Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Sean Gunn: Kirk Gleason, Kirk, Mick, Swan Man

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kirk : What time is it?

  Luke : I'm not going to tell you.

  Kirk : Why not?

  Luke : Because I just told you 30 seconds ago.

  Kirk : *45* seconds, if you count all the bickering.

• Kirk : [Kirk runs into Lukes Diner yelling]  My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore!

  Lorelai : Oh, great, now I'm not even the town whore.

• Kirk : I have night terrors.

  Luke : Night terrors?

  Kirk : Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.

  Luke : Jeez.

  Kirk : I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.

  Luke : Why?

  Kirk : Because it was a bomb.

  Luke : Of course.

  Kirk : After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof...

  Luke : Huh.

  Kirk : Completely naked.

  Luke : Aw, jeez!

  Kirk : The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.

• Lane : How are you doing, Kirk?

  Kirk : Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it.

  Lane : It's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it.

  Kirk : But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy-tasting bacon.

• [Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is trying to give him his check] 

  Luke : You've been sitting there for two hours.

  Kirk : I just want a little more coffee.

  Luke : You've had eight refills.

  Kirk : You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.

  Luke : I bet you know what I'm gonna say next.

  Kirk : That we're not in France?

  Luke : Give or take a profanity.

  Kirk : Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check?

  [Luke picks up the check already on the table and slams it down] 

• [Kirk's planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival] 

  Kirk : After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.

  Miss Patty : Okay, Kirk.

  Kirk : They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.

  Miss Patty : That sounds good, Kirk.

  Kirk : Are you ignoring me?

  Miss Patty : Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.

• Kirk : Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse.

  Lorelai : Designed to keep only you out?

  Kirk : There's precedent.

• [Lorelai is buying collector's stamps while Luke is signing for his divorce] 

  Lorelai : Do you have any Lucille Balls left?

  Kirk : Yes, I have some Balls.

  [Luke stares at him] 

• Luke : Hey, Kirk, what's with the...?

  Kirk : It's not a purse!

  Luke : I wasn't going to say "purse". What's with the gay bag?

• [Kirk is preparing for a date, and wants to get the best seat at Luke's] 

  Kirk : Say I was Tom Cruise. Where would you seat me?

  Luke : In an acting class.

• Lorelai : Hey, Kirk, discover a new freaky fetish?

  Kirk : What?

  Rory : Nothing. You buy a cat?

  Kirk : Yup! I'm very excited.

  Lorelai : You seem it. So what's all this?

  Rory : I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.

  Kirk : Actually, there are a number of things left.

  Rory : No, I meant, you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.

  Kirk : Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.

• Kirk : Luke, where's your lost and found?

  Luke : Out back in the dumpster.

• Kirk : If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.

  Lorelai : Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.

  Kirk : And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile."

  Lorelai : Yes, they do say that.

  Kirk : And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.

  Lorelai : Wow. That's quite an offer, Kirk. But I think it's a little early to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.

  Kirk : Well, whimsy goes with everything.

  Lorelai : Kirk, I promise, just as soon as... is that Condoleezza Rice?

  Kirk : Yes, it is. I'm a fan and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.

• Kirk : Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car, or a bike... or my roller skates back.

• Kirk : I love carrot sticks, especially the crinkle cut kind.

• Jackson : You better be as pathetic as you sound.

  Kirk : You bet.