- Vic Mackey: Well maybe in your own mind, amigo. But in the real world, I don't answer to you. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on Cinco de Mayo.
- Claudette Wyms: The evidence is lacking.
- Vic Mackey: So is Dutchboy's dick but I'm not helping with that.
- Claudette Wyms: Right now Vic Mackey may look like a mighty big catch to you. Do the smart thing, son. Cut bait.
- David Aceveda: It doesn't bother you, the things he does?
- Claudette Wyms: I don't judge other cops.
- David Aceveda: Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge.
- Claudette Wyms: Al Capone made money by giving the people what they wanted. What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some spic or some nigger in the ghetto... well, as far as most people are concerned it's don't ask, don't tell.
- David Aceveda: You're going to free a murderer so his mob boss can kill him?
- Shane Vendrell: It sounded a lot better the way Vic explained it...
- Vic Mackey: Hi. I'm detective Vic Mackey.
- Cop: These your men?
- Vic Mackey: It depends. What did they do?
- [Vic is trying to scare a suspect in a third floor apartment]
- Vic Mackey: Write what I tell you.
- [Vic puts a notepad and a pen in the suspect's hands]
- Vic Mackey: L. I. F. E. New word, new word! S. U. X.
- [rips off the page and puts it into the lapel pocket of the suspect's shirt, then leads him towards an open window]
- Vic Mackey: Looks like you're going to die a bad speller.
- [Trish wants Shane to go undercover as a gay hooker]
- Shane Vendrell: [indicating Ronnie and Lem] Why can't one of them do it?
- Detective Trish George: They don't look gay enough.
- Antwon Mitchell: From now on, when I say, "Suck my dick", you say, "You want me to lick your balls, Daddy?"
- David Aceveda: [a rape victim is being difficult during an interrogation] I'll go play good cop.
- Holland Wagenbach: I've already played good cop!
- David Aceveda: Well, I'll play better cop.
- [Vic doesn't do anything and the suspect starts screaming]
- Suspect: Help! Help! HELP!
- David Aceveda: [walks in] What's going on in here?
- Vic Mackey: [confused] Nothing.
- [Aceveda glares at him]
- Vic Mackey: Really.
- Vic Mackey: [to the Strike Team] Hey, option one is: we take him alive. But feel free to consider option two.
- [Kavanaugh offers Aceveda some gum]
- David Aceveda: No, thank you.
- Lt. Tom Kavanaugh: Come on, this is a fresh pack - it's Juicy Fruit.
- David Aceveda: [pause] I said no - thank you.
- Lt. Tom Kavanaugh: You hold it out long enough, some people feel compelled to take the gum. It's a sign they'll crack under pressure.
- David Aceveda: I know.
- Vic Mackey: [after he identified Ben Gilroy's body] How'd he die?
- Medical Examiner: Take your pick. Cirrhosis, malnutrition, official cause was suffocation. Aspirated on his own vomit.
- [looking at a file]
- Medical Examiner: Christ, this guy was the Assistant Police Chief? What happened?
- Vic Mackey: Take your pick.
- Vic Mackey: [about Shane's baby, Jackson] Cute kid.
- Shane Vendrell: Thanks. He's got his mother's looks.
- Vic Mackey: Thank God!
- Lt. Tom Kavanaugh: Vic Mackey kills cops! He... he deals drugs! He beats suspects! You know what he did yesterday? He... he screwed my ex-wife with the sole purpose of making this investigation seem like a personal vendetta. He may have assassinated a gang leader. And that's just all in one day. I wonder what he's going to do today. I wonder what he's going to do tomorrow. This guy... this guy is just pissing... he's pissing all over us. He's pissing on you. What does it taste like? Chief, what does it taste like, 'cause you know what, it tastes like piss to me.
- Vic Mackey: You still got that boyfriend?
- Lauren Riley: You still got that wife?
- Vic Mackey: No. You still got that boyfriend?
- Vic Mackey: Since when did you get an ulcer?
- Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: Since the Armenian mob started looking for me.
- Vic Mackey: You better figure out how much you hate me. And how you're going to deal with that. 'Cause I'm not going anywhere.
- Claudette Wyms: Neither am I.
- [when confronting Shane about how the Strike Team could lose their jobs because Shane had lost the drugs they stole when he called in to his girlfriend's house to get laid]
- Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: We're gonna all crash and burn because of you! I mean, Christ, dude, Amy's not even that hot!
- Taylor: Are you gonna hold this third strike over me for the rest of my life?
- Vic Mackey: I could lie to you. But I have far too much respect for you as a person. Yes I am!
- Jojo Rizal: [to Shane] Hey, man, ya cock's out!
- [Shane immediately looks down at his pants before realizing that the cockerel in the club house has run away]
- [suspect vomits from 2nd floor, which hits Billings' shoulder]
- Captain Steve Billings: Shit - goddammit, this is a new suit!
- Shane Vendrell: [Trying to provoke Antwon Mitchell in to attacking him so Shane could shoot him in self-defense] You know you got it all don't ya? You got money, you got power, *respect*!
- Antwon Mitchell: Heh, the hillbilly's been listening to my speeches.
- Shane Vendrell: It's too bad about your son though. I tell ya, if my little boy turned out to be a fag, I don't know what I would do. They say you're born that way. Were you doing his mother up the ass when you knocked her up?
- Antwon Mitchell: One time, doing time, for a long time.
- Shane Vendrell: That poor little kid. He's gonna be found face down in the shower with a back-full of shiv and an ass-full of cum. Word hits the street what's that gonna make you look like? I mean, yo people ain't caught in no homo vibe.
- Antwon Mitchell: My people ain't your worry.
- Shane Vendrell: Oh yeah? Well you know what? With all that money, all that power? At the end of the day you're still just a nigger. With a faggot-nigger son! and where's the respect in that?
- Antwon Mitchell: [Eying Shane's gun in his holster, realizing that Shane is trying to provoke him, he sits back down and handcuffs himself to the table] Now... what were you saying about my nigger-faggot son?
- Julien Lowe: [to the back-up cops] Vic's out back trying to get him to put the gun down.
- Cop: Hope he doesn't try too hard.
- [Shane and Ronnie are discussing a skin graft on Ronnie's face]
- Ronnie Gardocki: They take skin from your butt...
- Shane Vendrell: These jokes just write themselves.
- Romero: I'll put my hand on the Bible.
- Holland Wagenbach: Not as much fun as putting your hands on another man's wife.
- [Shane goes undercover as a gay hooker and comments on a passing truck's wheels]
- Detective Trish George: Looks like our new guy knows a thing or two about rim jobs.
- Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: [listening in the car] Ha ha... rim jobs.
- Vic Mackey: Ay, Mo. Your sister's ass really tastes as sweet as Alvarez here says it does? He wants to know what your momma's putting in the corn muffin.
- Shane Vendrell: The truth is like grits, you can't serve it up plain, you got to put a little salt on it.
- Detective Trish George: [to Vic after arresting a politician with a bag of sex toys] See anything I should take home?
- Claudette Wyms: How'd the Strike Team do?
- Detective Trish George: They did great.
- [indicates Shane]
- Detective Trish George: That one's a naturally born undercover cum guzzler.
- Shane Vendrell: [playfully] Hey, I heard that, bitch.