- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney! Remember, that nobody screws with me.
- Carey Mahoney: Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Son, where did you get that gun?
- Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [smiling proudly] My mum gave it to me.
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: [Presenting a slide show just as a hooker begins to give him a blow job] Now this first SLIIIDE... shows a very, very interesting thing: our main building. On slide... TWO! We see other view... of... IT! Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe it!
- Moses Hightower: I was a florist.
- Carey Mahoney: A florist?
- Moses Hightower: Yeah, you know, flowers and shit.
- Cadet Laverne Hooks: [a thug, after being knocked down some stairs, realizes he's still got a gun in his waist. He reaches for it, and a revolver is pointed in his face] *Don't move, dirtbag!*
- Cadet Leslie Barbara: [after Hightower has been thrown out of the Academy] Of all the guys who I thought were gonna make it, Hightower was the one. I mean, if all the cops looked like him there'd be no crime at all.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [On their way to a riot zone] We are being sent to a safe area away from the disturbance. Our job will be to divert traffic away from the trouble zone, and to protect public property. You will have live ammunition, but there will be no call to use it - TACKLEBERRY! Do you understand, numbnuts?
- George Martin: To me, marriage is a sacred institution. So tell me, you and the wife do it doggie-style, or what?
- [Mahoney and Thompson, both in full dress uniform, are kissing passionately before the graduation ceremony]
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: You men stop that!
- [Thompson turns around, removes her cap and smiles, showing her face and long hair to Lassard]
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh... OHHH! Well. That's more like it, Mahoney. Good man. Keep up the good work!
- Carey Mahoney: Yes, sir!
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: [Seeing Tackleberry banging his head on the squad car hood] What's wrong with this man?
- Cadet Leslie Barbara: There was gunplay, sir, and he missed it.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [having had his head recently removed from a horse's behind] You told, no one?
- Carey Mahoney: Not a soul.
- [Harris passes in front of the line of cadets, and is annoyed to see that they are all straining not to laugh at him. He becomes even more annoyed when he notices that Sgt. Callahan is also on the verge of bursting out laughing. When he passes near Jones, Jones makes sound of horse neigh, as if to make it clear that everyone heard about the embarrassing incident]
- Carey Mahoney: [Hightower smashes into the bumper of another car] You didn't hit the brakes.
- Moses Hightower: You didn't tell me to.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, Mahoney, my little pissant... you are out of the Academy forever. Get your stuff, and get out. Too bad, so sad, bye-bye.
- Chief Hurnst: [Lamenting the newly relaxed admission requirements for the Academy] They all used to be the right color, the right height, the right weight. And they all had Johnsons, Lassard!
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Johnsons?
- Chief Hurnst: You know...
- [motions to his groin]
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh, yes.
- Chief Hurnst: There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see.
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Yes. And what a lovely sight it was.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: My name is Lieutenant Harris! In case you missed it. This is Sergeant Callahan! In case you missed it. We are the meanest instructors here. We've got you because you are the worst people here. You are "D" Squad; "D" for "dirtbags." When I say: "Hey, dirtbags!" that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.
- Carey Mahoney: Sir. Look, sir, new pants.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [notices that Mahoney is holding the megaphone] What are you doing with that? Give me that.
- [Harris grabs his megaphone from Mahoney and uses it, without noticing that Mahoney applied brown shoe polish on it]
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: All right, you scumballs. You have a 30 minutes to hit the showers and get to class. Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up, assholes!
- [Harris then turns to Cmdt. Lassard, with shoe polish from his megaphone all around his lips, looking like a goatee]
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: So far, nobody's quit, but they will.
- [Cmdt. Lassard laughs at Harris. Harris, thinking that perhaps he said something funny, joins his laughter]
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What the hell are you doing here?
- Cadet Laverne Hooks: I wanna be a police officer.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What? I can't hear you-u?
- Cadet Laverne Hooks: [whispering] I wanna be a police officer.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Don't unpack.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You know, Mahoney, I'd like to spend the next ten weeks breaking you into little pieces. But I won't. Because you're bad. You're bad for morale, Mahoney. Oh, you look like the sweet little boy from next door. But you don't fool me, oh no. You're the devil, and you're rotten to the core, and you're ruining my chance to train some people who might make pretty good cops!
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, well, well... I told you not to try me, boy. Stand up.
- [Mahoney stands up]
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I want you two squad leaders to take Mr. Mahoney here, and run him until he throws up.
- Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, just after he throws up... run him some more.
- Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You are going to learn, Mahoney, that nobody - *nobody* - screws with me.
- Carey Mahoney: Thompson, why you do want to be a cop?
- Cadet Karen Thompson: I like to dress as a man.
- Carey Mahoney: Me too.
- Carey Mahoney: What are you in for?
- Larvell Jones: I'll show you.
- [holds a microphone up to his mouth and imitates gun fire causing everybody to drop to the floor. They get up after realizing what happened]
- Booking Sergeant: GODDAMMIT! STOP THAT!
- [Into phone]
- Booking Sergeant: Oh, no. Not you, sir.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: Well, nothing really happened, sir.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: There was a party, wasn't there?
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: Yes, sir.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, what went on?
- Cadet Chad Copeland: Dancing, sir. Mostly dancing.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [to himself] Dancing?
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: [At the Academy barber, Martin is sitting in the chair] I'm first!
- Cadet Chad Copeland: And I'm next.
- George Martin: For important guys like you, I wait.
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: Okay, let's go! Take it all off.
- Barber: You got it!
- [starts shaving Blankes's hair off and then Copeland's]
- George Martin: [sits down in the chair] Just a little off the sides, please!
- Barber: You bet!
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: You can do that?
- Barber: Sure! This ain't the army, you know.
- Cadet Leslie Barbara: Princess. Princess. Come here.
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Princess? Looks more like a prince to me.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Give me that dog.
- Cadet Leslie Barbara: Ahem. But he's mine, sir.
- Cadet Chad Copeland: Boy, there sure are a lot of spades around here.
- [sees Hightower standing next to him]
- Cadet Chad Copeland: [in a choked voice] Which I think is good. Very good for the Academy.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [Mahoney and Blankes are in Lt.Harris' office due to Barbara throwing the first punch at Copeland via lunch tray. Harris is cleaning his stick] Who threw the first punch? That's all I want to know.
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: [before Mahoney can answer] Barbara did.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Barbara?
- Cadet Kyle Blankes: That's right.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then he's out of here. Him and his queer dog.
- [first lines]
- Title Card: On March 4th of this year...
- Title Card: ...newly elected Mayor Mary Sue Beal announced that she was changing the hiring practices of this city's police force.
- Title Card: No longer would height, weight, sex, education, or physical strength be used to keep new recruits out of the Metropolitan Police Academy.
- Title Card: Hundreds of people who never dreamed of becoming police officers signed up immediately.
- Title Card: Naturally, the police completely freaked.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [In the TV Version edited with no swearing] What is it? What is it?
- Cadet Chad Copeland: She ran over my feet!
- Cadet Laverne Hooks: Oh, I'm sorry. I really am.
- Cadet Chad Copeland: Sorry? You dumb, fat nincompoop!
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [Lieutenant Harris is assigning rooms to the cadets] In here I want Copeland and Blankes! In here I want Fackler and Martin! In here I want Barbara and Jones! In here I want Mahoney and Tackleberry!
- Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [Screams] THANK YOU, SIR! YES, SIR!
- Carey Mahoney: [to Harris] Thank you, for putting me in with a maniac!
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: My pleasure! Mahoney, isn't it?
- Carey Mahoney: Yes, sir! And may I just say...
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: The rest of you dirtbags follow me!
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: I don't why you're here but you never be a cop as long as I live. now get you're butt off my desk.
- Carey Mahoney: Thank you Cmdt. Lassard.
- Carey Mahoney: Chief Hurst.
- Carey Mahoney: Madam Mayor.
- Carey Mahoney: Mr. President.
- Carey Mahoney: His Holiness The Pope.
- Carey Mahoney: The King Of Norway.
- Carey Mahoney: And our other honor guests.
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I thought it would be nice if we were to close out our first afternoon together with a nice little stroll around the campus.
- [shouts]
- Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Move out, maggots!
- [first lines]
- Office Executive: Hello... .Tackleberry. We're all gonna miss you around here. The police academy's getting itself a find new recruit. May I... go now?
- Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [salutes] Affirmative sir.
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