- Big Smoke: [at Cluckin' Bell, during the drive-thru mission] I'll have 2 number nines, a number nine large. A number six with extra dip. A number seven. Two number forty-fives, one with cheese, and a large soda.
- Carl Johnson: Any last requests?
- Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister?
- Carl Johnson: You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.
- [kills Pulaski]
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: I can shit on you from such a height, you'll think God himself took a crap on you
- Big Smoke: You picked the wrong house, fool!
- Carl Johnson: Big smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!
- Big Smoke: CJ...? Aaaooooww my dog! Whassup? Ha ha ha ha!
- Carl Johnson: [after hitting a car while driving] Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur!
- [near the end of a huge police chase]
- Big Smoke: Oh shit! Roadblock up ahead!
- Carl Johnson: The K's jammed!
- Big Smoke: Fuck it, I'm goin' through!
- Sweet Johnson: CJ, we got the ghetto bird up ahead!
- Aerial Police (Cop 1): This is the LSPD, do not... hey, what the fuck! TOO LOW! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!
- Sweet Johnson: Back up Smoke, BACK UP!
- Big Smoke: Hell no, I'm going through!
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh man, we gonna die!
- [the helicopter skims over the car, shredding the motorcycle cop on the hood of the car]
- Carl Johnson: OH SHIT!
- [Smoke proceeds]
- Sweet Johnson: Slow down Smoke, SLOW DOWN!
- Big Smoke: Oh shit, the brakes is out!
- [Everyone bails out at the last second as the car smashes through a billboard, and crashes on a rig on the freeway below]
- Big Smoke: [looking at the carnage on the freeway from the smashed billboard] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell when we passin' the blunt!
- Sweet Johnson: Now THAT was some some serious shit! Whoo!
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Fuck this, we gotta get outta here.
- Sweet Johnson: Ryder's right. Everyone split up, and we'll meet up later.
- Big Smoke: Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.
- Carl Johnson: What fuckin' book?
- [2 cops are busting a man for possession of drugs, planted in his car by CJ. One is arresting him, the other is searching the trunk]
- Cop 1: You find anything in there?
- Cop 2: Find anything? He's got half of Mexico in here!
- Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!
- Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.
- Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Sweet Johnson, Kendl: Shut up, Carl!
- Chicken Fast Food Customer: What the cock-a-doodle fuck?
- [while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane]
- Mike Toreno: These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.
- Carl Johnson: Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?
- Mike Toreno: Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.
- [Madd Dogg is threatening to jump off a window ledge]
- Elvis Impersonator: Jump! Look what dying did for my career!
- [first lines]
- Carl Johnson: [voiceover] After five years on the East Coast, it was time to go home
- [a previous phone call is heard]
- Carl Johnson: 'Sup?
- Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's Sweet.
- Carl Johnson: Whassup, Sweet, what you want?
- Sweet Johnson: It's Moms... She's dead, bro.
- Carl Johnson: [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone] Toreno?
- Mike Toreno: Carl, learn to fly.
- Carl Johnson: I'm on it, man, I swear!
- Mike Toreno: "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.
- Carl Johnson: Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!
- Mike Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.
- Carl Johnson: Wait! Please, man!
- Mike Toreno: That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?
- Carl Johnson: OK, man, I get the message.
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: [his last lines] Come on, assholes. I'll take you all. You're mine! Mine! I run this town! Hey, over here! Hey! Officer down! Come on! HEY! Assholes! You never understood what I did! Fifty of me and this town would be OK. I took the trash out! I DID! And I'd do it all again...
- [during a commercial for the Commando Pest Eradication]
- Pest Commando #1: We've got the situation in the kitchen contained, Sir, but I found this!
- [baby cries]
- Pest Commando #2: Jesus! What the hell is this?
- Woman: That's my daughter!
- Pest Commando #2: Looks more like Viet Cong to me!
- [gun shot]
- Carl Johnson: Can you shoot?
- The Truth: Shoot? I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I heard of a dude snorted it once. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog! WOOH!
- Sweet Johnson: [CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots] So who's the weird Brit?
- Carl Johnson: What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control.
- Sweet Johnson: What kinda problem?
- Carl Johnson: He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit.
- Sweet Johnson: What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov?
- Carl Johnson: [laughs] Yeah, regularly.
- Sweet Johnson: Spank the monkey?
- Carl Johnson: Yeah.
- Sweet Johnson: Take Palm-ela out?
- Carl Johnson: Quit it!
- [laughs]
- Sweet Johnson: Burp the worm?
- Carl Johnson: Enough, man!
- [CJ, Pulaski and Tenpenny are in a police car]
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?
- Carl Johnson: I'm here to bury my Moms. You know that.
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: Yeah, I guess I do. So what else you got shakin' Carl?
- Carl Johnson: Nothing. I live in Liberty City now. I'm clean. Legit.
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: No, you ain't never been clean, Carl.
- Officer Eddie Pulaski: Well what've we got here?
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendelbury. A fine man, I might add. You work fast, nigga.
- Carl Johnson: You know I just got off the plane!
- Officer Eddie Pulaski: It's a good thing we found you and retrieved the murder weapon.
- Carl Johnson: That ain't my gun.
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: Don't bullshit me, Carl.
- Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah, don't bullshit him, Carl.
- Carl Johnson: What the fuck you want from me this time?
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: When we want you, we'll find you. In the meantime, try not to gun down any more officers of the law.
- K-DST Imaging: [Imaging for the radio station K-DST "The Dust"] If the cops can't stop you...
- [sounds of sirens and gun shots]
- K-DST Imaging: ...you must be on "The Dust".
- Pedestrian: [to CJ] Do you shower in doo-doo?
- [repeated line]
- Carl Johnson: [when C.J. is running from the police] I don't want a nightstick up the ass.
- Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: After months, all bridges have been reopened. Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding.
- Barry 'Big Bear' Thorne: [Turns of B-dub] I'm tired of smoking, I'm tired of crack, and I'm tired of doing your FUCKING house work!
- Barry 'Big Bear' Thorne: [Waylays B-dud] I'm FREE!
- Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!
- Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the hell up?
- Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!
- Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the fuck up?
- [CJ, Woozie, Suzie, Zero, one of Woozie's assistants, the occupant of the room and two other men are in the planning room]
- Carl Johnson: It seems impossible to keep a secret around here! I would have thought the size of the room would keep the numbers down.
- Man #1: Hey, speak up, we can't hear you back here!
- Carl Johnson: I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.
- Man #1: What did he say?
- Man #2: [murmuring] He said fuck off.
- [Man #1 and Man #2 leave]
- Carl Johnson: [to the occupant] Hey, what are you still doing here?
- Occupant: I live here.
- Carl Johnson: Oh, OK, you can stay.
- Occupant: Great.
- Su Xi Mu: Hey, where's the coffee and doughnuts?
- [CJ purposely ignores Suzie]
- Carl Johnson: OK, look, I'm going to go shut off the city's power source. Woozie, look after these fools for me.
- Woozie: OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Say, CJ, you gonna crash the car again?
- Carl Johnson: Fuck you, Ryda'.
- Sweet Johnson: Ryda', give CJ a break, man. He's practically turned the Grove around by himself.
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, I was just tellin' a joke on the lil' nigga.
- Carl Johnson: Everythang you do is a joke, Ryder.
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: That ain't true!
- Big Smoke: Ryda'... just chill the fuck out, man!
- Sweet Johnson: Remember, we're reuniting the families, so no bullshit. Stay cool.
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: You know me, Sweet, cool as a Shaolin monk!
- Sweet Johnson: Especially you, Ryda.
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What you mean? I resent your implication, and shit.
- [CJ and Ryder enter the Crack Den]
- Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Good afternoon, Balla dope pushers! Grove Street OG's come to do damage!
- [Woozie is in a room in the casino. CJ enters]
- Carl Johnson: Woozie?
- Woozie: Oh, Carl.
- Carl Johnson: You could at least turn the lights on.
- Woozie: Oh, I thought I had. This window here must let some light in.
- Carl Johnson: Yeah, this is perfect right here. This is where we're going to plan the heist at.
- Woozie: Anyone else coming?
- Carl Johnson: No.
- Woozie: Couldn't we have done this in my office?
- Carl Johnson: You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how it's done!
- Woozie: OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?
- Carl Johnson: I guess we got to make a plan.
- Woozie: Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?
- Carl Johnson: Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.
- Woozie: Meeting adjourned?
- Carl Johnson: Meeting adjourned.
- [The usual six men that are planning the heist are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is at the front giving out instructions]
- Carl Johnson: OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armoured van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.
- Woozie: Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way we can make some money too.
- Carl Johnson: No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.
- Zero: I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they use to lift heavy loads?
- Su Xi Mu: Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.
- Woozie: Then we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately I'm not a pilot.
- Zero: No, me neither.
- Su Xi Mu: Hey, don't look at me.
- Assistant: Or me.
- Carl Johnson: Shit. I'll fly it, then. We can re-spray it at the airstrip.
- Zero: Yeah, Carl. It'll be just like fighting Berkley, only bigger!
- Carl Johnson: Yeah, thanks for that.
- Pedestrian: Can I interest you in some religion?
- [last lines]
- Kendl: Carl, where are you off to now?
- Carl Johnson: Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happening.