- Conrad Siegfried: All right, Major, what happened? Why did we not get the Hottentot papers?
- Maj. Waterhouse: Errrrr...
- Conrad Siegfried: We don't ERRRRRR here!
- Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.
- Nicholas Dimente: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?
- Nicholas Dimente: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart: How about a Boy Scout with rabies?
- [last lines]
- Maxwell Smart: 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.
- Agent 99: Yes Max, I believe it.
- [they kiss]
- Cmdr. Drury: Now Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything in it's power to try to stop you. You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
- Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!
- Maxwell Smart: Go to sleep, 99.
- Agent 99: I can't.
- Maxwell Smart: Why not?
- Agent 99: You're sitting on me.
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: [referring to Max and 99] Commander, this man und this... number are mistaken.
- Conrad Siegfried: Shtarker, this is KAOS. We don't 'Yippie-yo-ka-yah' here.
- Shtarker: Forgive me, I know we don't 'Yippie-yo-ka-yah' here.
- Conrad Siegfried: Occasionally a strained 'Yahoo' is alright.
- [first lines]
- Williams: Commander, it's Agent Beamish.
- Cmdr. Drury: Verify.
- Williams: [we see a skeleton X-ray] It's him sir.
- Cmdr. Drury: Activate the door.
- Beamish: [entering] What's up, sir?
- Cmdr. Drury: The fate of the world, the president's blood pressure, and you. Sit down.
- Cmdr. Drury: The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.
- Maxwell Smart: What about our side, sir?
- Agent 99: Oh Max, how horrible.
- Maxwell Smart: Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.
- Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.
- Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.
- Conrad Siegfried: Shtarker...
- Shtarker: Yeah?
- Conrad Siegfried: [Stressed] Ugh... I need something for my stomach.
- Shtarker: Eine Cummerbund?
- Conrad Siegfried: Idiot... for the inside!
- Beamish: Mr. Smart, may I say that meeting you is the highlight of my entire career!
- Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Beamish! How long have you been with the company?
- Beamish: Three days!
- Agent 99: You met the President! What's he like?
- Maxwell Smart: Everything you'd expect him to be!
- Agent 99: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Cmdr. Drury: Smart, you appear to be in pretty good shape, do you work out?
- Maxwell Smart: I jog one hundred miles every day! Would you believe it? One hundred miles!
- Cmdr. Drury: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe fifty?
- Cmdr. Drury: No!
- Maxwell Smart: How about two push ups and a deep breath?
- Agent 99: Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?
- Maxwell Smart: If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!
- Agent 13: What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?
- Maxwell Smart: 13! How did you know that?
- Agent 13: I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!
- Larrabee: You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, there are three of us.
- Maxwell Smart: You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, a sister.
- Larrabee: I bet she has a tough time getting dates.
- Cmdr. Drury: They can produce acid rain, destroy all our crops, and pollute our water.
- Maxwell Smart: [Incredulously] You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?
- Nicholas Dimente: I can drown the city that houses your finest minds, your most brilliant intillects.
- Maxwell Smart: [to 99] Well at least Washington is safe.
- Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.
- Agent 99: Max, I dont have a gun.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.
- Agent 99: Max!
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.
- [pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun]
- Maxwell Smart: Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...
- Agent 99: Noiser?
- Maxwell Smart: ...a bang becomes a boom.
- Beamish: What's up, sir?
- Cmdr. Drury: The fate of the world, the President's blood presure and you! Sit down, sit down.
- Cmdr. Drury: [on phone] This is the single most important telephone call you will ever receive. The fate of the world depends upon you.
- Maxwell Smart: [on shoephone] Could you hold that thought for a second sir, someone's coming.
- [Max moves off as a coffin slides by]
- Cmdr. Drury: He put the world on hold.
- Maj. Waterhouse: The Cone of Silence. It's an obsolete anti-bugging device.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it's not really obsolete, sir. as a matter of fact, I bought one at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.
- Cmdr. Drury: Over your bed?
- Maxwell Smart: I talk in my sleep.
- Maxwell Smart: Where have you been keeping yourself?
- Agent 13: [lying in a cabinet drawer] Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.
- Conrad Siegfried: I am two years away from retiring and out of nowhere, KAOS is taken over by a corporate raider, a crazy man. Oh, the pressure, you have no idea what the pressure is like. I've got headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia, I'm a capitalist casualty, a merger victim!
- Maxwell Smart: We need you to come back to work for Control.
- Hymie: Sure, when you need me you come around. Otherwise I never hear from you. It really hurts, Max. I'm not made of stone, you know.
- [hits his metal chest]
- Dr. Denton: We have perfected a mini-camera that fits right into your nose. All you have to do is press this button on your jacket and your elbow will record what your nose sees.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded what my elbow sees?
- Dr. Denton: No.
- Maxwell Smart: No?
- Dr. Denton: No.
- Maxwell Smart: No.
- Dr. Denton: Simply because in your elbow patch compartment there is a mini recorder plus everything else you might need. A mini-magnet, a mini-gun and a mini-condom.
- Larrabee: I'm curious. What use do we have for a mini-magnet?
- Dr. Denton: All you need to know is in your mini-manual which is in your other elbow patch compartment.
- Maxwell Smart: We've got one week to save the world. Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday.
- Larrabee: That gives us an extra hour.
- Maxwell Smart: [Max is holding a vase and a lamp and keeping a grandfatherclock from falling with his back] Wait a minute. Eh. Do me a favor.
- Beademeyer: [pointing a gun at Max] What?
- Maxwell Smart: [holds up the lamp and the vase] Hold these while I read you your rights.
- Agent 99: Max, was that man from KAOS?
- Maxwell Smart: How did you know, 99?
- Agent 99: Remember Gruvnik?
- Maxwell Smart: Of course, Gruvnik the Spoiler!
- Agent 99: Right. In 1969 he was traded by KAOS to THRUSH for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers. That man was Beademeyer, one of the muggers.
- Maxwell Smart: Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.
- Maxwell Smart: I agree, 99. There's something rotten in Detroit.
- Hymie: That's Denmark, Max.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well, things haven't been that great in Detroit either.
- Maxwell Smart: It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.
- Cmdr. Drury: That could work... 99, are you sure this isn't your idea?
- Agent 99: No, it was Max's.
- Agent 99: Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies. Do you realize how long it's been since we've done something this exciting together?
- Maxwell Smart: What was wrong with Tuesday night?
- Conrad Siegfried: How is mother?
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: Why ask now? You don't care. You never call, you never write.
- Hymie: How well I know that feeling...
- Agent 99: Oh Max, I divulged too much. I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.
- Maxwell Smart: My idiosyncrasies?
- Agent 99: Pages 127 to 145.
- Maxwell Smart: Why couldn't you just write a diet book like everybody else?
- Maxwell Smart: [Max holds up Tolstoy's War and Peace to block a KAOS agent with a knife] Nobody gets through War and Peace!
- President: Believe me, it's not easy to send one of my men off on a mission that some of my Cabinet members have characterized as, one of certain death.
- Maxwell Smart: Certain death?
- President: Yes, but in my opinion I have no other choice.
- Maxwell Smart: Could we get a second opinion?
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