- Frank Lockwood the Solicitor: It wants to be a bit select, Henry. Their daughter was a GI bride.
- Dr. Charles Swaby: Only just. Six months pregnant when I examined her
- Allardyce: She was a Sunday school teacher.
- Dr. Charles Swaby: The state of her private parts told a different story, Henry.
- Dr. Charles Swaby: In Westminster Abbey tomorrow morning, a young couple are getting married of a purity and a nobility scum like you just can't comprehend.
- Dr. Charles Swaby: Now, under this National Health Service, any poorly little pillock can come into my surgery and say "I'm ill! Treat me!" Honestly, sometimes I wonder what the last war was FOR.
- Morris Wormold the Meat Inspector: My experience has been, Mrs Forbes, that when people say they are only human, it's because they have been making beasts of themselves.
- P.C. Penny: [upon spotting a single, solitary banana] Mrs Medcalf, are you wanting that banana?
- Mrs. Dorcus Medcalf: I am, love; I'm planning a trifle.
- [the pig has been abducted]
- Grand Hotel Manager: I can put my hands on two turkeys in Bradford.
- Frank Lockwood the Solicitor: Two? TWO? We've got a hundred and fifty people coming! And Jesus isn't one of them!
- Sutcliff: You find one wrong pig on this farm, I'll give you a hundred pound.
- Morris Wormold the Meat Inspector: If I do, it'll cost you more than that.
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