- Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
- Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
- Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
- Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
- Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
- Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
- Colonel Sandurz: When?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: Now?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
- Dark Helmet: Why?
- Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
- Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
- Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
- Dark Helmet: How soon?
- Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
- Lone Starr: What?
- Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
- Lone Starr: What's that make us?
- Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
- Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
- Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
- Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
- Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
- Dark Helmet: Who is he?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
- Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
- Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
- [Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
- Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
- Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
- [Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
- Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
- [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
- Roland: One.
- Dark Helmet: One.
- Colonel Sandurz: One.
- Roland: Two.
- Dark Helmet: Two.
- Colonel Sandurz: Two.
- Roland: Three.
- Dark Helmet: Three.
- Colonel Sandurz: Three.
- Roland: Four.
- Dark Helmet: Four.
- Colonel Sandurz: Four.
- Roland: Five.
- Dark Helmet: Five.
- Colonel Sandurz: Five.
- Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, you are mine!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Helmet!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Lone Starr!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Now you are going to die! BAM!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh... OH!
- [in Barf voice]
- Dark Helmet: Hey, what did you do to my friend?
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
- [in Barf voice]
- Dark Helmet: OH! OH!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: And you too!
- [in Dot voice]
- Dark Helmet: Owww! Ah!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, leave me alone!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, kiss me!
- [cuts between their voices]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
- Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
- [turns it on]
- Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
- Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
- [a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
- Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
- [pulls string]
- Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
- Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
- Dot Matrix: How far did he get? What did he touch? What did he touch?
- Princess Vespa: Nothing happened.
- Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
- Dot Matrix: *That* was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.
- Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
- Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
- Ape #2: Spaceballs?
- Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
- [watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
- Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
- Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
- Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
- Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
- Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
- Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
- Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
- [Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
- Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
- [covering his neck]
- Radio Operator: Not that.
- Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
- [aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
- [Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
- Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
- Dark Helmet: WHAT?
- [Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
- Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
- Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
- Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
- Dark Helmet: GOOD!
- [Sandurz slams the door]
- Barf: I know we need the money, but...
- Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money!
- Barf: [Barf looks at him, raises his ears]
- Lone Starr: We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
- Dark Helmet: [after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed] Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
- Lone Starr: Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!
- Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!
- Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
- Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!
- Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
- Minister: Do you?
- Lone Starr: Yes
- Minister: Do you?
- Princess Vespa: Yes
- Minister: GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!
- Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
- Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
- Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?
- Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
- Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
- [Lone Starr changes hand position]
- Lone Starr: Like this?
- Megamaid Guard: Yeah!
- [guard falls to the ground]
- Lone Starr: Thanks.
- [first title cards]
- Title card/crawl: Once upon a time warp...
- Title card/crawl: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
- [Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
- Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.
- [her hair gets singed by a laser]
- Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
- [begins blasting]
- Colonel Sandurz: [squeaks] Prepare ship...
- [tries again, with booming voice]
- Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
- Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
- Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
- Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
- Dark Helmet: The what?
- Colonel Sandurz: The what?
- Dark Helmet: And the what?
- Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
- [makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
- Radar Technician: The sweeps.
- [makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
- Radar Technician: And the creeps.
- [makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
- Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
- [after running the full length of Spaceball One to reach the bridge]
- President Skroob: The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.
- [as they are trekking through the desert]
- Lone Starr: Water. Water.
- Barf: [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]
- Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil.
- Princess Vespa: Room service. Room service.
- Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
- Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
- Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
- [slaps the machine]
- Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
- [prepairs a cup for Helmet]
- Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
- Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
- Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
- All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
- Princess Vespa: Now listen you...
- Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
- Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
- Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...
- Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.
- President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
- Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
- President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
- Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
- President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
- President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
- Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
- Barf: [Spaceball 1 roars by them, in a plaid colouration of speed] Aah!
- Barf: What the hell was that?
- Lone Starr: Spaceball 1.
- Barf: They've gone to plaid!
- [man who ate the Space Special is becoming violently ill]
- Woman in Diner: Grab him some water!
- Trucker in Cap: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
- Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
- [after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
- President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
- Minister: Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!
- Princess Vespa: I'm sorry!
- King Roland: I'm sorry
- Prince Valium: I'm sorry too.
- Minister: Don't be sorry, be quiet!
- Princess Vespa, King Roland, Prince Valium: I'm sorry!
- Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.
- Barf: Why so early?
- Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
- [screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
- Barf: Nice dissolve.
- Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
- Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
- Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
- Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
- Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
- Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
- Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
- Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
- Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
- Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
- Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
- Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
- Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
- [last lines]
- Dot Matrix: [seeing Lone Starr and Princess Vespa kiss at their wedding] Well, goodbye virgin alarm.
- Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
- Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
- Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
- Dark Helmet: What did you do?
- Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
- Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
- Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.
- Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!
- Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
- Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.
- Dot Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.
- Princess Vespa: [the quartet enters Yogurt's lair]
- Princess Vespa: What is this place?
- Barf: It looks like the Temple of Doom.
- Dot Matrix: Well it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.
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