- Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.
- Elise: There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
- Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.
- Elise: You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!
- Annie: I'm very sorry I ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in your every *move*. I'm sorry!
- [Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]
- Elise: Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.
- Bill: Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?
- Elise: Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.
- Chris Paradis: Mom I'm a lesbian. But don't tell Daddy! I want to wait for a good time; like Father's Day or Christmas Morning!
- Aaron Paradis: I can't handle more surprises today.
- Chris Paradis: Oh, Daddy. I'm a lesbian. A big one.
- Brenda: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.
- Brenda: What's wrong?
- Jilted Lover: It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds.
- Brenda: That's just like my Morty.
- Jilted Lover: Who?
- Brenda: Morty.
- [Shows Woman her picture]
- Jilted Lover: She's butch.
- [about her ex-husband's scantily clad date]
- Brenda: What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
- Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!
- [Gunilla sees Shelly and Morty re-entering the apartment and dials her phone. Duarto answers]
- Gunilla: Social climbers on the rise.
- Morty: Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a PLATE? $47,000 for a carpet? A USED carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?
- Shelly: I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a GIFT!
- Morty: With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift!
- Shelly: Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste!
- Dr. Morris Packman: Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain.
- Brenda: So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you *were* a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people *sucking* up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that *your* perception of life is *somewhat altered*!
- Bill: I'll sue you, I'll *break* you! You vindictive sack of silicone! That's my car, you piece of plastic!
- [Upon seeing a slinky dress]
- Brenda: Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!
- Brenda: Morty! Well, look at you. You look prosperous.
- Morty: Brenda, don't embarrass me.
- Brenda: [Mocking Morty] Don't embarrass you.
- Morty: Don't make a scene.
- Brenda: Don't make a scene.
- Morty: Do not make a scene.
- Brenda: Don't embarrass you! You've got a *nerve*! I'll tell you what's embarrassing!
- Morty: Keep your voice down.
- Brenda: Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... because I'm behind in the rent, *that's* embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, *that's* embarrassing!
- Morty: You know something? You *never* listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,
- [grabs a yellow blouse]
- Morty: honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you.
- Brenda: You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT?
- Morty: It's the *company* that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The *company*, not *me*! I'm a mere laborer!
- Brenda: You're a liar and a FRAUD!
- Morty: I have no money.
- Brenda: Really? Why don't you look in your purse?
- Morty: Oh you're very funny.
- Shelly: There stunning Morton, I need all of them.
- Brenda: Morton?
- Shelly: [covers her face with a dress] Oh God, make it go away.
- Brenda: Shelly! Look at you! My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off.
- Morty: Don't start.
- Brenda: What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
- Shelly: Brenda, why don't you try these on in
- [holds out her arms]
- Shelly: *your size*!
- Morty: It's really a delight running into you today Brenda.
- Shelly: [of her salad dressing] Normally I bring my own. You know that fat free ranch stuff. But this, this is restaurant quality.
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