]
- Janine Melnitz: Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley?
- Louis: [to Egon] Do I?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Yes, have some.
- Louis: [to Janine] Yes, have some.
- Dana Barrett: [possessed by Zuul] Do you want this body?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question?
- Walter Peck: Hold it! I want this man arrested! Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act! And this explosion is a direct result of it!
- Dr. Egon Spengler: YOUR MOTHER!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, what do you think?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: [looking up and blinding Peter with his headlamp] She's telling the truth. At least, she thinks she is.
- Dana Barrett: Well, of course I'm telling the truth! Who would make up a story like that?
- Dr. Peter Venkman: [becoming suave] Some are people who just want attention. Others, just nutballs who come in off the street.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know what it could be? Past-life experience intruding on present time.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Could be race memory stored in the collective unconscious. I wouldn't rule out clairvoyance or telepathic contact either.
- Dana Barrett: I'm sorry, I don't believe in any of those things.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's all right. I don't either.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: I think we'd better split up.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah... we can do more damage that way.
- Dr. Raymond Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin', Ray.
- Dr. Egon Spengler: Oh good, you're here!
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, what have you got?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: This is big, Peter, this is very big. There is definitely something here.
- Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
- Dr. Egon Spengler: That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me.
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